When I was five I got caught in a rip tide. It was Nora who pulled me out of the surf but my mother was the one to give me CPR. I came to with a chest full of water, and sure of nothing but my mothers voice, stern but loving, as it guided me back to my own skin. That's what this feels like, out in a sea of bodies, being pushed around. Suddenly I do not know who I am, I don't know where I am, and I don't know what the hell is going on.
The whole place seems to be shifting imperceptibly. I can barely see what's in front of me…
'Move, Anastasia' My mother whispers.
I look around to find the voice but it has no owner. Its coming from inside me.
'Walk!" she demands, I try to obey but I stumble over my own feet. There is no one to catch me but I save myself by reaching out and grabbing…grabbing what?...I'm not sure…'Careful now… Just breathe and put one foot in front of the other.' I pull myself to my feet and all the while the girls around me push me forward, as though 'tribute' is a disease you can catch.
'Don't slouch now…' The voice is soothing, but determined, as if there is great gravity in every word and with each step it becomes a little bit easier for me to listen. Slowly it becomes easier to see as I keep moving…
'That's right straighten up…go to the stage…take the steps one at a time…pull your chin up!…. good….. now whatever you do keep your chin up and Don't. Start. Crying.
From my place on the podium at stage right , I can see the great sea of girls and boys, lined in the center of the square. I can see Laz on the right side near the front of the crowd being held by two peacekeepers, and another peacekeeper is standing behind him. There's someone else too, curled on the floor unconscious. And Finnick Odair is there, I can see his hands outstretched and then, I hear the crack of a whip – and I see Nora and Nautilum holding onto each other, and finally my chest is clear again and I find my own skin. It comes on in layers, like waves on a beach:
My name is Annie Cresta.
I was raised on The Dinghy.
I am Seventeen years old.
I am going to die in the hunger games.
The waves are followed by a sense of calm. Or at least, I'm able to project a sense of calm, and that's enough, for now.
The crack of the whip is followed by Pandora McCaffertys voice declaring "Aiden Caldwell" the male tribute for district four.
He shuffles forward from the right end of the crowd, past Laz who is still being born up by the arms by peacekeepers on either side, past my brother who lies face down in the sand, then into the clearing and onto the stage. He takes his place stage left of the podium.
It's at this time when volunteering commences. Pandora McCaffertys bottom gingerly shimmies its way to me and she takes my hand to lead me to center stage. She makes some comment about what a lovely young girl I am, so lean and strong- what a sufficient tribute I'll be- and I wonder if she shouldn't just knife me right here and get it over with. It's clear that the fight in the boys section has unnerved her, and though she's taken my hand she is holding it in just such a way that she's barely touching it. The mild look of disgust on her face can't be mistaken, and at any other moment I'd have laughed, but I was too focused on Nauplius on the floor. He's rolling around now, it won't be long before he comes to.
Pandora asks the scores of huddled girls to the left of us for a volunteer and she finds none. There isn't so much as a ripple in the left side of the square. The only response comes silently, on the right hand side. The boys' side. Lazs' feet find their footing, and though it clearly pains him he straightens up to look me in the face. I don't know what it is, but beyond the pain that's evident, there's betrayal in his eyes. Tears stream down his face. In the sideline crowd of witnesses, Nora holds her palm out to me, and then turns her hand a quarter way twice. This is signal from our time working together on the beach. When something goes wrong but disaster has been averted we signal so the others know it's safe, but peacekeepers don't know anything had happened at all. To them, it's just a wave.
I clear my throat and nod my head perceptibly- an 'I understand' to her, but undoubtedly a message taken by anyone else as 'I'm unhinged'. She hugs Nautilum closer and he buries his head in her hair.
It's Aiden Caldwells turn next. He is a fine, tall glass of water about six feet and lean- clearly a fisher by trade. His blond hair is long and tied back into a knot with a small length of rope. Not quite as handsome as Finnick Odair but enough that it's clear he'll rate well in the Capitol. He has the look of the Dinghy about him as though he feels sort of off balance on solid ground, but Pandora seems far more impressed with him on second glance then she had been with me. She waddles over to him and takes his hand with one of hers and his arm with the other, and leads him across the stage like a prize, commenting all the while on how exciting it is to see such an ample and stunning tribute competing for the title of Victor for district 4.
Her eyes narrow-as if in warning- at the crowd when she asks for volunteers. I don't think she knows it but her nails are digging into the flesh of Aidens' arm.
I hold my breath.
"I Vol-" Laz tries to speak out but the crack of the whip silences him. My eyes fall to Nauplius, who's on the ground sitting up now. It looks like Laz is yelling at Nauplius but his voice doesn't have the power it had a moment ago. I can't hear him!
I'm struggling not to react. Pandora beside me is pretending like nothing is happening at all, just waiting for the moment to call Aiden tribute.
Laz is trying to shake off the peacekeepers. His black hair has fallen out of its knot and I can see him struggling, trying to get through to Nauplius, who's staring at him flummoxed. He's telling Nauplis to volunteer- He's begging him. Nautilum is holding Nora back from running into the crowd. I look, and see Finnick Odair back in his chair between Mayor Epsom and Mags, pretending like nothing is happening, but I can see the twitching of his thumb. He's counting down the seconds with me.
"Ladies and Gentleman, I give you" Pandora says excitedly, releasing Aiden's arm and grabbing my hand with enthusiasm this time. She raises our fists into the air "The District four tributes of the 70th Annual Hunger Games!" She jumps a little when she says 'games' and now I really want to laugh, because what else is there to do when someone is so very excited to watch you die at the hands of an Adonis?
Laz is on his knees, head bowed when Pandora, Aiden and myself take a few steps back so mayor Epsom can take the podium to read the treaty of treason. As soon as it is clear the cameras were off him, Finnick Odair grabs Mags and they both take to the crowd. This doesn't surprise me. Victors are the only advocates the regular people have, and the peacekeepers wouldn't argue with them in a public forum with so many natives around. It looks like they're trying to help- like they are being consulted on what to do about Laz and Nauplius.
My stomach drops. I wonder if Nauplius had come to consciousness- if he volunteered like Laz was trying to? Would the officials let them both fight to volunteer, as was the custom in such a case? Can an exception be made this late into the ceremony?
I watch as nonchalantly as I can while the peacekeepers begrudgingly allow Nora and Nautilum through to collect Laz and Nauplius. Nauplius is still looking around confused as Nora leads him away. Laz and Nautilum, however, stay where they are. Laz has his left arm slung around his fathers' shoulders, bearing himself up. His long black hair dances around his shoulders in the prevailing breeze and his eyes are fiercely locked on me. His shoulders and entire upper body lift and shudder, and I can tell that he is sobbing.
Tears sting at my eyes.
His father says something into his ear and he nods. They both turn and make their way out of the square and away from the Justice Building quickly. From my vantage point I can see the small pool of blood that has collected at Laz's feet and his bloodied backside as he limps away.
I have to swallow hard to keep from getting sick.
Finnick Odair and Mags make their way back onto the stage, and I'm sure when they do the Capitol cameras will pan out to include their seats with them in it. There is always some form of drama on the floor during a reaping, and you never see it in the televised version unless it has some real relevance to the games. I wonder if it's that way in other districts, too.
It isn't long before Mayor Epsom has finished reading the treaty and directing Aiden Caldwell and I to shake hands. When we do, his eyes travel to the left of the stage where Sandy Abline is holding onto our neighbor Emma, whose feet are barely touching the ground.
Our eyes meet and I can see the flicker of determination in his eyes; He's in it to win. There's something else there too; Pity. I don't like pity, so I shoot him a hard look and release his hand from mine.
The moment I do the anthem begins. I take one last opportunity to look out and take in the hilly, sandy landscape and the scattered trees. I try to make particular note of the smell of the sea on the open air, and I breathe in deep.
They are my last free breathes, after all.