"Fin; do you know why I moved up to New York?" Fin shook his head. He paused, and said, "I'd heard some stuff. I didn't take any of it for anything. I figured when you were ready you'd tell me. I know it wasn't some deep desire to be in this crazy place (finally a bit of smile appeared). But I never pursued it. You know I respect that, I have my stuff too".
"I'd made detective less than a year before I got up here. You met my captain a couple of years ago, Sam, the one that helped me get here. He knew Cragen and basically used his relationship to get me moved". She paused, did she tell him about the close relationship she had with her old Captain, how close they came to crossing that line? She knew this was about trusting Fin. She had to tell him. "Before I tell you why I had to move, I should tell you that Sam and I were very close. He was my mentor; he believed I could be a great detective. We came very close to crossing a line. Not only was he my superior, he was married. Looking back I think he was seduced by something different as his marriage was rocky. I constantly seek validation from others. His belief in me drew me to him. He was that person that could finally fill a hole. But I...we...could not let that happen. I think he felt the same. We never allowed that thing between us to become real".
She paused here and took a drink. She asked if he'd mind if she went out to smoke. He said he'd go with her. She didn't know if he wanted to push her to keep talking or if it was to look out for her, or even make sure she didn't run…?
As she lit the cigarette and had her first drag she realized she needed to keep going. Her whole body wanted to shake, this next part was just one more piece of evidence that she was "used goods", not worthy of respect. "I was out doing an undercover job; I think I told you I'd done this kind of thing, it was a sting to catch johns. I was the bait. In one night we bagged 4 guys. We all went back to the station and planned to have a drink after to celebrate. We went over to the bar and had some drinks. I didn't have a lot but I was tired, and not feeling great. We'd all carpooled over; when I said I was ready to head out, my Deputy Chief told me he'd take me home, he just needed to stop at the station. It was Atlanta and I didn't really pay attention to how much he had drank. It was different there. I'd had enough to drink and wasn't feeling great so I didn't even think twice. We got to the station and he told me to come up with him since it was empty down in the lot".
The cigarette was done, again Fin led her inside. His face clearly showed he had a sense of where this was going. She'd just revealed her inappropriate relationship with her Captain; he probably figured she had the same thing going with the Deputy Chief. Once again Fin was in tune with her. Maybe he saw it on her face. "Rollins, part of trust is knowing that you can tell me anything and you don't have to sweat it. It stays with me and nothing you say is the problem. It was the not saying something that was the problem." They got to the bar and sat back down.
Deep breath, fingers fidgeting, drink…fire…run…She'd never talked about this or told anyone since coming to New York, not even in a group. She had to start now before she lost the courage. "We started upstairs and I realized he'd a lot to drink. My thought was on how to get home since he was clearly in no shape to drive me to my place. We got upstairs and I headed for my desk. I pulled out my phone and texted Sam to see if he could get me, and was ok to drive. He said he was, just to give him 20 minutes. I was heading to tell the Deputy Chief that Sam, the Captain, was going to stop by and could give us a ride".
She asked Fin if he would order a shot of what they'd had before. He did, he must have known this was not easy. Once again she figured he'd give her shit about it if they ever got back to the old relationship. They drank the shot, she grabbed what was left of her beer, and she looked at the glass, and started up. "I approached his office and he looked up. He walked over and started telling me what a nice job I did and how he'd make sure I got recognition. I'd done the same thing before, part of earning my shield. I was hoping I wouldn't have to do it again, but there weren't many women on the force, and I was it for Sex Crimes".
She couldn't look up, she was too ashamed and her pride would be shot once he knew. "…he started saying something about how hot I looked and if he'd been looking for a prostitute he'd pick me up too. He was clearly drunk so I was choosing to ignore it. I just told him that Sam was on his way and we should hurry up. He grabbed my wrist as I turned from the office. I pulled back, but he kept his grip. He was leering at me. He started talking about the reason they'd promoted me was cause all the guys loved the show during the sting. He was going to make sure they did another one soon. At this point I sensed this wasn't just inappropriate talk. I was becoming very nervous. I laughed, joked that I thought one of the guys should be the lure next time, and tried to pull him towards the door".
"He was so drunk I never figured he'd be able to keep his grip and not stumble. But he didn't lose his hold on my wrist and he didn't fall, he pulled me further into his office. He shut the door and locked it; he was still gripping my wrist". I realized unconsciously I was holding my right wrist as I was re-living the scene. "I started talking to him. Telling him he'd had too much to drink. He just needed to get home, and that Sam was on his way, although Sam said he would wait downstairs. The Deputy Chief looked at me and asked me if I liked being a detective. I didn't get it; he cleared it up for me quickly. He told me that he made the decisions about who had a job, who got promoted. It was Atlanta so I was used to some good-old-boy attitude and innuendo. But this wasn't that. I knew this was spiraling out of control and he was telling me to 'pay' for my position in Atlanta. There was no way I was going to lay down on my back willingly for the job or that bastard. I started to struggle and try to get to the door. He got both of my wrists and…I realized I couldn't take care of myself. I was a cop, a detective, and I couldn't stop this. If I had my gun I would have fired. But since I'd been undercover it was not on me…"
I stopped talking; I didn't know what to do. The details weren't important. I ordered another beer. I didn't even look at Fin, I couldn't. He asked for water so I knew he was done drinking for the night. For some reason that unnerved me and I called back the bartender and ordered another one for Fin. I guess he knew, once again, it was something that I needed, so he let it go. The drinks arrived and I remained silent. Still not looking up. I felt a gentle hand on my shoulder, "Amanda", I still looked down. Fin became insistent "Amanda, this is for you, you need to tell this. This is the stuff that eats you up. Until you let it out you'll never get out of the hold. You need to learn trust. I think you trusted me as much as anyone, right"? I nodded yes, still looking down. "Tell me… (pause) tell me, trust me". He took a finger; gently he touched my chin and brought my face up. I looked past him, not at him. "Amanda, this isn't on you. Shit happens and sometimes we do it, like gambling or keeping secrets, and a lot times it's done to us. We don't control that. But you can let down your guard for a minute, it might help." His gentle finger once again tried to encourage me to look at him, to see the truth, to trust. I looked, for a moment, the flood of tears was here, I looked away. I fought the tears off. I couldn't hold them all back. I wiped them quickly away. Fin squeezed my shoulder again. It was time to finish the story, the same damn story of my life.
I was speaking quietly, not wanting anyone else to hear. "I told him he could find himself some other whore for sale, and that I wasn't one of them. I tried to twist out of his grip on my wrists; I tried to use my training. I was spinning in my mind. I kept repeating the word 'no, please don't do this, no'. He was the Deputy Chief, but I had to treat him… It didn't go well for me. He wasn't some old Deputy Chief. Even drunk he was strong and sure footed. We went down. By this point he was talking like I was willing, even implied if I was willing to get practically naked for the job, in the sting, I must… (pause). He had his pants off and was working on mine. I froze, I didn't struggle anymore, I think I was still saying 'no', but I'm not sure. I am so disgusted with myself. Why didn't I fight…"?
"That's when Sam called out to us. I yelled and the Deputy Chief jumped up. I ran to the door and out to Sam. I'm not sure what he thought in that moment. I was a mess… my clothes…and the Deputy Chief was buttoning his pants. As the Deputy Chief was fixing his clothes he laughed, said that Sam had caught us in the act. He knew it was a breach of protocol, but when I came on to him he couldn't resist. I couldn't speak. I was shaking in Sam's arms, but I couldn't speak. I couldn't get out the words".
"As soon as I sensed the Deputy Chief heading towards us I ran. I took the stairs down, went out the gate, and just ran. (Sarcastically) It's a good thing I was on the track team and had kept up with my daily running. Pretty useful skill when you are Amanda Rollins." I took another drink. "The Captain called my cell several times. I didn't answer. When I got to my house he was there, waiting. I guess one good thing about our 'almost romance' was he cared and he didn't believe the story the Deputy Chief told him. At first I ignored him and went straight to my apartment door. But he wouldn't accept that. I finally let him in. I didn't want to tell him what happened. But I couldn't have the story get out that I was sleeping with the Deputy Chief. I also didn't want Sam to think that I was a piece of used trash. I told him what had happened. For some reason he believed me, said he would help me."
"The next day when I got to the station I saw the looks; the deputy chief wanted his story out before he risked me sharing mine. I'd had no intention of pursuing it, saying anything; my only goal was to try to move to another division. It was too late. The word was out that I'd tried to seduce him for a job and was open to offers. Each day was a new hell. I couldn't do my job because nobody respected me or trusted my work. Sam offered to talk to Cragen. He'd heard about Elliott and knew there might be a position open. Within a few months of that night I was up here."
Silence…