"Amanda, I am sorry. That isn't right, and damn sure isn't right that someone in the force, your superior, would do that. A Deputy Chief. I wish you would have pressed charges. Did anything happen to the piece of shit"?
She knew the answer would upset Fin, to this day she felt immense guilt. "I didn't report it directly, no charges. Sam took it up the ranks and Deputy Chief was supposed to be watched closely by Internal Affairs. There weren't many women on the Atlanta force, and he wasn't out on the streets anymore. It's no excuse. I spend all my days convincing people that they need to pursue chargers and I didn't have the courage. In some ways I figured it was minor. He was drunk, I must have led him on somehow, and in the end nothing happened. I'd been through worse". I realized I'd just indicated that wasn't the first time I'd been in that situation. I wasn't ready to share any more.
Fin nodded his head. "You didn't lead him on and you know it. He is a low piece of shit and should be in a uniform in prison, not on the force." Once again he gently lifted my chin and turned my face to him. "Trust, remember. You need to trust me, know that it is ok to tell me this stuff and not feel shame. You look me in the eye. It's not your shame. I'll happily go down to Atlanta and make sure he is on his back for a few months!" He continued to hold my chin, gently, not forcefully. "Amanda, we both know this isn't something you asked for. You have to stop doubting yourself. The Amanda I see on the job is confident, heck sometimes maybe a little over-confident, always trying to take the world on alone. Not weak at all. Trust me".
I finally turned my eyes, allowing the tears I'd tried to hold back fall, and looked at Fin. There was no judgment, no pity, I saw a look. Understanding, maybe he could see that along the way I'd lost my ability to trust. I looked at Fin and accepted the comfort of knowing he hadn't totally given up on me.
I'd taken a cab to the bar knowing I'd likely have a few drinks. Fin offered to let me stay at his place since we could walk there; it was Friday so no work tomorrow. I was in a drunk, stressed, overdrive state, and not up to arguing. We got to his place. Of course I had Kim flashbacks. Fin turned to me, "Amanda, Kim doesn't deserve your time or your love. You stay in my room and I'll stay in the guest room. I promise that it's all clean".
Fin walked up to give me a hug… and I did it again. I can't seem to separate the feelings of trust and friendship from something more. My old Captain, Nate my sponsor, and without even thinking I was about to do the same with Fin. I reached my hands up and took his head to draw it down. It was the briefest touch of lips before he quickly drew back. He looked at me. "Amanda, you are going through a shitstorm of feeling right now. You took a risk and trusted me. You have reminders of Kim. And you have all of the past couple of weeks. You don't want this. I know you want to find a place for all of those feelings and the turmoil, that thing that you used gambling to calm. But you don't want this with me. I am here for you. I will hold you. But don't allow the confusion in your mind confuse anything else. You are my partner and my friend, and a friend doesn't take advantage of a person when they are in the hell you are in".
He walked me to the couch. He sat me down and held me. I must have fallen asleep. At some point he got blankets and pillows for me. But he didn't leave. In the morning he was still there, next to me, showing me I could trust him. Not like Nate, Nate who'd been so easy to convince that he could give more than friendship to me. Oh he paid it lip service. Saying "no" at first to my advances, but not a couple days later he was ready to take what was offered. That time it wasn't confusion though, it was justice. He thought he had me, could have me, I don't think he could help himself. But I needed to show him he didn't control me. Fin was so different. He meant it when he said I could trust him. He was a true friend. Trust