It had been a few weeks since her entire life fell apart. She went in each day and put up the wall, pretending everything was normal. Fin never brought up the talk that night. Although the fracture in the relationship was still there, it was less deep. There was a tentative, unspoken, agreement that he would give me another opportunity, I had to give him complete trust to earn and keep it.
I went to meetings again, making sure I chose ones where Nate wouldn't be in attendance. It was harder this time. The first time I had such conviction that I was done with that life and had it conquered. It was a huge hit to my belief in my abilities when I realized I had fallen so far. That moment when I was ready to hand myself over to Murphy constantly flashed through my mind. How low was I, I had become what everyone expected from a small town Georgia white trash girl. This time the battle to stop gambling, and make the right choices, was harder and I had lost the confidence I had in myself.
Work was hard every day. Olivia was still clearly unsure if I should still be on the team, even as short staffed as we were. I continued to work as hard as I could and I avoided mistakes, or trying to be too aggressive. I no longer had the confidence I had before. I became quieter, less aggressive with the team, and I walked especially carefully anytime I had to deal with Olivia. I saw in her eyes that she had her own pain and was still dealing with the demons from Lewis. Captain Cragan and Munch were gone, I'd lost it, and even Amaro was off. I refused to add any more to this storm than I already had.
It was with Amaro that I was most confused about where I stood. Clearly after he went digging into my life to prove Nate was a loser we had not been on good terms. I didn't like my life pried into, and for some reason every time I turned around it seemed like Nick was trying to save me. Even now, with how far I had fallen, my sense was he wasn't angry that I had screwed-up; it was like he was angry he hadn't been able to save me before I self-destructed.
I wondered what he knew about how things had turned with Murphy. The haunting words from the report by Murphy came into my head when I saw Amaro, the part where he told Amaro I was 'used', I felt sick. I couldn't look into Amaro's eyes now. He may have assumed it was part of Murphy's role, but he wasn't stupid. They all knew I had hit the low point where you do anything to try get a fix, or in my case, to save my career. I guess Olivia was trying to diminish the drama and tension that was already in the air so she rarely had Amaro and I work together.
However, a case came along and Fin had to be in court as a witness when it came down. We had to go and investigate possible sexual abuse of sisters. They had been removed from their home after one of them ended up in the hospital with a fractured arm. The doctor suspected more than physical abuse. Olivia sent us to talk to them, only Nick and I for the first time since my life fell apart, or since I tore it apart piece by piece, dollar by dollar.
We got in the car; he drove, as he always did. I used my phone to pretend I had to check emails, anything to avoid talking. We'd barely said two words outside of discussing cases since the day they found out about the undercover work, and my fall. It was hard to deal with Olivia or face Fin. For some reason it was so much harder to face Nick. He'd save me from my sister and I still felt that I owed him. But he just never let up. Even now, when I needed someone to save me from myself, I was angry he interfered. How could I be angry with him though? Because of him I wasn't in prison for murder, I wasn't blinded by Nate, but I was resentful.
The hospital was an hour's drive with the traffic; of course one of the worst traffic days was the first day I had to be alone with Nick. I could hear the tick tock in my mind, counting down before he would finally start. I knew he'd ask questions, want information, and unlike Fin he wouldn't let-up. Once again the moment with me dropping to my knees in front of Murphy was flashing in my head, "used", "dirty little girl". It felt true, and never more so than while sitting with Nick, who seemed to find out more of the dirty aspects of my life than even Cragen or Olivia. Tick Tock. Fire…Run. I wanted to get out of the car before he said a word, before he tried to pry open and steal my secrets.
"Amanda, I know we don't agree on everything, but did you really think I couldn't be trusted with knowing what you were working on? You know I worked undercover for years. I know how to keep that information. I want to know why you didn't trust me, and why you were there? Why you went back to that life? I thought you'd worked through it"?
"You never should have gotten involved with Nate. I tried to warn you but you ignored me. I can't figure you out. Do you not trust anyone, or do you just trust the wrong people? I was only trying to help you when I went to that Gambler's Anonymous meeting to find out about Nate. He was trouble. Look what happened after he got to you"?
I was starting to lose it. He always had to attack me and put his own motives on a pedestal. "Nick, it wasn't Nate that got me here. I did that all myself. Between Kim, Cragen leaving, and Nate it's been hard. You can't save me and you need to stop trying. Why do you feel this constant need to try to save me? Don't you have enough to worry about with Maria and Zara and your own life"?
"Amanda, don't change the conversation. I'm not trying to save you; I'm trying to make sure that I don't let anything happen like Lewis to my, our, team again". I sighed, frustration palpable in the car. "Nick, it isn't your job to take care of us. Our jobs are to keep the scum off the streets and have each other's backs when we are out on the job. Will you ever leave me in peace; let me make my own choices, and my own mistakes, without you two steps behind watching me?"
He gave me the sideways look. He couldn't see it. In his mind he was justified and nothing I said would change his mind. I was too drained to fight. All I said was "Nick let it drop right now." After that he didn't say anything outside of planning our approach with the two girls. They were 10 and 12. Both showed signs of physical abuse and possible sexual abuse. In a perverse way it was easier to focus on this than to think about my life, or try to deal with Nick.
At the hospital we spoke to the doctors. They had been given permission by social services to test for signs of any abuse. So far they had evidence that someone was physically and sexually hurting both girls. The older girl, Samantha, was the one in the hospital with the injuries. We went to talk to her first. He warned us that she wasn't opening up easily, her sister, Amy, who was 10yrs old was less defensive and more likely to give us more information. However, she was at a foster home so we would start with the older sister.
We knocked and entered the room. Samantha was on her bed with her arm in a sling. Flashbacks to my getting shot hit me. I smiled at her. She did not smile back. It was clear she was not going to divulge details easily. We had to try, it was always better to have a statement from a victim early to back up the evidence. The sooner we had the statement the more helpful it was in seeking charges against whoever was abusing her. I saw a look in her eyes that was very familiar. Her eyes spoke of a life that taught her never to reveal too much. But she was young; she couldn't hide all of the pain, sadness, fear, and the pride. She had survived this long, and she would continue to survive.
I approached her slowly, gently smiled, and asked about her arm. She shrugged with the good arm. Her hair fell into her face, a layer of protection to hide her eyes I thought. "Sweetheart, we are here to talk to you about what happened? We want to stop whoever is hurting you. This is my partner Nick, he can stay, or if you prefer, he can step out of the room. What would you like"? She looked at Nick and with a nod let Nick know she didn't care. My guess was it meant she didn't plan to say much.
"I know you have been through a lot and it is a lot to deal with. We are here to help you; we want to make sure this doesn't happen again. Can you please tell me what happened to your arm"? She looked up, straight into my eyes and said "I fell". I knew this was the standard answer, I had used it myself once. "You might be scared, or want to protect the person, but this won't stop. The person or people who hurt you need help; nobody ever has a right to physically hurt you". Again she looked up, "I fell".
I continued to talk to her and ask questions. I even tried to use the tactic of asking about other things about herself, her life. She lived with her mom, a boyfriend, and another adult male. After 15-20 minutes I could tell this wouldn't be the day. I gave her my card and told her to please call me anytime. I was here and no matter when, or about what, she could reach out to me.
This time in the car Nick didn't push for information. Next we drove to the foster home where Samantha's younger sister, Amy, was. It was a temporary shelter with a number of other kids. We were led to a room set up with games and toys, and a girl who we assumed was Amy, sitting at a small table. "Hello Amy, my name is Amanda. How are you holding up sweetheart"? She was not as defensive as her sister. The emotional pain was visible in her eyes; the sadness came out through her tears. She, like her sister, shrugged her shoulders. "I know this is a very hard time honey. My partner, Nick (she turned to him) and I are here to help you and your sister".
The interview lasted over an hour and Amy divulged a lot of the abuse and horror that was happening in her home. There was physical, emotional, and sexual abuse in the home. All three of the adults hurt the girls. It was the father that was the vilest. He had been sexually abusing or raping Samantha for two years according to Amy. Amy said that her father was attacking her when Samantha walked into the room the day Samantha got hurt. Samantha went at her dad, it was this that caused Samantha's broken arm. Although at this point in her statement Amy became very upset and was crying, it was clear her sister was unable to stop her father from raping Amy. In fact, Amy indicated he told Samantha she had to stay and watch or he it would be even worse for Amy. By the time we left the room both Nick and I were drained. These were some of the worst cases to work, a reminder of the monsters that surround us. The drive to the station was quiet.