Fin took me to some 'Fin Special Eating Establishment', over near his apartment again. It isn't a place most people would select by choice, but I was open to whatever. I was more worried about where the conversation would be going. First we ordered the food. I didn't have much of an appetite but Fin insisted I try the steak or some sandwich with a ton of meat on it. I went with the steak. Fin ordered a variety of food, clearly his appetite was intact.
Fin opened the conversation once the waitress was gone, "Amanda, I'm not trying to push you to open up your entire life to me. You gotta have someone you unload with. You have to know that going back to gambling was a result of all that stuff with your sister, getting shot, 'stupid hat guy', Cragen leaving. That is too much to deal with and pretend everything is ok. Tell me what happened with Lewis, start there."
Luckily the waitress arrived with our drinks and I had a minute reprieve. "You know what happened Fin, it is in the report that I gave right afterward. The first hour we were in the room with the three of us without much happening. I finally got Lewis out of the room so that Olivia could get free, and get us out of there. He'd cuffed me to the bed and enjoyed stabbing me with scissors, the screwdriver, and he choked me. That was it before Olivia came in and hammered him."
Fin nodded, he had that same look I'd seen a thousand times and followed it up with pushing me, "Amanda, I know that stuff. I'm asking you what you were going through, how you are dealing with it? I know it had to be traumatic, and hard for you to put total trust in us getting you out. You took a huge risk that must have been hard for you"?
I nodded, "It wasn't easy, I knew you would all come through. I trust you all and know you'd put your life on the line for me, despite what I've done recently. I was really feeling I had to make sure Olivia got away. I felt responsible after the hell she had been through. I knew I had added weight to her burden and I wanted her to know that I can be trusted; I wouldn't let the team down. I owed her".
Fin started again, "ok, but how are you feeling? What went through your mind? It must have triggered some memories when you were with Lewis. I know how that is…after my tour in the Gulf it took a long time to not jump whenever I heard a gunshot. I was a ranger, then I was a cop, and I was vulnerable. At that time I wasn't ok with it, but I want you to know that I was living with it daily. I was drinking, out taking risks. I lost my marriage, alienated my son, all because I couldn't deal with things. I took every chance to work overtime; I chose to go undercover and knew it would distance me from my family. To this day I can't make it up to my son. Don't lose any more. I'm here and you know me. I don't want to be pushing you; I haven't gone digging into your past like SuperMaro did. He means well, but I prefer to let you decide what and when to share. This time I can't do that. You need someone to listen and I need a partner. I don't think I could handle being with Amaro all the time. He's a good guy, but man you can't get him to deviate from his Amaro track. And I sure don't want some new person that I gotta train and deal with. You don't get someone like you or a Munch too often".
I smiled; Fin didn't give direct compliments often. I could sense he had given me a huge opening and we could get back to the tight partnership we had before. I had to take a leap and go outside of my comfort zone. Fin, the guy that didn't ever reveal much, wanted me to start dumping out feelings. Strange thing about feelings…I didn't always know how to feel them. I figured that was a good place to start. "Fin, you are the best partner I could have. I started out with a load of shit and you just kept supporting me, fighting for me. I do have faith that you are there for me and would take a bullet for me". He smiled at that, probably thinking of when I was shot by someone trying to get to him. "I'll be honest; I don't always know what I feel. I don't have a word to attach to what is going on inside. Of course I know when I'm afraid, like when I was alone with Lewis. I was sad when Kim turned on me. I knew anger when I sat in court and had Nate tell the world he'd be sleeping with other women when he was with me. I was embarrassed too, felt stupid that Amaro was right, again, and my pride took a beating".
Our food came at this point so we started to eat and things were quiet for a while. I figured it was on me to keep sharing, that was the point of this. "When I was growin up in Georgia, Kim and I didn't have a mama we could go cry to if someone was mean at school. If I got a good grade Kim was the one I told. We didn't get hugs or words to comfort us. It was the two of us and we were just in mama and daddy's way most of the time. Daddy liked to hurt mama when he was drunk or upset. I worked hard at showing nothing to anyone. Nobody cared and emotion was just weakness that got used against you. One time, when I was maybe eight, I was crying out on the porch and my mama came up to me, called me a crybaby and swatted my head. She didn't even bother to find out that I was crying because my cat died".
Long pause…"I'll try, I'll tell you what I can. I'm not trying to be difficult; it's just not how I grew up. I take care of me and I don't take a lot of time to think about things, I just try to fix them and move forward. However, you being my partner and a friend, I want to earn your trust again".
After we at a little more and I had put together my thoughts, I picked up the conversation again. "When I was with Lewis, after he took me away from Olivia, I had this stab of terror and wanted to go back in time and not enter the house. I kept thinking that what happened with the Deputy Chief was nothing compared to this. I wanted to beg him to stop and let me go. I wanted to be back in the room with Olivia, the comfort of her presence. Once I was handcuffed I felt sick, so sick I barely kept it in. Every nerve in my body was on edge, the pain was horrible, and I couldn't control the tears. I couldn't even look at him or I was afraid I would start to scream. I felt 10-years-old again. I felt a rare moment of complete loss of control. I don't know if I was more scared of not having control or the pain he would inflict. I couldn't even think about the possibility of him raping me. Fin, I don't know how Liv survived what she did. I was scared and powerless; I think I would have done anything he asked just to make it another minute…and not to hurt".
"Is that the stuff you want to hear? Is that what is suddenly going to save me from myself and keep me on the straight and narrow"?
"Amanda, yeah, that is a start. It is ok to be afraid, to cry, to be ready to beg for your life, to feel pain. There's not a person alive that wouldn't feel that way. But you can't pretend it didn't happen. Laying your burden on someone else can help. I know when my son was going through all that stuff; I couldn't have made it without you guys there with me every moment along the way. You took care of me so I could take care of him. Now I'm here to do that for you. Let it out".
I finally knew what he was telling me, not to just say the words, but he wanted me to let the actual emotion come out.
"Fin, we have been partners for a few years now and I don't know much about you. Our relationship has always respected that. I don't know what you do on your off time, if you have a girlfriend, about your family and siblings. I've met your son a couple of times….I know I brought my stuff into our work and partnership. For that I owe you explanations and you have the right to ask questions. I just have never done that before". I looked down at the food, I couldn't eat. I looked around the diner. It was so hard to share things that I never let out.
"Fin, I know I can trust you…but I don't want our conversations or what I tell you….I need it to stay here". Fin nodded, "do you even have to ask me to keep it to myself? I told you…IRS".
I started talking, not exactly sure what I was going to say, "I've made a lot of bad choices. I seem to fall off the right path over and over and I have to start all over again. I told you about Atlanta. I came up here and now twice gambling has almost taken everything. I think you know I don't talk to my family much? (Fin nodded) I never had a close relationship with any of them. Most of them are vultures, they take everything they can, never there no matter how much you need them. My mama, I think she wanted to be different". The entire time I was looking out the window next to us in the booth. Fiddling with my cup of water. I looked at Fin briefly and back out the window.
"Mama had it rough growing up. She ended up with my daddy when she got pregnant with me. He liked to hit her and scream a lot. When Kim was born I took it upon myself to protect her. I wanted to give her a normal life. Someone she could pick a flower for and I would smile, or if she fell I would hug her. When mama and daddy were fighting I'd take her outside to play. I got us to school, made sure we had food, cleaned our clothes. Mama spent most of her time smoking, drinking cocktails, or passed out. Daddy worked but he'd go out drinking and came home late, if at all. When I was with Lewis I wasn't thinking about my family, or worried I wouldn't see my mama again". I paused, briefly looked towards Fin and down to the cup. "I was thinking about you guys. I didn't want you to be disappointed that I couldn't defend myself. I was scared and it was my team that I went to in my mind for comfort. When I was with Olivia for that hour, I felt safe somehow. She gave me a sense of security I never had with my family".
"When I was in trouble this time with gambling you were the only one I wanted to talk to. I wanted to tell you everything". I smiled, looked up at him, I wanted you to go 'knock that hat off of Nate's head', and I wanted you to help get me out of the mess with the club and my debt. I was so low that I was willing to do things I never thought I would… because I was too proud to ask for help, and scared to lose my job". At this point a tear escaped, thinking of what I had done to try to save myself at the club with Murphy. I glanced at Fin, "I would have done anything to try to save my job, anything". It was the closest I could come to admitting how low I had been. Fin didn't say anything, but I didn't sense any judgment either.
"When I was growing up most of the kids around me were strung out, pregnant, drop-outs, or in jail. With luck, being stubborn, and some good teachers, I managed to not only graduate, but get a scholarship to college and even got my masters. I had to bury everything and walk away from everyone at home, even Kim, because I couldn't risk bringing any of that crap with me. Kim was still in school and I knew if I kept her with me I wouldn't be able to reach my goals". Now the tears were streaming, the guilt rose up and engulfed me. "I left Kim in that place knowing what it was like. I was selfish and wouldn't give up my dreams to save her. She is the way she is because I left her to fend for herself. She relied on me and I left". Fin gently took my hand, waited for me to look towards him, "Amanda, you did what you had to do. You can't keep that weight, Kim made her own choices. She is an adult and she was lucky to have you looking out for her. You didn't have anyone and you didn't end up like her. It's not your fault she's screwed up". I nodded even thought I still didn't feel that.
I was drained and didn't feel I could handle too much more. We'd finished our food and it had already been a few hours. Fin asked for the check, we paid, and got back in the car to head for the station.
"Thanks Fin, thank you for being one of the only people I can count on. And I want you to know I will pay you back the money you gave me. They kept it since it became part of the case. But I will get your money".
"Amanda, you never have to thank me for being a friend. I told you, I've got ya. Don't worry about the money. Stay away from that gambling stuff; don't make me get a new partner… that is what I want. I'm glad you are processing some of the bullshit, like I told you…it isn't easy and you feel weak, but you will get through it and you aren't weak. I still wake up with nightmares from things that happened in the army or on this job. Looking at little kids and the stuff that is done to them, I can't sleep sometimes with those images in my head. Or I think about my son and the mistakes I made. Anyway, I'm here".
"Thanks Fin". We got to the station and I had to put up my armor, I wasn't ready to wear my feelings on my sleeve, doubted I ever would. We walked in and there was a case ready for us to work on. Olivia and Nick didn't say much.