The Fire Within Chapter 19 Harry's POV
Oh my goodness I'm so sorry this took so long to get out. Please forgive me. I have here Chapter 19 I hope you enjoy it. Thank you for reading and reviewing and adding this story to favorite/alert lists. You guys all rock so much! Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. Please Review. I would love to hear from you.
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Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter that would go to J.K. Rowling.
Harry's heart thudded in his ears. Severus wasn't going to let him? He'd wanted to hear that for so long. But they're supposed to be friends right? That's what Severus wanted initially. Harry didn't want to argue but the thought that Severus might change his mind again tore at Harry's heart. He didn't want to put it on the line without knowing that he at least stood a chance against his Professors words. Harry gently pulled away from Severus who cocked his head to the side, raising an eyebrow in question.
"Do you want this to go beyond friendship now Severus?" Harry asked, knowing without a shadow of a doubt that he was rocking the boat. He had to. It was the only way to get Severus to admit that he wanted more now and not wait till the end of the year when Harry graduated. He didn't care about being a student or that Severus was a Professor. He just wanted to be with him.
Severus pulled away from Harry leaving a considerable distance between them even though the bed wasn't that big. Harry knew that Severus was also distancing himself emotionally. The boat couldn't take the rocking.
"Harry you know we can't do that yet." Severus scowled, glaring at Harry for ruining the mood.
"But I can be in your bed?" Harry threw back, cheeks flushing with anger.
Severus sat up, rigid as he stood up. "That shouldn't have happened I lost my mind for a moment. Now it would be best if we moved this discussion to the living room."
Harry got up from the bed and stomped his way to the living room. It was probably childish and didn't embolden Severus to Harry, but he didn't care. Harry past Bella along the way carrying a tray laden with food. He heard Severus instructing her to take it to the living room. She agreed, but didn't sound too thrilled at the prospect.
Harry decided it'd be best if he went back to Gryffindor tower. He didn't think he could take any more time with Severus without saying something else that would put them at odds again. Harry past the living going straight for the exit. Severus's voice stopped him before he could get there. "Where are you going?"
Harry glanced over his shoulder. "I need to change before class starts and Hermione and Ron are probably worried about me." Harry knew it was wrong to give Severus the cold shoulder. He didn't know what else to do. Every time he thought they were making some kind of progress it went to hell. Last night was so wonderful if not a bit frightening. He was held by Severus. There was no way he'd ever be able to forget the way those strong arms felt wrapped around him. Normally the man was so cold and reserved. Last night he was so warm and there was no sign of the guarded man who resided so close to Harry now.
"You need to eat," Severus said, trying to sway Harry. It almost worked. All Severus had to do was snap his fingers and Harry would bend over backwards to do what he wanted. Severus probably knew he had that kind of power over Harry. Harry had to resist at least until he sorted through the jumble of emotions that were swimming through him at the moment. He was sure he could do this whole friend thing then Severus had to go and wrap him in his embrace last night then this morning. Now he didn't know if he could. Not when Severus kept going back and forth. One minute they were something more then they were back to being friends.
"I'll get something in the Great Hall. See you later." Harry didn't bother to turn around. It was time to go before he couldn't bear to leave. He rushed out and nearly ran over Malfoy. Harry froze. Oh, no. Malfoy's gaze practically knocked Harry over. Malfoy had to know where he was coming out of. This wasn't good. All Harry needed was for Malfoy to threaten him about Severus again. We all know how that went last time.
"Mr. Potter, next time please arrive on time and come prepared. I will not waste my time tutoring you if you do not have the decency to be ready." Severus sniffed behind Harry. He peeked up at his Professor. He wore a deep scowl, brow furrowed and arms crossed over his chest. Severus seemed genuinely pissed off. Harry almost believed him about not being prepared.
He shook off his shock that Severus was covering for him. He also sent out a silent thank you to Severus. He dipped his head down. "Sorry. I'll bring my own books next time," Harry growled. He hoped he was selling his part. One look at Malfoy showed that he wasn't buying it. Harry turned on his heel and marched the hall not bothering to look behind him. He could feel two gazes on his back until he was out of sight. Once out of the stuffy confinement of the dungeons he jogged all the way back to his room. When he was in the safety of his own room he let out a deep breath. That was so close.
He pulled out some clothes from his trunk, dressed quickly then went to find Hermione and Ron he needed them to hear him out. His run in with Malfoy rattled him. He got caught. Again. Sure Severus covered for them and it was more or less the truth. Severus would be tutoring him soon. He found Hermione and Ron in the common room. Hermione was going over Ron's homework pointing out what he did wrong.
"Geez, Hermione McGonagall doesn't grade as hard as you do," Ron whined when he saw all that Hermione marked out, circled, and plain crossed out.
"You're just writing out of your butt. You're not taking the time research the subject. Now start again. I want another draft before lunch." Hermione huffed, falling against the couch looking to all the world exhausted but Harry knew better. Her lips turned up at the corners, his eyes softened as she watched Ron grumble about his essay. She really loved him. Harry felt a pang of jealousy. He wanted that with Severus. Why did it feel so hard to get? Was it supposed to be this hard?
Harry sat down next to Ron. Ron ran his hand through his hair making it stick up everywhere. Hermione reached across the table and smoothed it out. Ron grinned at her, she blushed a pretty pink. She sat back down, turning a knowing smile on Harry. "You were gone for a long time yesterday. Tell us what happened," She said eagerly bouncing in her seat.
"Remember you don't have to go into that much detail," Ron said.
Hermione glared. "Ron! Maybe some of us want to hear all the details," She tossed him a cheeky grin. Ron spluttered, face as red as his hair. Harry laughed. This was exactly what he needed. Time with his best friends.
"I don't really know where to start…" Harry told them everything from Severus holding him to the confrontation about being in his bed to the encounter with Malfoy. "Then I came here."
Hermione and Ron looked at each other. Ron gestured for Hermione to take the lead. Hermione warm brown gaze landed on him. "Harry you don't sound like you like what's happening." Harry shook his head. He really didn't. All this going round and round in circles was making him feel ill. "Maybe you should take a step back from everything. No tutoring with Snape. No nothing. Just student and Professor at least until you configure out what you want to do."
Harry nodded his head in understanding. "I think I might do that. My heart can't take much more rejection. Every time we get closer to something that resembles a relationship he pulls away and I can't do it anymore."
Ron had remained quiet while Harry and Hermione had been talking, but now he spoke up. His head bowed. "Harry, are you sure? Once you do this you might not be able to recover with Snape again this might be the thing that really breaks whatever you guys have."
Harry stared at his best friend. Ron's head was still down and Hermione was looking at him like he grew another head. Ron finally looked up. "What?"
Harry slung his arm over Ron's shoulder. "You're awesome."
Ron narrowed his eyes at Harry then smiled. "Tell me something I don't know."
They all laughed. Who would have thought that Ron would make Harry think about staying with Severus? Ron was right. There was a chance that if he did tell Severus he needed space that they wouldn't be able to recover. This was something he needed to do though. He didn't know if he could spend the rest of the year caught in limbo with the man he loved. This back and forth dance they had going on had to stop. Unless Severus was willing to be together with Harry that would be the only thing that would stop him from ending everything. Maybe if Severus had kept up the whole friend thing, but then everything that happened earlier showed that they both couldn't keep it up. Why couldn't everything come together?
The rest of the day past in a blur of Hermione yelling at Ron for not even trying and Ron sticking his fingers in his ears when her voice went higher and higher until it almost broke glass. At the end of the day they were still smiling and flirting in their own awkward way. Before dinner Harry went to Severus's office hoping he'd still be working on something. He knocked on the door and got a grunt to come in.
Harry stood in front of Severus hands behind his back, sweat collecting on his temples and sliding down the back of his neck. I thought the dungeons were supposed to be cool. It's hot down here. Harry adjusted his collar all the while Severus stared at him.
"What are you doing here?" Severus asked in a clipped tone. He obviously didn't want this conversation to last long. Fine. Harry could do quick.
Harry breathed deeply deciding that standing was his best option. If he sat down he didn't know if he could stand up again. His heart pounded against his chest, he fiddled with the back of his shirt while he got up the courage to speak. Severus continued to glare at him. Harry's heart ached. Those black eyes glittered with many emotions. Long white fingers held a quill above a stack of papers that probably needed to be graded. Harry wanted to run away. He didn't want to do this. He needed to do this. "Severus I don't want you to tutor me."
Severus leaned back in his chair regarding Harry with a cool gaze. "I thought I told you it's so we can spend time together and not have any one be suspicious."
Harry cleared his throat. It was hard to get the words out. It felt like a frog was stuck his throat. "I know. I'm saying I don't want to do that."
"You know we can spend any kind of time together unless it's in the professional sense."
"I don't want to spend time together. I want to be out of this whatever it is between me and you. It's too hard."
Severus straightened up eyes flashing. Harry backed up a step. His stomach hurt. This was so difficult. He didn't want to hurt Severus, but this was best for them of right now. "I'll return the books to the library and we'll resume our student and Professor relationship. I'm sorry," Harry whispered before he left a silent Severus. His heart crumbled into a million pieces with every step. His heart screamed at him to go back and take back those horrible words. He kept walking. There was nothing else he could do.