I'd wanted him to look confused and to tell me I was wrong. That her hands had slid up his chest and onto his cheeks pulling him down to her. That she'd kissed him. Just like I'd seen her do and not the other way around but I also knew him. He wouldn't shift that technicality onto her as a fault because he wasn't that petty. I wished he were. I wished he would fight me on this because that's what I wanted so badly, a fight.
Dimitri was always ready for one so why was he looking at me like this, like I'd disarmed him.
"So go on." I demand, my voice lilting into something dangerously resembling pain. "Tell me nothing is going on. Tell me I have got it wrong, that when it comes to romance Rose is suddenly inept. "
"It's not… It wasn't…" he's trying to grasp words and that just makes it worse.
"It's none of my business right?" I regain control, latching onto the anger. "Like me and Adrian or me and Anton are not yours! Like me sleeping with anybody is not your business."
"You have it wrong Rose. You have no idea." He says tiredly, running a hand through his hair. He sits down on an arm of one of our leather sofas. I stand rigidly on my side of the coffee table, keeping it as a barrier between us.
"Then enlighten me."
"I don't know how. I'm not sure it matters anymore." He says more to himself than to me.
A tirade of ugly emotion rushes up my throat and my eyes blur. I clench my teeth and look upward to a point on the ceiling. I would not cry. I would not let him see me cry. I scrabble around for the anger, almost begging for spirit to make an appearance and make me act like a crazed harpy. That at least could be justified, wrote off and forgotten but if I cried I'd never be able to look at him again knowing he'd seen me break.
Seen me break over him telling me it didn't matter because it really meant an end…the end of us.
I pictured him going home to her. I pictured her kissing him again and smiling sympathetically when he told her a watered down version of tonight. Then they'd put it all aside and become wrapped up in each other and I'd be just something that had happened that night but it wasn't that important. I pictured them undressed each other in a cabin deep in the woods, a secret only they knew.
Rage came quickly.
"Whatever. It has nothing to do with me. I want nothing to do with it. Just like you have nothing to do with my decisions, what I do or who I see." I march out to the hall and take some deep breaths. I yank the cupboard under our stairs open. I grab a pair of Lissa's boots because there's no way I can face my stilettos and I'm sure this combo would work, well, it work for walking around the block anyway. I needed to keep moving so the anger had something to eat.
"Rose." He's followed me and I ignore the tingle that runs up my spine. I ignore how my name prompts a question and simultaneously it demands an answer. I'm through giving him responses he doesn't deserve. He is not my mentor, my lover, not even my friend.
I shove the boots onto my feet and slam the door, the bang sounds through the house.
"Where are you going?" he asks even though he has an answer in mind. It's the reason why his voice is as thin and tight as wire.
"Out."
"Out where?"
"None of your fucking business." I stomp my foot into the shoe giving me difficulty and it slides into place. I stand and whirl, heading for the front door.
He grasps my arm and pulls me back. "You're in no shape to go anywhere by yourself." His grip is tight, serious but not uncomfortable. I glare at his fingers before challenging his gaze. It was a really good thing I was angry or I would notice how close he was, how rich his dark eyes were and how it would make me hesitate.
Don't hesitate.
"Your point is invalid. Let go." My voice is low, barely contained.
"I'm the responsible adult here, not to mention colleague. I will not tolerate a valued guardian disgrace themselves and their moroi by trivial means."
"I am fully capable of making my own decisions and dealing with the consequences." I try wrenching my arm away but he doesn't give and it only serves to bring our bodies closer together.
"Think Rose." He growls.
I was thinking. I was thinking I needed to get away from here and running back to the city wouldn't be far enough. I was thinking I needed to do some laps. I needed away from him and the thrill of his touch and how it made me want to break something. I had no intention in going to Anton despite what I'd said earlier, despite what I was letting Dimitri believe. I was thinking I would never be that stupid.
His eyes search mine for an understanding and his voice is like strained velvet. "You're smarter than this and you have more self-respect."
I shove him away, the sheer force takes him by surprise and the hand that held me braces against the wall. "Self-respect? Self-respect has everything to do with how I view myself and nothing to do with you or anybody else! Don't put your own insecurities on me! Go and deal with your own shit. Go set Tasha straight like I plan to do with Adrian because it's what they deserve. That's the right thing to do!"
He straightens up from the wall. A muscle in his jaw ticks. "Doesn't Adrian deserve to know the truth before you involve yourself with another guy?"
A dark smirk pushes its way onto my lips. "Probably but Anton's closer."
I said it really offhandedly like betraying Adrian in such a way could be so easy. It sparks rage in his eyes and I take a step back, reaching behind me for the door handle. If Dimitri knew anything about me he knew how loyal I was, how I would never deliberately hurt someone I cared about if I could help it. Implying I'd betray my own virtues as well as someone I loved enraged him.
Good.
"I'm not letting you walk out that door."
I manage a short laugh. "Like you have any say in the matter, as if your opinion matters at all." I turn the handle behind me and it opens. He's in motion, closing the short distance between us like I anticipated and I'm yelling at him. "You can't keep me here! I am not your little novice to protect or train and if I want to involve myself with Anton then I will. Hell, if I want to sleep around..." I raise my free hand and aim one finger at his chest, punctuating each word with a jab. I imagined it was like poking a bomb that may or may not be active. "There is not a single thing you can do."
There's a loud thud as the hand I'd been using to poke him hits a spot on the door above my head. My body weight being pushed back on the door makes a louder bang as it's sealed back into the frame.
Dimitri's taking deep and heavy breaths. The rise and fall of his chest and shoulders are the only thing I can focus on as the rest of me is trapped between the door and his body. His hair has fallen forward, framing his face and drawing more attention to his eyes, dark and magnetic. They paralyse me more than his grip does. My memory flicks back to a training session before Christmas when I'd provoked him and we'd ended up in a similar position. Involuntarily my gaze drops from his eyes to his lips and my own part. The only light is coming from the living room further up the hall and it filters in weakly, not reaching us. It's just us alone in the dim light and it's funny that lack of luminosity can make something feel private, like it will never exist outside of the dark.
It's so tense breathing feels like a violation.
"Don't." he finally breathes.
He could mean a thousand things.
I wriggle my wrist and he immediately removes his hold. I slide away from him and half run back up the hall into the well-lit living room. Jesus, I feel like I just experienced an earthquake and it's rattled me to the core.
Breathe.
Get a grip.
I wonder if there's any of Christian's whiskey left as I run a hand through my hair and pull it over my shoulder.
His light footsteps rest on the edge of the room and I turn to him before I lose my nerve. "I deserve a reason."
"What for?" his voice is calmer but his expression radiates how delicate his control is.
"Why I get the third degree over Adrian and you can't even explain what's going on with you. It's only fair."
He was under no obligation to tell me anything. On paper everything about tonight would be in his favour but I hoped he would just this once let it be us again….not Guardian Belikov and Guardian Hathaway but Rose and Dimitri. Two people who'd had a history of caring for each other and then tomorrow we could go back to cold disregard. It would feel like ripping open a barely healed wound but I could do it. Guardians were built to endure.
He regards me wearily and I fight to keep my face composed. The anger has retreated and I'm scared of my expression betraying me. I did not want to look pleading.
"You're right." He says. "You deserve the truth."
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Hey guys
So I know this chapter is really short but it was either a snippet or nothing until next week and I really wanted to give you all something seeing your reviews are SO AMAZING.
I did get myself a Beta, thanks to BadOldWestern's advice and they'll be looking over the next chapter, so if this one has errors (likely) it's all on me .
I appreciate every single of your comments. They keep me warm in uni lectures. Hope you enjoy this teaser!
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