I remember a teacher once asking the class if we knew what the longest travelled distance on earth was. I can't remember the answer as Mason was distracting me with his very graphic drawing of Kirova with her underwear on fire. His way of avenging a detention I'd received… but even if I could remember it would be wrong. The longest distance on earth stretched between where I stood and where Dimitri did.

The weight of Texas had decided to set up camp on my chest. My ribcage was doing its best to balance it and protect my heart.

He watches me like I'm a stranger from the entry and I suppose I was watching him the same way. He steps into the room and my foot slides back an inch. To think just a moment ago I'd had the outline of him pressed up against me. Felt the heat radiating off his skin. Inhaled the smell of fabric softener laced with something that was just him, something masculine and delicious and intoxicating. His chest had been against mine, his heart thumping loudly as I it was personally trying to reach me. The look in his eyes was a different anger than before. It had thickly coated his words and made them alluring. I didn't trust myself identifying it. It held the properties of being reckless, protective and possessive. It sounded like jealousy.

And it thrilled me.

He thrilled me.

I beat the thoughts away and focus on Dimitri, who was sitting back down on our couch. He leans forward, elbows resting on his knees, hands clasped between them. He looks up at me from under his eyelashes. "Are you going to sit down?"

I shake my head. I couldn't sit down even if I wanted to. There was a road block between my mind and body.

He looks away, thoughts casting out somewhere else and I hoped he was reeling in some answers. Minutes drag by and he takes a deep breath. My heart stutters and I cross my arms.

"You want to know the truth about Tasha and I?" he says quietly, peering back up at me.

Do I?

Do I really want to know? Do I really want to hear what could be the worst case scenario in regards to my own heart and did I want to bring it on myself? Yes. Of course I did. Just call me Mary Masochist. I could always comfort myself with the knowledge I'd buried the 'what ifs'. I'd know how level the ground was. I'd have closure. Worst case scenario he was about strip my heart raw but then again, what use would it be anyway when the person it belonged to didn't want it?

The tin man had it all wrong. He was better off before he asked for one.

I meet his guarded gaze and nod. He looks away and takes a deep breath. I get the feeling he's somewhat disappointed and relieved at the same time.

"As you know, Tasha and I have a history." He begins in a tender voice. I don't know whether his tone is because the atmosphere is delicate or it's a natural reaction to mentioning her. He straightens up and continues. "Mostly a history of friendship. There have been a few occasions where it's been suggested we could be more, you know that too and you know why I declined."

"Because you loved me." I say quickly. I couldn't help it. I had to have it acknowledged that there was a time we had been in love and it wasn't just something I'd concocted or exaggerated in my own head.

He looks directly at me, eyes revealing nothing but his voice is soft. "Yes." I nod to myself. The confirmation took off some of the weight, just slightly. I could hold onto that answer, it would stop me going crazy over second guessing.

"If she knew why I'd turned her down she never said so but I suspected she did. She's smart, intuitive so I guess she was respecting my choice even if she didn't understand. Then everything changed…." He trails off in a whisper that screams volumes. Grief was spilling into the air, absorbing the anger. The 'could have beens' and 'what if's' that haunted me late at night creaked on the floor boards, waiting. He swallows, his eyes trying to focus on the room instead of seeing horrors of the past. The urge to go to him is overwhelming and I tense my arms tighter around myself. But he's stronger than I give him credit for. His voice is quiet and solid when he continues. "I was so lost when I was restored. You can't understand Rose. I can't properly explain how I felt. The guilt was oppressive, it was there constantly filling me up and threatening to crush me. Sometimes I wanted to let it. Sometimes I just wanted to end it all, it shames me to admit. But the pain is what I deserve after the things I'd done…the things I done to you." He trails off again, his words coloured with anguish. I want to argue, I want to go to him.

I step forward but he stands up abruptly and walks around the back of the couch to the window overlooking the street. With his back to me I can't read his expressions anymore. I can, however, read the pain in his voice. "Slowly the guilt got easier to work around. I was able to feel the small pleasures of things again… sunlight on my skin, a joke, just…little things. Tasha helped me focus; made sure I kept busy and made me fight to get my life back, my career. Lissa played a huge part there too, convincing the community to accept me. I'll never be able to repay her. Or Tasha, she fought her way in when I shut everyone out. It's more than I deserve."

His words had made me ache and now they stung. Tasha had fought for him? Tasha was a champion of his salvation and to an extent Lissa was to? But me? Did I not fight hard enough? Did I give up too soon? I had trusted him absolutely and I trusted him when he told me to leave him alone. I trusted the abandonment his actions screamed at me every day. How he would look at me without really seeing me. I trusted I meant nothing and if anything I was like a splinter that wouldn't unlodge from his life.

He goes on, oblivious to the weight on my chest making me fall apart behind him. "Somewhere along the line Tasha thought a relationship between us was possible again. Honestly, I can't say I wasn't aware of the shift, I just choose not to acknowledge it. I had a lot on my mind. It was one night after dinner with my family when she brought up the ski lodge, what happened between us and she asked me if there was the slightest chance I could feel something for her. Something we could build upon. I was honest when I told her I wasn't sure, I didn't know if I could ever love anyone again especially not how she deserved to be. Of course she argued with me. She said I was a good man, I always would be. She asked me to think about it. Then last week she met me after my shift and asked me if I'd come to any decision. That must have been when you saw us…I hadn't, haven't, and you would think my indecision would be enough reason for her to give up. Having someone be undecided about their affection for you isn't becoming of them, it's rather horrible and immoral. I should be alone." He turns around and I stare at a piece of lint on the wooden floor. "She said that I was worth waiting for. All she asked I would do is try."

"And then she kissed you." I whisper. My knuckles have turned white with effort of holding myself together. There were going to be bruises on my arms. "But you haven't decided?"

I raise my heavy gaze to his. He doesn't deny her kissing him first. He just says. "I owe her enough to try."

"You make it sound like a debt."

"It is a debt. She's helped me rebuild my life. At the very least I can try and make her happy."

"She's done those things because she loves you. Because you should do it anyway when you love someone not so they can owe you it back! That is not unconditional love. That is not how it works Dimitri. You still can decide."

He looks away. "You don't understand Rose."

"No you don't understand!" I scream and he flinches. "How have you gotten so stupid? This isn't a bill you need to collect. This is your life and hers. Do you really think that's how she wants you to feel about your relationship? THAT YOU OWED HER ONE?" I'm so angry again I can feel myself shake under my own grip.

He raises an eyebrow and says in what my deluded mind thinks is awe. "You sound like my mother." He watches me for a few moments, his gaze warm but then he blinks and shuts me out again. "You asked me for an explanation. You got one."

"That's the most suck ass, ridiculous piece of crap I've ever heard."

"You're still the most expressive person I know, such creativity with language."

"And I'm creating a whole new list of names to call you. You're giving me shit about ending it with Adrian when it's the honest thing to do. I don't love him and just because he helped put me back together after you shattered me doesn't mean I owe him a relationship. I owe him the truth and the truth is I cannot love him the way he deserves it! The way you think Tasha deserves it. You're trying to force something. If you don't love her now you never will."

"You can learn to love someone." He says without much conviction. "I've seen it."

"Well that sounds terribly romantic. I wish you both all the best."

"You wanted an explanation." He repeats and I notice his hands curl into fists. "I'm sorry it wasn't a fairy tale."

"Everything about your relationship would be false."

"I can make her happy until someone else can give her everything she wants."

"But she'll believe you're everything she wants because she'll think you want her!" I catch my breath, suddenly terrified by how obvious my voice sounds. "Unless you really believe you can learn to be in love."

He can't hold my gaze.

"Dimitri."

He clenches his jaw and pulls his shoulders back. He meets my eyes with naked resolve, strength to stand firmly behind honesty. "No Rose, I can't learn to be in love with someone else. Maybe it is possible for others but not for me. I can just stand in until Tasha finds someone else and I'll make that clear."

"This is ridiculous. Why can't you find love again?"

A part of me was selfishly glad that he thought that. That he believed the last time he would ever be love was a time with me. That part was tiny, the greater part of me hurt that he thought he wasn't capable of having something so special again. And yeah what we had didn't last very long but it was incredible and rich and real. He deserved to find it again. So did I.

"I should be more than grateful for what I have."

"Should? But you aren't."

He stares at me and doesn't respond. I feel like I'm missing something. A thought strikes me and my fingers immediately relax, causing blood to rush back to the parts of my arms that had been in my vice like grip. I'm vaguely aware it hurts.

Before I can say anything he says. "I think you should give Adrian another chance. You were happy with him. I saw it."

The thoughts building momentum in my head slam on the brakes.

Stupid Rose, stupid.

I close my eyes and try to lock it down, the questions, the hope. "You can leave now. Go home to Tasha, start building. " I turn away from him and try to get a grip.

Why did Tasha get him to try and I didn't? I knew that would never work though, I had more pride than Tasha…It would kill me knowing he was trying, that it just wasn't natural. It wasn't like how it used to be, easy as breathing. Instinctively knowing we had each other, no questions, no doubt.

"If I leave are you going to stay here?" He asks breaking through my thoughts.

It takes me a second to understand what he's talking about. He was worried I was about to skip off and seduce Anton Vetrov… it would be so much easier to be that kind of girl. Maybe. To shed my misery with my clothes and get into bed with someone else but I couldn't do that. The thought makes me feel sick. What I was going to do was find that whiskey, curl up in my room and cry. I was going to purge him out of my system but for some reason I open my eyes, turn around and say, "Maybe."

He straightens up, a storm brewing in his eyes. "You're bluffing."

"Maybe, maybe not. You see I made this deal with myself that tonight would be driven by hedonism. Anything for pleasure."

"And you call me a hypocrite." He hisses.

I smile. "Not all of us are selfless enough to pretend to be devoted to someone we're not." I'd gone back to acting like a Class A bitchy brat but sometimes it's the only way to protect yourself and yano…not start crying.

He studies my face. "No, you're bluffing but I wouldn't put it past you to find Anton just to prove me wrong."

"Jesus Christ for all your painful modesty about Tasha's love your awfully big headed about how I regard you." I say making my voice all light and playful.

"I can read you. It's just that simple." He says coldly.

"Well in amidst of your mid-life crisis I'm glad my characteristics are one thing engrained into your mind. Now get out of my house before you ruin anything else."

"Fine." He snaps and in three long strides he's at the door. I'm blindsided by the weight leaving my chest and crashing through to my stomach.

"Why the hell does it matter to you so much anyway?" I blurt, making him freeze. "Why do you keep pushing me to be with Adrian?"

His shoulders are tense and he turns to speak over his shoulder. "Because it makes sense."

"Haven't you been listening to me?"

"Yes Rose, I have." He turns around fully. "I guess I just want it to be that simple. That what makes sense logically can be possible."

"Love has nothing to do with logic."

For a moment he looks like he remembers just how much of that is true.

"Adrian doesn't deserve it." He says.

"Adrian will get over it." It would crush him but he would. "It's unfair to let it go on. We both deserve more. It's all about balance, he doesn't balance me and he might think so but I'm not best for him either. He tries…but he tries to impress me and other people, he doesn't do it for himself. A relationship needs to be what's best for both. I love him and I'm letting him go."

"But not like that Rose. Not by using Anton as an axe. You don't know what it's like to love you. To have a heart broken by you would be excruciating. Don't do that to him."

"He won't know about Anton."

Repugnance contorts Dimitri's expression and having it directed toward me is like being punched in the gut. "Oh come on Rose, know who you're intending to sleep with. Anton will have told the entire campus if not the country before you wake up."

My cheeks flare. I'd forgotten the burden of the adultery card I'd been playing. "Only if he wanted to live the rest of his life in a wheelchair."

He treads a couple of steps back into the room. "Don't be naïve to the type of man he is. He has no respect for women. Do you think he'll care about your wrath? He'll welcome it. It would be the ultimate prize." I can't look at him anymore and move over to the window. "He's an idiot, for the lack of a stronger word." Dimitri continues but he had it wrong. I was the idiot. This whole night just proved it and I had nothing left to lose so I through down my last pathetic card.

"Not that much of an idiot. He hasn't breathed a word so far."

I immediately regretted saying it. My whole body reacted, lungs stopped working, heart stopped beating and ice trickled down by spine.

It was deadly quiet.

"You're lying."

Yeah, I was but I my tongue was lead. I was afraid to turn around, to see what kind of look was accompanying his voice.

"You wouldn't do that, you are not like that and I cannot understand why you're making yourself out to be."

Neither could I but it had something to with making you stay and because it annoyed you, like you annoyed me.

His heavy footsteps come deeper into the room and my body tenses. "If you'd been that stupid everyone would know, in sordid detail."

"Then I'd kill him." My tone sounds weak and pathetic, reflecting me perfectly then.

"Not if I got there first."

I turn around and find him bracing two hands on the back of the couch where I'd previously stood. His knuckles were white, I feared or the leather.

"What? Why?"

His jaw clenches and his tone is dragged across glass. "I didn't mean it lightly when I said he has no respect for women. I've seen some the darkest parts of this world, lived them and he repulses me. The things I've heard him say and the women I've seen him hurt… I wouldn't stand by and let it happen to you." He closes his eyes and inhales like he'd trying to calm himself down.

Why why why why why why?

The question's tipping out of my lips when he speaks with more control than before. "You're an incredible guardian and Lissa needs you. I wouldn't have either of you humiliated by such a low life."

Back to Lissa, always back to Lissa. My shoulders drop, the weight on my chest disintegrates like its being corroded by radioactivity. It left me numb. His reasons always came back to protecting others, Lissa, Adrian, but it was never just about me.

I looked at him utterly defeated and began memorizing his form, trying to commit it to memory because after tonight I was never going to see him again. I didn't mean literally, that was ridiculous, I meant I would look and I would not see. I wouldn't see his sturdy shoulders and the strength in the way he held himself. I wouldn't see or notice the contours of chest and arms, how they were sculpted and curved to yield to the muscle under his skin. I wouldn't see his sun-kissed complexion and how gorgeous it was. I would not see his cheekbones, jaw or magnetic gaze that noticed everything and gave away nothing. I wouldn't see their rich colour and come undone. I would not see his hair and remember how it felt between my fingers. I wouldn't see his lips and remember how they felt on mine. How they burned on my neck, my cheek, my thighs, my chest…

I would look when I couldn't avoid it but I would not see him, just like he didn't see me. This was the end of the road. One I thought would be longer. One I hoped would be never ending. But it was done. I was done.

"Thank you." My voice is hollow. The space between his eyebrows crease and he cocks his head like he's misheard. "You're right, I was lying. You have nothing to worry about. I'll stay here."

He blinks. "Is this a trick?"

I shake my head and come around to sit on the couch. I kick off Lissa's boots.

"Are you… are you going to speak to Adrian?" he asks sounding perplexed.

"Not tonight."

"If I run into him, if he's at Christian's I don't know if I can lie to him."

"No one's asking you to lie to him."

"I couldn't easily stand by him knowing something that's going to hurt him."

You don't know what it's like to love you. To have a heart broken by you would be excruciating

I stare at a water mark on the surface of the coffee table. "I know what heartbreaks like, believe me, you get through it."

I hear him move out from behind the other couch and in my periphery see him sit down opposite. I should really wipe the glass down. Lissa hates marks on the table. I'd probably done it earlier without realising.

"Rose."

I close my eyes and scrape together the last bits of strength I have. I meet his gaze. He's leaning forward, elbows on his knees, watching me curiously. "Tasha's right you know. You are a good man and you deserve to be happy. You should build a life with her, if that's what you want. Children, a career, wife, a family… you deserve it all Dimitri. I mean it."

Expression drops off his face. I look back down at the stain.

"I'm sorry I've hurt you. I'm so sorry." He says suddenly and somehow it hurts more.

I will not cry.

"Like I said, you get over it." My hair falls forward like a protective curtain.

The longest distance measured the width of a coffee table.

I wished he'd leave, just go away, I didn't want to feel like this anymore. I didn't want to love him anymore.

He clears his throat after a few moments. "Is there any way, maybe not right now, but is there any way for us to be friends?"

I'm so grateful my hair is obscuring most of my face. He couldn't see my shut my eyes and clench my teeth, trying to hold off the pain that was pluming in my throat and trying to strangle me. I swallow the razor sharp golf ball and construct an answer. The word stuck to my tongue. It didn't want to leave. It was so heavy and yet it carried on a breath. "No."

"I understand." His words sound broken. I look up and find his head bowed. "What I've done, I'll always carry it Roza. It will be the biggest regret I'll ever bear. You are… an outstanding person."

"Why do you think I can't be your friend Dimitri?"

He looks up at me like I'm twisting the knife. I hate this. I hate all of this.

He swallows. "Because of what I've done. How I've been when all I should have been is grateful but the guilt… I should have been stronger but you seemed so happy with Adrian. I thought he was good for you. I thought you had someone deserving of you making you happy and I didn't want to disturb it. You gave me such loyalty and love and I took it all and threw it away like it was meaningless. It wasn't Rose, it was everything. You even told me you could still love me back at court, you found it still possible…." He takes a shaky breath, running a hand through his hair. "Guilt won. That's the regret I'll always carry. That I let the person I admire most down. I hurt you when before I would cut down anyone who threatened to do that. I betrayed every quality you loved me for. That's why you can't be my friend and its okay. It's okay because it's fitting. It's the best punishment I could have been given to atone for everything."

Something warm slides over the back of my hand and I realise my face is wet. "You think I can't be your friend because I can't forgive you?"

The anguish has spread all over his face now. Weighing it down and proving my heart can bear a lot more pain even when I think it's had enough.

I clear my throat and wipe my cheeks. "You're wrong. I can forgive you for that. The strigoi stuff I already have. It wasn't you, you weren't who you were before and you weren't the person in front of me now. You've talked about Tasha and owing her but you haven't said what you want. What would make you happy? This is your life, your happiness matters to. "

"Does it?" he smiles bitterly. "I get to live happily when I made sure so many never would? Destroying families, snatching loved ones, being an embodiment of evil on this earth and yet my happiness matters?"

"Yes!" I sit up and push my hair back, no longer caring about pride or dignity. He's the only person I'm weak for. "Let it go."

"How can you say that? You of all people."

"Because I know it wasn't you! You're not here in front of me with the same thoughts, the same apathy and indifference for life, for others' lives. I mean… you still don't want to kill me do you?"

"No." he snaps, anger mixing with the despair.

"It's not the same. I forgave you a long time ago, forgive yourself. " He looks unconvinced. "Let yourself have happiness. If Tasha can make you happy then be with her."

He lets out a false laugh and shakes his head. "Happiness… I should be more than happy. I got my second chance. I have my career, I have my family and I have people who have stood by me. Even if I haven't showed some of those people the gratitude they deserve. I get a second chance at living with honour and protecting the Princess. I'm grateful, so grateful but happy? No. And it's so unbelievable selfish it leaves me astonished and disgusted. "

"What would make you happy?"

Pain is vibrant in his eyes and he smiles weakly. "I can't have it. You told me it's impossible."

Tears are running freely down my face. "I can't be your friend because friends share what's important to them with each other. I'm not a big enough person to listen to you tell me about how you've fallen in love again or how many kids you wanna have with her. And yeah, I'll be happy for you because you deserve it. You're the best man I'll ever know. But I can't be your friend and watch you love someone else when I love you."

My vision is blurry and tears are dropping heavily onto my palms. I tilt my head to wipe away the moisture under my eyes. I'd thrown my dignity under a bus, and my pride into the abyss that stretched between us.

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*Waves* Hello…so ah, sorry this has taken a while but this whole chapter was so tangled up in my brain because THERE IS SO MUCH I wanted them both to say. I hope this flowed and I hope you guys enjoy it. I trust you'll let me know.

Your reviews are amazing, I've even put some of them on my instagram They make me soooo happy.

So whether you're going to rip this chapter a part, or vent about Dimka and Rose, please comment. Criticism is always helpful and appreciated.

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Happy Easter xx