Aisha's Super Classy Quest to become a Badass Cultured Super-Villain
Lesson 1.1: Making a Proper Entrance!
Aisha relaxed control of her power and reached for the knob of the door to her target's bedroom. She was definitely gonna make this work. The scene in that old Earth-Aleph movie where the hero surprised the villain as he was getting ready for bed, fading out of the shadows and scaring the shit out of him with his cultured, what was it? Monotreme? It was pretty damn badass. That was definitely how she wanted to play this. No one would be able to deny the classiness of her entrance if she pulled this off.
Slowly, Aisha opened the door, making sure that it didn't make a sound just in case. Looking behind her at the hallway to make sure no one noticed her entrance (after all, it was a good idea to make sure you kept good habits), she slipped inside and shut the door behind her.
"Damn..." Aisha muttered to herself as she took in the scene on the bed in front of her. "Lisa's never gonna let me live this down..."
Perhaps now wasn't the best time to make her dramatic entrance? Her target seemed, a bit distracted. Also, tied up. This hadn't happened in the movie she saw. Was there like a villain handbook on how to handle this? Skitter had always made this villain shit look so easy, so did all the other villains she knew. Aisha more than half-suspected that there actually was a handbook with instructions on what to do in situations like this, and the only reason she didn't have a copy was because someone forgot to give her hers cause she lost control of her power at the wrong time.
"Maybe I should come back later..." Aisha could hear a loud Mooing coming from her target's walk in closet. "A lot later."
Aisha turned, and as classily as possible in the situation, ran the hell away.
Lesson 1.2: A Classy Entrance must have Impact!
Okay, she had this. It took a while but she finally managed to corner her prey during what was apparently the very few times he was alone and not engaged in behavior which... well the less said about that the better. Especially if Lisa never found out about it.
"Mr. Markos..." She said, fading into notability as she clamped down on her power.
"Who the fuck are you and why are you in my bedroom?!"
"My name's Imp and I'm here to fuck you up."
"Wait so you're the stripper Manuel hired for tonight?" No. No no no and hell no. This wasn't going at all like she had planned.
Imp relaxed her grip on her power briefly, causing her target to forget what had just happened. Maybe a cool reference? All the best supervillains used awesome references to books and stuff... Maybe that'd work?
Imp clamped down on her power once more. "Mr. Markos..."
"Who the fuck are you and why are you in my bedroom?!"
"My name is Imp, and you're about to suffer a series of unfortunate events." That was awesome right? ominous, a cool reference and an accurate description of what was about to happen.
"What? A series of... Wait are you the stripper that Manuel hired for tonight?" Imp let go of her power. That didn't work out at all the way she thought it would. Was she not threatening enough? Maybe she didn't use the right reference?
Imp clamped down on her power a third time. "Mr. Markos..."
"Who the fuck are you and why are you in my bedroom?!" At least the look on his face wasn't getting old.
"My name is Imp, and with great power comes great responsibility, and you've ducked that responsibility for too long!" That seemed a bit clumsy but there was no way he could make that into some sort of deviant-
"Look, Miss, I'm sure you're a great stripper, but I'm not gonna be your baby-daddy, how much will it take to make this go aw- What was I?"
Okay, this clearly wasn't working out the way she thought it would. Maybe references weren't the keys to classiness? No. No all the movies and shit agreed, if you wanted to be a classy badass supervillain you needed to be classy as fuck, and that meant cool references, and possibly like one of those long cigarette holders and a slinky dress? The only issue was it was really hard to move in a slinky dress, and she didn't exactly want to smell like cigarette smoke when she was sneaking about trying to be a supervillain. Even with her power. No! she could be the masked avenger type of supervillain, sure they were usually heroes, but Skitter made her whole classy as fuck supervillain act work for her as a hero, Aisha was sure that she could make a classy heroic act super villainous.
Wait, was her target headed towards the Closet? No time to think, she couldn't let him get to whatever it was in there that kept mooing last time she was here or else there was no way in hell she'd be able to pull off a classy entrance!
Desperately, Imp clamped down on her power. "Mr. Markos..."
"Who the fuck are you and why are you in my bedroom?!" Her mark, huh, was that a pun? Were puns classy? Regent would know, but she couldn't exactly ask him anymore could she? Mr. Markos spun around and yep, tehre was that look on his face again.
Right, clearly this guy wasn't the brightest bulb in the box. She'd have to make this really easy for him. "I'm Imp, I'm Not a stripper, I'm a super villain, and I'm here to fuck you up."
"Wha..." That look on his face was priceless, clearly he was dumbfounded by her classiness. Imp punched him in his face. And let go of her power for a second to get in position for the second strike.
"Ah! I must have hit my have on something... I need to be more careful."
Fuck! he'd forgotten her classy entrance! How was she supposed to be remembered as a classy awesome supervillain if no one remembered she was here? Maybe a calling card? That seems like something that would be classy to have. She'd have to think about it. He was turning back to the closet again. Fuck. It was open and... wow... she was not expecting that. That was... that was something. Wow.
Yeah, there was no way she could pull this off while she could see that, it was... way too distracting. How did that even work? Well, at least her Mark, yeah puns were classy, she'd have to use more puns, didn't remember any of her failed attempts. She could do this again till she actually got it right. And if she had to punch Mr. Markos a few more times in the process, well, he did call her a stripper, a lot. So she wasn't about to lose any sleep over it.
Lesson 1.3: A Classy Entrance is all About Timing!
Okay. Clearly the bedroom was a terrible place to make her entrance. And she wasn't just thinking that because there was no way she'd be able to be in that room and appear classy after what she had seen in that closet. No! Clearly the best place to make an entrance was in her victim's office. Offices were nice and safe. Just to be certain though, Aisha checked the closets first.
It's just as well no one noticed her when she let her power run free because Aisha was fairly certain that there was no way that checking closets for... that... like a little kid checking for monsters was in any way classy.
The doorknob from the main entrance to the room shook as someone opened it from the other side. "Damn... Who keeps locking this door? I know I left it unlocked before I left." It was Mr. Markos. The door vibrated, as if someone kicked it. Huh. Note to self, classy villains did that right? make mental notes? Anyway. Note to self, make sure you leave the door the same way it was when you came in.
On second thought, Aisha realized that there was no way she was gonna remember that. Still, this was an office right? There had to be a notebook and a pen around here somewhere right? Aisha started searching around rooting through Mr. Markos' Desk for writing supplies.
Five minutes later, Mr. Markos was back with the key to his office and standing in shock at the sight of her as the door opened. "Mr. Markos! Today is the day you pay for your evil deeds! wait should it be good deeds? I'm a supervillain after all... Wait, no pretty sure your deeds are evil. So yeah, today you're gonna pay for your evil deeds and... why are you not looking at me when I'm talking to you?"
Aisha looked around. Wow, she really managed to trash the place didn't she? And... Oh. whoops, she forgot to clamp down on her power before making her speech, her target hadn't heard a single word she said. Right, easy way to fix that.
"Mr. Markos! Today is the day you pay for your-"
"You wrecked my office!"
Imp was taken aback. well, yes she did wreck the office, but that was hardly important, she really needed a pen and he didn't have any-
"And that's my pen! I won that pen in the Brockton Bay Open!"
imp looked at the pen in her hands, It was a really nice pen. "It's a really nice pen."
"I know it's a nice pen! It's MY pen!"
"Look that's hardly the-"
"And what the hell are you doing wrecking my office!"
"Look, My name's-"
"I don't care what your goddamn name is! I-" Mr. Marko's throat suddenly came down with an unfortunate case of "really nice pen inside of it".
"Look. Stop talking. I've had a really long day and it's completely your fault. Do you have any idea how hard it is to make a super classy ass entrance?"
Mr. Markos Gurgled in incomprehension.
"No? It's pretty damn fucking hard. I mean do you know what I had to go through to make this entrance? I had to... Wait you're bleeding out aren't you. Shit! You're bleeding out! This is totally not how I wanted this to go. Um. you don't know first aid do you?"
Mr. Markos looked at her uncomprehendingly.
"Right first aid. Damn it, My brother kept badgering me to take those damn classes, I wish I actually had. So uh. You have a hole in your throat. That's probably bad right?"
Mr. Markos stared at her with a blend of contempt and incredulousness.
"Fuck. I should probably pull out this pen right?" Mr. Markos' eyes widened comically and he started to shake his head frantically. "Right just Pull like this and... WOW that's a lot of blood. You know when I killed Heartbreaker he didn't bleed anywhere near this... Oh... right that's probably bad. Here let me put that pen back where it was and... Do you have any bandages here? Cause I've already sorta looked everywhere as you can see and... No... no you don't do you?" Aisha paused, this really wasn't going how she wanted it to go. "Uh. I tell you what, I'm gonna go ring that silent alarm you have under your desk and we can resume this some time next week,one you're better, okay?"
At the Look on Mr. Markos' face, Imp let go with her power, hit the silent alarm and fled the building. On the Plus side! At least her entrance had left an impact right? That had to count for something... Right?
Lesson 1.4: A Classy Entrance needs respect!
Aisha stood outside the door to Mr. Markos' hospital room. The big baby. Honestly it's not like he lost an arm, or got torn in half. Really having an impromptu tracheotomy was not a big deal! Also, it let her learn a new word! And everyone she talked to agreed that a large vocabulary was key to being a classy supervillain. Like being able to use the word accouterments correctly. Honestly, This was barely a flesh wound! and she had let him keep his really nice pen! though, she had stolen all of his secretary's pens while she was distracted whining about how "oh my god! we need to get you to a hospital! Oh! There's so much blood!" Shit, that chick was whining like Mr. Markos was gonna die. people didn't die from getting stabbed once or twice in the throat, you need to really work at shit like that. Flay their organs around teh entire room, or saw them in half, or ... get hit by a bolt of lightning...
Fuck it. Now wasn't the time to go thinking about the past. It was time for Supervillainy!
Aisha clammed up on her power allowing people to notice her again as she opened the door to Mr. Markos' room and stepped inside.
Mr. Markos was on some sort of machine that was breathing for him, with tubes in his throat. Aisha briefly wondered if that made him a cyborg. She made a note to ask defiant later. If anyone'd know he would.
"Hey Mr. Markos!" Aisha called out waving the get well bouquet she grabbed from one of the rooms on the way up. Mr. Markos looked at her face uncomprehendingly. "Sorry 'bout your throat! But you were asking for your pen back so loudly that you were really giving the accouterments of your office a real workout."
Mr. Markos' face got all scrunched up in confusion before going blank with horror as he realized just who Aisha must have been. Aisha waved the Bouquet and put it on the bedside table. That weird machine next to Mr. Markos was beeping a bit faster now than before, but it probably wasn't important.
"Look, I know we got off on the wrong foot, what with that thing you keep in the closet of your bedroom, and the mooing, and the way you like to be tied up by strippers and the way I uh, accidentally stabbed you with that pen you won in the Brockton Bay Open that you're so proud of..." The beeping was louder now. "But don't worry Mr. Markos! I'm ready for a fresh start. I tell you what, why don't we forget about the fact that I punched you in the face, and stabbed you, and wrecked your office, and know about that thing in your closet... That..."
Huh, why was Mr. Markos' face becoming more and more horrified? she was apologizing right? did she do it correctly? she brought flowers? Maybe... oh. "Wait... You don't remember those things do you?"
Aisha held up her hands to the grinning mouth of her mask, upset at her mistake. Damn it. Nothing but to finish it. it had already been too long, he'd remember some of this already. And that beeping was getting really fast now. It was sort of annoying. the sooner this was over the better. She'd just finish her apology, tell him they'd start over, and that she'd ruin his life in a much classier way than the lame attempts so far, and he'd pay for his wicked deeds, and then she could leave.
"Well, never mind that! That's all in the past! Not important! the point is, I want to start over. I know I haven't really brought out my best material in making you pay for the shit you've been pulling in Brockton Bay, but trust me! I'm gonna improve! This is my first time, but I'll get better at it! It'll be super classy too! not this amateur shit so far! professional as fuck, man."
Huh. Were Mr. Markos' eyes supposed to be doing that? they looked a bit.. and what was with that damn beeping! It sounded so familiar... like she knew it from somewhere... "Look, Trust me, I'm gonna ruin your life by the books now! I'll even give you a warning first! You're schedule's pretty open now that you're in the hospital right so I can see you whenever I want too..." Aisha remember where she'd heard the beeping before. "Oh fuck! That's a heart thing isn't it! here let me get you some help!" Aisha leaned over to take Mr. Markos' pulse... That was first aid right? You take their pulse first? Her demonic grin filled Mr. Markos' vision and the beeping stopped. Replaced by one long tone. "Fuck. Did you just die? Shit! You just... FUCK! How I am I gonna ruin your life and make a name for myslf now? you inconsiderate prick!"
Aisha kicked the ground, tears in her eyes as she left the hospital room, edging past the nurses and doctors, her control over her power slipping in her anger and distress. "Fuck! How am I gonna be a classy ass super villain now! I bet Regent's laughing at me. Skitter was classy enough she could probably just talk fuckers to death! But I can't even apologize for not doing a good enough job and get started ruining a guy's life before he decides to fucking die on me. How the hell am I gonna get any respect as a Classy ass bitch if I can't even get that much right?
"Shit. I guess I've gotta try Carapacitor next if I wanna get this super-villain shit down." A course decided, Aisha walked out the hospital as if nothing had happened. It didn't matter if that fat fuck Mr. Markos went and died on her before she could really get this down, she'd be a Badass Cultured Super-Villain anyway! She'd make regent proud of her! And No one was going to stop her from doing it!
*End Lesson 1*