Chapter 12:

Feelings and Notes

After hanging up with Castle, Kate took it upon herself to call Lanie. Castle's words kept ringing in her mind as she waited impatiently for her friend to answer.

"This better be good, girl," her best friend's tired voice greeted her. "I just got back from the gym and need to shower….and take a nap."

"Sorry, Lanie. I can call back later…" Kate began, but was interrupted by an exasperated sigh on the other end.

"Look, Kate. I know you called me about something that's on your mind. Something must have happened. What's wrong?"

"It's Castle. He's going to mess this whole undercover operation up. Say what you want, but I can just feel it."

"So what if he does? You're not on the case anymore. He's Kevin and Javier's problem now. You should be happy for once that you're not having to deal with his shenanigans."

"I know, but you should have heard him when I talked to him earlier. He seemed off somehow. Rejected. And I feel like I'm the one who put that tone in his voice there."

"Okay, you lost me. What exactly did he say?"

"He said that Esposito told him I was off the case, and that he was upset because I was supposed to have his back like I always do. I know we're a team. I know he counts on me. I just feel like there's so much more to us than that lately. I mean, I know I care about him, but I guess now I'm starting to second guess just HOW much I care about him."

"Have you told him that? That you care about him, I mean?"

"Not lately. I guess with everything that's been going on, I've been wigging out on him a lot. I hate that. I've never not been able to tell him how I feel about anything before. This shouldn't be any different."

"That may be true," Lanie interjected suddenly, "but then again, you've never tried to talk to him about being more than friends, either."

"Well, he told me what he wants. He wants the real thing with me. A relationship."

"And that scares you," Lanie continued, beginning to see the whole picture, "Why is that?"

"I still don't trust myself enough to let go. I mean, I've been in relationships before. I've loved before."

"This is different though. You and Castle have been through hell and high water together. And you know what? He never abandoned you, even for a second. When you're hurting, so is he. And there's something I know for sure, even if you don't. I've never seen you be happy with anyone else but him. He may irritate you, but in the end, you know you love having him around."

"I told him we'd talk about things when all of this is over, though. I didn't want him to be distracted from doing his job."

"Kate, honey. You're not being there for him right now is probably doing more harm than good. You didn't even talk to him before any of this happened. You just kind of left him in the dark. So he has every right to feel the way he does. All I'm going to tell you is this: you need to write down everything you're feeling, even if you're not completely sure if anything makes sense. I'm coming over in an hour and picking up what you've written to take it to him. He needs this, Kate. You may dispute this all you want, but you're pretty much his entire world. I mean, he loves his family, but I've never seen him away from you longer than two minutes when he's here."

"Fine. I'll try. Like you said, though…. It might not make any sense."

"That's all I ask. See you in an hour."

Castle was a nervous wreck. Even though he had talked to Kate, he still couldn't shake the butterflies that were floating around in his stomach. He was well prepared. With his hair now dyed a lighter shade of brown, and ice blue contacts inserted, Castle could barely recognize himself. He kept walking past mirrors and becoming frazzled because the person staring back at him was himself…but someone different just the same. He hoped that all of this work that had been put in to making him look different was going to pay off.

He paced nervously in his dressing room, his mind busy running through his routine that he was to perform in a few minutes.

Someone knocked on his door then. He thought it was a staff member for the club, so he went and opened the door. He wasn't prepared for who was on the other side.

"Lanie," he said nervously, looking around behind her to make sure she was alone, "what are you doing here?"

She sighed, rolling her eyes. "Honestly, Castle? Is that a way you greet a friend of yours?"

Rick's shoulders sagged, the stress really begging to wear on him. "I'm sorry, it's just….I wasn't expecting you."

Lanie crossed her arms over her chest. "I'm here for Kate. She wanted you to have something since she won't be able to make it today."

Reaching into her purse, she rummaged around inside and produced a small white envelope. She began to hand it to him, but thought better of it.

"Look, I know that there's something going on with you two that you're not telling me. I know you guys kissed…..Kate can't really keep much from me. She didn't blurt it out, but she was shocked about it. That's not to say she didn't like it. She did, very much. I just don't want all of this to blow up in her face and hurt her."

"I know. You've been such a good friend to the both of us. I have no intention of hurting her. I really just want to get this case over and done with so that she and I can see where we stand. She's right to steer clear of me right now. I'm pretty sure that if she were to come anywhere near me right now, there would definitely be some consequences."

Lanie reached out for his hand then, placing the envelope into his palm. "I think you owe it to yourself to read this before you go out there. I don't know what she wrote, but she assured me that she's pretty sure that none of it made any sense."

"Thanks again, Lanie. I really appreciate this."

"I know you do. Break a leg today, okay?"

With that, Lanie turned and left, and Castle was left with his thoughts. He looked at the envelope in his hand, his name written in her familiar scrawl on the front. However, before he could open it, someone else knocked on his door.

"Two minutes, sir!" someone called from the hallway.

Castle's nerves came rushing back with a vengeance, the note suddenly forgotten. He hurriedly rushed about, making sure all pieces of his costume were in place, and left the envelope on his dresser.

I can do this, Castle thought to himself. I have to. I'll do it for Kate.

When the call came for Castle to take the stage, Castle felt more than ready. He had no idea what he was getting himself in to.

A/N: ACK! 4 months with no updates? How in the heck did I let that happen? I'm surprised none of you found out where I live and started an angry mob. I love the support I've been getting though through my hiatus. Writer's block hit me in the face horribly, but I'm back again. Who's excited for September 24? Not too long now….I'm still reeling from the finale. Let me know what you think! REVIEW!