Somehow, the world didn't fall apart after Amy's night Karma. After Amy fucked her senseless and was subsequently left behind, used and abused. So what that her best friend used her for an easy orgasm? Karma knew that Amy was in love with her and she took advantage of that for a quick fuck, but oh well. Amy liked it during the sex, didn't she? She didn't care that Karma hadn't gotten her off. And it proved that was she most definitely Karmasexual. Amy handled faking it. She could handle being a one night stand for Karma. She could probably even suffer through a friends with benefits situation. Sex was sex, wasn't it? And no matter what, her and Karma were best friends. The past school year had proved that their love was unconditional, even if it wasn't fully romantic.
So it wasn't hard for Amy to forgive Karma when she showed up the next morning with a 12 pack of donuts and the first season of Sex and the City on DVD. As the cuddled up for what Karma called the quintessential show for young, sexually aggressive women and ate Amy's favorite food, Amy could pretend that everything was back to good. She could pretend that the scent of Karma's pomegranate shampoo was not driving her insane. She could also pretend that the little moans Karma made when she yawned weren't reminiscent of the loud ones that escaped her beautiful friend when she came. And she definitely could pretend that Karma nuzzling her face into Amy's breasts while sleeping was not making warmth pool in her lower stomach. Amy had gotten good at pretending. When you were Karma's best friend, you didn't have much of a choice.
It wasn't that Karma was selfish. Ok, never mind. It was that. Karma was selfish. Amy knew that. Liam now knew that. And Karma definitely knew that. But in spite of her self-interest, it was impossible for Amy not to love Karma. It wasn't like selfishness and being a good person were mutually exclusive. And wasn't everyone a bit selfish? Yes, Karma had taken advantage of Amy multiple times to get what she wanted. And Karma was in no way above manipulating other people or situations in order to help herself. Karma went after what she wanted, and a lot of the time she hurt people in the progress. It sucked.
But, at the same time, Amy knew it was never on purpose. Karma was loving and compassionate and empathetic and caring and just generally one of the best people Amy had ever met. Hell, despite everything she put Amy through, Amy still considered Karma the best person in the world. She never meant to hurt anyone. She never meant to repeatedly shatter Amy's heart. She didn't actually want to use those who cared about her the most. Karma just wasn't perceptive about those things. And, as Karma had said herself, she was a fucking teenage girl. She made mistakes. So did Amy. They were kids and they were dumb and they were selfish. But at least they had each other, right?
"Karms, we're fine right? Don't you think we should… I don't know, talk about what happened that night?" Amy stroked Karma's hair as she questioned.
Karma stirred slightly and raised her beautiful eyes to meet Amy's, once again stealing the blonde's breath away.
"Do you need to talk about it Amy?" her voice was still heavy with sleep and it was so unbelievably sexy.
"Kind of, yeah. I mean Karma, you know how I feel. You might want to ignore it, but I can't. I feel it all the damn time and us having sex just…"
"Amy," Karma interrupted with a laugh "we didn't have sex! We can't have sex! It doesn't count if there's no penis. I thought everyone knew that!"
Amy didn't know that. Actually, fuck that. She knew that that was bullshit. What happened with Karma was sex. Amy had fucking poured her heart out into making love with the girl. It felt more like sex than whatever Liam had done to her with his dick a few weeks back. It was meaningful. It mattered. Despite the shock at the end, Amy would've given anything for that to have been her first time. It would've been perfect just because it was her and Karma, just the way it was always meant to be.
Amy wasn't the type to be overly romantic or lovey-dovey, but she knew that what she shared with Karma was sex in its purest sense. It wasn't the random mashing of genitals that she had experienced with Liam. It was the ultimate expression of intimacy and love between two people who genuinely cared for one another. Or, in Amy and Karma's case, one person who was in love and one who had to be, but just didn't know it yet. At least, that was what Amy had thought. But every time Karma had opened her mouth recently, she seemed to contradict that.
"Karma, that night was important to me. And it was sex. I know it was."
It wasn't quite what Amy wanted to say. She lacked eloquence and had never been very articulate. There were a million things that she wanted to tell Karma and never could. There was so much her friend would never understand. Amy's heart felt heavy again, just as it had the night of the wedding and the morning that she slept with Karma. Was love supposed to hurt this badly? Was friendship?
"Amy, it was just us trying to deal with physical needs. We are horny teenagers! I needed an outlet for lust and you were there. And you're pretty hot for a girl."
Karma had never been like this before. Karma had never fucking tore her heart out like this before. Amy was starting to lose track of what she had ever even seen in Karma. When had she become so cruel? What was before misguided selfishness was now a complete disregard for Amy's feelings. Karma used to be the only one who even cared about Amy felt. Karma let Amy sleep over for three weeks when her dad skipped town. And then another two when her mother had married for the first time. When there was an awful thunderstorm during geography in sixth grade, it was Karma who followed an almost sobbing Amy to the bathroom and rocked her against her chest until the thunder subsided. And it was Karma who had then come over to the Raudenfeld house for every subsequent summer storm because she knew that they were Amy's ultimate fear. And it was Karma who always remembered to bring Amy Red Vines and Twix the day her period started because she knew how badly cramps fucked up Amy's mood and she also knew that food was the only way to cheer the girl up. She had known Amy better than Amy knew herself. But now it seemed like she didn't know her at all.
"I'm a teenager who is in love with you! I can't separate my love for you and my lust for you. God Karma! I have one physical need. I have one need in general. You. You in every way. Every single part of you. I want to love you physically, mentally, emotionally. I already do Karma! And I thought that if my confession didn't make you realize, that making love to you would! That'd you finally realize it was me that you wanted. That I'm the one who is perfect for you. How can you not see?" The words poured out before she could think them through, but at least they lifted a huge weight off of her chest.
Karma faltered, if only for just a second. For a brief moment, she finally revealed some vulnerability to Amy. It felt like the first glimpse of the girl's real emotions that Amy had gotten in weeks. But it was gone as quickly as it had arrived. Karma steeled herself before speaking.
"I do see Amy. You're trying to manipulate me. You can't fucking make me fall in love with you! You can't magically sweep me off my feet and make me trade in our friendship for some fucked up romance that will probably end in both of us hating each other! I'm trying to do what's best for both of us by keeping emotions out of this. Can't you see that?"
"See what? You using me because you're horny and Liam isn't available? You taking advantage of my feelings for you? You know how much I love you and you hurt me anyways Karma! Do you even care about me platonically anymore? I can't just be another fuck for you. You're the one who is ruining us. I'm already moving toward hating you for the shit you've pulled lately."
It was a low blow. She didn't mean it. She couldn't mean it. Amy would never be capable of hating Karma. But in this moment, she knew she definitely wanted to hurt her.
"Amy, I love you. I've always loved you. You know that. And I'm just confused and trying to figure everything out and I am so lost. I should've never…" Karma choked back a sob.
"You're right. You should've never slept with me. You should've never made me fake it with you. You should've never even became my friend. You're toxic Karma. Right now, I don't even know what I ever saw in you. You don't love me. You love yourself. You love attention. You love the way that I Ioved you. But you could never fucking love me. And now I'm wondering how I ever loved you…"
"Amy…" Karma was hyperventilating. "Amy please don't. Please stop. We'll fix this. I'll never hurt you again. I fucked up and I'll spend the rest of my time atoning for that. I'll do whatever it takes to be deserving of your friendship. I'll stop using you. But just people don't…"
"I hate you. I hate you. I hate you." Amy didn't even recognize the words coming from her mouth.
Karma looked broken. Her face showed every painful emotion that Amy had felt for the past few weeks. And as she watched Karma leave, utterly shattered and sobbing, for a second it felt good to hurt her friend the way that Karma had hurt her. The revenge was petty, but it was satisfying. She derived some sick form of pleasure in the pain that she had caused Karma. Amy even caught herself thinking that the bitch deserved it.
But the feeling faded quicky. And that one moment of happiness didn't justify the weeks of misery that Amy's actions propelled herself into headfirst. Once again, after experiencing betrayal at the hands of her closest friend, Amy had acted out in a way that was so much worse. Somehow it was always her that irrevocably fucked up their friendship. She was awful. This was all her fault. She had fucking let this happen. She had told the most important person in her world that she hated her. She had made Karma believe it. Amy had hurt Karma more deeply than anyone else had in the world. Nothing Karma had done to her would ever justify that. Karma could kill a thousand puppies and outlaw donuts and cancel House Hunters and Amy would still not want to hurt her. And yet, she did
Karma wasn't the bitch, Amy realized. She was.
AN: So, more angst and no smut. I think I am a bad person. And I am for some reason reflecting that in Amy and Karma right now. I do hope that none of you abandon this. Normally I hate angst and yet here I am writing it. Or at least trying to write it. Please bear with me here. Fluff is going to happen. I love Karmy. I want them to be happy. And I know that they love each other. We'll get there on the show and in this fic. But, there will be bumps. Also, sorry about what Karma said about lesbian sex. Obviously, I don't share the sentiment but I can see Karma being really ignorant and just saying dumb stuff like that without realizing the implications.
Once again please message me at spoonster-hastings on tumblr with any feedback or ideas! If you hate the angst, come yell at me (politely)! And help me think of a path because when I just start writing, I end up here haha. I hope you guys enjoyed this at least on some level and thanks again for being supportive and reading. I love you all so much.