Where was Chapter 2, you ask? It fell in a hole and died. It's a pretty deep hole, too. We still haven't been able to get the body out.

As an aside, constantly switching between US English, UK English, and Canadian English is a pain in the ass.

4: Instigating Saren, Part One
Kevin

"You should all come up to the cockpit," Shepard suggests, standing up. "We'll get an excellent view of the Citadel when we arrive."

"Isn't it like, top secret up there?" Aleks asks.

Shepard shrugs. "Eh, it's fine. You've probably already taken pictures of the entire ship and sold them to a third party anyway."

Following her to the stairs, I ask, "Wouldn't that be a reason to detain us further?"

"Probably." We're halfway up now, and Shepard waves her hand in front of the door, which opens.

If the crew deck was a surprise because it was so different, the CIC is a surprise because it's so the same. There's the door to the comm room with the weird guy in front of it, the fancy holographic galaxy map, the tunnel of fire control stations, and the cockpit way at the front.

We form a line and walk through. Several crewmembers salute Shepard as she passes, and she dismissively sloppy-salutes them back.

"We should be dropping out now, Commander." Ah, Seth Green as Joker. Whoever says there's no physical resemblance has obviously never seen a comparison. But the Mass Effect movie is stuck in development hell anyway.

"So, uh, how are we gonna see anything, since there's no windows?" Aleks asks.

Shepard says nothing, but grabs what looks like a remote off one of the consoles, points it at the front of the ship, and presses a button. A projection screen rolls down in front of Joker, and a projector lights up somewhere behind us. It displays the Dell logo for a few seconds before it selects the right input and completes auto-adjustment.

"Dropping out now!" Joker informs us. I feel a slight lurch as we drop out.

The screen is playing... the cutscene from the game. So, that's the Normandy, that's us, and that's the Citadel. What the hell? And there's that epic music, too. I mean, I like the music, but it seems odd to me that there's actual background music playing.

Reusing the cutscene straight up is pretty lazy. You could at least change the viewpoint and rerender the cutscene. I mean, it still has that stuff I couldn't tell if it was film grain or compression artifacts all over it.

"Huh," Shepard remarks. She fiddles with the remote a bit, changes the input to DisplayPort 1 and then the video changes to a feed that's presumably coming from the front of the ship. All right then. That's better. But no more epic music.

"Look at the size of that ship!" Ash remarks, pointing at the unwieldly looking thing.

I must say, the Destiny Ascension is more impressive from here. It looks less like it was designed by mentally challenged retards and more like it was designed by showmen... showwomen... showasari.

"That's the Destiny Ascension, is it not?" Aleks asks semi-rheotorically.

"Yeah. The flagship of the Citadel fleet," Kaidan replies. "Not to be confused with the Destiny or the Ascension."

He points to two other ships, one that looks like a pizza wedge that was thrown into someone's backpack at some point and the other that looked like it was built by the UNSC.

"Well, size isn't everything," Joker comments.

"Why so touchy, Joker?" Ash teases.

"I'm just saying, you need firepower, too!"

"Look at that monster! Its main gun could rip through the barriers on any ship in the Alliance fleet!"

Speaking of which, where is the main gun on the Destiny Ascension? Lots of people think it's the centre hole, but that makes no sense because it's far too large and far too short. My theory is that it's in the longer of the four arms, but it's still a retard design.

"Good thing it's on our side, then," Kaidan replies to Ash's comment.

"Yesterday's enemies are today's recruits," Jason mutters.

"No kidding, huh." That was Ash again.

"Citadel Control, this is SSV Normandy," Joker begins, presumably no longer talking to us. Wait, isn't he the pilot? Why is he playing the role of comm officer? "Requesting permission to land."

Something completely alien and unintelligible comes out of the speaker.

"Roger, Alliance tower. Normandy out."

"Aw, shit!" the younger Shepard remarks. Her voice sounds familiar. It sounds kind of like Shepard, but different. More edgy. More gritty. Yet in a way, softer at the same time.

"Hey, who's got a voice that's edgier and grittier than Jennifer Hale?" I ask.

"Liam Neeson?" Jason suggests.

"Well, duh," I reply. "No, I meant, broadly similar, and, you know, female, but edgier and grittier and softer."

"Grittier and softer?" Aleks asked.

I shrug. "Kind of."

Sandra objects, "Guys, I don't think we should be trying to find voice actors for people," but we just ignore her.

Aleks ponders it for a moment. "Laura Bailey."

That sounds right. "Yes! Thank you! Mini-Shepard is voiced by Laura Bailey."

"I have a name, you know," mini-Shepard interrupts.

Jason ignores her. "You sure? I'm not hearing the Boss here."

I argue, "She's got a lot of range, though. She did Julie Farkas and Carrie Boyd in New Vegas."

Aleks asks as a quiet aside, "Laura Bailey is in New Vegas?"

"And Lady Comstock in Bioshock Infinite," I point out.

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Hey, listen!" Dear god mini-Shepard, please don't say that ever! "You can't meet the Council dressed like that. We've got to get you some nicer clothes."

"Just do what my sister says," Shepard orders, lightly but frighteningly. "I've got to go get changed too."

"So who wants to go first?" Mini-Shepard asks.

Jason immediately remarks, "First? Is this some kind of fucking fashion bullshit?"

Aleksandr

I held up the offered uniform against my current beige trousers and button-up shirt, viewing my own reflection in the wall-mounted mirror. "These are not nicer. This is an Alliance uniform with the patches ripped off."

Melia replied, "Sorry. That's all I could find. It's a pretty small ship."

"It's not even a dress uniform," I pointed out. "It's like, a tee shirt and cargo pants, kind of a charcoal grey colour. I don't see how this is terribly different from what I'm wearing."

"It doesn't look a hundred years out of date. Just put it on."

"Fine. But as soon as we're done your Alliance business, I'm changing back into my old clothes." And buying some new ones. "Now turn around."

"Why?" Melia teased. "I like women, remember?"

"That was Jason, not me!" I retorted. Seriously, why I am getting the blame for that? "Besides, maybe you like both. Just turn around already."

"Fine." She turned around to face the door. I still

I figured I might as well get some information out of her while we were there. I opened with a simple proposition, "I didn't know Shepard had a sister."

"How could you not know that?" she... well, not quite shrieked, but she sounded a touch shocked and annoyed. "Miss Elysium 81? Miss Navy 82?"

"I don't really follow that sort of thing."

"Ah." That sounded a little too understanding-

"No, I'm not queer!" I objected. "I'm just not overly interested in models and that sort of thing. No offence intended."

"I never suggested you were homosexual."

I attempted to change the subject, "So, how old are you?"

"Why do you aks?" Actually, that was a good question. I realized immediately after I said it how bad it sounded.

I replied defensively, "It's necessary exposition."

"Nineteen."

"Is that legal here?" Oh bloody hell, I've dug myself even deeper. "I mean, like, can you join the military and be a- what rank are you?"

"Yes, seventeen is generally legal age for humans, and I'm a Lieutenant."

"A Lieutenant in two years?" I asked. I don't know much about the military. "Is that possible?"

"With great difficulty," Melia replied.

"And Miss Navy?"

"And Miss Navy."

"That's still a thing?"

"That's still a thing."

"I can see how you managed that," I replied. I didn't get an answer.

"Are you done yet?" she asked, annoyed. Did I step over a line?

I turned around and replied, "Actually, I've been done for quite some time now. I was just rather enjoying this expository dialogue."

Jason

"Look, I don't give a shit about your exposition time," I growl. "Give my the fucking clothes and I'll put them on."

"Don't you at least want to hear about me?" Mini Shepard asks, passing me a stack of clothes anyway.

"Not really."

She ignored me. "My name is Melia Shepard-"

Melia. I knew a Melia once. She was fearless, charged in head first. Never stood a chance when the-

"Shut up! Shut the fuck up!" I shout, realizing a second later that I had done it out loud.

Mini Shepard raises her hands, shocked and defensive. "Alright, I'm sorry. I don't know what I did, but I'm sorry."

"Not you," I tell her. "The voices. People I left behind in Iraq and Afghanistan."

"Wow, you should seek help."

I laugh. "Help? There's no fucking help. If you're lucky, they'll give you some pills- the wrong pills. Fucking system's a joke."

"You could talk to me," Melia offers gently.

I think she likes you.

I ignore the voice and brush her off. "What, you the ship's fucking councilor too?"

"Not officially."

"Alright Deanna Troi, what do you want to hear?"

She raises a confused eyebrow at the reference.

You're not going to talk to her, are you.

Taking advantage of the momentary pause, I reply, "You know what, fuck it. I never said I would answer."

You're going to have to answer eventually.

Kevin

"Oh, that felt so good."

Melia stands up, wiping her mouth. "Well, that was fast."

"I am fast," I reply, zipping up my pants and putting my belt back on.

"We should do this again sometime."

Sandra

"So, how do I look?" I ask, stepping out from behind the privacy screen.

"You look stunning," Melia replies, motioning to the mirror.

I take a look and gasp. The dress is a beautiful silky black. It hugs my curves perfectly. The dress is strapless and cut to expose just a tease of my breasts, with more of my back exposed. As I move, it moves with me, the fabric shimmering slightly as it stretched.

"Gloves." She hands me a pair of matching gloves, which I pull on. These are made of the same material and come up just past my elbows. They stretch effortlessly, and they're so thin it's like I'm not even wearing them.

"Now try the shoes." Melia passes me a pair of six-inch stilettos. They're also black, to match the dress, but made of a synthetic leather. It's not like the synthetics we had before- I wouldn't be able to tell it's fake at all if Melia hadn't told me. I quickly pull them on.

"Let's show the crew."

"Sounds good." I can't wait to see the look on those boys' faces when they see me like this.

Melia opens the door and holds it open for me. I take two wobbly steps in the heels, trip over the hem of my dress, and do a faceplant into the steel deck. "Ow."

I can feel the shoes being pulled off my feet. "You know what, on second thought, I don't think the dress is a good idea. Let me get you something more practical."

I roll over so my face isn't against the cold metal"That would be great, thanks."

Jason

"Sandra's still in there," Kevin says, pointing out the obvious.

"Eh, she's a girl. It takes them a long time to get changed. Got to pretty themselves up and fucking shit like that."

Aleks glares at me. "You know, I'm not sure if you could be more misogynistic if you tried."

That was incredibly offensive.

"Hey Kevin, what happened in there?" Him and Mini Shepard were in there a while, and I heard some funny noises. Like, jack shack noises.

"I got changed," he replies, as if stating the obvious.

"Is that what you call it?"

"I'm not sure what you're referring to."

"Come on, man, did you fuck?"

"I didn't do anything like that. We didn't even kiss." Kevin protests shiftily. "I don't even know her."

Something happened in there. But I don't think it's what you're thinking.

We couldn't take anymore, because the door to Mini Shepard's quarters opened and Sandra stepped out.

"How do I look?" she asked, embarrassed. At least, I think that's embarrassment.

"When Melia said she was going to dress you up nice, I thought she meant like a dress or a pantsuit or something," Aleks comments. "Not combat armor."

"Shut up."

"When the bullets start flying, I'm gonna use you as a shield, eh," Aleks jokes. "Maybe I can rest my gun on your shoulder, kind of fire over you and use you as a stand at the same time."

Sandra folds her armored arms. "That's not funny. Don't joke about that."

Aleks tries to make light of the situation. "At least there's no helmet-"

"Actually, it folds out if you press this button," Mini Shepard helpfully informs, pressing a button on Sandra's arm. A helmet unfolds over her head, and she presses the button again, glaring at Mini Shepard.

"I don't want to get into a fight. Not even with this on." She pauses. "I know, I know, it's inviting it now."

"Oh, it's not so bad," I reassure her. "Just moments of stark terror followed by long periods of intense boredom. Oh, and occasionally your buddy dies horribly and it keeps you awake at night."

"You know, Shepard's already halfway to the Council chambers," Joker points out over the intercom, interrupting us.

"Oh, fuck!" I shout, bolting for the airlock. The rest of the group isn't far behind me.

La Citadelle

"This is not the galactic capital. This is an old fort with inscriptions in a dead language."

The cameraman looked around. All he could see was old buildings, tourists, unreadable signs, and an old cannon. "Yeah, I think you're right."

His crew immediately began complaining.

"God damn it! The director's going to be so pissed off."

"Tell me about it."

"I sure as hell hope he doesn't fire us. I'm already on probation."

The cameraman motioned to the riggers. "All right, pack it all up. Wrong address. We're headed back to Hollywood."

The Citadel

"I read the Eden Prime report. I was unimpressed. It was full of spelling and grammatical errors, and you forgot to double-space. But what can you expect from a human?"

"Hey, fuck you, turian doesn't even have punctuation!" Jason shouted, running up behind Shepard. Kevin and Aleks were right behind him. Sandra was nowhere to be found.

"I don't know him," Shepard said, motioning to the Marine. It was only sort of a lie. She turned back to the Council. "Saren despises humanity. That's why he attacked Eden Prime!"

"Your species needs to learn its place, Shepard," Saren retorted. "You're not ready to join the Council. You're not even ready to join the Spectres."

Behind Shepard, the three new arrivals struggled not to laugh.

"He has no right to say that!" Udina protested. "That's not his decision!"

The Asari Councillor turned to Saren. Diplomatically and professionally, she pointed out. "Shepard's admission to the Spectres is not the purpose of this meeting."

"This meeting has no purpose," Saren argued. "The humans are wasting your time, Councillor. And mine."

"Hanging clause," Aleks pointed out.

"What?" Saren asked.

"You used a hanging clause. Grammatical incorrectness and all that."

"I don't think that's what it's called," Kevin pointed out.

"He's a bloody turian!" Aleks jabbed back. "How in the name of God is he going to know that?"

"Who are these people?" Saren asked.

"These are stowaways we found aboard the Normandy," Anderson expositioned. "We believe they came aboard on Eden Prime, but we haven't had time to question them yet."

"How did you get up here, past security?" Udina asked angrily.

Kevin scratched his neck. "That's actually a very good question."

"You can't hide behind the Council forever," Shepard retorted, redirecting everyone's attention to Saren. He did not reply.

"There is one more outstanding issue," Anderson added. "Commander Shepard's vision. It may have been triggered by the vision."

"Are we allowing dreams as evidence now?" Saren asked. "I am absolutely serious. If that is now acceptable, it would be very helpful to me."

"Our judgement must be based on facts and evidence," the Turian Councillor said. "Not wild imaginings and reckless speculation."

"Do you have anything else to add, Commander?" the Salarian Councillor concluded.

"You've made your decision. I won't waste my breath."

The Turian and Asari Councillors shared a look and nodded. The asari said, "The Council has found no evidence of involvement between Saren and the Geth-"

"What a load of fucking bullshit!" Jason shouted, interrupting her.

She glared at him and continued. "Ambassador, your petition to have him disbarred from the Spectres is denied."

"I'm glad to see justice was served," Saren said menacingly before his hologram fizzled away.

"This meeting is adjourned," the Asari Councillor finished, and the gathering of humans turned and walked away toward the staircase, dejected. Udina stayed and queued up sad music on his omni-tool.

Sandra

I can hear that the hearing is over. Everyone else should be coming down the staircase now. Shepard is first, and she stops when she sees me. Kevin, who is right behind her, nearly bowls into her.

"Sandra?" she asks, looking straight at me. Those eyes... boring into me!

I turn away and ask meekly, "Is it safe to come out now?"

"Sandra, what the hell?" Kevin asks. "You were here the whole time?"

"Can we please get this moving?" I beg, standing up. I was going to follow them, but seeing Saren and the Council... it was so intimidating! I didn't think I could face them, so I just sat down here and waited.

"Fine," Shepard replies. I follow her down the staircase, and we form a gaggle at the bottom.

"-to exterminate the entire human race!" Anderson finishes, apparently talking to nobody.

"We were up there," Shepard told him, pointing. "I know. Saren's evil. You talk about it all the time. What's our next step?"

"As a Spectre, he's virtually untouchable," Udina explained redundantly explained. "We need to find some way to expose him."

"What about Garrus?" I suggest. Garrus is my favorite character. He's just so adorable and awesome.

"Who?" Udina asks.

"The C-Sec investigator," Kaidan explains. "We saw him arguing with the executor."

"Hey, wait, Sandra wasn't there," Kevin points out. Aleks hits him in the shoulder.

"What the hell was that for?" Kevin asks, glaring at Aleks.

"That's right. He was asking for more time to finish his report," Ash adds. "Seems like he was close to finding something on Saren."

"Any idea where we could find him?" Shepard asks. Oh boy, more dialog ripped straight from the game!

"I have a contact in C-Sec who could help us track Garrus down," Udina adds helpfully. Helpful Udina... if only he kept doing that instead of being an idiot and a jerk ninety percent of the time. Oh, and a traitor. "His name is Harkin."

"Forget it," Anderson dismisses. "They suspended Harkin last month. Drinking on the job. I won't waste my time with him."

"You won't have to. Shepard will handle this." Poor Anderson kind of gets a raw deal. First he loses his ship, then he becomes councilor... then he loses councilor, then he dies. "I don't want the Council using your past history against us."

"Yeah, I'm not gonna waste my time on him either," Shepard concurs. "Maybe there's another way to find evidence against Saren."

"Barla Von!" I blurt out without thinking.

"Barla Von what?" Aleks asks.

"Barla von Volus. He's an information broker," Anderson explains. "You should talk to him over in the financial district. Rumor has it he's an agent for the Shadow Broker. One of the top representatives, even. Expensive, though. Even more expensive than Sha'ira."

"I should go," Shepard says, concluding the conversation. Oh, if only she knew how many memes and jokes that would spawn.

"I'll be in the Ambassador's office if you need me," Anderson replies. "Good luck, Shepard."

Shepard turns to us. "So, we have two seemingly viable leads. Harkin and Barla von Volus."

"I thought you said you weren't going to waste your time on Harkin?" I ask.

"You're right," Shepard replies, a hint of an evil grin on your face. "That's exactly what I said. You, on the other hand-"

"Oh, hell no."

"Look, I don't know who the hell you are," Shepard says seriously. "I don't know if you're crazy or if you're telling the truth. I don't know what you're capable of. I don't know how much you know, or if it's going to be useful. Basically, I need you to prove yourselves."

"This is not a self-insert cliche at all," Aleks remarks snidely.

"So here's how we're going to do it. You four are going to go investigate Harkin. I'm going to go ask Barla von Volus for information and pay for it with Udina's expense account. After you get some evidence, we can talk."

Before we could object to her stupid crazy plan, she grabbed Ash and Kaidan and made a beeline for the elevator.