I feel I must mention this because some are overly sensitive to the various potentially offensive jokes that are in this story. I have nothing against the LGBT community or homosexuality in general. Jason may come across as homophobic because he's a Marine and he talks like one. Watch Generation Kill or read some Terminal Lance- military personnel, especially enlisted and especially infantry, talk in a way that most of us find very offensive. Kevin, on the other hand, takes issue with the semantics of the word homophobic, not with homosexuality.
This applies to other groups as well. There will be racist jokes, nerd jokes, jock jokes, Russian jokes, America jokes, anti-corporation jokes, EA=evil jokes, and celebrity jokes. If there's a joke at your expense, chances are I have nothing against you. The characters don't always know they're in a story and they're not going to behave nicely because they think someone is watching. This isn't a very politically correct story and it definitely uses a lot of offensive and exploitative jokes. If you don't like that, either get used to it, find something else to read, or grab a black permanent marker and go over all the parts you don't like.
tl;dr, calm your shit, I don't actually hate you
5: Instigating Saren 2: Electric Boogaloo
Aleks
"So... what do we do now?" Sandra asked, voicing the question that was on each one of our minds.
"Well, isn't it obvious? We go find Harkin, find Garrus, save Tali, and indict Saren," I replied.
"That's not a plan, that's a goal!" Kevin objected.
"Seems like a plan to me," Sandra said, shrugging.
"Yeah, that was a plan, a horrible plan, but still a plan," Jason agreed.
"That was definitely a plan," I said. It has steps, it sort of has methods even.
Kevin crosses his arms and grudgingly agrees, "Fine. Nobody ever agrees with me."
"So, we find Harkin?" I ask. I know who Harkin is but I don't know what he did. "Where can we find Harkin?"
Sandra replied, "Chora's Den."
"Chora's Den?" I asked. That sounded familiar, but I've apparently never played the first game so I shouldn't know what that means.
"A gentleman's club on the wards," Sandra recited. Really, it sounded very much like she was reading it out of a book or something. Which is strangely poetic, in a way.
"Gentleman's club?" Kevin asked. "Are we going to have to dress nicely? Because I hate dressing up."
"No. It's just another word for a whorehouse," Jason explained. Ah, bluntness.
Sandra shook her head. "Actually, it's barely a strip club. I don't think the dancers even take off their clothes. What was the line?"
"I'm a dancer, not a hooker," Kevin finished.
"We... really didn't want to know that," I replied. I shook my head to remove the thoughts of a slovenly nerd attempting to dance on a pole.
"No, it's the line!"
"Sure, whatever," Jason dismissed. "Fag."
"Here with the homophobia again," Sandra said disapprovingly.
"Why do people call it homophobia?" Kevin objected. "I know I've said this before, but it makes no sense! We use the word homophobia to describe discrimination or hatred, but the word itself literally means fear of homosexuality. We don't call anti-Semitism jewophobia!"
"I call it jew hating sometimes," Jason said, shrugging.
"Maybe they hate homosexuals because they're afraid of them," Sandra suggested.
Kevin retorted loudly, "Possibly, but not necessarily! A person might hate homosexuals because of fear or they might hate them for other reasons. Don't you think that linguistic assignment of causation is more than a little presumptuous?"
I sighed. "You know, as enlightening as this discussion is, we should really get going before Shepard solves the case without us."
Sandra smirked. "Follow me. I know the way."
Sandra
"We're lost," Aleks says.
I reply quickly, "We're not lost."
Kevin agrees with Aleks. "I think we're lost."
I look around. Corridors finished in that whitish-gray material, a few shops with signs I can't read, some doors to various places. There's a roof over our heads, but I can see the sky (if you can call it that) up ahead.
It's not busy, not compared to a big city. There are a few aliens walking by, and a lone keeper in a hole in the floor. A few humans are talking in a corner. It's actually pretty quiet.
"Guys, I know now may not be the best time, but I've got to, you know, go," Kevin interrupts.
"So piss in the corner," Jason suggests.
The mere thought of it is disgusting. "Eww, Jason, that's gross."
He shrugs in response. "As we say in the core, the world is your toilet."
"You can go when we get to Chora's Den," Jason suggests, more seriously.
"Speaking of which, we're still lost," Aleks reminds me. "Perhaps you should ask somebody."
"Alright, fine!" I huff. I grab the nearest person, who turns out to be a very shocked asari. "Are we lost?"
"I meant ask for directions," Aleks clarifies loudly.
A little embarrassed, I let go of the asari and ask her, "How do we get to Chora's Den from here?"
She steps away from me and says angrily, "Check your omni-tool, you crazy bitch!"
"None of us actually have omni-tools," Kevin points out.
Oh yeah. "Right. So much for that idea."
"Wait, if we don't have any future tech how can we understand that asari?" Aleks asks.
The asari turns and shouts, "Actually, I'm speaking English, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!"
Then I remember something. "Hey! Maybe we can ask Avina!"
"Avina?" Aleks asks.
"Kinda like Cortana," Kevin explains. Not how I would put it, but I kind of see it. "Not the one from the games, the one that comes with Windows Phone."
Oh, okay, that makes more sense. Aleks looks noticeably disappointed.
"I think I see a terminal over there." I point to the glowing purple and immediately begin running. I almost bowl over a salarian and hastily apologize as I push past.
"I don't think that's Avina," Jason points out from behind me, catching up to me. Hey, I can dash pretty fast when suitably motivated.
"Oh. It's a hanar," I note, disappointed. As I speak, the hanar moves out of the way, revealing an Avina terminal behind. "Never mind."
Before I can ask anything, Jason begins flirting with the terminal. "Hey Avina, honey, you wanna come to my place for some fun?"
"I'm sorry UNIDENTIFIED USER, I cannot do that," the VI replies in a flat tone.
"Damn it," Jason replies, feigning disappointment. "Well, how can we get to Chora's Den from here?"
"The venue known as Chora's Den is located in section 31-A on Tayseri Ward. You are currently in section 22-G of Kithoi Ward. Would you like me to summon a free shuttle?"
"Yes, thank you," Aleks replies.
"Please stand by. A shuttle will arrive within an hour," Avina replies.
"All right, that's it, do your logout routine," Aleks orders the VI.
She quickly obliges. "Logging you out. Thank you for using Avina, and have a nice day."
As soon as Avina disappears, Aleks yells, "An hour? You've got to be kidding me!"
"Relax," I reassure him. "We're not in any hurry."
"Actually, we are," Jason points out.
Aleks agrees. "Yeah, we're kind of racing Shepard here."
"Where's Kevin?" I ask, suddenly noticing his absence.
I turn and see him walking toward us. He waves. "Right here. Sorry about that."
"Where were you?"
"I, uh, found a bathroom," Kevin explains to us. "At least, I think it was a bathroom. They didn't seem to like me using it very much, so maybe it wasn't a bathroom. In retrospect, it probably wasn't a bathroom."
"Okay then." I'm trying to forget what he just said. Because that's just nasty.
"Hey, what's that?" I ask, pointing to a dot in the sky. It quickly gets bigger.
Kevin squints at it. "Looks like a shuttle."
I share a look with Aleks. "Our shuttle?"
"Well, she did say within an hour," Aleks replies. It lands in front of us and the door opens. "Guess the place is running ahead of schedule."
Kevin
One after another, we step out of the shuttle. We form a line, Sandra, Aleks, me, and Jason, and march in unison toward Chora's Den.
"Hey, couldn't we just go straight to the medical clinic and not bother with Chora's Den at all?" Aleks asks.
I stop, and the line falls apart into a gaggle. Huh... I didn't think of that. Why bother talking to Harkin when we know exactly where Garrus is?
But why stop there? We don't even have to meet Garrus. "For that matter, couldn't we skip straight to the alley? Wait for Tali?"
Jason nods his head in response. "That's actually not a bad idea. But screw it, I want to check out the club scene here."
"You're serious?" Sandra asks as Kevin resumes his pace toward the bar and the rest of us rush to keep up.
"Yeah, I'm serious," Jason replies. He waves his hand over the door control panel, and it snaps open.
"Six million miles away from where humans came from and something something men drooling over women something something bars," I misquote. "Not sure if funny, or just sad."
It looks just like the game. In the centre of the room is a circular bar, with, ahem, exotic dancers on poles above it. Arranged around the perimeter of the club are low two- and three-person tables, some recessed into semi-private alcoves. Visible near the rear is a door to the back office where Fist is. Of course, the whole place is finished in the same panelling with bright neon accents as everything else in the future.
"Don't do that ever again," Aleks chides me. "Seriously, you cannot deliver that line. At all."
"Hey there, sweetheart, looking for some fun?" A voice calls. I turn and see that asshole Harkin leering at Sandra. "Cause I gotta say, that soldier getup looks real good on that bod of yours."
Sandra scowls and starts to move, but Aleks holds up his hand and motions her back. He steps forward toward Harkin.
"Harkin, right?" Aleks asks, even though we all know who this guy is.
"That's right. Who the hell are you?"
"My name is Aleks. I'm looking for Garrus Vakarian," Aleks replies smoothly. "I was told you would know where to find him."
"What's he to you?" Harkin asks.
"He's an old friend," Aleks explains vaguely.
Harkin raises an eyebrow. "Oh, really? Funny, he never mentioned any young humans named Aleks."
"It may have something to do with that bottle you're at the bottom of," Aleks snaps, but quickly backtracks. "I'm sorry, that was uncalled for."
Before Harkin can reply, Aleks continues. "Look, it was something that we agreed would stay a personal matter. I wouldn't even be asking if it weren't for the extreme circumstances I have found myself in."
"Extreme circumstances? I wouldn't consider missing my clandestine partner for a week extreme circumstances."
"You have a sick mind," I mutter. Although, to be fair, with that wording Aleks was kind of asking for it.
"You know what, to hell with this," Aleks says, gesturing with his arm. "I just need to find Garrus, and there's a few bottles of Romulan ale in it for you if you can tell me where he is."
"Alright, I can do that," Harkin agrees after a moment of hesitation. "Garrus was sniffing around Doctor Michelle's office. She runs a medical clinic on the other side of this small section of the wards. Now, where's my Romulan ale?"
"Romulan ale's from Star Trek, you dense drunkard," Aleks explains cheerfully. "This is Mass Effect. Therefore, I owe you absolutely nothing. Good day to you, sir."
He turns abruptly and strides toward the exit. We form up behind him and follow him out, completely failing to contain our laughter.
As we leave, I hear quietly, "Two Romulan ale. On the rocks."
Then: "Two Romulan ale on ice, coming right up."
Jason
I'm in front when we step into the clinic. Sandra's on my right, Kevin on my left and Aleks is on my six. The room looks and smells medical. It's divided in two by a partial wall with a large opening. On our side there's nothing but a few crates. On the other side is more crates, a few beds, a medi-gel dispenser, and the thugs with Michelle as a hostage. A turian is sneaking around the edge of the half-wall. That's Garrus Vakarian.
"I didn't tell anyone, I swear!" Michelle protests to the thug standing in front of her. I count one of his buddies right beside him and one behind a curtain, with maybe another one or two hidden.
"That's smart of you, doctor," the thug warns. "Now if Garrus comes around, you stay smart."
Aleks looks like he's about to do something, so I motion him down and signal to the crates to our left. Our group starts moving, but we're not fast enough.
"Keep your mouth shut or- who are you?" Before we can do anything, the thug whips around, arm around Michelle and gun pointed at us.
"Get down!" I order instinctively, diving for the relative safety of the half wall. Now I'm within striking distance of the thug. But he's got a gun-
Boom. There's a gunshot, not like an AK or an M4 or a nine mil or anything familiar but definitely a gunshot, and I can't see it but I know his head just exploded. That was Garrus.
Michelle screams, and I reach over the barrier and pull her over. She lands in a crumpled heap beside me. Good enough.
"Stay down," I tell her, and peek over the edge. The thugs back away, and Garrus shoots each one several times center mass with brutal efficiency. Three down in thirty seconds.
"Well, that's not exactly how I remember it," Kevin comments from behind me. I don't reply, just stand up. Beside me, Michelle stands up and runs toward Garrus. Alright, if turians are your thing, I'm fine with that. It's kinda pervy, but hey, maybe it works. I'm not from a freaky future.
"Are you Garrus Vakarian?" Aleks calls. I can tell he's shaken, though he's doing his best to hide it. Doing pretty good for a high school kid, and a Brit at that.
I'm joking, of course. About the Brit part anyway. Squaddies are great.
Garrus replies in complete and utter gibberish. Some of it sounds like a language, some of it is clicking and coughing and shit like that.
"What the fuck did you just say?" I ask.
He repeats what sounds like the same shit.
"Uh, we don't have translators," Sandra explains.
"Garrus said that your timing was bad and that you could have been killed. You should not interfere in police business." Michelle's English is accented- French?- but I can actually understand it.
Garrus made more of that horrid not a language shit and Michel translated, "He also says that off the record, your timing was perfect and allowed him an opportunity."
"So, what happened?" I ask.
"It's between myself, Garrus, and the proper authorities," Michelle immediately dismisses.
"We're investigating Saren," Aleks explains. Garrus seems to perk up a bit at that, but it's not like I know how to read fucking turian facial expressions. "Pursuing a lead for Commander Shepard. We think he was involved in the attack on Eden Prime."
Garrus makes a noise. Is that turian laughing or is he getting pissed off?
"He doesn't believe you," Michelle explains. Then, after a pause, she adds, "Neither do I."
"Can you at least tell us who those people were?" Aleks asks.
Garrus shakes his head. I guess that's pretty universal.
"It's not like it matters, really," Aleks points out. "Clearly the people who were not supposed to know about this already know, or there wouldn't be dead bodies on the floor. So I don't think it really matters whether you tell us or not."
Before Aleks is even finished his speech, Garrus says something to Michelle... if you can call that shit speech. She nods and explains, "Those men worked for Fist. They wanted to shut me up, keep me from telling Garrus about the quarian."
"Quarian?" Aleks asks. "Who is this quarian?"
"It's Tali," Kevin says.
"I highly doubt that," Aleks replies skeptically.
"No, it is, it's Tali," Sandra confirms.
Garrus says something to Michelle, almost excitedly. "He would like to talk to Shepard about it."
"Fine with us," Aleks replies. "I'm sure she'll be happy to have you on the team."
Michelle says, "I think he was hoping you could contact Shepard for him."
Aleks waves dismissively. "Don't have an omni-tool. Even if I did, I don't have her number. Sorry, you're going to have to do it yourself. But thank you for the information."
Garrus made some more shit speech, and Michelle translated again, "He also says not to do anything stupid."
"Don't plan on it," I reply, leading my group out of the clinic.
"Please don't tell me we're actually going to try to get Fist," Kevin protests immediately after the door shuts.
"That's what I was thinking," I reply.
Aleks agrees with Kevin. "Are you daft?"
"This is crazy," Sandra says.
"Actually, we have an important advantage," I point out. "They aren't expecting us. We're not military investigators. We're just a bunch of lost civvies."
"We also have a lot of important disadvantages," Aleks retorts. "Such as, except for Sandra, not having any armor, none of us having any sort of weapons-"
"Actually, I've got a knife," Kevin interrupts. "Granted, it's a very small and useless knife meant for opening boxes, but technically it can be used as a weapon."
"I was carrying when we got here and I never stopped," I point out.
Aleks waves his arm. "I have a biro, which I suppose that I could stab someone with if I absolutely had to. Shepard's squad has, like, a bunch of guns, and they know how to use them."
What the hell is a biro? Is that some kind of Brit knife? Maybe a fancy word for letter opener?
"We don't have to fight," Kevin points out.
"Finally someone gets it," I reply. "We can just knock on the door and demand to see the manager. For some bullshit, I dunno, outstanding tabs or something like that."
"This is if there are even mercs there expecting company," Kevin adds. "They're probably not even there. Remember, Fist wanted to intercept Shepard."
"See?" I say. "The plan doesn't even involve shooting. So who's with me?"
"I am," Aleks says, "Reluctantly."
"Hey, I came up with the plan," Kevin agrees.
"I suppose I'll go with it," Sandra agrees.
"Great. Let's do this." We're just outside Chora's Den now, so I wave my hand over the control thing. The door slides open and we step inside.
I hear a gunshot and immediate impact on the wall behind me. Right away I dive for the relative safety of the entryway barrier. What the fuck it's for I don't know but I'm not complaining.
"So much for that bloody plan!" Aleks shouts, knocking over a table and taking cover behind it.
I hear an ear-piercing scream from behind me. That's Sandra. Kevin, who's behind the doorframe, pulls her behind the doorframe. So they're in cover too now.
I reach under my shirt to my waistband and draw my Glock. Granted, this isn't exactly why I carry it, but it's a whole hell of a lot better than nothing.
A Glock 27 is a striker-fired, polymer subcompact handgun chambered in .40S&W. It's a good little piece, but it's fairly limited. The grip is crap, the sight radius is short, and the mags only hold nine rounds. Realistically, it's good for minute-of-bad-guy out to about twenty or thirty yards, maybe twice that on a good day. It's not a combat gun. It's a defensive gun for situations where you're against an unarmed or lightly armed attacker and you need to defend yourself.
This is not one of those situations. This is a gun battle. I rack the slide, chambering a round and cocking the striker.
I count five hostiles visible. Thugs like the ones in the clinic, normal future clothes, armed with big pistols. Two firmly in cover behind the bar. Two partially concealed behind partitions, one right side, one left side. One brave idiot is in the open, moving toward us for the kill. I line up the sights and squeeze the trigger.
He's unshielded, unarmored, and my now centuries old Glock kills him just as dead as a Mass Effect pistol would have. My first shot goes wide, but at least two of the next three hit, one in the chest and one in the neck. I'm using hollowpoints, not ball ammo, and he drops instantly.
"You have a gun?" Aleks shouts from behind the table.
"I said I was carrying!" I shout back.
"I thought you meant a knife!" he shouts back. If I had time to process it I would have remembered that concealed carry doesn't exist in Britain.
The dead guy is closer to us than the other hostiles, and he dropped his gun maybe halfway between us and the bar. "Sandra, grab the gun!"
"Why me?" she shouts.
One of the thugs is taking potshots, and I fire three rounds into the wall next to him. I was aiming for him, but the bastard moved. "You've got armor, we don't."
I pull the trigger two more times and hit that bastard in the arm. He screams like a girl and drops his gun. The slide on my gun locks back and I drop the mag out, pull another one out from my pocket, slam it back in and slingshot the slide. "Go, damn it, go! I'll cover you!"
I duck back under the barrier, because now these assholes know I'm armed and they're firing like crazy at me. They're just dumping rounds, but they've got unlimited ammo and I don't.
"Sandra, move your ass!" I shout. On my right, one of the thugs is running toward Aleks, out of cover but covered by his two buddies.
I can't get a shot from where I am. "Aleks, one tango, about to be right on top of you."
"Oh shit!" Aleks shouts. The thug has his gun pointed at Aleks, but he grabs the arm and the thug fires the gun uselessly into the ground. Aleks' other hand is digging frantically through his pocket until he finally pulls out a pen and drives it through the thug's hand.
I guess he couldn't find his biro. Whatever that is.
The thug screams and drops his gun right into Aleks' lap. I now have a clear shot at the thug, and I put four bullets into him before he can try anything.
"Thanks," Aleks thanks. He picks up the gun. Awkward as shit, I can tell he never handled a pistol before, and it's not just because he swept me with his finger on the trigger and the safety probably off.
Two thugs dead, one down. I count three left. One behind the other side of the bar and two on the left, behind partitions. Aleks decides to shoot at the guy behind the bar, and fires haphazardly, smashing bottles and putting holes in the paneling without actually hitting who he was aiming at.
"Do you know what you're doing?" I fire two shots at one of the thugs on the left, miss both times, and the slide locks back on an empty magazine.
"No! This is my first time firing a gun!" Aleks shouts back, still firing.
"That's just great!" I pull out another magazine- my last one. Three thugs, nine rounds. Three each. Gotta make these ones count.
"Hey, I got him!" Aleks shouts. I sneak a glance and sure enough the thug is bleeding all over the bar.
I can't get a shot from where I am. "Aleks, cover me!"
Amazingly enough, the British kid obliges, firing his pistol more or less randomly over my head as I dive for the bar.
From there, I have a clear shot at one of the thugs. I pull the trigger twice for one neck hit and one perfect headshot. The other guy decides that he's had enough and tries to run, but one of Aleks' random shots hits him in the leg and he keels over.
"Did we do it?" Kevin asks from way behind us.
"No, no we did not!" Aleks shouts, frantically pointing at the walking tank that is a Krogan that just emerged from the back room. Holy shit, those things are a lot more terrifying in person.
He doesn't bother with cover. I empty the rest of my magazine into him. He doesn't even fucking notice.
"Damn it, I'm out!" I shout. Aleks is still shooting, but it doesn't look like it's doing anything but tickling.
"I think we should run," Aleks suggests.
I think he's right. "Everyone, fall back!"