I'm not happy with the last two chapters. Like, really not happy. So I decided to rewrite them completely. I've scrapped the originals and started from scratch, revising and rewriting both chapters. I know that you were probably excited for a new chapter, but by focusing on existing chapters I can provide a better experience overall.

Music suggestion remains the same.

12: Planet Explorers

Shepard: Welcome aboard the Normandy.

Fade in. Shot of entire team (in suitably dramatic poses) forming into a line.

Shepard: We're on a mission that's important. Really, really super important.

Closeup pans of team members reveal that they're actually struggling not to laugh.

Shepard: This is like potentially galaxy ending stuff, people.

More closeups. Camera bumps into Tali's visor and cameraman quickly backs away.

Shepard: We're heading into a dangerous galaxy full of dangerous... stuff.

Rapid cut to Jane and Sandra entering a boxing ring arena kind of thing.

Shepard: We don't know what our enemies look like. They're all mysterious and evil.

Long shot of Jane knocking Sandra down. Sandra gets up and is knocked down again.

Shepard: They want to kill us and we have to be ready or something.

Approximately thirty seconds of Jason and Ash failing to hit each other.

Shepard: Everyone has to be ready for that. Uh, getting attacked, not getting killed.

Tracking shot of Kevin running away from puzzled Wrex, tripping over a toolbox and falling over.

Shepard: It doesn't matter where you came from. You're soldiers now. Like Sam in Transformers.

Aleks hides behind a crate as Kaidan biotically tosses bits of junk at him. Over-the-shoulder shot.

Shepard: Everyone needs to put in all the effort so we can win and stuff.

Long shot of team dancing poorly for no apparent reason with lots of flashy lights.

Shepard: Like I said before, this is super important, so everybody try really hard.

Cut to CIC. Jane takes the microphone from her younger sister, glaring at her.

Jane: You know what, Melia, it's official. You don't get to do speeches. Ever.

Aleks

"Okay, that did not work for so many reasons."

I said that from my position lying on my back on the floor, of course. At that point it seemed every muscle and bone and major organ in my body hurt like a bugger. Even my bold statement came out as more of a squeaking protest.

"The training montage or the training itself?"

I replied painfully, cringing at the thought, "Both."

"I am not cut out for this," Kevin groaned from my right.

"I should have just bit him," Sandra said from my left.

"You guys are horrible at this!" Jane told us, with barely a drop of sweat on her face. "Especially you, Jason. I mean, you did okay, but you're a Marine. I expect better."

"Yeah, seriously, you suck," Melia added, standing beside Jane.

"Hey, fuck off Windows, I was never Recon." Jason spat from a position on a bench about three metres to my right. "Besides, you don't punch in the sandbox unless you want to be really dead."

"What?" Sandra asked.

"You don't fight with punches," Jason explained, rolling over. "That's about five levels below last ditch."

"No, not that, you called Melia Windows."

"Yeah. Mini Shepard, MS, Microsoft, Windows."

"That's really stretching it a bit far, isn't it?" I asked. Really, I'm just not seeing it.

"I don't think that's-" Melia tried to say before Jason cut her off.

"Windows, you annoy me. I can call you whatever I want."

"That doesn't make any sense either," I pointed out.

Before I could say anything else, Jason cut me off. "Do you want a nickname too?"

"Wait, Melia was the one doing the voiceover?" Kevin asked with a sudden realization.

She shook her head and helped him up. "Yes and no."

"Wait, so Shepard-"

"Yes."

"I didn't finish the-"

"No."

I raised my hands into the air, which was actually a colossal effort given my current predicament. "You know what, this is just getting strange, we should probably stop now."

Jason

I stumble out of the pod and through the door onto the crew deck and greet the only person in the mess. "Commander."

"Can't sleep?" Shepard asks.

"You've got it." I reply, then I begin semi-sarcastically, "Look, I'm enjoying this training as much as everyone else, but I've gotta ask the question. Why?"

She raises an eyebrow. "Why are we training?"

"That's what I'm asking, yeah."

Her answer sounds flat and rehearsed. "Isn't it obvious? So they can defend themselves and be useful."

"Bullshit," I snap. "Why are you trying to teach these civvies advanced hand-to-hand? Even if they learn it, which is unlikely, it's completely useless."

"I wouldn't say that," she defends. Weakly.

"Hand-to-hand is three steps below last-ditch," I reply, rattling off, "Drone or air strike. Artillery. CAS. Fire support. Crew-served weapons. Rifle. Pistol. Knife. Sharp piece of metal. Rock. Fist."

Seeing her hesitation, I remind her, "I'm a Marine, Shepard. Two and a half tours in Iraq, one in Afghanistan. I know what I'm talking about."

"That was over a hundred years ago," she says.

You know, she has a point. War can change a lot in a hundred years. It certainly did for us.

"Bullshit," I snap. "War never changes. The fist became a last-ditch weapon as soon as man harnessed the power of the rock."

She turns and snaps, "What if we're boarded? What if Saren sends more people? What if they're out shopping? How are they going to defend themselves?"

Again, she has a point. We were caught completely off guard, and so will you.

That's why you need to be prepared.

"Bullshit I shrug. "If all you've got is your fists then maybe it's time to reevaluate your EDC."

"I'm sorry, EDC?"

"Every day carry. Pistol." I raise my shirt, revealing the Starling in its holster underneath. I begin patting my pockets. "Backup gun- I don't have one, but I was going to get one. Knife. Multitool. Hell, even a pen."

She doesn't reply.

I repeat, "We both know this is a waste of time, Shepard. So I'm going to ask again. Why bother?"

She sighs and leans closer. "Look, I've got to give them something to do. Make them feel like they're doing something useful, like they're going to be able to contribute. I don't plan on actually taking them anywhere dangerous."

"Why not teach them something useful, then?" I ask.

"Because then they might actually want to use it."

Jane Shepard

"So, first order of business," I began, but was immediately cut off.

"We go after Saren!" Garrus, Wrex, and Tali shouted at the same time.

I raised my hand in the human gesture of stop. "Actually, no. We need to shake down some of the Normandy's systems, get the Mako broken in, and figure out how we work together. Get a feel for our equipment and each other."

"Ugh, you've got to be kidding me," someone muttered quietly. I ignored them.

"Now, we're going to go to-"

"I thought your eyes were brown," Kevin suddenly interrupted.

"Do you have something to add, Kevin?" I asked.

"Uh, your eyes. They're green now."

"Do you have something against green eyes?" Sandra asked Kevin.

"Uh, no, they're quite lovely, actually."

"Are you hitting on me?" I asked, teasing. Hey, Command saddled me with these morons, so I might as well have fun with them while they're here.

"No, no, of course not!" Kevin replied, cheeks turning bright red. Huh, I didn't know that actually happened to people.

"But seriously, I'm pretty sure you had brown eyes when we arrived," Aleks added, trying to save some of his friend's dignity.

I folded my arms. "My eyes are green. They've always been green."

"Twins day," Melia reminded me.

"Oh, right!" I said. "Yeah, me and Melia decided we'd do twins day this year. We decided to meet in the middle, so we'd look the same."

"I dyed my hair red," Melia explained. "I used really permanent dye, though, so it's going to be a while before it goes back to natural."

"Aren't you actually twins?" Kevin asked, confused.

I shook my head. "No, I don't have an identical twin."

"So Melia's your non-identical twin?" Sandra asked.

I glared at her. "I'm not her twin. Seriously, can't you tell that we're almost ten years apart?"

"Uh... no?" Kevin semi-asked. "I'm not really good at telling ages."

"Isn't this supposed to be a briefing, ma'am?" Chief Williams interrupted, annoyed at our antics.

"Yes, Chief, it is," I replied professionally. "Where were we?"

"Shakedown mission, ma'am."

"Right. I figured we should do a side mission to test the Normandy's systems and shake down the new Mako-"

Kevin and Aleks suppressed laughs, Aleks better than Kevin. I glared at them. "What's so funny?"

"You said shake down," Kevin said. "There's a kind of double entendre there."

"Basically, it handles badly and you're a really bad driver so..." Sandra began before trailing off.

I shrugged. "Well, you just volunteered yourselves."

"Are you kidding me?" Aleks immediately objected.

I nodded. "Yeah, I'm just kidding."

"That's a relief," he replied in that strange accent of his.

"Oh, you're still coming," I told them. "You've just done a bunch of training and I want to see how you do."

"So, uh, where are we going?" Jason asked, saying something for the first time since the briefing began.

"Just a little planet exploring," I explain. "We're headed to Edolus."