The group walks into the city and people began staring due to their ragged clothing and reek of dead things. Some whispered about them.
"Hey, what's the smell? It smells like my dog *s*bleep*ed all over dead rotting fish."
"It's either bad meat or good cheese. And it is neither."
"Those four need a bath." A random woman comments to another woman, "If they cleaned up and fixed themselves up, they would be pretty hot."
"Especially the one with blonde hair. So exotic!" The four quickly walk and Guo Jia goes up to one of the women.
"Excuse me, my colleagues and I need somewhere to clean up and get new clothes."
"You can get clothes from the local tailor. Shu has the finest silk there is."
(Shu...? Oh... no...) "Anyway, is there a lake or a bathroom you can lead us to...?"
"I am not very comfortable leading strangers to my home... You can ask Lord Liu Bei to let you borrow his bathroom. He'll never refuse anyone!"
"...Oh... Thanks..." He walks back to the three behind him. "We are in Shu... and we may have to borrow Liu Bei's bathroom..."
"Liu Bei doesn't know us, so we should be fine."
"Yes, he does! He was watching us storm the Wu main camp! Except Xun Yu since he was just on the ships and cannot use his weapon yet."
"We have to mess up our hair and faces then for him to not notice. We'll just mooch off him for a time then steal his horses. First, Sima Yi, take off that hat. Anyone will recognize you as long you have the hat." Sima Yi takes off his hat and puts it away.
"Mess up your hair."
"This isn't necessary. No one in Shu has ever seen me without my hat or my hair down."
"Just mess it up for safety."
"Fine, here is an ink bottle. Dye your hair black."
"Not my hair!"
"You are the only blonde man here. You are very recognizable." Guo Jia takes the ink bottle and slowly holds it over his head. He puts it back down quickly.
"I can't do it!"
"It will wash off. But after you take a bath, you will need a second coating." He tries to pour it over his head, but again stops to sob hysterically.
"Oh, I can't do it! Auhuhuhuhu!"
"Hold him."
"Sorry." Jia Xu and Xun Yu hold Guo Jia down as Sima Yi pours the ink all over his head.
"This is hair rape! Let me go!"
"...Hair cannot be raped. There." Guo Jia runs to a nearby puddle of water and sees himself with black hair.
"Now I look like Xun Yu. But... black doesn't look too bad on me..." He stares into the puddle at himself.
"While he's doing that, Jia Xu, take your bandana and cover your face. Say you are ugly so they won't make you take it off. Maybe uglier then Pang Tong. And they don't know Xun Yu exists, so he stays."
"Come on Guo Jia." Guo Jia continues to stare at his reflection. "Black does suit me."
"I'm glad you like it, but let's go."
Can't we just sneak into a random commoner's home?
"Hm... Yeah! Let's try that!" Guo Jia runs into the city streets and goes behind a building. Some yelling and a smack is heard. Guo Jia walks back to the three with a red cheek.
"They have tight security... Might as well get this over with..."
After half an hour, they reach the steps of the Shu palace. A generic stops them.
"Halt! What business do you have here?"
"We want to borrow your bathroom."
"...Huh? That's a first... I am not sure how to react to this." He turns his head to yell out, "Hey, what do we do if the people want to use the bathroom here?" Someone yells back, "That's a weird request! Let me go ask Lord Liu Bei!"
"Just wait a few minutes." After minutes of standing, a voice calls back to the generic, "Liu Bei said to let them if it's an emergency!"
"Is it?"
"Yes. My "father" here wears diapers and it is full. He has to change it." Jia Xu glares at Sima Yi and whispers, "I may be older, but that doesn't mean I wear diapers!"
"...Oh... Okay? Um... you three reek so I guess you can use the shower also." The gates open and the group gets access into the palace. Liu Bei walks out to greet them. Guo Jia thinks to himself.
(Okay, he's not very bright. He won't see through these disguises.)
"My, look at you four! What happened to you?!"
We traveled a long way with no food or water. (Sob stories get to him.)
"Oh no! Come in! My servants will prepare warm robes and you can use the bathroom here to wash up." Sima Yi says through gritted teeth, "Thank you, kind sir." (I can't believe I'm being nice to a person from Shu...)
"Hey, have I seen you before?" Sima Yi's eyes widen. "Oh no! No! I just happened to look like a lot of people!"
"Really? You remind me of Cao Cao's funny hat strategist."
"Nrrgh... Oh, I get that a lot."
"I find your wolfish grin unnerving."
"Okay, are you just going to insult me?"
"Oh, sorry! You just look so much like him!"
(I didn't know he saw that much of me...) As the four walked into the palace, Guo Jia quickly swipes an ink bottle before heading towards the bathroom.
One hour la-ter (And no, they did not share a bath, you pervs)
Guo Jia quickly pours the ink on his head and washes away any excess ink.
"I can get used to this." He continues to admire his reflection in the mirror. Xun Yu walks out from a room in green robes.
I feel like a traitor wearing these.
"This is just temporary. Later, we can steal Shu's horses and get to Wei." Sima Yi and Jia Xu sit in chairs in the room.
"Ugh... I despise green."
"Don't be a Zhen Ji."
"I'm not! I just hate green with a passion. Its color makes me want to barf."
"Now that you mention it, all of their robes are green. I don't know if it's depressing or just plain laziness." They hear voices from another room.
"Yue Ying! What are you doing to Weisun?!"
"You brought back this hairy thing. I wanted to examine it."
"Weisun is not a thing you can simply take apart!"
"You mean Wilson?"
"It's Weisun!" The four listen and recognized the voice.
"It's Zhuge Liang."
"And still not sane yet." They continued to listen through the wall.
"Zhuge Liang! What are you-"
"Weisun! Are you okay?"
"...Oh no... Your mind hasn't come back yet. Here. Read Sun Tzu's Art of War." A brief silence fills the room and again Zhuge Liang's voice is heard.
"Sorry. What was I doing again?"
We already cleaned up. We can just go.
"Okay, let's go-" When JIa Xu gets up and walks up to the door, it opens quickly to show two soldiers. Behind them was Zhuge Liang. "I knew something was amiss. Weisun, your gut was right."
"I don't think that thing has a gut..."
"Silence. You can fool Liu Bei, but not me." Jia Xu stares at him for a full minute and quickly swipes the coconut away from Zhuge Liang. He throws it at the wall, cracking it and spilling its water all over the floor.
"NOOO!" Sima Yi grabs the cracked coconut before Zhuge Liang and throws it against the wall again. It splits in half and Zhuge Liang yells out, "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" He closes his eyes for a moment and they had a fierce glow to them once they opened.
"I feel... light. Hm, my sanity has come back! And... Four of Wei's strategists are right before me. Men, seize them and lock them up."
"What? They are Wei soldiers?!"
"Uh-oh."
Run!
The four run quickly and broke the window of the room. They jump outside and run away from the palace.
"Huff... huff..."
"Where are the stables?"
"How am I supposed to know?!" They get out of the palace's main gate only to get stopped by a growling Wei Yan.
"RAAAAAAGH! WEI... SPIES...! Kill... Wei spies!" Wei Yan swings his blade quickly at them, and they keep dodging. They slip away and run off to go right into a riding Ma Chao.
"Ha! Men of Cao Cao! Face your fate!"
"Oh god! I don't think we are going to make it!" They duck under Ma Chao's spear swipe. They continue to run away, but Xun Yu holds up his notepad while running.
Wait, don't you three have weapons?
The three slowed down and their faces turned bright red in embarrassment. "Oh... right..." They take out their weapons and went back only to go back the other way running.
"All of them have Rage musou!" They run away from the glowing bright yellow troops and generals. They got to a secluded area and checked if the army followed them.
"Great... Just great. Zhuge Liang gaining his sanity back..."
"I thought breaking the thing would make him go crazy! It did the opposite!"
"Anyway, we should find the Shu stables-" Guo Jia turns to comes face-to-face of a giant head. Its mouth opens to reveal a pipe and it shoots a blast of flame in his face. His face is black and he coughs.
"Koff... Augh..."
"You four! Stand your ground!" Yue Ying sends five juggarnauts to surround them.
"Oh, great..."
"Koff... Hey, you could have killed me!"
"That was what I was going for."
"Sima Yi... can you activate your boner sword?"
"Sorry, I have a fire-breathing beast in my face!"
"Surrender!"
"You know, constantly nagging us to do things will not work no matter how hard you try. Unless you're my wife."
"Ugh, who would marry you?"
"Guess what? I am!"
"I feel sorry for the woman married to you."
"And I feel sorry for you being married to a man that didn't bother writing about you in the history books."
"Take that back!" She sticks her dagger-axe near Sima Yi's neck.
"Sima Yi! Your blood will be all over me if you continue taunting her!"
"She's bluffing." The dagger-axe's blade touches his neck and he jumps at the cold metal.
"I am not."
"What do you want, woman?! You're more demanding than my wife when she hit adolescence!"
"...Wait, what? You're married to a kid? That is sick! You're more awful than I thought!"
"It wasn't my choice!" The three look at the arguing two and walk slowly between the spaces of the juggarnauts. They run very fast but to crash into Zhao Yun, Guan Yu,Huang Zhong, Ma Chao, and Zhang Fei along with a giant army.
"Stop and surrender!"
"Aaaah! Just run!" They run in the opposite direction, but to run into Zhuge Liang and his own army.
"Oh, we're screwed." In the background, Yue Ying is seen beating Sima Yi with her dagger-axe.
"Take that back! I am not Zhuge Liang's bitch!"
"Yes, you are! OW! My wife hits harder than you!"
"You sick pedophile! Who knows what that poor girl has seen or have been forced to do..."
"I did not touch her until she was eighteen! OW! And "poor girl" doesn't properly describe her!"
"Sure, pervert."