The four walk very quickly to the Luoyang next to the burnt down old Luoyang. Jia Xu teases Guo Jia.
"I cannot believe you broke down in front of the old Luoyang thinking Wu destroyed it."
"Okay, okay! I overreacted! Can you drop it?"
"Sorry, it's just so funny when you play it back in your head." They reach the gates of Luoyang and guards stop them.
"Halt! Who are you?"
"Cao Cao's advisers."
"What? Why are you wearing green?"
"This was what a tailor had..."
"Oh. How do we know you're not Shu spies?" Sima Yi sighs and takes out his hat to put it on. The guards exclaimed, "OOOHHHHH! Hahahaha! Yes, you four can come on in! Lord Sima Yi has verified your four." They open the gates and Sima Yi puts on a displeasing face.
"...They only recognize me with my hat..." Guo Jia runs quickly up the steps of the palace, but trips on the last one.
"Wow... This is embarrassing..." He gets up quickly to push open the large doors. "Lord Cao Cao! I'm back!" Cao Cao in another room was still crying in Sima Lang's arms.
"I hear Guo Jia's ghost haunting me... He is dead... Along with every thing else..."
"My lord... Hehehe... You've been hugging and crying on me for the past hour..."
"Your beard reminds me of Guan Yu..."
"You said that already." Guo Jia enters that room and sees Cao Cao.
"My lord?"
"Auuugh! I see his ghost!" Sima Lang looks up and sees Guo Jia. "Hi. Please take over. Also, is my brother okay?"
"Yes."
"Oh, thank god! I didn't want lose another brother." Sima Yi, Jia Xu, and Xun Yu finally walk inside of the room. Cao Cao looks up and looks around frantically.
"Ah! When did you come in here?! Are you going to haunt me because I didn't include railings on the ships?" Sima Lang drops Cao Cao and hugs Sima Yi very tightly.
"I was so worried about you! I thought I had to bury another sibling ever since Min died!"
"Mmh."
"Come on, say more than that!" He shakes Sima Yi back and forth, making Yi's eyes swirly.
"Uuugh... Stoppp..." Cao Cao then calms down to see the four of them. "You're... alive? I knew it! I always knew it! Pi was always telling me your four were dead, but I proved him wrong! Come here!" Jia Xu and Sima Yi stand still.
"Come on."
"I don't do hugs."
"Me either. I'll be in the wine cellar if you need me." Jia Xu walks away from them.
"Aw. Ah, Xun Yu! I didn't get to see you exactly since you just be brought out of generic hell."
It is a pleasure to be standing before you as your new non-generic strategist.
"You can't talk?"
No voice actor. Yet.
"Let's hold a banquet to welcome you four back."
"Yes, let's!"
"Ngh... shouldn't you bring the fight to Shu and Wu?"
"Oh, don't be such a stick-in-the-mud, Sima Yi!"
"But-"
"No buts! You will have alcohol in your body before the next battle! This is an order!"
"Uhh..."
"Tonight, you WILL show up! I'll even have guards escort you to the party!"
"Uhh... I can't convince you... Fine. I'll go change out of these horrific robes at home."
"Excellent. Also, you still are Cao Pi's tutor."
"...Whhhhy? He's already smart as you. My brother can do it anyway... He's twenty-one! How much are you trying to jam into his pompous head?" Cao Pi glares at him, "Pompous?"
"You heard me. You're pompous."
"How dare you make such an insult to me!"
"What are you going to do? Execute me?"
"Father! I demand you execute Sima Yi for such insults!"
"Phht. You've been called worse than that. This is one of the lighter insults you got. Pompous doesn't begin to describe you."
"Even you... Fine..."
"Excuse me, I will be going home now." Sima Yi walks out of the room and out the palace.
At Sima Yi's house, Zhang Chunhua frantically places and fixes many area of the house. A maid tells her, "I heard your husband has come back."
"I know that! What do you think I am doing here? I fixing things so he won't noticed what happened in here!"
"Is it going to be bad when you tell him the truth?"
"...It would depend on the seriousness... You are going to tell him, aren't you?"
"No! It's just... lying would be wrong..."
"Huuu... Oh well, I'll just spill everything... Hand me one of the bottles..."
"I have noticed something... Aren't you a little young to be drinking...?"
"Oh, what's the point...?"
"You don't want to become an alcoholic."
"I am not. If this is the best you can do with motivational speeches, don't bother..." The door opens to have Sima Yi walk in. "What's with the giant flowers in the garden?"
"General Zhang He did that."
"Oh, makes sense. Why was he here?"
"He just bursts through the door and asked me for something to do."
"Oh. Also, what happened in here?"
(What?! How does he...?)
"If you're asking how do I know, it is that this place has a different smell. It reeks of sweat, alcohol, and shame." The maid walks quickly away from that one room.
"I..."
"Well, considering you're barely legal and still young, you took advantage of my absence. I'll let this slide. Not that I actually care."
"..."
"Based on your look, you're hiding something. Spill it."
"I had an affair!"
"...With who?"
"I forgot her name."
"Her...?" He stands still for a moment and suddenly says, "Forgiven."
"What?"
"FOR-GIVEN."
"I-"
"Bu-buhuhu! FOR-GIV-EN. Don't fight it."
"Why-"
"Because I can!"
"I remember the woman's name now. It was Zhen Ji."
"...Aaaaaah... That is not anything. She sleeps with everyone, so thus you were another person she added on the "people slept with" list. So... yes. You didn't do anything wrong. Unless you killed another maid."
"No, I did not."
"Good. I will be grabbing another set of robes since this is making me want to barf right now." Sima Yi walks into the bedroom and walks off in his normal purple robes.
"I see blood. You killed another maid."
(How the hell can he see it?! I used the strongest stuff on that!) "No, I did not. A cat and a snake killed each other."
"...Surprisingly, I believe you... It must be true. Where's Shi?"
"He's in his crib."
"I didn't see him in it."
"Damn it!" She runs out of the house.
"Huh?"
At the palace, the generals sit at the long table and Cao Cao gives Sima Shi to Zhen Ji.
"Huh?"
"He was pointing to you while spouting random stuff."
"I guess he wants a female to hold him." She takes Sima Shi and Sima Shi grabs her breast.
"Ah!"
"I see he'll become a good man when he grows up."
"Oh! Cao Cao! Your influence ruined this poor child!" The palace doors burst open to have Zhang Chunhua run in and grab Sima Shi away from Zhen Ji.
"I should put out a restraining decree against you, Cao Cao."
"What? I'm his uncle, right?"
"...That's Sima Lang." Sima Lang is sitting at the table and is waving at her. "Hi, sister-in-law! Cao Cao just thinks your boy is cute, that's all."
"That's creepy."
"Aw!"
"Don't give me that look. I see you drooling over those two young sisters over in Wu."
"Agh! They're old news! I'm going for Sun Quan's wife! Her badonkadonks are the bomb."
"...Ugh." Zhen Ji yells at her,"You! Why did you just leave me after the night we shared?"
"...I don't remember you."
"You violated me!"
"...Ha... No..." Cao Pi raises from his seat. "You, woman, what does Zhen mean you violated her?"
"She was willing."
"Ah! So you do remember!"
"To be honest, you were disappointing." The male generals (except Zhang He who was acting very oblivious to the whole situation) blushed as the conversation was going on. Li Dian whispers to Zhang Liao, "Is it bad I am getting aroused by this?"
"I thought you were homosexual."
"What?! What about me says that?!"
"The hair, the scarf, the voice..."
"Well, I'm bisexual, thank you very much!"
Guo Jia stands up to clap, "Whoo! get her done!" Everyone turned to stare at him. "What? I am just stating what everyone here is thinking."
"Anyway... I will be going to put my son back home."
"Oh fine, leave. That's what everyone does."
"Haaaa..." She walks through the door and Sima Yi walks in. "Why was Shi in here?" Cao Cao goes over to him, "I'm his uncle, right?"
"No, that's Lang."
"Am I at least his godfather or something?"
"No."
"Your father was my buddy! I should at least have a title."
"Fine, creepy perverted friend of the family."
"What? No!"
"Deal with it."
"Ah, you're no fun."
Two hours later
Sima Yi lays on the ground bright red. Cao Cao stands over him.
"Cao Cao... Why did you force that much alcohol down my throat...?"
"You need it in your system. You need to loosen up. Guo Jia told me you don't drink and neither does Xun Yu. So I will make you two drink." Xun Yu wobbles around to the banquet room and bumps into pillars.
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"He's... writing gibberish on his notepad! How much did you give him?!"
"Guo Jia said to try to make him high tolerance."
"Stop listening to him!" Jia Xu chows down on many food items on the table because he is too drunk to care what he is eating.
"These cookies... Taste... AWWWWE-SOOOOME." Sima Yi stands on his two feet and sits at a chair. "Uhhhh... May I please go home now...? I do not feel good."
"Get naked and show us your scars!"
"...I have no scars."
"It worked for Sun Quan!"
"Ask Xiahou Dun."
"Dun! Get naked and show your scars-"
"NO."
"Worth a shot to reenact that famous story."
"Pleeeease... I neeed to go home."
"It's an order for you to stay here and enjoy yourself!"
"Uuuugh..." He gets a piece of paper and write shakily on it. He calls over a messenger over. "Send this... to... my...estate..."
"Yes!" The messenger runs out the palace.
Over at Sima Yi's house, the messenger gives the maid Sima Yi's letter. He runs away and the maid hands it to Zhang Chunhua.
"Hm?"
"It's from Lord Sima Yi."
"He never writes unless it is important." She unravels the paper to show a inky mess of letters.
I f I do n't make it ho me be fore mid ni ght dr ag m bo dy b ac k ho me cow co ot lett ing me le ave al so y ou be tte r n ot be drink ing wa it un til you're tw went y o ne
Zhang Chunhua throws a bottle away from her when she read that part. It makes a noise when it hits someone.
"Auughhuhuhuhu! You're so mean!" Xu Shu runs out of the house with Zhang Chunhua staring in surprise.
"...When did he...? Who is he...?"
"Auuugh! You're meaner then everyone else here!"
"..."
Back in the palace, everyone lays on the ground or on the table drunk. Cao Cao yells out, "Come on! You can't be done already!" Guo Jia crawls over to him.
"This is everyone's limit... Even mine's... I think Xun Yu's dead because his liver can't take it..." Xun Yu is seen puking behind a pillar.
"Nope. He isn't." Sima Yi pukes uncontrollably and groans.
"UGH! Why did you force more liquor into me?! Uuuugh... Chunhua... you should save me right NOW."
"Aw, that's nice."
"Shut up! My liver will die because of you!"
"You're overreacting."
"This is what you consider "welcome back"?"
"Yes! Get used to it, Zhongda."
"I... Fine.. You allowed to call me that... Ooohhh... My stomach..."
Epilogue
Xu Shu continued to serve Cao Cao until his suicide. He was a virgin. His only interaction with a woman was when Zhang Chunhua threw that bottle at him accidentally.
Guo Jia died of liver disease and a heart attack while having a Roman-like orgy with twenty-five women and one man he thought was a woman. No, not Zhang He.
Ma Chao died from his unattended wounds and his last words to Ma Dai were "Take care of... Chestnut 5..."
Ma Dai started an art project called "How I Gave Up on my Stupid Cousin."
Yue Ying started to hate how slow juggarnauts were, so she made every one have a rocket booster.
Jia Xu began to hate shopping carts because they were the cause of destroying his secret wine collection.
Xun Yu doesn't have a voice actor yet. If you are reading this when he finally has one, dismiss this message.
Sima Shi begins to like meatbuns sexually due to being exposed to his mother's large boobs a lot.
Sima Zhao was not featured in this story. Thank god.
Zhang Chunhua continues to make Sima Yi look like Pedobear for a few more years unintentionally.
Guo Huai continues to drink that medical tea without knowing its contents. Poor fellow.
The maid died of illness. No, she wasn't murdered by Zhang Chunhua. She actually liked that maid.
Zhang Chunhua and Zhang Liao are still not related in anyway other then being scary.
Zhang He made those rectangle trees for Xiahou Yuan. They were rectangles.
Zhang Jiao comes back to life only to get killed by Zuo Ci.
The shark and bear bodies were never found. The leopard cat died from old age.
Zhou Yu was reading a scroll when a peon runs in.
"My lord, the Shu forces are now invading Jing!"
"Huh?! That means..." Zhou Yu runs out of his tent to see soldiers fighting at a garrison. Zhuge Liang is seen on top of a hill overlooking the battle. He turns to Zhou Yu slowly and sticks the middle finger at him.
"Zhuge Liang... You bastard... Oh well... This my cue to die... GULGH!" He grasps his chest and collapses. His ghost comes out his corpse and he flies over to Zhuge Liang. He pokes him.
"Boop. You're cursed to die like I did. Except with Sima Yi the one taunting you."
"Ha-ha! That'll never happen!"
Fast Forward to Wu Zhang Plains
Zhuge Liang grasps his chest while in his wheelchair. "Nrrrgh... Damn it..." He looks over to the Wei side to see Sima Yi sticking the middle finger at him.
"GULGH!" He dies and his ghost comes out of the corpse. He flies over to Sima Yi to poke him.
"Boop. You'll die the same way I did."
"Nope."
Sima Yi lived to be 72. He died with no regrets.
Ghost Zhuge Liang yells at the caption, "WHAT THE F*BLEEP* IS THAT CRAP?!"
"Ha-ha!"