Chapter 10
When John was first injured, other people made him feel like a victim. They didn't mean to but they did. He had hated it. They continued still. He still hated it. The car bumped along. He had done it to Anna. He understood.
Lady Grantham watched as they entered the cottage. Anna looked tired. She was taking off her hat.
"Anna, I…." John didn't know how to finish. He was sorry. It was that simple, but it was so useless. "I didn't mean…" He cleared his throat. "I didn't realize…" He went to her, and put his arms around her. "I was trying to do my best." He was making it worse.
Anna sighed. "I know." She crossed her arms over her chest. "I just wish someone would let me forget sometimes." Her voice trailed away.
John understood. "I'll do my best." He would. He stepped towards her, and pulled her in. But he did want to murder. He wanted to rip Green limb from limb and then beat him, senseless, and then perhaps do something painful. He clenched a fist. But it wouldn't help. It wouldn't help Anna. He shut his eyes. It had upset Anna. He took a breath, and turned towards her. She was seated on the couch, looking down. John sat next to her. "I promise."
John looked at her closely. She had a look, actually, that he hadn't seen in ages. "John….you…you say it doesn't matter…but…." She placed her hand on him. "You treat me differently." He was rejecting her. He was so afraid of hurting her that he was treating her too carefully.
"But I'm afraid." John felt his voice break. "Anna, I don't think I've ever been so frightened in my life." He began to weep, violently, as he hadn't done since it happened. He had been so busy keeping Anna safe, and well, that he hadn't thought of himself. Nothing had happened to him. She wrapped her arms around him and pulled his head to her chest. She was weeping as well. Everything had happened to him.
Anna took a few gasping breaths, and looked up, into his eyes. He felt like he was seeing her again for the first time, but she was more deep, more open. John leaned down, and kissed her. She kissed back. She took John's hand, and pulled him towards the stairs. John swallowed, and followed. She was nervous again in the bedroom, and John began to tell her it didn't matter, they didn't need to, she didn't need to, he didn't need to, when she kissed him with a force that knocked him slightly sideways. He dropped his cane. They were hurried until they got to the bed, and then slowed. Awkward, tentative, until Anna reminded him she wouldn't break. John felt it was like their second first time.