Tara sat in an empty booth twisting her ring around her finger, the one Jax gave her for her birthday. She'd been wearing it for months now, and every day it felt like more and more of a lie. Jax had changed. He was no longer the sweet, carefree, doting boyfriend he was when he gave it to her. He'd become a completely different person. And Tara had no clue why.
She'd always prided herself on being intelligent, observant. But this was one mystery she couldn't solve, no matter how hard she tried. She spent every waking hour trying to pinpoint it- the moment Jax as she knew him ceased to exist. The best she could guess, it happened while she was at work on her birthday, during Jax's first ride with the club. He was still his wonderful self when they woke up that morning- making jokes, kissing her goodbye, smiling. He'd promised to visit her at the diner when he finished up his work with the club. But he never showed.
And when Tara got home that night, she found him in bed. He wasn't sleeping, but he had no interest in talking…or in doing anything else with her. She tried. She'd probably asked him at least a million times since then what happened that day. His answer was always the same. "Nothin'."
It wasn't nothing. Tara found blood in the shower and Jax's bloody t-shirt in the trash, hidden under fast food wrappers. She saw the way he favored his head for the next several days, and how he seemed to be getting uncomfortably close with Tig. And with Clay. She saw a tormented, conflicted look in his eyes almost all of the time, something she'd never known in him before. And at night, when he thought she was sleeping, she heard him cry. Something happened. But Tara would probably never know what.
Things had gotten a little better over the past few weeks, but not much. They'd had sex a few times, finally, but it was nothing like the way they used to make love. Jax told her he loved her a little more often and spent what free time he had with her, but it all felt so empty to Tara. Her Jax was gone. The man who'd given her that ring and pledged to always make their relationship a priority no longer existed. And she didn't know if he'd ever return.
"Tara," called a gruff voice from the kitchen. "Customer." Tara quickly blinked back the tears that were forming in the corners of her eyes and stood up, smoothing out the apron she wore over her tight-fitting jeans and "Dom's Diner" t-shirt.
"Shit," she grumbled, her eyes falling upon David Hale. Just what she needed. She hadn't spoken to her former friend and suitor in nearly a year. She thought about it occasionally, but just never got around to it. She watched as David and a cute blonde she didn't recognize picked out a booth and sat side-by-side, rather than across from one another. She rolled her eyes, taking a deep breath as she approached.
"Welcome to Dom's," she said unenthusiastically, deciding to stick with the script. "My name is…"
"Tara," David said softly. "Hi."
"Hello, David," she said coldly. "Can I get you and your date something to drink?"
"I'll have a Coke," the girl said, her voice way too bubbly. It was like nails on a chalkboard to Tara's ears.
"I'll have the same," David agreed. His date giggled unnecessarily, kissing him on the cheek. Apparently, their shared affinity for Coca-Cola meant they were soul mates.
"Got it. Do you guys need a minute to look over the menu or…"
"What's the fanciest thing you guys serve?" David's date interrupted, twirling a lock of hair around her finger.
"Well, this is a diner," Tara said flatly. "So we serve burgers and sandwiches. Chicken tenders if you're feeling adventurous. That's about it." The girl wrinkled her nose in disgust. "Why?" Tara asked, turning her attention to David. "Celebrating something special?" David looked down at his hands, his ears turning bright red the way they always did when he was embarrassed.
"My David just got accepted into the police academy," the girl gushed. Something about the way she said 'my David' bothered Tara, and she wasn't sure why.
"Oh," Tara said, hoping to spontaneously burst into flames to escape the awkward encounter. "That's…awesome. Congratulations."
"Thank you," David said, the redness spreading from his ears to his face. He'd always hated being the center of attention. Unlike Jax, who demanded attention the second he walked into a room. He never had to ask for it, though, it was always just given. Tara joked that he was an eyeball magnet- all eyes were always on him.
The girl wrapped her arm around David's neck, looking more like she was choking him than hugging him. Tara was surprised she didn't raise her leg and pee on him to mark her territory.
"Yeah, and my parents just surprised us with a trip to Europe for the summer, to celebrate David getting into the academy and me getting into Stanford."
"Wow," Tara breathed, feeling like she'd been kicked in the gut. She faked a smile. "So uh…what can I get you guys to eat?" David looked up, noticing the shrillness in her voice.
He smiled. "Just two cheeseburgers is fine." Tara nodded, then turned quickly on her heels and hurried into the kitchen. Once she was out of sight, she closed her eyes and let out a long, shaky breath.
"You alright, Slim?" asked the cook. Definitely not slim himself, it was his favorite nickname for anybody who was. Tara slapped the order slip down on the counter in front of him and immersed herself in the task of pouring two Cokes. She ignored the urge to spit into one of them.
As she made her way back to the only occupied booth in the diner, the girl didn't notice her. She was too preoccupied by the conversation she was having with David. Tara caught the tail end of it.
"…still think we should go somewhere else, where they have good food and waitresses that aren't total weirdos." Tara cleared her throat, her blood boiling. David looked absolutely mortified. His girlfriend didn't look like she cared one way or another if Tara heard her.
"One Coke for you," Tara said, setting a glass in front of David. "And one for you." Just before she placed the girl's glass on the table, she lurched forward, almost as if someone had pushed her from behind. The glass slipped out of her hand, and landed right in David's date's lap. The blonde screamed bloody murder as ice and sticky brown liquid soaked through her white lace dress. The owner of the diner rushed over.
"What happened?" Dom demanded, his hands fluttering over his dissatisfied customer, not sure how to help her.
"I slipped," Tara said quietly. Dom looked at the spotless, carpeted floor under Tara's feet.
"On what?" Tara looked at him coldly and shrugged. Dom sighed. "I'll take care of this. Why don't you just take the rest of the night off?" Tara opened her mouth to protest, but the look on Dom's face made her change her mind. She took off her apron and slammed it on the counter, along with her ordering pad, then stalked out of the restaurant.
Once outside, she stood with her back against the brick wall, just past the diner windows, where nobody could see her. She breathed in and out slowly, trying to calm herself, but the tears came just the same.
"Tara?" She hadn't even heard the diner door open. She sniffled loudly, dragging the heels of her hands across her wet cheeks.
"David." She sniffled again. "I'm sorry about what happened in there, I just, uh…" David held up his hands, taking a step closer.
"Don't worry about it," he said. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," Tara insisted. David wasn't convinced. He crossed his tan, athletic arms over his muscular chest and planted his feet.
"Tara." His voice was kind but firm. "I've known you pretty much your entire life. I can tell when something's wrong. Even before whatever just happened, I could tell something was off. You just look…exhausted." Exhausted was a good word for it.
"Why do you care?" Tara challenged, not sure why she was being so mean.
David sighed, taking one of Tara's trembling hands in his. Her nerves were still shot. "I know things have been weird between us for the past year or so," he began. "But I still care about you, Tara. If you need somebody to talk to, I'm here. So I'm going to ask you one more time. Are you okay?"
Tara watched cars pass by on the busy street, trying to decide what to say. David was the only person who really knew her apart from who she was with Jax. Possibly the only one who knew the real her, rather than the person she was trying so hard to be. They'd been friends once. Good friends. But how could Tara tell him what was wrong when she wasn't sure herself? She had no idea why it bothered her so much to see him with someone else. She didn't want David. If she did, she would have him.
"I'm fine," Tara decided. "Things are just…different now. That's all." David focused on the ring she wore on her left ring finger, the one she both loved and hated.
"Yeah," David agreed, a deep sadness filling his usually sparkling blue eyes. "I guess they are." Tara pulled her hand away and stuffed it in her pocket, looking at the ground.
"Why are you being so nice to me, David? I thought you hated me." David chuckled, bowing his head in that sheepish way of his that Tara had forgotten all about.
"I could never hate you, Tara." The words caught Tara by surprise and she inhaled sharply, hoping she could stop the lump in her throat from becoming a full-blown sob. She felt a wound deep within her begin to heal, one she didn't even know existed. She'd carried so much guilt with her for so long over hurting David, yet she never gave much thought to how much the loss of his friendship affected her. A tear slipped through her wall of stoicism and slid down her cheek.
David pulled her into a tight embrace, locking his arms around her. He smelled exactly how she remembered- like summertime and aftershave. She hugged him back, trying to convince herself that she didn't enjoy the feel of his breath on her skin. She buried her face in his chest for a brief moment, letting herself pretend she was someone else- perhaps a pretty blonde with a mommy and daddy who sent her on backpacking trips through Europe, with a boyfriend who had a future that didn't center around a life of crime.
David pulled away from her slowly, then bent down and pressed his lips softly to hers. Tara's initial reaction was to pull away, but for some reason she didn't. She let David kiss her, trying to make herself want it, want him. But she couldn't. There was only one man she would ever want, no matter how rough things got between them. She loved Jax. She would always love Jax. She pulled away, covering her mouth with her hand. David turned beat red. They stared at each other in stunned silence.
"I'm so sorry," he whispered. "I don't know what came over me, I just…"
"It's okay," Tara interrupted him. "Really, it's…" Tara felt a giggle trying to escape. "It's okay." She laughed involuntarily. "I'm sorry," she said, laughing harder. After a few seconds, David joined her.
"Well at least you're not crying," he teased. "I guess that's a good thing."
Tara took a deep breath and smiled. "Thank you, David. For everything. You were always such a good friend to me."
"I still could be," David offered. "Your friend."
No he couldn't. David was on his way to becoming a police officer, just like he'd always wanted. He probably had hopes of taking over the Charming Police Department when Chief Unser retired, which would make him and Jax enemies. It was best to end things now, before they got too messy.
"Probably not the best idea," Tara said.
David nodded. "You're probably right."
Tara changed the subject. "Shouldn't you be inside, helping your date clean herself up?"
"Yeah." David smiled. "I told her I was going out to my car to look for a towel."
"Better get on that, then," Tara suggested. She turned away from the parking lot, making the spur of the moment decision to walk home. It was a beautiful day, and the fresh air might help her clear her head. "And tell her I'm sorry again. Total accident." She began to walk slowly in the direction of the MC clubhouse.
"Hey Tara," David called after her. She spun around to face him. "That was no accident," he accused. Tara shrugged playfully, a wicked grin playing across her lips. She and David both laughed.
On the walk home, Tara wrestled with whether or not to tell Jax about the kiss. It wasn't the best idea, considering how rocky their relationship had been lately, but honesty was important to her. She didn't like keeping things from Jax. But at the same time, he was keeping all sorts of things from her these days. He always told her there were some things she was better off not knowing. For the first time, she actually understood what that meant.
Besides, she wasn't even sure what she would say. The more she thought about it, the more she wondered if it was really David she'd kissed, or just the idea of him. Was she testing herself, trying to make herself feel something for someone other than Jax? Or did she think that if she could make herself want David, then she could make herself want the life a man like him could provide? The latter made sense. She never thought she'd wind up with David specifically, but she always saw herself with someone like him- someone kind and attentive and straight-laced. Someone who could provide her and their hypothetical children with a stable future. Someone with whom she could realize her dreams.
Jax was the exact opposite of David. He was dangerous and unpredictable, with a rocky future ahead of him. No matter how much he loved Tara, there would always be other women in the picture, throwing themselves at him. There would be fights and drugs and booze and all sorts of illegal activity. Even if Jax didn't partake, he would always be around it. And where would that leave Tara?
She was on the precipice of having to make some hard choices about her future, and would either have to sacrifice her boyfriend or her education. If she was with someone like David, she would never have to make that choice. They would be looking forward to their futures together, ready to tackle the big, wide world out there. But with Jax permanently rooted in Charming, Tara's world felt very small. Maybe she was suffocating. Maybe that was why she kissed David, to see if he could breathe new life into her. Whatever the reason, it was wrong. She felt it in every fiber of her being. There was no man for her other than Jax. She knew that now.
The clubhouse parking lot was unusually empty. That either meant that everyone had gone home for the day, or they were out working- whatever their "work" entailed. Jax's bike was still parked in its usual spot. Tara smiled.
He was standing near the dresser when Tara opened the door, studying his reflection in the mirror as he pulled on his kutte. Tara took a deep breath, finding an odd sort of strength in her deception. Jax wasn't the only one with a secret now. She tiptoed up behind him and wrapped her arms around his perfect chest. He turned around and embraced her briefly, planting a quick, ambiguous peck on her forehead.
As he began to pull away, Tara grabbed the collar of his kutte with both hands and pulled him closer. She kissed him with an urgency that took his breath away. He responded hungrily, losing himself in her for a moment. He slid his hands up the the inside of her shirt, along her spine. She pressed her body into his, twisting her hands in his hair. Then her thumb brushed up against a jagged line of raised skin on his scalp, and the budding doctor within her couldn't ignore it. She ran her fingers over the scar a couple of times. It was swollen and still somewhat fresh.
Jax recoiled, almost pushing her away, his lust replaced with anger.
"What is that?" Tara asked. "Is that a scar? What happened?"
"It's nothing," Jax growled. He grabbed his wallet off the nightstand and shoved it in his back pocket. "I gotta go."
Tara's heart sank. She threw her arms around his neck and kissed him again, trying to persuade him to stay. "Don't go," she murmured against his lips. "I need you." Jax pulled away again, this time a little more slowly. Not even so much as a smile.
"Duty calls," he said simply. Tara nodded, sinking down into her favorite chair in defeat. When Jax reached the door, he stopped.
"Hey, what are you doing home so early? I thought you were working until six?"
Tara shrugged, deciding in that moment that she wasn't going to tell him anything. If he was determined to keep her at arm's length, two could play that game. "Slow night," she lied.
Jax nodded, accepting her answer easily. And then, without even an "I love you," he was gone. Once again, he'd put the club before Tara. She wiped away angry tears as she sat alone in her tiny apartment.
"Stop it," she hissed, refusing to feel sorry for herself. This was the life she'd chosen. Now she just had to find a way to actually live in it.