"What the hell are you doing, Tara?" Donna sat beside her disheveled friend on the futon in her living room, holding a bag of frozen peas to her knuckles. Tara winced in pain. "Sorry. Does that hurt?"
Tara shook her head. "No. I don't know. I still can't even feel it."
"How hard did you hit her?" Donna marveled, watching Tara's bruised fist swell before her eyes.
"I didn't hit her." Tara's breathing was ragged, still hitching in her chest every couple of seconds. "I hit him."
"Jax?!" Donna's voice rang through the small apartment. Both girls listened quietly for a minute, trying to determine if Ellie's nap had been interrupted. "You hit Jax?" Donna whispered, giggling in disbelief. Tara had never known anyone to be as amused by domestic violence as Donna seemed to be. Her friend was a weird one.
"I don't even know what happened," she confessed. I went to TM to pick up my locket, saw Jax's bike, and decided to check the apartment to see if he was there. I opened the door and saw them in bed together and I- I just lost it."
Donna's eyes were wide, her mouth hanging open. "Oh. My. God. Who was she?"
Tara laughed. "I don't even know. I'm not sure. I couldn't see anything other than Jax. I think it might've been that skank I fought at school a couple years ago. Remember her?"
Donna nodded. "Yeah, yeah…I think her name is Wendy."
Tara rolled her eyes. "Fucking bitch." She rested her head against the uncomfortable wooden frame of the futon and closed her eyes, trying to block the mental image of Jax in bed with another woman from her mind. It was pointless. She would never forget it, as long as she lived.
Donna's voice softened. "So what now?"
"I don't know." Tara's voice squeaked as she struggled to keep from crying. How could Jax do this to her? Things had been rough the past couple of months, but she still thought of them as a couple. Was that her mistake? Or had Jax really cheated on her? Either way, how could he? How could he leave her after she'd given up everything for him? Her relationship with her father, for what little it was worth, her friendship with David, her new life in San Diego, her education, her career. She was willing to sacrifice whatever she had to to save their relationship. But how could she stay now that Jax had been unfaithful?
"Want to hear my opinion?" Donna asked.
Tara opened one eye, just slightly, and peered over at her friend. "Does it matter what I want?" Donna laughed and shook her head.
"I think," she began, "that you need to take your psychotic ass to San Diego." Tara inhaled sharply, the words cutting straight through her. "It's not that I want you to leave. I love the shit out of you and so does Ellie. And God knows we could use your help right now. But I look at you, and I just think…this isn't your life. Me? I was always destined to get knocked up in high school and marry Ope. I'm okay with my choices. I'm pissed that he's locked up now, but we always knew that was a risk. I belong here. But you? Tara, you're a fucking genius. You're too good for the club, and you're too good for this town. You're one of those worldly bitches that should be traveling and saving the world and shit. Get out of this hell hole while you still can. Do it for both of us. I need someone to live through vicariously."
Donna squeezed Tara's shoulder, hoping to comfort her sobbing friend. She was only trying to help her, not make things worse. Tara knew that. But Donna's words were painfully true. Tara had known all along that the MC life wasn't for her. She tried so hard to force it, but it was like jamming a puzzle piece into the wrong spot. You might be able to make it fit, but sooner or later, everything else would fall apart because of it. Looking at it that way, this wasn't even really Jax's fault. Jax. His name sent anger coursing through her veins. Fuck that. This was his fault. Every last bit of it. With his shitty, empty promises that he sold to her like magic beans, hiding his true intentions behind bewitching blue eyes.
"I know you're pissed about the whore." Donna said calmly. She could probably tell that Tara was hanging on by a very thin thread. "But honestly, that's the last thing you should be pissed about. Crow-eater indiscretions are part of the life. Just like prison, danger, the occasional gunshot wound. It's gonna happen. This isn't a fairytale. This life is dirty. What you should be pissed about is having to give up your future for Jax. You're a good person, Tara. Too good for all of this. Jax is hot, but he's just a boy. And you're too smart to give up your amazing future for a boy. Right?"
Tara let out a low, frustrated growl. She dragged the heels of her hands down her face, trying in vain to wipe away the endless sea of tears. She could barely breathe through her nose, and her throat felt raw. Her eyes and lips were so swollen, she looked like she was the one who'd been punched in the face.
"What am I gonna doooooo?" she lamented. "I already lost the apartment in San Diego, which is fine, because I wouldn't have been able to afford it on my own anyway. But school starts in ten days. There's no way I can get everything figured out between now and then."
"Didn't you say you had family in San Diego? A cousin or something?"
Tara nodded. "My dad's cousin, Sophia. But I barely know her."
"So?" Donna asked, screwing up her face. Tara laughed. Donna grabbed the phone off the coffee table and waved in in Tara's face. "Call her," she urged, jumping up from the couch. "And then feed Ellie a bottle when she wakes up."
Tara raised an eyebrow. "Where are you going?"
"To get junk food and moving boxes," Donna explained. "We're having a packing party."
With everything she owned in the backseat of her Delta 88, a full tank of gas, and her savings account depleted, Tara said goodbye to Donna and Elllie on a Friday afternoon, just after the three of them had lunch together for the last time. God, she was going to miss them. For the life of her, she couldn't remember why she'd ever hated Donna. She was one of the most phenomenal people Tara had ever known. She was strong, but kind. Compassionate, but never afraid to speak her mind. It was because of her that Tara found the voice she spent so long trying to stifle- her voice. The one that gave her the strength to leave.
She climbed into her car and began a long, slow drive through town. She wasn't sure where she was going as she turned down side streets and crept through neighborhoods and business districts. It was almost as if her car had a will of its own, and was being pulled toward something. Tara found herself somewhat surprised as she turned onto her old street, and into her father's driveway.
The lawn was overgrown and his car was filthy, but that was nothing new. Tara climbed the porch steps with confused determination. When she reached the front door, she wasn't sure whether to knock, or just walk in. You're a grown woman, she reminded herself. This isn't your home anymore. You knock. She tapped lightly on the door three times, and resolved to leave if her father didn't answer within two minutes. He was probably passed out drunk, anyway.
After about a minute, she heard footsteps as her father approached. He pulled open the door slowly. He didn't seem surprised to see Tara at all, which was strange. True to her word, she had stayed away since the day her father kicked her out.
"Hi, Dad," she said with a polite smile. "Mind if I come in for a minute?" He stepped aside to allow her passage into his cluttered home, which reeked of booze and garbage. Tara pretended not to notice. She made her way into the living room, and seated herself on the couch. She waited for her father to follow. Without a word, he plopped himself down in his favorite chair, the one Tara's mother used to rock her in when she was little. He looked older than he had the last time Tara saw him. His hair was thinning and his white t-shirt was stretched tight over his gut. His skin had taken on a sallow orange hue. He looked tired, but not drunk. Maybe a bit hungover. But underneath all that, Tara could still see the handsome man she once thought hung the moon. "How are you?"
"Same as always," he responded grumpily. "Why'd you come?"
Tara took a deep breath. "I just came to tell you that I'm leaving. Today. I've been accepted into the University of California, San Diego."
Tara's father nodded his head, as if this wasn't news to him. "That low-life going with ya?"
Tara's ears burned. As angry as she was with Jax, she wouldn't tolerate anyone speaking ill of him, especially her father. Despite how they ended, Jax and his family did more for Tara in three years than her father did in her entire life.
"His name is Jax," she seethed. "And no, he's not coming with me." Her father nodded again, seemingly unaffected.
"Probably for the best," he grumbled.
Tara wasn't sure what she expected from him, what she wanted his response to be. But whatever she was looking for, she wouldn't find it in Sean Knowles. She knew that now. She stood up abruptly, smoothing out the creases in her jeans.
"Anyway, I just came to say goodbye," she said hastily. "Sorry to bother you. I need to hit the road." She heard him rise from his chair as she made her way toward the door, but she didn't turn around.
"Tara," he said softly, in a fatherly voice she hadn't heard in a very long time. She froze, her hand on the doorknob. She looked up at her father with tears in her eyes. "I'm proud of ya, kid. You done good for yourself." Tara nodded and smiled, a single tear slipping down her cheek. She bit her lip, unsure what to say.
"Thanks, Dad." Her voice was so quiet, she wasn't even sure he heard her. She walked out the door and back to her car. As she pulled out of the driveway, she saw him standing in the window, watching her go. As quickly as his health seemed to be failing him, Tara wondered if she'd ever see him alive again.
She drove past David's house. His car wasn't in the driveway. It was probably in storage somewhere while he backpacked through Europe with the blonde bimbo. Tara wondered where he was, maybe in Paris or London. She wished she could tell him goodbye. His approval had never been something she'd needed, but it was important to her that he know he didn't have to worry about her anymore. She was going to be okay. Someday.
She drove past the high school, the place where she had so many wonderful memories with Jax. In another month, there would be a whole new class of students, and the outgoing seniors would be nothing more than a distant memory. Or, in Jax's case, a legend.
She drove past the police station, where she'd been taken after being arrested for the first and hopefully only time in her life. Unser was outside talking to a young officer near his patrol car. Soon, that would be David. Tara smiled.
As she passed the cemetery, she made the impulsive decision to stop. It had been a while since she'd had a heart-to-heart with her mom. She quickly found the simple gray headstone among hundreds of others. It was right where she left it. She felt instantly guilty for not bringing flowers.
"Hey, Mom," she whispered, feeling guilty for not bringing flowers. "I just came to say goodbye. But I'm sure you knew that already. I'm going to college to become a doctor, just like I always talked about when I was little." Tara took a seat on the damp ground near her mother's grave. When she was little, she hated visiting the cemetery. Her father would have to bribe her to go. She would often sit in the car by herself and watch as he placed fresh flowers on her headstone, her thoughts focused only on what kind of ice cream she would get on the way home. As she got older, she took solace in visiting her mother's resting place. But by then, her father was bottle deep in his alcoholism, so she always went alone.
Tara touched her fingers to the etching on her mother's headstone, tracing the letters of her name. "God, I miss you," she said softly. "Keep an eye on Dad." She stood up, brushing the dirt from her jeans, and headed toward her car, changing her mind at the last minute. There was one more person she needed to visit.
She'd been to John Teller's grave dozens of time, but never by herself. As she stood facing it, she wondered how different things might be if he'd lived, how different Jax might be. She felt a knot forming in her throat. "Take care of him, please," she managed.
As she walked back toward her car, she saw someone lingering in the trees nearby. The homeless woman she'd once seen there with Jax.
The woman was motionless as Tara approached. "Hello," Tara called out to her, wondering if she might need help.
"Goodbye," the woman said, expressionless.
Tara was a bit taken aback. "Goodbye," she repeated, getting into her car. The woman was still as Tara started the engine. As she began to pull away, the woman approached. She stopped beside Tara's window, leaning down so that they were eye to eye.
"Not all goodbyes are forever," she said, smiling kindly at Tara. Tara was speechless, confused. The woman backed away slowly, then seemed to disappear among the trees. Shaken, Tara had to remind herself that the speed limit inside the cemetery was only ten miles per hour. She wanted out of there as quickly as possible.
Tara headed toward the highway, with one final stop on her "Goodbye Charming" tour. Her stomach churned as she pulled into the TM parking lot. Much to her relief, Jax's bike wasn't there. She parked her car near the entrance to the clubhouse, praying she wouldn't run into Gemma.
Tara walked with purpose past the small crowd standing near the bar, only stopping when she reached the door to the apartment. This time, she knocked. She didn't hear any noise from within. She used her key for the last time to enter the small room that had been her home for the better of two years. There was no trace of her left, no sign that she'd ever even been there. Her heart ached.
She walked to the dresser and grabbed a pen out of the top drawer. She looked around for a piece of paper, finding only the envelope from her college acceptance letter. How fitting. She turned it over, writing everything she had to say to Jax in only four words. She placed the envelope in the center of the bed, then removed her promise ring and laid it on top, along with her key. There was a slight indentation in her finger where the ring had been. It almost looked like a scar. Maybe it was.
Tara took a deep breath, steeling herself before she walked back through the clubhouse and out the door for the final time. As she reached the Charming city limits, she paused, but only briefly. The homeless woman's words resounded in her head as she smiled a sad, determined smile.
"Sorry lady," she murmured. "But some goodbyes are forever."