Okay, another chapter coming right up. I've still got very little idea what this will be about, but I'm already thinking about who of my characters are going to die, and how. But that's a secret, so you'll just have to see for yourselves.

I wasn't originally sure which version of RE1 I was going to do, but I think I'll do the Director's Cut – that was my favorite version of the PS editions, and plus it was creepier to me. I just can't remember really well where the items were in that game… I'll have to get playing.

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Chapter Two: When Birds Ignite

The group of seven had gone through the blue double-doors and after some poking around, found themselves in a long corridor full of cases that contained rather… interesting… items.

"What the hell is that thing??" Alex said, looking in disgust at one of the objects.

"I'm not totally sure, but I can take a wild guess at what it can be used for…" Lynn answered.

"Like what?" Brian asked and they both looked at him funny.

"Use your imagination."

"Uh… Nope, nothing."

"You dork," Alex said, whispering something in his ear.

"They'd use it for that?"

"Possibly," Lynn said.

"So then, what's that?"

"That would appear to be… a half-eaten twinky in a skull?"

"I think we maybe we should get away from this case," Alex said, "It's starting to creep me out – and not a lot does creep me out."

So they moved on to another one. "Is that a can of soda??"

"Yes, looks like the brand I drink," Lynn said, just a tad weirded out. "But it's labeled John Cleese."

"Who's John Cleese?" Brian asked, totally clueless.

"A British actor who was on Monty Python and Fawlty Towers."

"And… Why is there a can of soda with his name on it in the case?"

"How do you expect me to know? Given the twinky back there, I'd say the people here weren't totally with it."

"Aren't you a John Cleese fan?" Alex asked, eyeing Lynn.

"Err… Yeah. So?"

"How do we know you didn't put it in there?"

"Are you a retard?"

"Yes."

"Shut up."

"Ladies – and one gentleman – we've been waiting for you for ten minutes. Come on!" Jill called to them from down the hall.

The three ran down the hall to join them, nearly tripping over the corpses of two more Dobermans that Jill had slain during the absence of their attention.

Once they were all together again, they continued through the door and into another area, where there was a maze of doors.

"This one's locked," Petshez announced, turning the knob of the first door. "You want me to break it down?" Before Jill could answer, he ran headfirst into the door… And nearly knocked himself out.

"I was about to say no thanks, but you didn't give me a chance," Jill said, raising an eyebrow at the balding moron. "Let's go see what's in these other rooms before we go breaking down anything with our heads again, shall we?"

They continued around the corner, and through the next door they found. It was a bathroom.

"A bathroom?" Brian asked, seeming very confused. "Why is there a bathroom?"

"What do you mean? Everyone needs bathrooms," Alex replied.

"No if they're zombies," Brian said matter-of-factly.

"You dumbass, they more than likely weren't zombies when they built the place," Lynn said, and he just looked at her.

"They could have hired someone to build it for them."

"How?! They're not intelligent!"

While the two had their fascinating discussion, Jill decided to gaze in the mirror for the hell of it. But she was so absorbed in the fact that her hair didn't look quite right, she didn't realize that a zombie was sneaking up behind her.

"Oh crap!" shouted Petshez, who was quickly becoming paranoid about seeing the undead humans lurking around. "Oh crap, oh shit, oh crap!"

"What's wrong? Is the toilet dirty or something?" Jill asked, and then she was grabbed by the zombie. She managed to shake it off, and then turned around and shoved it… Right into Petshez.

Petshez shrieked like a raccoon being killed by a bear, and started doing his "grossed out" dance again, gingerly shoving the zombie back towards Jill.

"Why are you playing hot potato?" Alex asked tetchily, grabbing a soap dish off of the sink counter and throwing it at the zombie's face.

The zombie moaned, picking the soap dish up off the floor and trying to eat it.

"You know, now would be a good time to shoot it," Lynn said.

"One problem," Jill answered. "I'm out of bullets."

The five of them exchanged looks. "RUN!"

They all piled out of the room, into the hallway. Once they were sure the zombie wouldn't follow, they continued around the corner, finding a single door opposite double doors.

"Hm. Which way should we go?" Brian asked, taking out the map he had swiped from the statue in the blue room. Then he stared at it, apparently waiting for a response.

"Would you just look at the map already?" Lynn asked.

"Wait. It's about to say something."

"Give me that!" she took the map away from him. "It looks like the single door room leads to a dead end. Let's go there first."

Unfortunately, inside there were three zombies hanging around. Petshez nearly began to cry, while his three students tried to stay close to the door and Jill fought her way over to the shotgun on the wall. Then she took about five minutes to wait for the zombies to make their way over to her before she shot them.

"Well, there's nothing else in here. Let's leave."

As soon as they went back into the previous room, the ceiling began to drop and the door locked.

"Um…" Lynn said, looking at the descending ceiling. "Shouldn't we maybe just go back in the other room? I would assume the shotgun you took probably tripped the trap."

"And what if it didn't? Then we'd be stuck in there," Jill said, standing in the middle of the room resolutely.

"Well, you could always tunnel through the wall. It would be better than getting crushed…"

"What's going on?" Jill suddenly asked, about two minutes late.

"Jill? Is that you?" came Barry's voice from outside of the room. "What's going on?"

"I have no idea," she said, staring up at the ceiling. "But the door is locked."

"Hold on, I'll break it down!" Then he kicked it open. "This way!"

"Well, duh! Where else would we go?" Alex asked as they got back out into the hall.

"Oh, Barry! You saved our lives!" Jill said.

"Although, we could have just put the shotgun back and avoided the whole thing," Lynn added.

"You were almost a Jill sandwich… with student and teacher potato chips!"

"Mmm," Brian said, rubbing his stomach.

"You're right," Jill laughed. "But, Barry, you said you were going to do some research in that dining room. What are you doing here?"

He didn't respond right away. "I thought of something I wanted to tell you."

"So, what was it?" Alex asked.

"Uh… I forgot. But anyway, we should get looking for our missing captain again." He turned to walk away.

"Barry – thanks," Jill said.

"Yeah, yeah."

"That was rather suspicious," Lynn said, looking in the direction Barry had gone.

Meanwhile, in the second floor sitting room…

Wesker was sitting in the rocking chair in the center of the room, watching the two kids that had come with him poke one of the stuffed birds in the corner. He had figured that since these two seemed so stupid, it couldn't hurt to let them tag along and feed them to any monsters he happened to have run-ins with – but now he was beginning to wonder if the monsters would even waste their time on these idiots.

"I'm going to teach the birdie to fly!" Grompone said happily, taking the dead bird off its perch and chucking it across the room. It hit the wall and then the floor with a succession of thuds.

"The birdie doesn't fly very well," O'Shinsky said disappointedly, poking the bird with the toe of his shoe. "Maybe it just needs some help." Grompone joined in on the poking.

"Try setting it on fire," Wesker muttered sarcastically, and the two boys paused their poking of the tropical bird, staring at each other intensely.

"That's a perfect idea. Thanks, Agent Smith!" Grompone said cheerfully clapping his hands.

"I'll just pretend you don't keep comparing me to these people."

They weren't paying any attention, as they had already started trying to set the bird on fire with pieces of wood they'd broken off of something.

"You'll never set it in fire like that," he said, going to rock back in the chair when it suddenly tipped backwards and hit the floor with a loud clunk. "Let me guess. You took the wood from the legs of the rocking chair. You fucking morons…"

No sooner had he said that, than O'Shinsky held up the now flaming bird triumphantly. "Yay! Fly birdie!" Then he threw it, and it landed a little too close to Wesker's head, setting his hair on fire. "Uh… Sorry 'bout that."

"About what? Oh fuck!"

Back with the others…

Jill had led the group through the double doors and into the next area, where they played "What's behind this door?" and eventually ended up in what seemed to be some sort of gallery.

"Why are all these paintings so…?" Brian began.

"Old?" Alex asked.

"Classical?" Lynn suggested.

"Creepy?" Petshez posed, giving the crows perched overhead a cautious glance.

"No. Terrible."

"I think they're depicting some guy's life, or something," Jill said, looking over the first couple again. "What are these buttons for, anyway?"

"I'd imagine they're meant to be pushed," Lynn said with some sarcasm.

"Well, duh," Jill answered starting for the final painting of what appeared to be a depiction of a funeral, "But how'd the crows get in here?"

"Maybe their ecosystem expanded," Petshez replied.

"Into a mansion? All the crows want to live in houses now. Next they'll learn to cook and use telephones," Alex murmured.

"Come on, Alex," the Environmental Science teacher said merrily, "Turn that frown upside down!"

"Charlie Brown?" Brian asked.

"What? No – how did you get that out of what I said?" Petshez scratched his bald spot in confusion.

"Maybe if I push this button…" Jill trailed off, pressing the button under the funeral picture after she had played around with the order of the others.

The picture fell off the wall, and she pulled out a crest. "Huh. What is this for?"

"Caw-caw!" Petshez was saying to the crows for no apparent reason, when his chrome dome caught the light from the spotlights where the crows perched, and blinded the birds. They began flying around, cawing nastily. "Caw?"

They all flocked to him, covering him like a crow blanket.

"I'm outta here!" shouted Brian, running for the door like mad, and joined by the three ladies.

Safely outside, they assumed the teacher was dead and bowed their heads for a eulogy by Brian. "Joy to the world, the teacher's dead. Crows pecked off his head. What happened to the body, we flushed it down the potty - "

"Who's head?"

There was Petshez, covered in bird crap and black feathers, but without any trace of even a scratch.

"We thought you died," Jill explained, and Petshez shook his head with a smile.

"Nope. I asked, and they just wanted to steal my watch for nesting material."

They stared at him.

"Right…" Jill said uncomfortably, "We're leaving now."

"What? The crows like Rolexes."

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Eh… I really didn't want to end it there, but I couldn't think of anymore right now. I'm also feeling sort of… un-funny… I dunno why. I guess it's because I have so much serious stuff on my mind, that I need a dose of comedy. Well, the next chapter I'll try to make more entertaining. For now, I've got to go take care of some things.

TTFN – ta ta for now! (Damn you, Tigger…) Anyway, I'll be back – so let me know what you think! And maybe give me a suggestion for who should die first…