AN: I'm home again! It's good to be back - I missed Brownie - but I already miss the sun and the pretty cities... but, well, much to look forward to this week - Sister Act on Thursday and I'll be going to London for four days on Sunday!
This chapter is not very happy, either, but it gets better from next chapter onwards... and I solemnly promise you all that Galinda will slap Fiyero.
Chapter 24. Mourning losses
Fiyero refused to listen to Galinda, however.
"If Elphaba has to say something," he said, "she's going to have to come here and say it herself. I'm done with all this, Glin. Maybe she was right and our relationship was just all wrong." He shook his head. "It's gotten so complicated. All we ever do these days is fight. And I know I was mean to her, but she's been mean to me, too. I've been trying to win her back for months, but she just doesn't want to. It's over."
"It's not over!" Galinda insisted desperately. "Fiyero, she still loves you!"
He smiled a bit sadly at her. "Glin, I love the fact that you're always so romantic and see the best in every person and every situation, but you need to open your eyes and really look at this, at us, objectively. She doesn't love me anymore. We're not going to get back together. I've accepted that now, and I'm just going to try and move on, rather than linger in a past that can no longer be real."
Elphaba, in turn, refused to talk to Fiyero.
When Galinda told her what the prince had said, she shrugged.
"He's right," she said. "And I guess I was, too. There's just no happy ending for us, Galinda. Not every relationship works out. He's not ready for this and I guess I'm not, either. Maybe we were just not meant to be."
"Of course you are!" Galinda tried to make her friend see reason. "Elphie, if you'd just go and talk to him –"
"We'd only end up fighting again," said Elphaba softly. "I don't want that. I can only take so much, Galinda. I don't want to stand there and scream obscenities at him again as he yells all kinds of horrible things at me that will keep haunting me for weeks because I wonder if they're true."
"Oh, Elphie, they're not true!" Galinda shook her head. "You shouldn't think like that!"
"Why not?" Elphaba said bitterly. "I already know I'm a failure and an abomination. Father has told me that often enough. So maybe Fiyero is right, too, and I can add 'liar' and 'witch' and a dozen other things to the list as well."
"No!" Galinda tried to hug her friend, but the green girl turned away from her.
"It's just easier this way, Glin," she said quietly. "I ignore him, he ignores me. At least that way neither of us will get hurt again."
"But by ignoring one another, you are getting hurt and so is he! Can't you see that? You belong together, Elphie!"
Elphaba didn't say anything else and Galinda gave up, feeling powerless. She had no idea what else she could do to help her friends.
After two weeks, Elphaba, Nessarose, and Boq left back for Munchkinland, and Galinda returned to Gillikin. Fiyero watched them go with a mix of relief and regret. At least if she wasn't around anymore, there would be no more fights… but at the same time it meant that she wasn't around anymore, and despite everything, he hated that.
His mother came to talk to him a few days later.
"You should not have blamed her for the fact that your father and I agree with her, Fiyero," Queen Lori said softly. "She hasn't done anything. We simply think that she is right. You loved Aliyra very much, sweetie, I know that, and I don't think you gave yourself the time to grieve. You've spent so long trying not to feel and pushing everything away, but that's not healthy."
"There are a lot of things I shouldn't have done or said to her," he muttered. "And there are a lot of things she shouldn't have done or said to me." He sighed unhappily. "I miss her."
Lori smiled sympathetically. "You love her, Fiyero. I understand, and I'm so proud of you for that." She squeezed his hand. "But sometimes just love is not enough. You need to be at peace with yourself in order to ever be able to happy with her, Yero. Talk about what's bothering you. Allow yourself to cry over Aliyra, or mourn her in any other way that feels good to you."
He shook his head. "I can't."
"Yes, you can. And you should. If not for yourself, then for them – both Aliyra and Elphaba."
He bit his lip. "Mum…"
"I don't think it's too late yet," said Lori. "She can forgive you, but you have to forgive yourself first… and her as well. Yero, if you don't get over yourself and deal with this in a mature way, you're going to lose her forever."
"But…" He stared down. "Mum, I can't talk about Aliyra," he said quietly. "I can't."
"If you can't talk about her," Lori said with a smile as she rose to her feet and moved over to the desk to get a small notebook and a pencil, which she held out to him, "then write."
He stared at the things in her hands.
"Consider it a diary," she said. "Just write about her. The good memories and the bad ones. The things you love and miss most about her. All your regrets, your hopes, your thoughts and feelings. Everything."
He took the notebook from her hesitantly, staring down at it.
"I'm going to join your father in the meeting with his advisors," she said. She kissed the top of his head. "Good luck."
Fiyero chewed the back of his pencil as he thought about his mother's idea, mulling it over in his head. Finally, he made a decision.
He opened the notebook and started writing.
They left back for Shiz after the summer. Classes started again and Elphaba seemed a little more settled now that she had something to distract her from Fiyero. She threw herself into her studies, trying her hardest and working on her courses every single free minute she had, keeping herself busy.
Fiyero was doing quite the opposite, resorting to parties and alcohol and not doing anything about his studies. He failed every essay and test he had in those first weeks, but he didn't seem to care. When he wasn't drunk, hungover, or nowhere to be found, he was moody and cranky, snapping at everyone who tried to come near him.
Sometimes he would notice Elphaba glancing at him from across the courtyard or the cafeteria, this look in her eyes that he couldn't decipher. If he caught her doing that, he always snatched the nearest pretty girl towards him and kissed her full on the mouth, making sure Elphaba would see. She didn't love him anymore, anyway, so why should he care about what she thought? She refused to even acknowledge his presence these days. Well, he'd show her what she was missing out on.
She always looked away, sometimes leaving the room. A part of him was glad he got a reaction out of her – did that mean she still cared? – but another part of him felt horrible every time he saw it. He wasn't really sure why. Wasn't that what he wanted? To hurt her? She'd hurt him, too, after all. He had every right to hurt her in return.
Galinda came to talk to him a few more times, but he didn't listen to her; nor did he listen to Boq or Nessarose. Even the latter had tried to reason with him, but he had bluntly told her to go away and leave him alone. He was miserable. He was always surrounded by Avaric and his other partying friends, not to mention all the pretty girls he hung out with day and night, but he still felt alone.
He realised he was fooling himself. Of course he didn't want to hurt Elphaba. No matter how hard he tried to deny it, he still loved her. He was just trying to make this all easier on himself, because he knew she didn't love him back. Not anymore. He felt ashamed of himself, because she didn't deserve him hurting her even more. Hadn't he hurt her enough already?
He wished there was a way to fix everything, but he just didn't know how.
The funny thing, he thought wryly as he sat on his bed and stared at the picture on the mantelpiece across from him, was that ever since Elphaba had broken up with him, he had barely thought about Aliyra anymore. The thing that had basically started this all had now almost completely disappeared from his mind. He could only focus on Elphaba and how to get her back at first; and after that, he went over their fights over and over again in his head… but Aliyra had disappeared to the background. He didn't even dream about her anymore. Instead, he dreamt of Elphaba, of songs and music lessons, massages and fights, kisses, dances, and yelling.
He hadn't written in his notebook anymore since he had come back to Shiz. He wasn't sure why. Maybe because drinking and partying was so much easier than writing down his thoughts and feeling, having to face them all over again.
One evening, though, after a particularly miserable day – which had started with a horrible hangover and ended with Galinda getting mad at him for 'destroying not only your last remaining brain cells with this behaviour, but also your chances with Elphie!' – he pulled out the notebook and without really thinking about it, he started writing.
He wrote the story of him and Aliyra as kids, the way they had played together and made up games. He wrote of how they fell in love and of their relationship, of her illness and the way he had lost her.
He then wrote down everything he had felt after her death – the helplessness, the grief, the frustration. He described the way his father threw himself into his work and his mother's attempts to help Fiyero get through it, and his response to that of pushing her and everyone – and everything – else away. He wrote of the way he tried to 'deal' with everything by partying and having fun with other girls, right up until he had met Elphaba and she had changed his life for good. He described her and their relationship, too – first as friends, later as more than just that – and he took his mother's advice to heart, writing down everything he regretted and should have done differently with the green girl.
By the time he was done, the notebook was nearly full and it was three in the morning. The room around him was completely dark, save for the single candle burning on the desk beside him. He stared at it for a few moments before slowly closing the notebook and putting his pencil down. He rose to his feet and stood in front of the window for a long time, gazing out of it without really seeing anything before closing the curtains, blowing out the candle, and going to bed.
When Galinda passed by one of the classroom buildings of Shiz University one day, she frowned slightly, slowing down. Did she hear music? Where was that coming from?
She approached the window ahead of her, the music growing louder. It was a piano. And then someone started singing.
"I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone…"
Galinda frowned. She knew that voice… didn't she? She crept closer to the window, peering through it. What she saw made her gasp.
"Do you see how much I need you right now?
When you're gone the pieces of my heart are missing you…"
The blonde could only stare into the room with her eyes and mouth wide open. She realised she shouldn't be so surprised. Elphaba had told her that Fiyero had given her piano lessons, after all, and that she had sung for him… this must be the music room Elphie had told her about.
"When you're gone the words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it okay
I miss you."
"I knew it!" Galinda yelled, pointing one finger through the open window at her roommate. "You still love him!"
Elphaba, who had nearly gotten a heart attack at the sudden screeching of the blonde, put a hand over her heart, looking pale. "Sweet Oz, Galinda! How long have you been standing there?" she demanded in a high voice.
Galinda waved her hand at the green girl. "You should tell him, Elphie."
Elphaba shook her head. "Never."
"But he's miserable without you!"
"He's miserable without Aliyra," Elphaba corrected her. "He doesn't want me anymore."
Galinda pouted. "But Elphie!"
"No, Galinda."
The blonde thought quickly. If only there was a way for her to make Elphie see that Fiyero still loved her… or to make Fiyero see that Elphie still loved him.
Then she came up with an idea.
"Do you do this often, Elphie? " she asked softly. "Coming here to play and clear your mind, I mean?"
Elphaba shrugged. "Sometimes," she admitted. "It helps, I think… a little."
Galinda smiled. "That's good."
"Yeah." Elphaba rose to her feet and grabbed her bag.
"You don't have to stop because of me!" Galinda protested, but her roommate shook her head.
"I was going to stop soon, anyway," she said. "I'm tired."
Not for the first time, Galinda noted the dark circles under her friend's eyes. She had gotten thinner, too, over the past months. The blonde sighed and shook her head. "Elphie, shall we go and get some dinner together?"
"No, thanks," said the green girl. "I'm not hungry."
"You hardly ever eat anything anymore, Elphie."
"I just don't have much of an appetite, that's all." She swung her bag over her shoulder and looked at the blonde. "I think I'll just go to sleep early. You go. Maybe Nessa and Boq will want to join you," she suggested.
Galinda made a face. "Yes, because I so enjoy watching them suck one another's faces off," she muttered.
Elphaba laughed. "They're not that bad."
"They're not," Galinda agreed, "but they are pretty mushy, always holding one another's hand, and kissing… I'll just go and ask Shenshen, Pfannee and Milla instead, thank you very much." She looked at her friend worriedly. "Are you sure you don't want anything?"
Elphaba shook her head. "I'm fine."
"Okay. If you say so." Galinda bade her friend goodbye and left, pondering things over in her head. She smiled slightly at the thought of what she was going to do.
Galinda Upland had a plan.
The song is When You're Gone by Avril Lavigne.
I'm going to try and finish posting both Dances with princes and Days of summer before I leave for London on Sunday, because I won't be taking my laptop with me, which means a four-day hiatus, and I hate putting things on hiatus... not sure if I'll make it, though. We'll see.