And now the thrilling conclusion, except this time, it's for real. Wait, I literally said that last chapter. I guess I'm feeling particularly self-loathing. I mean, Season 8 finished up, three trials and all that. What's the deal with Crowley, am I right? Also that angel chick, like Naomi or whatever?
Who really gives a shit at this point?
I mean, seriously, there is no coherence in any of it. Supernatural I mean. It's to be expected I suppose, the writers seem to be just stringing together a bunch of unrelated plot points in script form, but sweet Jeremy Carver, is it awful or what?
(The only acceptable answer is a resounding "Yes. Hell Yes. Hell Fucking Yes.")
THE STORY NEVER ENDS.
AND THEY WILL NEVER LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
Unknown Location, USA 9/8/13
"We need to talk about Kevin," grimaced Dean, putting aside the cake he had been shovelling into Castiel's mouth for the last portion of the previous chapter.
"Hey Kevin," said Castiel through a mouthful of velvet cake.
Kevin waved shyly from the corner of the room.
"I need to read that yet," mused Sam quietly. He was still a little miffed that he was getting none of the cake.
"My name is Kevin," Castiel managed to say through another fist of cake, "Bye Kevin."
And then Castiel became Kevin, and Kevin was no more.
Three weeks later…
The Trans were chilling in Gareth's boat, hanging, max chillaxing, beating box and boxing beats. Mrs Tran stretched out on her hammock, legs stretching out for miles and back arching backwards.
"Yeah," smirked Mrs Tran, pumping her fist triumphantly as she relaxed back down onto the hammock.
"Yup," conceded Kevin (who was still possessed by Castiel), high-fiving his mother.
"Dean 33" Mrs Tran sighed, her eyes all of a flutter.
Kevin poked out his tongue, mischievously. He himself wouldn't mind serving up a little slice of Kevin to that hottie, Dean Winchester. I mean hot damn, those abs.
The Trans were in agreement. Dean was a fine piece of ass and they wouldn't mind giving him some Trans action.
Meanwhile, in Florida…
"I have a sword," growled Dean, pointing the weapon at Benny, his blood brother vampire.
Benny looked pissed.
"I got car keys mann."
Dean smiled. It was clear he had the advantage. With a quick slash of his sword he disconnect Benny from life.
Or undeath.
Because you know. He wasn't technically alive to begin with. But he still wasn't dead.
He was just a vampire, and was like dead but not really.
"What's the deal with vampires anyway," mused Dean to himself, "Are they dead or what?"
"Yes," added Sam from the sideline.
Dean shrugged, seemingly satisfied with the answer and the brothers got all up in the Impala and drove off into the sunset.
Two minutes perpendicularly…
"Megatron…" whispered Castiel quietly, signalling the arch-angel Metatron over to him. He was still transformed as Kevin at this point but had kept the trenchcoat as a distinguishing feature.
Metatron flew over the Castiel lazily, not bothering to correct his pronunciation at all. At this point, he was used to it.
"Optimus Prime, all the way."
"Megaton," began Castiel, "People ion the house let's go."
Castiel paused a moment, something clearly troubling his mind.
"In."
Metatron nodded sagely. Castiel had indeed been grammatically incorrect up until this point. But that was beside the point.
"The McRib is back bitches, it's time to get fat again," Metatron smiled cruelly.
"Yay!"
"Louder."
Castiel drew breath.
"Yaay!"
Metatron smirked.
"Lol. Haha."
Meanwhile, in another fan fiction…
Draco stared at Harry a moment, momentarily performing a double take.
"Goyle, why are you wearing glasses?"
"COS I CAN SEE CREALY NOO" Harry blurted out, nerves overtaking his ability to form comprehensible language.
"Reading? I didn't know you could read," Malfoy replied, though he paused afterwards.
"what? i cant read your question" Harry stuttered, trying to regain composure.
"Hurr durr," chimed in Ron helpfully.
"nop." Malfoy replied.
"Hi," interjected Harry, hoping to restore some semblance of comraderie between the three.
"Nasty, oh poo!"
Malfoy was clearly not enjoying their performance. It was time for Ron and Harry to go all out.
"Dam," Ron smirked, "dat ass is phat."
Malfoy blushed.
"Cut that shit out you colossal maggot. The fuck kind of question is that anyway?"
Harry realised that this was the perfect segue into their questioning. Just in time too, it looked like Ron was beginning to turn ginger.
Time to get the information and blow the joint.
He just had to make sure he didn't blow it.
"Why don't unicorns exist?"
Nailed it.
At this moment Sam, Dean and Castiel burst into the room. They were carrying party supplies and cake.
"Happy Birthday to the ground!" They cheered as they threw the cake with great force at Malfoy's feet.
"Mudbloods! My father will hear about this," Draco squealed with furious anger, "You fuckers are gonna pay."
"Lol, cry moar u horses ass," scoffed Castiel under his breath.
"What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch?" snarled Draco, "I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in Defence against the Dark Arts, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on Dumbledore's Army, and I have over 300 confirmed avada kedavras. I am trained in the dark arts and I'm the top wizard in the entire Death Eater cohort. You are nothing to me but just another mudblood. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on the Hogwarts grounds, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me while possessing an asian? Think again, ass-butt. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of Death Eater spies across Britainand your wand is being traced right now so you better prepare for the oncoming storm, mudblood. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your possession of the prophet, Kevin Tran. You're fucking dead, angel. Double dead. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over six, maybe seven ways, and that's just with my wand. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the Death Eaters and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You're fucking dead, angel."
Suddenly, the Internet Police kicked down the door. They promptly started beating the shit out of Draco.
"You wanna fuck beat this copy pasta dead horse into the ground motherfucker?" the cops spat at Malfoy as they continued pulping him with their fists, "We will beat you like you beat this joke. Beat you until there's nothing but horse bones and gravel."
Castiel looked around awkwardly, while the Winchesters shared embarrassed glanced.
Under the cover of police brutality, Harry and Ron snuck back to Moaning Myrtle's bathroom before the Polyjuice Potion finally wore off.
"So what now?" Sam asked.
Dean shrugged.
"Stranger 1 has disconnected."
THE STORY NEVER ENDS.
TUNE IN NEXT TIME (?) AS WE BEAT THIS DEAD HORSE INTO THE GROUND.
THE FUTURE IS NOTHING BUT HORSE BONES AND GRAVEL.