And now for the thrilling continuation!
Season Ten is coming out in little over a month, so for all y'all Supernatural fans who want a recap, best strap yourselves in. This time, Omegle presents: Supernatural Season Nine, the season where Supernatural finally gets back on track?
Previously on Supernatural…
"Hey Castiel," asked Dean, suddenly raising his gaze from his copy of Mark Danielewski's House of Leaves, "How did you survive the Leviathan's possession?"
"All this talk of your Earth dicks is making me hungry," smiled Castiel, "Why don't you and I find a room, Dean?"
"Yes," laughed Dean and soon Castiel was laughing with him.
Sam just kind of watched from the side like a creep.
Suddenly the Internet Police kicked down the door. They promptly started beating the shit out of Draco Malfoy, who had been lounging around in the room with Dean, Sam, Cas, Harry Potter and Ron Weasley disguised as Crabbe and Goyle through the use of Polyjuice Potion.
As Ron and Harry snuck out of the room before the Polyjuice Potion wore off, the Winchesters just sort of stood around awkwardly and watched the act of police brutality unfold.
Present day… Present time. Hahahahaha!
"You don't seem to understand," Dean said, turning around to face Ezekiel, "A shame. You seemed an honest man."
Ezekiel smiled. He extended his hand to Dean, who sat gripping his brother's dying body.
"You guys wanna have a slumber party?"
Dean frowned.
"I have lost it all. Help me to breathe. Heeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy oooh well ."
"Years later, I still cringe at hearing that," coughed Sam, blood splattering from his mouth as he choked out the words.
"I suppose," replied Ezekiel, "but listen, the top demographic is males between the ages of 18-25. This demographic needs more shows."
A single tear rolled down Dean's cheek. He turned to face Sam, and gestured for him to respond affirmatively.
Sam smiled, "Yeah kinda. You got one?"
"No."
Ezekiel turned to Dean and burst into a beam of light before thrusting his new form down Sam's throat. His soul juices sloshed around in Sam's mouth momentarily, before vanishing down the oesophagus.
Sam's eyelids fluttered and he fell unconscious.
Dean gasped. Sam's wounds had miraculously disappeared. He was fully healed.
Sam's eyes shot open. He turned to speak to Dean, but when he spoke it was with Ezekiel's voice.
"Anyone else think of House of Leaves when they see this?"
Meanwhile in the Men of Letters bunker…
Crowley sat in chains, as Kevin towered over him.
Kevin scowled fiercely.
"Scam Pony, that bastard mare! That damned horse tricked me for the last time."
Crowley chuckled.
"What?"
"Lol," smirked Crowley, "Scam horse?"
"What would you do if a horse scammed you out of $50, 000?" asked Kevin, gesturing wildly.
"I would rethink my life because I just got scammed by a fucking horse."
Kevin threw up his hands. Literally.
He vomited onto the floor, his severed hands flowing from the bile and onto the floor below.
"I'll just see myself out," responded Crowley, staring at the severed hands with abject horror. He got up and left, leaving Kevin sobbing on the ground as he feebly tried to reattach them to his stumps.
Several days later, in Eugene, Oregon…
The seemingly kind-hearted waitress April Kelly approached Castiel's table. She smiled at him, and leaned over towards him, exposing ample cleavage that the angel neither cared for nor understood.
"Do you want to know how hot you are?"
Castiel looked back quizzically.
"Can we talk about something else? Might I suggest: the economy?"
"Or my pussayyyyyy…" whispered April Kelly huskily, her voice laced with sexual desire and a hint of desperation.
"Sure. On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your tightness?"
"7," she shot back a little too quickly.
Castiel nodded approvingly.
"Not too bad."
"How big is your dick," she replied, eager to keep the conversation flowing.
"Six inches."
April's sultry smile slipped. She looked at Castiel disapprovingly.
"Not acceptable. Are you black?"
"Obviously not."
"A shame. I was going to show it to you too."
"I'll try to work on that, somehow," Castiel replied earnestedly. He made a mental note to choose a black man the next time he was shopping around for a new vessel.
"I'm actually a rogue Reaper hired by Bartholomew," she screamed, plunging a knife into Castiel's crotch again and again.
"Haha what the actual fuck?" Castiel replied before picking up his coat and leaving the café.
Unsurprisingly, he left no tip.
In Kansas, 1935
Charlie, Sam and Dean were all chilling in the Men of Letters bunker when suddenly, Charlie accidentally released Dorothy and the Wicked Witch of the West who apparently EXISTED AND WERE FUCKING REAL WITHIN THE UNIVERSE OF SUPERNATURAL BECAUSE FUCKING WHY NOT!? AND THEN-
NOPE.
ACTUALLY, LET'S NOT.
Author's Note: Jesus fucking Christ, this episode. I can't even begin. I just can't. The fucking Wizard of Oz? Come on, Supernatural. You're better than this. At least "Mystery Spot" made sense, because it was the Trickster (or y'know, Gabriel) fucking around with the Winchesters.
But the fucking Wizard of Oz? You can't just be all, "Nah, it's cool, Dorothy was a hunter. Get it? She hunted the Wicked Witch of the West just like Sam and Dean," and expect the audience to be like "Oh yeah, that not only makes sense but is awesome and cool and not at all the stupidest addition to the Supernatural lore to date."
Surely it doesn't get any stupider than this.
Meanwhile in Enid, Oklahoma
Dean turned to face Sam.
"I'm a dog now."
Author's Note: Oh, so not only does Dean become a dog but apparently all animals are sentient? Literally every animal on the planet is capable of intelligent thought?
THIS IS THE MOST HORRIFYING REVELATION IN THIS SERIES TO DATE! EVERY SINGLE BURGER DEAN HAS EVER EATEN IS NOW RETROACTIVELY A HORRIFYING ACT OF DESECRATION OF THE BODIES OF ANIMALS WHO WERE CAPABLE OF RATIONAL THOUGHT AND PRESUMABLY HAD FAMILIES THAT LOVED THEM.
HOW THE HELL HAS DEAN NOT BECOME A VEGETARIAN? CONTINUING TO EAT MEAT AFTER LEARNING THIS, IS EQUIVALENT TO FINDING OUT SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE AND THEN GOING BACK FOR SECONDS! YOU DON'T JUST SHRUG IT OFF, THESE CREATURES ARE DEMONSTRATABLY SENTIENT LIFE.
IN HIS EYES, STEAKHOUSES SHOULD BE EQUIVALENT TO FUCKING DEATH CAMPS! YOU CAN'T JUST SHRUG THIS SHIT OFF MAN!
IN THE SPAN OF TWO EPISODES, SUPERNATURAL HAS SHAT IN THEIR AUDIENCES MOUTH TWICE. SUPERNATURAL NOW APPARENTLY TAKES PLACE IN THE SAME UNIVERSE AS THE WIZARD OF OZ AND DOCTOR FUCKING DOOLITTLE.
FUCK IT MAN, THEY SAID IT WASN'T JUMPING THE SHARK IF YOU NEVER CAME BACK DOWN, BUT JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.
I WANT OFF OF SUPERNATURAL'S WILD RIDE.
FUCK THIS, I'M OUT.
TUNE IN NEVER AGAIN, FOR NOTHING.