Disclaimer I do not own Harry Potter and everything recognisable belongs to J K Rowling.
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Chapter Fourteen
Lily glanced at the clock before taking another shaky gulp of her coffee. It was coming up for ten now and Harry still hadn't come home. She refused to talk about it though. She didn't want to argue with James again. She couldn't understand why James refused to go out and look for him. After everything they had gone through in the past, if it were up to her, she would be outside, searching for him.
Lily let out a frustrated sigh and rubbed at her temples, willing the headache to go away. She was really, really angry with Harry. 'Why does he do this every time?' she thought to herself. This was the third time Harry had run away and it was always on a special occasion. The first time it was at their house warming party. Okay, she admitted that Harry wasn't entirely to blame for that. From what Damien had told her Neville had really upset Harry. So Harry was forgiven for that. The second time was during Damien's birthday party. Again, it was a good reason. Harry couldn't deal with Bella's death and had left to attend her funeral. The thought still caused her heart to twist with jealousy. After everything that woman did to him, Harry still loved her. Lily pushed these bitter thoughts aside, now wasn't the time to think about that. Lily knew that judging from these past events, Harry would have a good reason for leaving the Weasley's. But for the life of her she couldn't figure out what it could be.
When they realised that Harry had stormed out and had left, they had tried to follow him but Harry had just vanished. Damien tried calling him on his mobile phone when they got back home but Harry didn't answer it. Lily felt sorry for Ginny, she had looked really upset. She looked near to tears when she learned that Harry had left. Molly had instantly turned to her boys and demanded to know what they had said to him. But all the boys looked as shocked as everyone else at Harry's abrupt departure. As far as they could tell, Harry was having a good time.
Lily sighed again and drained her cup of the coffee. She was really tired, but she refused to go to bed until Harry came home. She threw James another glare as he sat talking quietly with Remus and Sirius. Damien was sitting quietly in the corner of the room. The pile of presents sat unopened at the foot of the tree. 'Some Christmas!' Lily thought sadly.
James was trying to keep his mind from wandering to Harry. 'The boy is seventeen!' he thought to himself. 'He can take care of himself. I'm not running after him again'. A part of James wanted nothing more than to go out and find his son and bring him back, but James knew that it couldn't go on like this. How many times was he going to go running, looking for Harry? Harry would have to stop doing this.
James looked over at his youngest son, looking miserable. He had tried to get Damien to open up his presents, in a bid to make the atmosphere more relaxed but Damien had refused. He said he would open his presents with his brother. James didn't have any response to that.
Remus and Sirius had offered to go look for Harry, but James made them stay. No one was going looking for him. Harry could find his own way home. James kept a firm grip on his temper. He wasn't going to make things worse that they already were.
A sudden noise snapped everyone's attention to the hallway. Someone had unmistakably opened the front door and had walked in. The five occupants of the room sprang to their feet and rushed out of the living room. They all heard a loud crash and someone cursing. James was one of the first ones to turn around the corner and catch sight of Harry. He was in the process of picking himself up off the floor. He had apparently knocked the coat stand to the floor, hence the loud crash.
Harry looked up at the five individuals standing, staring at him. He gave them a bright grin before getting to his feet.
"Hi!" he said as he straightened up.
"Who put that there?" he asked pointing to the fallen coat stand.
James and Lily stared wide eyed at their son. He was acting very strange. They had never seen him smiling so broadly before. His eyes had a look of drowsiness though. He stood slightly swaying. He took a step towards them and stumbled over his own feet, just catching himself from falling flat on his face again.
Suddenly Lily realised what was wrong with him.
"Are you drunk?" she exclaimed.
Harry looked at her, trying hard to focus at her. He gave her a lop sided grin.
"No!" he said unconvincingly.
At seeing her serious expression, he shrugged.
"Well, okay yes! I had a little drink." He said holding his finger and thumb only an inch apart.
"But I had a few thousand of them." he chuckled and almost lost his balance again.
Despite his rising anger, James moved forward instinctively and grabbed Harry before he fell again. Harry struggled to straighten himself upright and gave James a drunken grin.
"Come on." James said quietly leading Harry towards the stairs. It was obvious that Harry was completely inebriated. It was pointless to question him now. He needed his bed.
Harry freed himself from James' grasp and moved towards the stairs.
"It's okay, okay. I can…manage." Harry's words were slurred and he had to grab onto the banister in order to stay upright.
"Go to bed, we'll talk in the morning." Lily said while Damien moved towards his drunken brother. Harry couldn't manage to go upstairs by himself. It was a wonder how he got home.
Harry brushed Damien away and stared at Lily.
"Okay" he slurred.
Before going upstairs though he turned back to face the group.
"Do you know what?" He started.
"I'll always remember today. I want you to know that…I'll always remember today." Harry said, swaying on the spot.
"And not because today was my very first Christmas. No, not that…"
Lily let out a small gasp. That thought hadn't occurred to her. She was focusing on the fact that this was Harry's first Christmas with his family. She had never realised that this may be Harry's first Christmas altogether.
"…I'll always remember this day because I learned a very important lesson today." Harry's grin slipped off his face and his drowsy eyes seemed to sharpen a fraction.
"I learned that no matter how hard I try…no matter how much I lie to myself, I will never fit in."
James felt like someone had slapped him across the face. Harry's simple statement had left everyone in the room speechless. Harry however wasn't aware of the reaction around him and continued in his drunken state.
"I should have known, really. It should have been obvious. No matter what I do, I'll always be known as Harry, the murderer! Voldemort's assassin...Voldemort's betrayer." even being drunk couldn't mask the pain in Harry's voice.
"Harry…" James started as he took a step near his son.
"No, no. it's alright. It's the truth isn't it? I did betray him. He's right, he's right. I'm evil and cruel. He's right. I shouldn't be trusted." Harry's words were badly slurred but everyone heard him clearly.
Harry's mood had completely changed. There wasn't a trace of a smile anywhere on his face. For the first time the emotional pain he was in was clearly visible.
James was at Harry's side in an instant. He held him by the shoulders, in order to support him.
"Who said that to you?" James demanded. He realised that this had to be the reason Harry had abruptly left the Burrow.
Harry didn't answer James' question. Truth be told he didn't even realise that someone was talking to him. He was too caught up in his own drunken stupor.
"…can't be trusted…he's right…evil…that's what I am. Evil…terrible thing to do…kill your own father, terrible, terrible…"
James stiffened at Harry's words. The tension became almost unbearable. Sirius and Remus stood awkwardly in the midst of this. They could see James' whole body tense at Harry's words. Lily was crying, tears were falling down her face but she made no move to hide them or wipe them away.
Collecting himself the best he could James turned Harry to face him.
"Harry, listen to me. He wasn't your father. Do you hear me? He wasn't your father. I'm your father I'm…" James realised that his words were useless. Harry wasn't coherent enough to listen to him or to understand him just now. Harry wasn't even looking at James anymore. He was staring at the ground, muttering words like 'trusted…killed…father' again and again.
Pushing down the hurt, James grabbed a hold of Harry and started walking up the stairs.
"Come on, Harry. You need your bed." James managed to say through the lump in his throat.
Nobody moved as James led Harry to his room. James carefully laid Harry onto the bed and then transformed Harry's clothes into pyjamas. He tucked him in and had to fight the hurt as Harry was still muttering 'killed my father, I killed my father' again and again even when his eyes were closed.
James conjured a bucket and placed it next to Harry's bed. He would need that during the night. James left and went back downstairs. Lily was sobbing as Remus and Sirius tried to comfort her wordlessly. Damien seemed to upset to say anything. He left for his room and didn't respond as James called to him.
James collapsed onto the sofa, head held in his hands. He had never thought that Harry continued to feel guilty about Voldemort. James was convinced that Harry had worked past his guilt.
James felt another wave of pain attack him as he remembered Harry's words, 'kill your own father'. In his subconscious mind, Harry still referred to Voldemort as his father. Harry still loved that monster! It was too much for James to bear.
He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up to see Sirius.
"Prongs, mate…" Sirius didn't know what to say. He sat down next to James, not knowing how to comfort him.
"I told you."
James looked up to see Lily. She was not looking at him but was clearly addressing him. She sat, arms wrapped around herself.
"I told you to talk to him. I told you he was still hurting, but you didn't listen to me." Lily continued.
"Lily…" Remus started.
"No Moony! Don't stick up for him. This is James' fault!" Lily shouted.
"Stop blaming this on Prongs. What did he do?" Sirius asked at once.
"That's just the problem! He didn't do anything!" Lily yelled, now standing up from the chair.
"Everyone told you to talk to Harry. To help him work past his guilt. But you, you just ignored everyone! You didn't talk to Harry. You didn't let the Healers talk to Harry! You even stopped me from talking to him. You never supported me when I tried to talk to him. 'He's fine Lily. Just leave him alone. Don't bring it up!' Now look where that brought us! It's been five months and he's still torn up about it! He blames himself. Thinks that he's…he's…evil…" Lily broke down and sobbed as Harry's words cut into her. Harry was not evil, he was not cruel. He was good heartened and kind and it wasn't his fault that he had such a dark past.
"How could I help him?" James asked quietly.
"How can I help him to grieve over the loss of someone I hate with every fibre of my being?" James found his voice getting louder, even though he didn't mean for it.
"Tell me, Lily! Tell me how to comfort him. What to say to him? It's not as easy as you say! Harry feels guilty when he shouldn't. Harry regrets killing him. Killing the bastard that tore my family apart! How can I sympathise with him? I can't and I won't! That's why I didn't say anything to him because I knew I would only makes things worse!" James was fighting to keep his tears back, tears of frustration and pain.
Lily didn't reply, she was still standing in the same spot, fighting with her own guilt at not helping Harry.
"We have to do something, James. Harry can't go on like this! We know he's having nightmares of Voldemort. He can't sleep because of his guilt. He has to understand that what he did to Voldemort was not bad; it wasn't an act of evil. He has to understand!"
Remus, Sirius, James and Lily spent a few hours talking about Harry and what would be the best way to tackle his guilt. It all came down to communication. Getting Harry to open up and talk about his feelings.
"Easier said than done!" James muttered angrily. Why could they not understand that Harry wasn't going to open up? What Harry had said tonight was only because he was too drunk to realise it.
It was decided that all four of them were going to help Harry through this. Offer to talk to him, be there when he was good and ready to talk. What else could they do?
James hardly slept that night. Harry's words were swimming in his head all night. He had never thought he would have to suffer Harry addressing Voldemort as 'father' ever again. The fact that Harry said it with so much hurt and love just made it all the more painful.
xxx
Harry opened his eyes and then shut them again quickly. It hurt. His head, his eyes, everything hurt and he felt very, very sick. Blearily, Harry opened his eyes again and waited for his eyes to adjust to the morning light. He looked around to find himself in his bed. He sat up and had to fight the wave of nausea.
'Oh, damn! Why am I feeling so sick?' he asked himself. Only then did the events of yesterday unfold. Harry grimaced as he remembered the disastrous Christmas with the Weasleys'. Well, to be fair, Christmas was nice enough, it was the horrid talk he had overheard between Ginny and Charlie. He had run from there and hadn't stopped until he had put quite a distance between himself and the Burrow.
He had just been wandering around pointlessly, replaying the conversation again and again in his head. He found that he had come to a small muggle town. He headed towards the one place that was open today. The pub. He couldn't remember how much he had to drink. Judging from his ill feeling he must have drunk the place dry.
Harry held his throbbing head and tried to breathe away the nausea. Too late, he scrambled out of his bed and luckily found the bucket. He threw up quite violently. 'God, why did I have so much to drink!'
Harry shakily straightened up and closed his eyes to ease the pain in them. His eyes were burning. He opened them reluctantly and pulled his wand out to clean the mess he made.
It was only when he pulled out his wand from the pocket of his pyjamas to clean the bucket that he noticed two things. One, where did that bucket come from? and two, why was he wearing pyjamas, he didn't remember getting changed. Fighting down a wave of panic, Harry realised that this time his excessive drinking was to blame for his lack of memory.
Harry cleaned the bucket and climbed back into his bed. His parents must have left the bucket for him. Harry suddenly felt very nervous. He must have been a wreck when came home last night. Harry knew he talked a lot when he was drunk, one of the reasons why he never drank too much. He prayed he hadn't talked too much nonsense. He tried to fight the fog that clouded his mind to try and remember what he had said and what had happened last night. But it was too late, he was already drifting back to sleep.
It was midday before Harry woke up again. He felt a little better. He cautiously got up as not to aggravate his thumping headache. At least his eyes felt better. His stomach grumbled. He had not eaten anything since yesterday's lunch with the Weasleys. Harry forced himself not to think about that.
He got out of bed and headed downstairs. He really had to get some food into himslef. As he walked into the kitchen he saw his mum, dad and Damien sitting at the table, half way through lunch. Harry paused at the door. A sudden wave of shame and guilt washed over him. He had totally ruined yesterday for them. 'They must be so angry with me' he thought.
Half of him wanted to turn back and go back to his room. All thought of food had left him. He was just about to turn around when Lily spoke to him.
"You must be hungry. Come, sit down."
She got up and started preparing a plate for him. Harry came and sat down, not wanting to look at any of them directly. Why hadn't he thought about the consequences yesterday? Harry scoffed at his own thought. He never thought about the consequences of anything. That was what made him Harry.
He looked up as James started talking to him.
"You don't look to good. Are you feeling okay?"
"Still feel a bit sick but I'm okay." Harry responded.
"How much did you drink?" James asked as Lily set a plate of food in front of him.
Harry suddenly felt sick again as the smell of the food wafted up to him. Controlling the urge to retch, Harry answered.
"Too much."
Damien choked on his pasta but recovered. He gave Harry a smirk and continued with his lunch.
Harry picked up his fork but couldn't bring himself to actually eat anything. After playing with his food for a while, he pushed his plate away. Lily noticed but didn't comment. Instead she got up and left the room, returning with a small vial.
"Here" she said as she handed him the potion. Harry took it looking questioningly at her.
"It'll help with the hangover." She explained as she started cleaning the table.
Harry mentally thanked her and gulped the potion down in one go. It started working instantly. He felt much better. He noticed how quiet everyone was. Even Damien was quiet. He knew they were all upset.
"Um…about yesterday…" Harry started. James looked up at him and Harry saw a flash of pain cross his eyes.
"I'm sorry." Harry said quickly. He knew it was his fault but he still couldn't bring himself to apologise properly.
"I didn't mean to run out like that. I just…I had to get out, sorry." Harry finished awkwardly.
Damien quickly got up and started clearing away the rest of the dishes, letting his mum come and sit at the table with James.
"Who was it?" James asked. Harry looked up from the table, not understanding him.
"What?"
"The one who said all that stuff to you? Was it Bill? Or was it Percy?" James had been wondering about this last night. Bill and Percy seemed to be the most likely culprits.
Harry had to swallow the rising alarm in him. Did he do what he feared he might have done? Did he blurt out what he had overheard last night? He couldn't have repeated Charlie's words, could he?
"I…I don't understand." Harry said.
James closed his eyes thinking how to phrase his words.
"Who accused you of…of being…who blamed you for Voldemort?" James asked, cursing himself for not being able to ask the question properly.
Harry's face paled and he cursed under his breath. 'Great, this is just what I need!'
"What makes you think…?" Harry didn't finish
"You told us last night, when you came back from your drinking marathon." Lily answered.
Harry admitted defeat. So he had gone and opened his big mouth. Damn him for drinking too much!
"It's not important." Harry said, dismissing the whole topic.
"I think it is. Tell me who accused you." James said apparently not backing down.
"What difference does it make, who it was? Just forget about it. I talk a whole load of rubbish when I'm drunk. Don't pay any attention to it." Harry tried.
"It didn't sound like rubbish. You were really upset and…"
"And today I'm fine! Honestly mum, don't make a court case out of this. Just forget about it." Harry said firmly. His headache hadn't gone completely and this was just making it worse.
James and Lily shared a look that meant that this was how they had expected Harry to react.
"Fine, we'll drop it." James said.
"But you have to make it up to us for yesterday." James continued as soon as Harry had visibly relaxed.
Harry's slightly bloodshot eyes stared up at James in surprise. He sighed deeply before nodding his head.
"Yeah, I know. What do you want?" he asked.
James and Lily shared another glance before answering.
"To talk." they answered together.
"Talk about what?" Harry asked still not catching on.
"About you. About yesterday and why you were so upset." Lily explained.
Harry growled in annoyance.
"I thought you were going to drop this!" Harry said rubbing at his head.
"I want to know what was said to you. I want to know who it was that upset you for no reason." James continued.
"Nobody said anything to me! Why can't you just let things be?" Harry yelled, losing his patience.
"Because I just can't! I refuse to accept someone behaving like that with you. You were really upset and I want to know why!" James yelled back.
Harry got up suddenly from the table and moved towards the door.
"Harry, please…" Lily said as she and James both got up as well.
"I'm going to my room." Harry announced without turning back.
"Harry! Wait!" James yelled but he was too late. Harry had already left the kitchen.
He heard Harry's door slam shut. James and Lily both sat down in defeat.
"So much for talking to him." James growled out. Lily didn't answer him.
xxx
Damien waited for Harry to cool down before going to talk to him. Honestly his parents had no sense at all, attacking Harry like that with their questions. They could at least wait for Harry to be in a better mood.
Like always, Harry opened up to Damien. He told him about the argument he overheard between Ginny and Charlie.
"I was wondering why Charlie was so quiet. He's usually a great laugh." Damien told him.
"I guess that answers that question." he muttered to himself.
"Harry, I have to ask though. Why did you get so upset?" Damien asked after Harry had finished.
"I mean I understand that it must be hard to hear someone talking about you like that, but you usually don't give a damn about what someone says. Why did you get so upset over what a stranger said?" he asked.
Harry stared at the spot in front of him. He didn't answer right away, which Damien knew meant that Harry was choosing his words carefully.
"Do you what I hear every time someone talks about Voldemort death?" Harry asked, his eyes staring out in front of him, not looking at Damien.
"No" Damien answered, surprised at the question.
"I hear the underlying happiness that he's gone. I hear the gratefulness that Voldemort isn't here anymore. I can understand that. I don't kid myself, Damien. I always knew what he was. What he represented to the world. His 'Death Eaters' and the 'Dark Mark', everyone feared him. I didn't focus too much on that. He was a leader, a fighter and his purpose was one that no one really understood. That was why they feared him because they never understood him." Harry was saying this all without looking at Damien. As if it was somehow easier to say if he wasn't looking at him.
"When someone talks about his...his death, they say my name as if I am a hero." Harry laughed bitterly at this.
"They think that I killed him so that somehow makes me a good person."
"I know that I'm not a good person. I don't lie to myself. I've done things, my assignments…I'm not going to bury it all and pretend that it never happened." Harry's hands were clasped and it looked like he was using all the energy he had to keep going.
"Yesterday, when Charlie said all that stuff, he said it as it was. He didn't talk about me with pride or with a delusional image of me as the saviour of the world. He said everything as it was. I'm a murderer. I'm cruel and evil. I know that. I don't resent it. I never will. For once I heard someone talk about me truthfully."
Damien was about to argue but Harry didn't let him.
"But when he said what I did to Voldemort…he didn't say that I killed the evil Dark Lord or that I freed the world. He said that I killed him. The man that I had called my father. The one who had brought me up. No one has ever said that to me before. It was as if someone had taken my thoughts and said them out loud. I wasn't prepared for that. It threw me off and I couldn't stand being there anymore."
Damien was struggling to keep back his own emotions as Harry kept talking.
"Do you know the one thing that I was always very proud of? My loyalty. I would argue with Bella for hours that I was the most loyal one out of the lot. I would happily give my life for him. I always thought that I would die protecting him." the last words were almost whispered and Harry's gaze shifted to Damien.
"I never thought this would happen, Damy. I never thought I would turn against him like I did. Hearing Charlie say that I was untrustworthy, that I betrayed Voldemort...he was so brutally truthful. What he said was right. How am I supposed to fight that?"
Damien had moved from across the room and was kneeling in front of Harry.
"You can't think like that, Harry. You know that's not true. Charlie was being a jerk! He was talking rubbish. You did what you had to." But no matter what Damien said, Harry didn't accept it. He still claimed himself to be disloyal and not trustworthy.
Damien didn't break down until he reached the privacy of his own room. He had never thought Harry was beating himself up so much over Voldemort. If anything it was his fault! Harry only attacked Voldemort because he thought that Voldemort had killed Damien. But yet, Harry still loved Damien, more than anything. He was taking the blame solely on his own shoulders.
Damien knew he would have to do something, anything to fix this. He decided to talk to Hermione when he got back to Hogwarts. She would definitely know how to help Harry.
xxx
James and Lily tried but failed to talk to Harry about what had happened on Christmas. Damien didn't tell his parents about what Harry had confided to him. He knew they would only force Harry to talk to them and Harry clearly didn't want to.
The holidays went by quickly and before they knew it, they were back at Hogwarts. Ginny had rushed to Harry and had thrown her arms around him, hugging him tightly as soon as he stepped into the common room.
"I'm so sorry, Harry! God, I'm so sorry!" she said near to tears.
She had figured out the reason Harry had left and was too angry with Charlie to do anything about it. She knew enough about Harry to leave him alone so that he cooled down.
Harry reassured her that he was fine and that he wasn't upset, not with her anyway. The group of five sat in the crowded common room. Harry was fighting to stay awake. He had an awful time back home. He couldn't take anymore sleeping potion as he was on a break from them and had subsequently suffered nightmares. He had not slept at all and his whole body ached from his lack of rest.
"Hey, mate. You look like crap!" Ron joked as he sat next to him.
"Thanks" Harry joked.
"Seriously, Harry. Are you okay? You look…ill." Hermione said staring at him in concern.
"I'm fine. Just recovering from the cold. How was your skiing trip?" Harry asked nicely removing the focus of attention from himself. Hermione started explaining her holiday in full detail, letting Harry relax.
The next morning Harry was sitting in the Great Hall for breakfast. He was feeling a lot better, he had slept soundly last night. He didn't know if it was because he was so tired or if it was a result of being back at Hogwarts. He inwardly joked that it was Hermione's storytelling that had put him to sleep. That was the last thing he remembered.
Harry was staring at the Slytherin table. He was trying to see if Draco was back yet. He hadn't seen him yesterday at the returning feast. It worried him slightly.
After a few moments though, Draco Malfoy walked into the Hall, followed by his usual crowd of friends. Harry smiled despite himself. Draco looked at the Slytherin table with barely suppressed excitement. The Slytherins were pleased to see him again as well. They cheered loudly as he entered and made his way over to sit near the middle. It was apparent that no one knew of Draco's help in defeating Voldemort. If they had known that Severus and Draco had helped lead the Ministry to Voldemort, most of Slytherin would not want him back.
Harry found his gaze diverting to Dumbledore at the head table. He wondered how the old wizard did that. How he managed to manipulate the media so that certain facts were kept hidden. No one really knew what had happened to lead Voldemort into Hogsmeade that day. No one knew of Severus' and Draco's involvement or even Damien's for that matter.
Harry shook his head to clear away the images that had popped into his mind. Just as they were preparing to leave for their first class, the owls came swooping in, delivering all sorts of mail. As usual a brown owl came and delivered a copy of the Daily Prophet to Hermione. She dropped a Knut into the leather pouch and unrolled her copy. She froze as she stared at the front page. Suddenly the entire hall filled with an eerie silence.
Harry turned his head to look at his parents, sitting at the head table. They looked up from the paper, white faced and stared directly at Harry.
Harry didn't have to look at the paper to know what had happened. He didn't even have to register what Hermione was saying to him. He knew just by looking at his parents panic stricken faces.
The Dark Prince had attacked again.
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