Chapter 12: Helmet 798 Returns!

Every character in the theater was waiting. Either bored or nervous, as they waited for the author to finally update this freaking story! Well, except for Justin, who was too focused on texting beauty tips to Anne Maria to notice that Helmet 798 had forsaken this story.

Noah sighed. "It's pretty much been a year. When will we conclude this bloody challenge?"

"When Helmet 798's schedule gets less hectic!" Chef responded on my behalf. "And since when did you start using British lingo?"

Noah shrugged. "Beats me. I just read the script, regardless of how awkward the dialogue is."

"Look on the bright side Noah." Harold said. "At least we've gotten lots of time to rest while we wait for the story to be updated." Harold then pulled out his 3DS, and started playing Tomodachi Life.

"Rest?" Tyler asked with a slight scoff. "We've rested long enough! Let's do some extreme warm-up exercises to prepare for when this story finally updates! Let's start with some EXTREME push-ups!"

Tyler leaped out of his seat and started doing push-ups in the aisles right next to the seats. Unfortunately, Tyler pushed up too strong, and his hands ended up smashing through the wooden floor.

"OUCH!" Tyler yelled, pulling up his hands, revealing several nasty splinters lodged in his fingers.

"I'll pass on the 'extreme' push-ups." Noah said, making quotation marks with his fingers when he said 'extreme.'

"Tyler does have a point though." Courtney said. "We should do something productive until Helmet finally decides to come back. Maybe we could do a fun team-building exercise that I learned as a C.I.T."

"Geez, you're still talking about being a measly Counselor-In-Training?" Viktoriya asked. "By now I expected a woman of your caliber to be doing far greater things."

"Like what?!" Courtney and Cody yelled back simultaneously at the Russian Overachiever.

"Maybe working part-time at your parent's business?" Viktoriya asked rhetorically with a smirk, as she reached into her pocket and pulled out a company I.D. "Even though I'm going to High School full time, I'm so well organized that I can help out with the finances of my Father's computer corporation."

Jerome scoffed. "You probably got that job thanks to Nepotism, you no good…."

"ON THE CONTRARY!" Viktoriya interrupted with a yell. "I applied for that job under a false name just to prove that I am so amazing that I could get a job at a major corporation while still in high school!"

Jerome crossed his arms as he rolled his eyes. "Oh you're amazing all right. Amazingly arrogant! When will you stop with your condescending attitude Jerk-toryia?"

"I will stop looking down on all of you when you pitiful teens actually do something of value and rise up to the point that you can look into my eyes." Viktoriya responded haughtily.

"I'll do something of value." Jerome said with a growl in his voice. "I'll push you down Viktoriya! Both figuratively off your high horse AND literally to the ground!"

"Calm down Jerome!" Bridgette exclaimed, rising up from her seat. "Don't use violence to solve your problems! And don't be misogynistic! "

"Yeah!" Pablo yelled out in anger. "Shame on you for even THINKING about hitting a woman!"

Jerome rolled his eyes. "My nature is to bring Justice by wiping out the wicked by any means necessary. So I will beat the tar out of anybody; man or woman, teen or senior, rich or poor, if they are performing acts of wickedness. Thus, Bridgette, it is not "misogynistic" for me to use violence to deal with Viktoriya. It's a form of equality!"

"Oh yeah." Viktoriya deadpanned. "It isn't sexist at all to beat up women. You truly are the most socially progressive guy out there."

Jerome frowned. "Don't twist my words you pompous harlot!"

Viktoriya scowled and bellowed "Don't insult ME you retarded savage!"

"Calm down!" Gwen said standing up. "No need to use slurs in your screwed-up flirting."

"Sheesh, not this cow crap again!" Jerome explained. "We are not flirting right now! We are verbally abusing each other!"

"In crappy fan-fiction those two things are synonymous." Jo snarked.

"Hey! My writing's not that crappy!"

Everybody in the audience gasped. They looked on the stage where the three judges were. There was a fourth person there. He was a slightly over-weight twenty year old male with red hair down to the bottom of his neck. He was carrying a notebook filled with sketches, story concepts, song lyrics, and church notes. He had thick sideburns, a thin mustache, a carefully trimmed goatee, and a fedora. He looked like a woman-hating, pony-loving Atheist, but he actually was a woman-loving, pony-loving Christian.

Who are you?" Cameron asked.

"I am the author of this story." I declared, pushing up my glasses. "Call me Helmet 798."

"I'm not gonna lie." Heather said. "With your long hair and goatee you kind of look like…"

"Alejandro?" I asked, smugly pushing my hair back.

"Harold." Heather answered. "Only a lot chubbier."

I sighed. "Really? You had to comment on my weight?"

"I think she's referring more to the fact that Harold is skinnier than a stick-insect that got liposuction." Noah quipped. "And you are the one writing this story right? So why complain? Have crippling self-esteem issues?"

"What tipped you off Sherlock?" I asked the Bookworm. "My self-deprecating sense of humor or the author's notes describing my personal battles with perfectionism?"

Noah paused for a short time. "You really are the author of this story, huh?"

"Well, the narrator is referring to him in the first person." Jo remarked.

"Enough with the wise-cracks!" Chef yelled. "This isn't a contest to see who can be the biggest smart-"

"Actually, it is." I interrupted.

"Count me out." Noah said, going back to reading his book. "I'm not in the mood for Snark-to-Snark combat."

"Can you at least tell us your name?" Cameron asked Me. "It's really awkward to suddenly read a first-person Narration."

"Just call me Doug." Doug responded. "I have some good news and bad news. The good news is that I will be writing a series of short spin-offs starring all of you!"

"I take it the bad news is that this story is going on hiatus?" Mike commented.

"That's correct Mike." Doug responded.

"How was this story not on hiatus before?" Duncan asked. "You haven't updated in a year!"

"I never made the hiatus official, so I want to do that, and tell you that I will continue writing this story in 2015."

"Isn't it against the rules to make an announcement about a story's status within the story itself?" Zoey asked.

"Yeah!" Jerome yelled. "You can't just break the fourth wall and waltz in the story to make official announcements!"

"I can't break the fourth wall?" Douglas restated with indignation. "That statement implies there was a time when this story had a fourth wall."

Noah looked up from the book he was reading "He has a point."

"Anyways! I wanted to talk to all of you guys and get you pumped up for Total Drama Fan-Fiction Theater's first major production: Hamlet!"

"I think I saw that one." Owen said. "Isn't that William Shakespeare's version of Lion King?"

Noah slapped the book he was reading against his face. "Owen, why must you open your mouth and kill everything I hold precious?"

"Calm down Noah! Get the rest that your name implies. Anyways, I'm heading out!" Doug said, pulling out a bazooka and blasting a hole in the roof.

Trent opened his mouth to ask the author for a line of dialogue, but a chunk of the roof fell down, knocking the guitarist unconscious. Sierra, who was earlier taking pictures of Doug with her smart-phone, rushed over to Trent in order to tend to his wounds.

A helicopter dropped down a rope ladder. Doug grabbed onto it, and ascended into the sky. "Farewell! I am off to go to College and to write Total Drama Presents: Hamlet!"

"Where did that helicopter come from?" Duncan asked.

"I'm the author!" Doug yelled down. "I just have to type it out! No explanation needed!"

"You can't just do that!" Jo yelled back.

"Sure I can!" Doug argued with the character he was also typing dialogue for. "My story; my rules!"

"You can't just break the fourth wall to excuse lazy writing!" Gwen exclaimed. "At least try to come up with a logical explanation!"

Doug rolled his eyes. "All right, all right! Sheesh! This is Chef's helicopter from Total Drama World Tour. Is that explanation good enough for you?!"

"Yup."

"Sure."

"I like it."

"Good call-back Doug!"

Viktoriya gazed upwards and scoffed. "Wow, this author has an ego as big as Mother Russia!"

Jerome coughed a few times, sneaking in the word "Hypocrite" a few times.

Viktoriya turned her gaze to Jerome. "Are you accusing me of hypocrisy? Take a look in the mirror you brainless thug!"

Jerome took off his fedora. A sign that some serious stuff was about to go down. "A brainless thug?! At least I know how to treat people with a little something called RESPECT!"

"Unless that person ticks you off!" Viktoriya pointed out, as she stomped closer to Jerome.

"Well, evil-doers aren't real people so I don't have to treat them with respect!" Jerome spat back, as he looked Viktoriya directly in the eye.

"Cool your jets lovebirds!" Jo yelled, pushing the Bully Hunter and the Over-achiever apart. "This story doesn't resolve around your perverse attraction to each other."

"I already said it!" Jerome yelled out in frustration. "We are verbally SLAUGHTERING each other, not flirting! This isn't some poorly written fan-fic!"

"Yes it is." Duncan snarked. The Punk was promptly struck by a lightning bolt.

"Everybody hates a critic." Duncan wheezed out before falling to the ground

"Maybe we should do something about that hole in the roof." Bridgette suggested.

To Be Continued in 2015