Yes, cheap rip-offs of Trigun and RENT. I admit it. I am proud of it.
Also, this chapter is kind of pervy and there's some language. Consider yourself warned.

Eggo and Alfalfa stood before the military's headquarters in Big City Town, ready for a full day of searching. They were a kingly duo, swift and brave and loyal, following every code of chivalry and knighthood there was. Well…except for that one time. But that's beside the point.

So these two incredibly awesome brothers faced one challenge before they could enter the building: An automatic revolving door. Due to embarrassing instances in the past, in which the brothers attempted to find out whether or not it was impossible to skii through a revolving door, they both harbored a deep fear for such devices. (In case our dear readers were wondering, it is entirely possible to skii through a revolving door with just the right circumstances, but it is not recommended.)

Eggo glanced at the can on his shoulder, clenched a fist and gritted his teeth. "For love."

"For love and for peace!" Alfalfa added.

With that, Eggo sprinted through the scary moving door. Finally safe on the other side, he let out a sigh of relief. "Be still my heart," He said, placing his hook on his chest. He turned around to see the door that they had vanquished…

"Brother, HELP ME!"

GASP! Alfalfa had fallen off Eggo's shoulder and was caught in the door! The door was pushing him around rather quickly. Eggo watched helplessly as his brother was being pushed around by the door, screaming all the while. "HELP! AYUDA!"

"I don't know how! No sé!"

Plump officer Bread, drawn by the sound of screams, sighed and put down his book, Cynophobia for Dummies. This seemed to happen every time the brothers returned to Big City Town. He got up, walked to the door, picked Alfalfa up and handed him to Eggo. They murmured their grateful thank-you's before Eggo asked, "So, what's the story with Colonel Buttface?"

"Brother!" Alfalfa scolded him sharply.

"We sent Lieutenant Hotdog to go looking for him, but that was four hours ago," Bread explained.

Lieutenant Hotdog seemed to have the worst luck out of any of the other soldiers. He had profiles on three different online dating sites for for over two years, and none of them had a single hit. Ever. What little time not spent having his heart broken was used in smoking, writing in his diary and watching sappy movies.

"And so the quest begginith," Eggo said in a sigh.

"Hey Eggo, Alfalfa," Lieutenant Hamburger greeted the pair. A pistol hung at one hip, and a small black puppy struggling for breath was lashed to the other. "Hopefully this won't take too long, I know you have an AA meeting to go to."

"Last week's was horrible! We stood up in a circle, held hands and sang a song for three minutes about losing our dignity and no one care. THREE FREAKIN' MINUTES!" Eggo paused for a breath to complete his rant. "And all Al did was cry because he didn't have hands to hold!"

At this, Alfalfa broke out in noisy sobs.

Both ignored him. Hamburger continued. "We've stumbled across a very important clue."

"Oh yeah?" Eggo attempted to raise an eyebrow.

"There's some very noisy high-pitched screams coming from the upstairs closet. Either Mustard kidnapped a group of high school girls, or all the fangirls escaped from the zoo." Hamburger shrugged.

"Makes sense," Eggo said. "Ten bucks says it's the fangirls."

"Twenty."

"Done."

They shook on it and continued on their way. "Oh. Shoelace." Eggo knelt down as best he could, considered the peg leg, and attempted to tie his shoe. "You go on ahead, this could be a couple minutes," he instructed Hamburger.

"Or a couple years," Alfalfa scoffed.

Those of you who have ever had to tie their shoes using only one hand know that is an extremely difficult task, nearly as tricky (though slightly less painful) as sitting though X-Men 3. Eggo, making the best use of his hand, mouth and wooden leg, finally succeeded after fifteen minutes.

While Eggo was busy doing this, Hamburger had already made her way up to the closet. She pulled open the door, and out fell Mustard, shirtless as usual. He stood up, dusted himself off and the two soldiers saluted each other.

"You appear to be missing your shirt, sir."

"Uh, yeah, well, I was just, uh…." Mustard rubbed the back of his neck. "Getting it on. In the closet. I was just getting my shirt on in the closet."

"Sorry I asked," she said under her breath. Then, "Just let the high school girls go, sir." With that she sighed and walked away, making a mental note to hire some professional cleaners. No way in hell was she ever going five feet near that closet ever again.

She met Eggo on her walk back. "I'd stay away from there for awhile. And you owe me twenty bucks."

Eggo's nose wrinkled in disgust. "Like hell I do! It was the fangirls, I'll prove it to ya!" With that, he sprinted down the hallway, this time carrying Alfalfa in his pocket.

"Fangirls?" Hamburger said to herself as she watched him run. "What universe does this kid live in?"

Eggo kicked open the closet door. "Colonel! Where are the fangirls?!"

Mustard screamed in surprise, then picked him up and threw him across the closet. A crappy, ugly looking rusted gate had somehow appeared in the back of the closet, and the brothers went hurtling through.

Lieutenant Hotdog nervously poked his two-toned head out from behind a coat and whispered, "Colonel, are they gone?"

"Shut up, bitch."

Eggo opened his eyes. He appeared to be in a golden room. The rusted gate was right behind him, and a large stone one loomed in front of him. But they weren't alone; the rest of the room was populated by some pretty blond boys and a robot. He stared at them.

"Well, it's a good thing this makes sense."