A/N Hey dear readers! Wow this story has really developed a mind of its own. I had an initial plan as to where it was going when I first started writing "What Is Strength?" that I thought would easily wrap itself up in a few thousand words... After posted this though I am getting close to 40,000 words now... Whoops... Hopefully you guys are still enjoying the ride and will continue to read and review!

Chapter 8

I dropped the phone to the ground and grabbed my katana from my back and bent my knees into a fighting stance. My legs were in agony but they were the last thing on my mind. I was too busy staring in horror at my brother. Before my eyes Raphael's body was dissolving. Scales, skin, shell, all of what was him was breaking down into what I can only describe as looking somewhat similar to an amoeba Don once showed me. No discernable features of my brother remained. This huge swelling mess of matter now took his place. At first the mass was a mixture of colours similar to that of my brother's flesh, but now it was black. It was where hope went to die.

I stood petrified having no idea how to proceed and after a moment of semi-calmness the mass began to writhe and long tentacles shot out in all directions grabbing everything in sight. I successful dodged them and when the movement ceased I turned to see it now resembling a spider's web. In the middle was a cocoon of translucent black silk and for the briefest of moment's I saw what appeared to be a sleeping baby version of Raphael. The web seemed to follow my line of sight and the cocoon suddenly was opaque and from one of the web's many branches shot out a long scaled neck like that of a dragon. Another jolt of fear shot through me when it looked at me and I saw a distorted, hideous, nightmare version of my brother's face. The long neck twisted and positioned itself between me and the cocoon, but despite its efforts I couldn't help but notice that the cocoon rhythmically pulsed.

The serpent sneered at me. Its black eyes glimmering in amusement at my shock and fear. I swallowed the lump in my throat and asked the question I feared the answer to, "Raph? Is that you?"

The creature cackled, "Ah Leonardo I have always loved our moments together however brief they may be."

Even though I could feel my terror and confusion as to what I now faced, I refused to be cowed. I focused on my breathing and managed to calm myself slightly, "You did not answer the question. Are you my brother, Raphael?"

Its eyes narrowed, "You always had to be the boss didn't you? Ordering your brothers around like slaves"

I retorted, "That's not true. I have always treated my brothers as equals. Answer the question!"

It shook its head, an evil grin appearing on its face, "Ah ah ah Leonardo. You stamping your foot and swinging those tooth picks around may have worked in the past but you'll now find getting your way to be a little more..." It paused searching for the right word, "Difficult."

I had been so transfixed I hadn't even noticed the black tentacles surrounding me from behind so when I jumped back from the serpent's forward assault I suddenly found myself completely trapped. I was lifted at the ground and then had my four limbs stretched out as the tentacles pulled on my wrists and ankles. They tore into my flesh and I gasped in pain dropping my swords. I struggled to fear myself, but it was hopeless. Even if I wasn't exhausted from the swim, there was no way I was escaping this thing's iron strength. My heart jolted. I was at its mercy.

The living nightmare brought its head within inches of mine so I had no choice but to look into its fathomless dark eyes. "Now that the Fearless Leader has been put in his place. Let's see how fearless he is hmmm? But before we play that little game maybe I'll ask you a question. Who do you think I am? No don't answer yet. I believe in teaching before testing. Pay attention, if you answer wrong the game will be far more fun for me and much more painful for you."

Images materialized in its eyes and as I stared I became lost in them.

(~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~)

I found myself in a sewer tunnel beneath a manhole. When I heard voices coming from behind me, I turned and was jolted in surprise by two little turtles heading in my direction. One wore a red mask and one wore a blue mask. I rubbed my eyes. "No way? Is this for real?"

The little turtles ignored me and yet they continued walking in my direction. I slowly walked up to them to get their attention only to have the turtles move through my body like I was a ghost, "What the hell? Ok definitely not for real then… I guess? But they look just like Raph and I as kids… This is so bizarre."

I turned around to see the two brothers arguing at the base of the ladder. "Raph you heard what Master Splinter said! You know we're not supposed to go above ground!"

Raph rolled his eyes, "Gee really Leo? I must have missed the message along with the thousand other times he told us."

I or rather Little Leo ("this is so weird") was not deterred by our brother's sarcasm, "All the more reason to not go up! If we get caught we are turtle soup!"

"We're not gonna get caught! I've been up this manhole plenty of times on my own and it's been perfectly safe."

"YOU WHAT? Are you insane?"

Evidently Raphael was tired of this conversation because he was now climbing the ladder, "You and Splinter worry too much. Now are you coming or are ya a hatchling?"

I watched my younger self fidget for a moment in anxiety, but when our brother disappeared through the manhole I knew Little Leo would follow. I followed my younger self up the ladder to find us in a school yard. School had long been out, but the area was awfully open. I turned to see the turtles' destination. There in the darkness was a massive and beautiful playground. The kind my brothers and I had dreamed of as kids. As I watched my younger self join Raph at the base of a yellow slide I suddenly realized what this was: a memory.

Raph had spent months searching for a place like this and when he finally found it he could not help but show it off to me. Yes, I was the good-two-shoes of the family, but I was also the best at keeping secrets. Donnie and Mikey were just too likely to let something like this slip in front of Master Splinter in their excitement and so I was always Raph's first choice to bring on adventures. We did a lot of things we weren't supposed to, but I remember having a lot of fun.

I walked over to the playground admiring the swings, the monkey bars and jungle gym. "We could have played for hours here! But why do I only remember coming here only once?"

My question was answered all too quickly. Suddenly voices came from the other side of the chain-linked fence separating the park from the street. The little turtles froze midway through their race across the tire bridge and within an instant hid within the large industrial tires. Although instinct told me to hide I knew as the scene continued this was definitely a memory and so nothing I did now would change the outcome.

Four boys came into view. Three of them were clearly teaming up against one. I saw Raph and Little Leo poke their heads out from the tire ever so slightly to see what was going on. The tallest boy wearing a red baseball cap turned backwards and a black hoodie shoved the one boy into the fence. The boy against the fence didn't seem anything out of the ordinary. He was wearing a plain white t-shirt and jeans. The other two guys were apparently baseball cap's backup. Both had dark hair and one wore a blue windbreaker while the other wore a green t-shirt. "What did I tell you about coming on our turf?"

"But- but Tyler it's the quickest way home after my piano lessons and its dark so-."

Another shove. "Hear that guys? Freak show here was coming home from his piano lessons!"

They all snickered. Tyler spoke again, "Listen here freak, I don't care how much of a hurry you're in. You're grammy could be on death's door and I won't give a shit. Mutants like you don't come on my turf ever!"

He then punched the kid in the gut and the kid sunk down and in an attempt to get away crawled into the streetlight. Then the turtles saw what Tyler had been talking about. Across the kid's entire right side of his face was a massive brown birthmark. In contrast to the pale white smooth skin on his left, the right looked rough and leathery. The turtles, unable to leave the scene without being noticed, were forced to continue watching as the kid's bullies rounded on him again and kicked and punched him until he was breathing hoarsely. Finally, after what seemed like hours they got bored and with a final spit from their baseball cap they swaggered off. It was then the turtles took off towards the manhole. From the top of the ladder Little Leo said, "We can't just leave him…"

Raph seemed just as lost as Leo, but thankfully their prayers were heard when a car driving by stopped by the kid. A man got out and pulled out his phone. The little turtles watched from the manhole for a moment until they heard sirens and then vanished down into the sewers.

I followed my brother and my miniature version down the tunnel. We all moved in silence. After a bit the two small turtles stopped and sunk down onto the floor. Raph dangled his legs over the edge and placed his elbows on his knees so he could support his head as he stared into the water. Little Leo sat in companionable silence with his legs also dangling but instead folded his arms and looked straight ahead. After a moment Raph spoke, "So it's true isn't it?"

Little Leo looked at our brother quizzically, "What is?"

"What Master Splinter's been telling us all along. That we'll never be accepted up there."

"Why are you bringing this up now?"

Raph scowled at the ignorance his brother was showing, "Didn't you see what just happened? Those guys beat the tar out of that kid just cuz his face was a bit different! If we ever showed up our faces up there just imagine what'd they do to us?"

The small blue-banded turtle frowned and looked into the water examining the reflections of himself and his brother. "I guess you're right but-"

Suddenly Raphael jumped up, "There are no buts for us Leo! There's no place for us!"

Then he turned tail and ran. I didn't need this scene to remind me what Raph said next. The echoes of his voice still burn my ears, "There's no place for me! I'm always goinna to be a freak!"

Then the scene started to dissolve, "Wait it doesn't end here!"

But I obviously didn't get a say because I found myself relocated.

(~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~)

Four little turtles played on a worn carpet. The one in purple was reading, the one in orange was drawing, the one in red was playing with a yellow dump truck and the one in blue seemed content to admire his brothers.

"Okay…" I said to no one in particular, "Another trip down memory lane I gather?"

The brothers carried on in silence for a bit still apparently unaware of my presence. I followed my younger version's suit and observed the turtles around me. We both noticed Mikey glancing at Raph every so often, but both Don and Raph were absorbed in their own activities. Finally Little Leo spoke, "Watcha drawing Mikey?"

The one in red snorted, "Probably stick figures."

"Am not!"

Raph sat up, "Oh yeah? Then let's see!"

The orange-masked turtle seemed to strongly consider bolting for a moment, but instead decided to stand his ground, "You can't see 'til it's done!"

Raph rolled his eyes, "Whatever," and returned to his truck.

Mikey quietly pulled a clean sheet of paper from the bottom of the stack and now drew with added ferocity. "Wait I remember this now… This was only the day after Raph and I got back from the playground…"

I felt my stomach plummet.

Time continued to pass and with it my anxiety grew. I decided Mikey was taking forever just to prolong my torment. Finally Little Leo spoke again obviously brimming with curiosity as to his brother's progress, "You drawing another comic Mikey?"

Raph perked up at that, "What? Mikey can draw comics?"

Don looked up from his book, "You didn't know Raph? He is actually quite the proficient artist. His comics resemble those on a newsstand."

Raph looked dubious at that comment (partially due to Donatello's use of his ever-expanding vocabulary) and then without second thought he reached out and grabbed the stack of papers Mikey had been working on. "Raph!"

"Don't worry Mikey I only wanna look…" The red-masked turtle stared at the page. After a moment of intense examination his eyes widened in apparent horror and were just as quickly flashing with fury. I could tell despite the anger he was ready to cry as he snarled, "Mikey! This some kind of a joke?"

"What? No! Wait Raph don't-"

But it was too late. Raph tore the papers in half and threw them on the floor. "Mikey you're such a puke! Don't you dare draw me again!"

And with that Raphael stormed off to the bedroom and slammed the door in his wake. Mikey began to cry and once again the scene began to fade, but I still remembered what had been on that paper. The boy had dark brown hair, amber eyes, a red ninja mask, and wore jeans with a black t-shirt. On the t-shirt was a turtle shell with a red capital R placed in the middle. It had undoubtedly been a drawing of Raphael as a human.

"Hey wait! There's more to this one too! You're not showing everything!"

But my protests were swallowed as I found myself in yet another memory.

(~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~)

We were still in the lair but now Mikey was absent and it was just my younger self, Raph, and Don. Don was typing on the computer with Little Leo watching from behind his chair. Meanwhile, Raph was reading a magazine on motorcycles pretending to ignore Donnie and my younger self's conversation. "What are you doing Donnie?"

"I'm talking to people."

Raph looked up from his magazine, but the other two remained oblivious to their brother's sudden bout of interest. "What? How? You don't know anybody but us and Sensi."

"It's called a chatroom Leo. I can talk to people from around the globe with it."

"Really? Are they humans?"

Don laughed, "I would assume so but who knows maybe the odd mutant hamster logs on from time to time."

I mimicked my miniature's smile. Raph got up and came up behind Don's free side. "What do humans talk to you about?"

It was a valid question. All we really knew about humans at the time was from what we had observed from the shadows of storm drains and cable TV. None of us had ever actually had a conversation with a human and even though TV seemed pretty realistic Sensi had always been lecturing as on how much of what we watched was a fabricated tale brought to life by actors. So much of that wasn't even real.

Donnie looked in surprise at his brother's sudden interest. "Well this chatroom is great for talking about science. We talk about all kinds of things. Newton's Laws, microbiology, and right now we're discussing the solar system."

Don's eyes suddenly gave way to that dreamy look he got when he got lost and thought and Raph gave a little cough, "So uh humans like the solar system huh?"

Don laughed, "They love it! They can't help but wonder what's out there."

Little Leo had been watching Raphael closely throughout the entire exchange and the Raph suddenly walked off to the bedroom and closed the door. I blinked and found myself alone in the room with Raph. He was on his bed and propped up on his pillow was one of Don's books. It wasn't just any book though. It was the ratty old textbook Master Splinter had dug out of the trash last year. It was devoted astronomy and particularly: the solar system. It was hard to believe, but I knew it was true because I remembered my younger self later finding the book tucked under Raph's pillow when I had come to harvest the bed linen for laundry. I remembered that Raph had spent an awful lot of time locked in the bedroom the next several days after that discussion.

The scene blurred and I knew some time had passed. Once again Don was on the computer. My younger self was still there but I was practicing my kata now. Raph came into the room and when he saw Don on the computer he walked over with a slight spring in his step. "You in that chatroom again Donnie?"

"Yup."

Raph looked like he could barely contain himself, "You still talking about the solar system with the humans?"

Don laughed, "Naw that was so last week Raph! Now we're onto evolution and circuits!"

I felt my breath caught at the look of crestfallen rejection cross my brother's face. As Don turned away from the monitor it was to see Raph bolt from the lair. Little Leo had stopped his kata a look of comprehension on his face, but once again the scene faded away like the others.

"Hey wait a second! You only have half the story! None of these ended like you thought it did! Hey I'm talking to you! Answer me damn it!"

(~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~)

I blinked only to open my eyes to see those dark pits before me. It pulled its head away and sneered, "You dare lie to us? We KNOW how it ended. These like so many others all ended the same way! Rejection! Failure! Sorrow! Together festering and distorting! You will not deny it!"

Then it dawned on me, "You're his anger. His wrath. His hatred! You distort everything and refuse to listen! You're the one that blocked us out! Blocked him out!"

It hissed, "Lies! It was we who protected him. We who gave him freedom. We who were his true salvation! We saved him from a world of betrayal, rejection, and fear. When the world – when you Leonardo would have rather abandoned him it was we who were his ally!"

The tentacles tightened on my limbs and then I felt one slide around my neck. I was running out of time and I needed to think fast. I stared at the cocoon knowing inside my brother willingly hid. It hurt to know that he was hiding from me… I wondered if he knew that by hiding he allowed his anger to control him and thanks to the mutagen it now had an all-to-real physical manifestation. I silently begged for some idea to come to me. I remembered Donnie saying that Raphael's brain was unaffected by the mutagen. If that was still the case then maybe if Raphael chose it he could regain control. But I still have no idea how I can convince him to fight again… What a mess – the brother who always was ready to fight hides from the one fight that really matters.

The tentacle started to tighten around my neck and I felt my pulse increase. Come on Leo… Think! Wait… If that thing is psychologically connected with Raph right? Like a frightening-as-hell mutant conduit? It let me access Raphael's mind so maybe I can use it so Raph can access mine? Then I can guide him and bring him back…

That was it. I needed to have another stare down with that thing. So how do you get its attention? Easy: make Raph angry. And what makes Raph angry? Easy: Mikey does.

"HEY RAPHAEL! REMEMBER ME? LEONARDO? Yeah you know the superior-to-you-in-every-way, amazing, wonderful, glorious, pretty-darn-handsome-if-I-do-say-so myself ninja prodigy of a brother?"

I saw the cocoon begin to pulse slightly faster and the dragon's eyes narrowed, "You dare? You really dare to insult us?"

A gave it my best I'm-your-big-brother-so-you-better-listen-to-me-now look, "HEY! I didn't interrupt you with your whole "I'm evil thing!" Besides Dragon Breath, that was only me reminding you of who you're dealing with. Me being insulting would be if I called you numbnuts, dingus face, butt ugly, or my personal favourite shell-for-brains."

It was now starting to get rather difficult to breath but it was looking angrier by the second, "Do you wish to die in agony?"

"Didn't I just say not to interrupt? And see that's the point: I said "if I called you" those things. So technically I didn't call you numbnuts, dingus face, butt ugly, or shell-for-brains. Geez you're a poor listener."

It was leaning in closer. Now to bring it home, "Oh and did I mention I'm the leader? Not you. Not Raphael. Me. Leonardo. Doesn't that just burn your insides? How could Splinter not pick you over me? I mean you were the obvious choice. You were the best in combat, the strongest, the bravest, and yet Splinter choose me: the boy-scout, Mr. Perfect, the goody-two-shoes. The one brother that you couldn't stand to lose to beat you. The one thing that you ever truly wanted I got but you know what would be the icing on the cake? That fact that because I'm the leader you have to listen to me!"

Now the cocoon was really pulsing and the nightmare screamed, "ENOUGH!"

A tentacle wrapped around my mouth effectively cutting off my last source of air. "You have interfered long enough Leonardo!"

I could not talk and as my air ran out I caught the stare of my brother's wrath. I concentrated all my remaining energy and was lost in those fathomless depths once more.

(~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~)

I could see nothing in the darkness, but I knew he was there. "Raphael? Can you hear me? I'm here. It's ok. You can come out."

From the distance I heard the voice of a small scared Raphael, "No! I won't leave. It's safe here."

Even though the turtle in the cocoon was a child, I still had not expected to this voice. I could feel my chest constricting and even though I could not see the tentacles I knew I was running out of time. "Please Raphael I need you! You're the only one who can help me. I know you're scared, but the Raph I know never gives up. He would rather die than give up!"

Crying hit my ears, "You're lying! You don't mean those things! You're only saying them so that I'll help you!"

"Raphael I'm not lying! I meant every word! You can trust me. I always have had your back! I have always cared!"

"No you don't! You didn't care before! Why would you care now?"

And then it hit me. This Raphael only knew of the memories I had witnessed earlier. He really did only know half the truth and to this child's mind he truly did feel abandoned. "Then let me show you the rest."

"The rest?"

"Just wait. You'll see."

(~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~)

Don turned to see his brother flee from the lair. "Did I miss something?"

Leo abandoned his kata practice and walked over to Don. "Can I show you something?"

Don nodded and followed Leo to the bedroom. There under Raphael's pillow was the solar system text book and underneath that were pages and pages of notes written in Raph's messy script ranging from the composition of Venus' atmosphere to the moons of Saturn. Don exhaled, "Wow… I had no idea…"

"Yeah I only found out a few days ago. I'm pretty sure it started after you told him that humans liked to talk about the solar system. I think he did it so that on some level he would feel like less of a misfit you know?"

Don nodded, "He was going to talk about it today wasn't he?"

Leo nodded.

"Geez I'm such an idiot Leo! How did I not notice?"

Leo placed his hand on his brother's shoulder, "It's not too late to fix it."

Donnie scrunched his face and thought hard for a moment, "Yeah, you're right!"

"Just make it subtle ok? You know how he can be."

"I have just the idea. Would you read it when I'm done?"

"Definitely."

The scene fogged over slightly and then Donnie was handing a piece of paper over to Leo. "Here it is."

Leo began to read:

Hey Raphael,

So hopefully you won't be too mad, but I found out about your hidden love for the solar system. I always thought I was the only turtle in this household that enjoyed science so when I found your notes – well I "geeked out" as you like to put it. I couldn't help it though. Sometimes I feel like such a total misfit and to see what you can do... Well I can't even begin to describe what I felt, but I can tell you one thing: it felt really good. I know you're probably rolling your eyes by now thinking what a mushy turtle I am, but hopefully you're not too disgusted to talk stars with me sometime. I'd love to have you as my stargazing buddy. After all, I know I can't help but feel a little lonely looking up at the cosmos. The universe is just so big! I guess what I'm trying to say Raph is that the next time you feel lost in space please know that your existence has meaning to someone. You really do mean the world to me.

Always your fellow stargazer,

Donatello

"It's perfect Don."

Donatello nodded and folded the paper up and placed it on the page where Raph had left off so that when he continued his exploration of the universe he would be sure to find his brother's love.

(~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~)

Don comforted Mikey while Leo went and gathered the torn drawings. "It – Hic – wasn't even finished yet!"

Don rubbed Mikey's shell, "Shh I know Mikey. He's just been struggling with something lately."

Leo nodded knowingly, his eyes full of understanding. Leo then walked to the kitchen and pulled out a roll of scotch tape and came back to the carpet and began taping Mikey's hard work back together. After Leo finished fixing up the first page he lifted it to discover the next page was not what he had anticipated at all. There was Raphael standing in a heroic pose with his sai glistening in the moonlight. He was several years older in the drawing and looked pretty amazing. Leo taped up that page and found the next page showing another cool shot of Raph. Page after page in the pile had a similar theme and when Leo reached the bottom he looked over at Mikey the question posed on his lips. Mikey beat him to it, "I always draw Raph. It's not that I have anything against you guys. You're in plenty of my pictures it's just. Raphael is my hero! He always has been! I quickly drew that other picture as a joke so we'd have a good laugh and he would forget to look at the others. I didn't want to get embarrassed. But now he hates me!"

Don continued to rub Mikey's shell, "He doesn't hate you Mikey!"

Leo was to looking at the pictures, "I can't help but envy Raph for getting the chance to be your muse Mikey. These pictures are amazing! None of your other stuff is this good!"

Mikey sniffed, "That's cuz Raph inspires me! Everything comes out better when your inspired Leo." Mikey's eyes began to water again, "But I guess now I haveta find a new inspiration since Raph doesn't want me to draw him anymore!"

Leo scooted over to Mikey and grabbed his crying brother's shoulders, "Michelangelo, no matter what Raphael says the only person who decides what inspires you is you. If he still inspires you, you should keep drawing him. One day, maybe not right away, but one day he will come around. When that day comes I know he will be the proudest of us all because even when things were tough you always stayed true to your art."

The memory blurred again and this time the setting was in the new lair. An older Leo entered Mikey's room and saw his artistic brother with several boxes laid out in front of him. All of them were filled with Mikey's hero – he never stopped drawing him.

(~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~)

The word "freak" continued to echo down the tunnel. An older Leo sat down beside his younger self and joined him looking into the water. As the water slowly moved past threads of memories both young and old swirled past. All involved him.

He was there wrestling Mikey - glee in both their eyes. He was there bringing a fresh cup of coffee to a project-obsessed Don. He was there running the rooftops with Leo. He was there drinking tea with their Sensi. He was there comforting Mikey after another nightmare. He was there working in the garage with Don – both covered in grease. He was there sitting in companionable silence with Leo overlooking the city. He was there helping April move boxes in her store. He was there to talking trash with Casey. He was there where he belonged: he was there with his family.

A/N So I know this chapter was kind of crazy, but hopefully its symbolism and the cathartic feel struck home for you guys. It was a difficult chapter to write mostly because of the memories. Obviously I wanted them to keep to the theme, but I also wanted them to work in a way that they would make look like horrible experiences if only being allowed to see half of each scene. That was kind of the point though because too often our feelings and hurt can warp reality (especially when we're younger) so even when you have only part of the information things seem disproportionately worse than they are. Also hopefully I managed to have you guys have a few awe moment's with little Mikey, little Don, and more subtly with little Leo.