"Tweek, it's like you live to get sick." Kenny says in disbelief, trying to see what to heal first. I flush and stare at the floor, feeling everyone's eyes on me. I'm so embarrassed of having to be taken care of like this. It makes me look like a wimp. Like Butters. Kenny sighs for the millionth time. He says I live to get sick. Well, I say he lives to sigh at me. "Geez, why did it have to be almost everywhere? Why couldn't it just be a toothache? For God's sake, another fever, a runny nose, still a sore throat, a headache, stuffy ears, dizziness, and sore muscles!"
"You gotta admit that's a lot, Tweek." Stan says, shaking his head, along with Clyde and Cartman.
"I'm sorry, how's this my fault?"
"It's your body. Take care of it." Cartman snaps.
"Yeah. You need to be more careful." Clyde says.
"Guys, knock it off. It's probably because of the cold air in the vent. Tweek didn't know it would be that freezing. Besides, he's not used to cold temperatures. He's almost never outside. Don't worry, Tweek. They're just messing around." Kyle gifts me with a kind smile. I laugh nervously and nod. It's gonna take me a while to get this kind of humor. All of them, even Kyle and Stan, are screwed in the head. I know it, they know it, everyone knows it.
"For fuck's sake." Kenny closes his eyes and rubs his temples. "This is so frustrating! If this was a normal situation, then I'd just make you take medication like an average person, but we don't have time now. We're escaping tonight!"
"Kenny, calm down. It's not the end of the world." Token says.
"It is for him…" Kenny points to Craig, who's still in his little corner. "…If we don't get Tweek out of here."
"You say that, but…" Kyle looks at Craig and instantly changes his mind. "Yeah, you're right. It'll be the end of the world." Well, that set the mood to an all time low.
I look at Craig. Seeing him like that makes me really regret saying what I said. It was so stupid. I've hurt him… again.
God, that sounded lame. Kenny suddenly gets up. "Craig, a word." He says seriously, pointing to the freezer. Craig, after a short while of Kenny glaring holes at his back, slowly gets up and follows him. Aw man. Craig's gonna get a really bad talking to.
"Jesus Christ, Tweek. You're really small." Clyde says randomly, holding my shirt up in front of him. My face goes red at being reminded that I had to take my shirt off so Kenny could examine me. And everyone seeing. We all suddenly hear a huge thud on the freezer door and jump. Uh oh, something's happening. I nervously turn back to Clyde.
"I'm not that small, am I?"
"You are. Ha, you're like Kyle." Cartman laughs.
"I'm not small! You just think I am 'cause compared to your size I'm a twig."
"No, no Kyle, you're right. You're not small. You're just scrawny!" Clyde laughs.
"WHY YOU-
"All of you, just be quiet for a minute while I heal Tweek." Kenny says calmly, coming towards us. What the hell? I'm pretty sure he just hit Craig in there, and now… I swear to God, he does have a split personality.
"No, I don't, Tweek." Kenny says as he sits down. I start to back away from him. "Oh no you don't!" Kenny grabs my arm and pulls me back to him.
"C-Can you read my mind?" Kenny takes a second to think about what to say.
"In a way."
"In a way?"
"Just drop it, Tweek." Cartman laughs at Kenny snapping at me. I don't think Kenny snaps at people often. In fact, before all this, I don't think he even spoke that often.
"Can you guys just leave? Just go do something. I need to concentrate." Everyone scoffs and walks away to do something. Cartman starts fishing through the fridge again, Stan and Token have a tug-o-war over the deck of cards, while Kyle and Clyde watch them, Butters sits a distance away and glances around, mostly at Kenny and I, and Pip sits on a chair and goes to Lala Land.
"Alright, let's do this." Kenny says, and then puts hand to my forehead, getting rid of my headache and dizziness in seconds. "Tweek, this is gonna tickle." I'm about to ask what, but start laughing as Kenny blows in my ear.
"Wh-What was that for?" I ask, still giggling.
"You're stuffy ears. Can you hear better now?" Wow, now that I think about it, everything does sound way better. Almost perfect. Kenny scares me. Scares me very much.
"This might hurt." Kenny warns me. Jeez, what now? Kenny raises his hand and hits my back really hard, like I did to that bird. It makes me cough, of course, but that's to be expected. I feel a small vibration around my body.
"Do your muscles still hurt? Anywhere?" Kenny asks, helping me sit upright because I'd almost faceplanted (again today) from the shock.
"I… I'm not sure. My body feels like jelly." Man, now I know how that poor bird felt after I hit it. Kenny smiles sheepishly.
"Yeah, I'm sorry about that. I think I did it a little hard." Yeah. A little hard.
After a few minutes of me shaking, and Kenny keeping me from collapsing on the floor, I start to get the feeling back in my muscles. They feel better than they ever have. That bird must've felt awesome to be back flying.
"I feel great." I turn my head to Kenny to smile at him, but instead look at something in his hands. A cup of… of stuff.
"What. The. Hell. Is. That." I stare at it in fear. It's fucking purple. Purple.
"I made it a while ago in case of a situation like this. I didn't think it was that urgent before, but now you really need it. Inhale it. Now."
"What?"
"I said inhale it. It'll unblock your nose and get rid of your fever." I hesitate big time, but eventually take the cup and sniff it. God it smells weird. Not really bad, but weird.
"More than that! It won't work if it's not a big breath in. Go on." I stare at the goop for a second, and then inhale it deeply. It takes a few seconds to take effect.
When it does, I drop the cup.
WHAT THE FUCK? THAT'S SO STRANGE! IT FEELS LIKE A BUNCH OF MINI FIREBALLS ARE RUNNING AROUND MY HEAD KILLING STUFF! GOD IT BURNS!
"IT BURNS!" I yell weakly, voicing my thoughts. Everyone in the room looks at me in alarm. Even Craig. Kenny smirks.
"That means it's working. It's killing all the pathogens in your head area." I glare at Kenny.
"That's it! I'm sick of your healing shit. Just let me die!" Everyone freezes. I swear, even the room temperature decreases. I look over to the other side of the room and see Craig looking more disappointed than he's ever been. It even looks like his eyes have lost color. Everyone else just looks unsure.
Ok, I shouldn't have said that.
I turn back to Kenny. He looks the same as Craig.
"Um, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said something like that. I'll take whatever you give me without any complaints." Kenny finally makes some eye contact with me.
"Yeah… Yeah! Alright. Now I want you to drink it. Just do it all at once." Kenny gives me the cup I dropped.
"But I dropped it. How…?" Kenny smiles almost sadly.
"I caught it, silly. Haha… ha…" He trails of and shuts his mouth. He realises he's starting to space out and shakes his head, giving the cup to me.
"Seriously, drink it all at once." Kenny says quickly. I nod and bring the cup to my lips. Here goes nothing… again.
Lord… it tastes bad. Sort of like paint, cough syrup, and vegetables mixed together. That might even be what it is. I sure hope not. Half way through, I choke and start coughing. Kenny and the others (yes, even Craig) immediately jump up and come to my aid. Kenny helps me hold the cup up, while the rest start asking me if I'm alright. Cartman even pats my back to stop my choking.
"Come on, Tweek. Almost there." Kenny says sternly. He really seems to want me to drink it all. When I finally finish, his split personality starts again and he smiles. I start coughing again, this time from the lack of air.
"I'm… alright." I finally say to everyone. All of them except Kenny and Craig shrug and go back to their leisure time. If you could call it that. Craig just sits and watches me. I feel him looking at me and after a few seconds and turn to him. He stares for a minute, and when I expect him to frown and look away, he smiles. He smiles. Been a freaking while since I've seen that. Of course, I can't help but not hide the surprise on my face. Craig sees my expression and smiles more. I watch him, still very surprised.
After a while, Craig gives me a small nod in goodbye and walks to Token and Clyde, who are more than welcome to him. It's amazing how good friends they are. They look like the only ones who understand him perfectly, apart from Kenny. Kenny understands everyone perfectly.
The door to the room suddenly slams open. The huge, fat cook walks in, ready to make breakfast for the male patients. He sees us all and looks confused for a second. He remembers when Token takes a dollar out of his pocket and waves it at him.
"You kids, get in the storage room. I can't have you all distacting me. Only come out when I tell you to. If you get caught, I won't defend you." Kenny sighs. Again.
"Alright everyone. You heard him. Let's go." Kenny takes my arm and leads me in the store room after everyone else. The cook closes and locks the door behind us.
"You've gotta be kidding me! We have to stay here with all these vegetables!" Cartman wails, looking at the vegetables with a paranoid expression.
"Knock it off, fatass!" Stan says angrily, finally snapping.
Everyone sits down somewhere. I just about die of joy when Craig sits next to me. "Alright guys. We have a few hours to do what the fuck we want." Kenny says, eyeing Butters. No doubt he just wants an excuse to sit and stare at Butters for a long period of time.
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA H AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
It's hard to find something to make fun of Kenny about. There's no way I'll miss this chance. Maybe Cartman and the others' somewhat cruel personalities are rubbing off on me.
"Hey everyone, Kenny likes-
"TWEEK!" Kenny says quickly, looking alarmed.
'Why not? You said you didn't like him, so you can just deny it.' I sign to him, with the awesome sign language. Kenny should know it.
'You dick.' He signs back, just as quick as me. He sure looks annoyed. Ha, stuff like that makes me smile. I catch Pip staring at us, but he merely laughs at Kenny and I. We continue having a one-sided happy and one-sided pissed off sign language conversation. For like half an hour.
It also takes me that long to realise all the boys are watching us by now.
"Whoa, you're really good at that, Tweek. Teach me, dammit~!"
"Shut up, fatass."
"You can't think of any other insults. HAHA damn you suck."
"I'll think of plenty! Dumbass! Dick! Piece of good-for-nothing crap! Idiot! Fool! Asshole! Anti-semetic! Wierdo! Psychopath! Murderer! Racist! Dipshit! Sexist!…
Like ten minutes later… (everyone's pretty much half-listening now)
… RETARD! LONER! HATER! CROSS-DRESSER! TROLL! FAG-
"You do realise I'm not upset by any of these insults, Kyle." Cartman says smugly. Kyle fumes.
"YOU… YOU… YOU STUPID FUCKING BASTARD CHILD!" Everyone stops what they're doing and looks at Kyle. Except me. What's the big deal? Cartman's not really a bastard child, is he? Man, he looks appalled. Even Kyle looks a little surprised of what he said.
"Uh, I… " Kyle looks down and shakes his head. I don't think he's ever really had to apologise to Cartman. For anything serious, that is.
"…" Cartman gets a hold of himself, looks up at Kyle, and gives him a really venemous glare. And sticks his tongue out as a bonus. We all watch him walk to a corner, near a bunch of pasta. He feels us staring at him and flips us off. We take that moment to look away.
"Kyle, what were you thinking? We agreed not to mention that he doesn't have a dad. You know he's sensitive to that."
"Yeah well, I'm sensitive to being called a dirty Jew all the time, but he doesn't care about that!"
"Just apologise, Kyle." Stan pinches the bridge of his nose. I get the feeling he does that a lot.
"What? Why should I-
"Just apologise!"
"Hell no." Stan exhales deeply. He really doesn't like drama.
"Well, someone has to talk to him." We all look at Kenny. "Look, the last thing we need right now is someone being sad, annoyed, or pissed off with someone. Someone just f-ing go talk to him and make him feel better. Or else he'll be pissed off all day, and by tonight, he won't want to cooperate with anyone. Someone volunteer."
…
"Oh, for God's sake. You guys call yourselves his best friends." I roll my eyes at Kyle, Stan, and Kenny. "I'll go talk to him."
I feel everyone watching my back as I walk over. Ok, I'm gonna be totally calm with this. No Butters personality.
"Cartman." I say firmly as I kneel next to him. Like I expected, he ignores me. "Cartman, talk to me, man." He lifts his head this time and gives me a really pissed off look.
"Tweek, I'm warning you right now. If you don't leave me alone, I'm gonna kick you square in the goddamn nuts." He tells me in a firm voice.
"Why do you wanna be left alone?"
"Tweek, I swear to God-
"You're always alone, aren't you?" Cartman stares at me.
"What the fuck are you talking abo-
"Why do you always insist on keeping to yourself?"
"I don't-
"Cartman, it's me. It's Tweek Twea- I mean Tucker." I resist the urge to facepalm at myself.
"… My friends are assholes."
"Well yeah, they are, but you sort of are too."
"Exactly. That's how it works. We're all dicks, and don't tell each other anything personal."
"Then why are Stan and Kyle so close?" I briefly remember Craig mentioning Stan and Kyle are 'super best friends'.
"'Cause… 'Cause they're fags."
"No, because they're kind to each other."
"That's a bunch of bullcrap, though."
"Well, that's how you have to be to get along with people."
"Nuh-uh."
"Ya-huh!"
"Tweek, just go away. No one likes me, and that's how I like it. I'm fine by myself."
"No, you're not. Why else do you think you're in this situation?"
"…"
"That's right. Look, we're… we're… uh…" I look around. I smile when I see it, stand up, and grab a shitload of macaroni and dump it in front of him. He looks up at me, clearly puzzled.
"We're all like a bunch of macaroni. Together we make a bowl of food, like a group of friends. But, if one goes…" I pick up one and toss it behind my shoulder. I hear Clyde go 'Fuck!'. "… It doesn't really matter, but if it's still there, then the group of macaroni's bigger and better. So … So be friends with all of us." Cartman looks astonished. I can tell no one's ever really tried to help him like this before.
"…Alright." He says finally, looking at the floor.
"That's great! Now let's have a smile."
"Dude, don't gay it up." He gives me a genuine smile nevertheless. I nod in goodbye and walk back to the group, feeling proud.
"You see that?" I point to Cartman, who's looking into space and smiling. "I did that. Yup, I did it." Everyone looks over my shoulders, and then back at me. They all look absolutely dumbfounded. So they should.
"Oh thank God." Kenny puts a hand over his chest in relief. He takes a deep breath and starts walking over to Cartman, to talk to him I guess, along with Stan and a slightly nervous (and reluctant) Kyle.
"Tweek, wanna play poker?" Clyde holds the cards up, looking pretty welcome. I shake my head as I sit under a shelf with a bunch of cans.
"No, it's alright. I just need to think for a few minutes." I don't really, I just wanna be on my own for a few minutes, but he believes it anyway.
"Come on then, Craig." Clyde says. I see Craig shake his head.
"No. I need to think too." Craig gives me a knowing look. Dammit. He's impossible for me to fool. Well, I guess that's good then. Shouldn't lie to the person you like. Clyde and Token exchange glances and then sit down a small distance away to play their 'poker'. Seriously, I don't even know what that is. Another reason why I didn't wanna play.
Craig sits next to me leisurely. I think he's normal again. Thank goodness.
"So what did you say to Cartman? I've never seen him convinced by someone like that." I take a few seconds to process his normal voice again, and then grin at him.
"Secret."
"Aw, come on."
"Nope. My techniques of convincing are thing's you'll never know."
"I'm sure I'll find out one day, if I'm gonna be with you." I freeze. Craig sure took a risk to say something like that. Don't get me wrong, I'm touched.
"Yeah, that's true." Craig's head snaps up.
"You know what I mean, right?" He asks.
"Yes, Craig. I know what you mean. I'm not as stupid as I used to be."
"You were never stupid." I laugh at him.
"Are you kidding? It took me this long to figure out that you… that you… " I trail off. Fuck it. I'm scared.
"That I like you." He says. I can tell it took all his strength to say it with a straight face.
"Yeah. That."
"Didn't anyone tell you about it?" Craig looks taken aback.
"Well sure, but I didn't really believe it."
"Yeah well, I didn't believe it at first." Craig smiles to himself. He feels stupid.
"Yeah, I could tell." There's a long silence. A LONG silence. Seriously, all we hear is Cartman telling a lame joke to his friends.
"I'm sorry I acted that way, Tweek." Craig says suddenly. "I didn't know what to do after what you said at the hospital. When you said you didn't like me, I was so freaked out. It was my worst fear come true. You basically rejected me, and that was the last thing I wanted." I slump.
"I can't believe I said those things. I'm so sorry, Craig. I should've been straight with you."
"I should've as well. Anyway, what's done is done."
"Yeah, you're right."
"Ha, it's funny. The moment you saw me, you liked me, right?" I nod, me feeling stupid this time.
"When did you start liking me?"
"Well… I seriously at first didn't care for you. The only reason I wanted to meet you is because of your interesting name, and the fact that the night before, Kenny'd called me in the middle of the night and said he'd met you. I asked him 'So?' and he went 'You're gonna like him when you meet him tomorrow.' I got freaked out by the fact he knew I was gonna meet you and hung up. I'm actually still sorta pissed that he was right about me liking you."
"But didn't you wonder what they were doing here? You said you had no idea that Cartman was in here."
"I assumed they were visiting Kenny's brother."
"Oh."
"Anyway, when I got to school the next day, I kept telling everyone about you, and then Kenny said, in front of everyone as a joke, 'Jeez, it's like you're fucking in love with him or something.'"
"He probably knew how this would all turn out. He was trying to irritate you."
"I'm sure he did know. So yeah, I kicked him in the nuts for that and just walked away. But I started to wonder if I really had a teensy crush on you, and wanted to make sure. That's why I couldn't stop talking about you, and asking if I could visit you."
"You did?"
"Yeah, but maybe it was just becuase I wanted to be your friend so badly. That's what I thought anyway. But I think when I really started to love you is when we tried to escape and you yelled out to me that apology." I look to my side proudly.
HAHA, I WAS RIGHT! MY FEELINGS DID REACH HIM! HAHA!
"…I started getting freaked out after that, since you were literally all I started thinking about. That's why I couldn't sleep."
"I'm so sorry for causing you all these problems."
"Hey, don't apologise. Everything's fine now."
"Yeah, I guess. Kenny showed me that everything would be alright."
"He showed you?"
"Mmm."
"Typical Kenny. Ha, just look at them. They're so predictable." I do as Craig says and look at them. Cartman's still sitting in the same place, while Kenny pats his shoulder to comfort him, and while Kyle looks like he's struggling to apologise. Stan's just looking like he's in hell.
"They may not look it, but they're extremely close. They were together when they were babies."
"Seriously?"
"Yeah. That's why, even though Cartman isn't particularly fond of them, he treasures them greatly."
"But was it true about that bastard child thing?"
"Yeah. Turns out one of the people he killed was his dad. He only found out a week ago. But he was more concerned about being half-ginger than killing his own father."
"But what about his mother?"
"…You'll see her for yourself soon. Let's not talk about her."
"Alright then…"
"God, I'm tired. I hope I'll be awake enough for tonight."
"What did you do last night anyway?"
"Well, since you were gonna pretend to be me, according to Kenny, I had to be gone. Kenny took me and fucking jumped us off the building. When we realised everyone had been sent home by my dad, Kenny went to South Park and fetched a few people and came back. I was hiding in the toilets the entire time. Token bribed the cook, and we decided to hide here. About half an hour later Kenny suddenly got up and said you were awake. We all volunteered to go get you, but Kenny insisted. Yeah, as you and Kenny were fucked, Kyle and Cartman took a chance and went through the vents."
"How is it that they knew the way and didn't know the way back?"
"Kyle memorised it. He must've forgot it and gotten confused with the backwards way."
"Ohhh…"
*SMASH*
Everyone jumps and turns to Kenny, who purposely smashed a bottle of wine to get our attention. A little extreme, but ok…
"Everyone, we're escaping tonight, and it's now 7.00am, since Kyle and Cartman… " He gives them a look. "Took a whole hour and a half getting Tweek through those vents. We need to leave here at about midnight, since there's almost no one around at those times. Since almost all of us stayed up all night, we need to sleep a lot to be energetic tonight, or else we're screwed. Understand?"
"How the fuck are we meant to sleep in here?"
"Just grin and bear it, Cartman. Grin and bear it."
"WAKEY-WAKEY!"
"AHHHHHHHHHHH!" I scream and jump up, hitting Kenny right in the face in defence. Serves him right. He falls to the floor laughing. I shakily stand up and glare at him. Did he really have to do it in my ear?
"Man, that was funny." Kenny says as he gets up again, still giggling. I see something in his right hand. It's a… a…
"You used a megaphone on me?" I yell. "Where the hell did you get one? It hurt my ear so bad!"
"Hehe, secret. Ha, watch this." I look around and see everyone. Craig's fallen asleep in the corner closest to me. Stan's curled up with Kyle and Cartman under a HUGE rack of fruit and vegetables. Token and Cyde have fallen asleep in the middle of the room. Butters is sleeping while leaning against the door. And Pip's somewhere under a bunch of bread. Typical Frenchie… oh wait, he's British.
Any fool can tell Kenny's gonna wake them all up.
Kenny inhales deeply and shouts into the megaphone.
"WAKE UP, FAGGOTS!"
Craig jumps up so high that he loses balance and falls backwards on his head. Kyle reacts first, lifting up his head and banging it on the rack, making lots of carrots and apples fall on Stan and Cartman. Token and Clyde yelp and sit up, looking at each other in alarm. Butters opens his eyes frantically, clutching his heart. Pip doesn't really do anything. All I hear is a small 'Oh!' and see a little of the bread falling around him.
They all take a pretty long time figuring out it was Kenny. Kenny falls down laughing again. Typical.
Craig gets up, rubbing the back of his head and cursing. Kyle and Stan grumble while looking around, while Cartman shakes carrots off him, quivering. Token and Clyde straighten themselves and stand up. Butters just stares at Kenny, looking dazed. After staring for a while, I see Pip appear under all the bread, looking curious.
"Kenny… you jackass." Stan facepalms. Everyone walks over to the two of us, glaring. Even Butters looks a little annoyed. You don't see that every day.
"Look everyone, it's already 10.00pm. Like I said, we're planning to escape at midnight. That means we only have two hours to plan and get ready for it. The first problem is, who's gonna replace Tweek? If the staff finds out he's missing, then they'll call detectives and all that shit. Someone needs to pretend to be him. Any volunteers?" No one raises their hand. After a while, everyone starts looking at Pip.
"Wh-Why me?"
"You look the most similar to Tweek. Hell, if we cut your hair and gave you green contacts, you'd be his identical twin. So you're gonna stay here, alright?"
"Yes." Pip looks dejected, as if there's no choice. Well, actually there isnt.
"Good. Now the second thing. We can't crawl through the vents. If they're turned on by someone, Tweek will probably get sick again. I can't afford to heal him again, especially on the outside. The problem is, if we use the hallways, the cameras will spot us in no time. We need to deactivate those fuckers."
"But if we do that, the camera dudes will notice and think something's up."
"Yeah, so we need to get rid of them."
"I can shoot 'em."
"No need to be extreme, Cartman. We just need to drug them."
"Where the fuck do we get the drugs?" Kenny pulls a bag of white pills out of nowhere.
"Here. Someone put on a uniform and pretend to be a well-priveleged patient that's able to do work. Put it in the coffee."
"There's still a chance people could see us though…" Token says.
"That's why we're cutting the power off. Everywhere in the building."
"But then they'll know it's sabotaged."
"Damien's gonna 'cause a storm. Pip'll ask him. They're now cell neighbours."
"W-We are?"
"Yeah. Got a problem with that?"
"Well… he isn't very nice to me."
"Suck it up. Craig, you guide Tweek in the dark. Since this hospital is like fucking vanillla ice cream, he won't be able to see anything."
"Neither will we!"
"You'll adjust in like twenty seconds. Tweek won't." Cartman sticks his tongue out. "Stan, you can be the one that gives them the coffee."
"Why me?"
"Becuase you're reliable. Kyle would get impatient, as well as Cartman, Token and Clyde would be distracted by anything, and Craig's recognisable."
"Dammit."