A/N: This song is a hard one; I'd be really surprised if anyone gets this one, so I'll give you the title of the song but not the artist. You guys tell me the name of the artist. I will tell you that she was a fairly new, young, country artist in the late '90's and early '00's. This one is kind of a downer, with vague references to suicidal ideation… You've been warned!

I have a few more of these if you want them, let me know. If not, tell me to shut up and keep them to myself. I'm always surprised with the outcome of the stories, as I start with nothing more than a general idea and go from there. I'm still working on "Beautiful", so those of you who are waiting for that, just hang in there with me. The first five or six chapters are off to the beta now.

The first half of this story isn't really a part of the song, just some of my thoughts and setting the stage for the song-fic. Thanks for reading. It's fairly cathartic to be able to bend these characters to my whim, especially seeing as Shonda and her team is trying to kill our OTP! Lol! Right now, it's not looking too good for our girls. *sadface*

You're Gone

"You weren't on the plane, Callie! You haven't lost anything! Stick out your leg and I'll grab a bone saw and we'll even the score!"

"Apparently, I lost you."

The silence that fills the room after she left me is deafening. Sometimes, I can't believe the stuff that comes out of my mouth. Bile rises in my throat at the thought of what I did tonight. I can't believe that I slept with that woman. I'll never forgive myself for that. Callie has been through hell and back in the last year. She's lost both of her best friends. Physically, she lost Mark, and emotionally me. And I cannot believe that I did this to her. I love her so much that it hurts. She's the mother of my child, one I sort of forgot about for a few minutes this evening. I hate myself. I know I need to go talk to her, but before I can, I need to sort myself out.

I take another swing through the NICU to make sure that all is good. Then, I hit the shower. I try to scrub that woman off of me, out of me. I feel disgusting. Callie has been dying for sex, and since we've gotten that part of ourselves back, she almost can't get enough; Lord knows I made her wait long enough for it. So, why I thought I needed to go elsewhere for sex, and that's all it was: sex, I'll never know and I most certainly won't be able to explain it to Callie. There were no tender touches, no quiet moments of just basking in each other's presence. No talking afterwards, none of the little things that take sex from the physical act to the emotional one. Nothing that makes it worth the time and effort. I got her off and left. She was calling out to me, wanting me to come back so she could finish me off, but I know that there's no way I could relax enough to actually have an orgasm with her. Once the cloud of hormones started to lift from my head and I looked down into hazel eyes instead of the chocolate brown that I love, the ones I looked into as I pledged my life to her and said our wedding vows, I wanted to throw up right there. I still can't believe I actually did that. FUCK!

I find Callie sitting at the desk looking at her wedding band. I ask her if we can talk, and she shuts me down. I know that I can't leave things like they are, but I don't want to push her. You push Callie and she pushes back and then shuts down. I know that I need to give her time, but I want to stop the thoughts before they can create some scenario where I'm going to run off with Lauren and just forget about her, because, honestly, there's no forgetting Callie Torres, my wife. My WIFE. God, I hate myself for the last two hours. Well, honestly, the last year. I just hate myself all around. I know I haven't been a good wife, friend or partner. I haven't been anything that Callie needs.

Maybe I should just let her go. Cut her loose of my dead weight and let her go be happy with someone else. But I can't. I'm too selfish for that, and I don't think I could handle the thought of her with anyone else. That's another thing I've been lately, selfish. I love her so much it makes my chest hurt to think of letting her go. She agrees to meet me before she goes home.

I take the time to think of what I want to say to her, but really, after all that we've already said, I don't know what else there is to say. I know I have a lot of groveling to do, a ton of apologizing. But how do I apologize for Lauren making me feel attractive and wanted? She didn't know me in the before. I was enough for her just as I am: a blonde doc who just happens to be minus a leg. And I don't think I need to apologize for that. I know that Callie loves me and finds me attractive, but sometimes I feel like she's staying and forcing herself to be attracted to me. And I hate that. There's so much I hate these days. Hate doesn't even seem to be a strong enough word anymore. And right now, I am at the top of the list of things that I hate. Callie and Sofia would eventually be fine without me. Right? They're getting along just fine without Mark. Sofia is still young enough that she probably wouldn't even remember me. Part of me wants to run, to bail. But, I promised Callie that I wouldn't bail again, and I've already broken that promise once. I didn't physically bail, but emotionally I did. I totally checked out for months when I know Callie needed me the most. Her best friend laid in a coma for weeks before dying and she had to do most of the arrangements for his funeral, and I just laid in bed and pretended not to hear her crying when she thought I was asleep. I just couldn't find it in myself to even reach over and hold her hand. I was so angry at everything then. I'm past that now, and I'm ashamed of my behavior. I've been such a selfish bitch. And I keep doing it, even when I try not to be. God, I wish I could leave this hospital. I want to go get drunk. I think I still have most of the bottle of pain pills in the bathroom too. I could take 6 or 8 of them and sleep this nightmare away for a few days. But, Hunt is calling an emergency board meeting and the ER looks like a war zone, so I guess I'll stay sober for a while longer. I wish I could just rewind this day and start over. Maybe it's all a bad dream and I'll wake up soon and things will be good, like they were when I got up this morning, before I fucked my whole life up.

"I just put Dr. Boswell on a plane," Jackson says as he walks into Meredith's room, ready for the board meeting.

"Who's Dr. Boswell?" Cristina asks the room in general. Callie has been sitting on the window sill avoiding everyone since I walked in. She's been crying, and I want to comfort her, but I know that I'll just be rebuked, so I stay near Bailey who's holding little newborn Bailey.

"She's the woman Arizona slept with last night," Callie spits, as she's walking out of the room. My face turns bright red and I wish for a giant sink hole to just open up and swallow me whole. The whole room goes silent, all eyes on me. Except for the Baileys; she just keeps talking to the baby, him making those baby squeaks and snuffling noises that they do. I don't know that I've ever felt more ashamed than I do right now.

Callie brushes past me, and her eyes find mine. The hurt and anger I see there breaks my heart. I wish I could go back. More than I wish I could get my leg back. More than I wish I'd never broken up with Callie over the baby issue. And more than I wish I'd never gone to Africa. It seems like all my heartbreaking moments in my adult life revolve around Callie. All I've done is hurt her. I follow her to an on-call room, and she locks the door behind me and flops down on a bed. I can see the pure exhaustion and devastation on her face. And I want to fix it. But I don't know how, or even if I should try. And I wish I could take back all the words that cut like a knife.

I start to try to tell her how I feel, but no words are forthcoming. My brain seems to have shut itself off. "Callie, I'm so, so incredibly sorry," I start, tears stinging my already painful eyes. She won't make eye contact with me, and it's killing me. I want her to lie to me if she has to; tell me that we'll be just fine, that everything will be alright. I want her to tell me that she's not going to leave, that we can start over tonight. She promised to never leave, that she wouldn't run. But, I promised to love her and cherish her above all others, and I broke that promise.

Even though she's standing in front of me, she's gone. That's plain to see. The look that she gives me when she finally does look up at me screams "Goodbye". I want to beg her to stay. She starts to say something, her mouth opening and closing a few times, then she shakes her head and gives a rueful chuckle. Finally, she says, "I thought we were through the hard part. I thought we were good again," the same words she said earlier, her voice barely above a whisper. "I think I just need to get away for a while," she tells me. I want to ask if she'll come back, if she's going to take Sofia from me. We tried to do the second parent adoption thing when Sofia was little, but Mark was still alive then, and the lawyer we talked to said that there's no way that the state would grant a third parent adoption, so I know I have no legal rights to her, and that breaks my heart. We never got around to doing anything legal about Sofia after Mark died, and until tonight, I didn't think it mattered.

I try again to tell her to just stay, but her eyes say it all. I've always been able to read her face like an open book. Her eyes are so expressive, and that's one thing that I love about her... One of millions of little things I love about her. Her face is closed off, her eyes shut and lips pursed. And I can see that she's gone. Tears pool in the corners of her eyes, and she sniffs and blinks them back. Her heart is breaking and it's. All. My. Fault…. Again. I was never good enough for her. She deserves someone who won't do this to her, someone who won't break her all the time. She's such a strong person, and to see her break like this kills me. But, it's a look I've seen in her eyes before. Whether she goes or stays physically, she's gone. And it's time for me to face the truth: my world is crumbling around me and there's nothing I can do to stop it now. I can tell her mind is made up. She's leaving, and there's nothing I can say or do to stop her. She deserved to be able to go.

I know that I'll never love anyone like I love Callie. She is the one for me. The "Big One". Ever since I saw her in Joe's when she crashed my date with, was it Jessica? Julie? Jamie? I don't even remember her name. I know that she tried to take me to bed, and I let her at first. But I couldn't follow through. I got up and left about half way into our heated make-out session. She was pretty enough, but she wasn't Calliope, so I pushed her off of me, pulled my shirt back on and threw hers at her while I grabbed my purse and shoes and told her that I needed to go, that I was sorry and I left her, hot and wet in her bed. And the rest, as they say, is history. I asked Callie out the next day, and I haven't been with anyone other than Callie ever since. Until tonight. Bile rises in my throat again, and this time I can't keep it down. As I'm vomiting into the trash can, Callie gets up and leaves the room with a disgusted shake of her head and a look that makes me vomit again from the heartbreak evident there.

I get home to an empty apartment. Her side of the closet is nearly empty, Sofia's clothes and diapers are gone and all of their toiletries are gone as well. She's gone, and it's time for me to face the truth. My world just fell apart, and I don't know what to do anymore. She's gone. They're gone. She took Sofia, and I don't know where they are. I'm pacing, starting to get mad and head back to the hospital to argue with the nurse who steadfastly refuses to page Callie 911 for me. I've already called and paged her about twenty times with no results. It's the only thing I can think to do, other than call the police. But, again, I have no legal rights to Sof, so they won't do anything anyway. She's gone, and she took my baby. The one I fought for. The one I fought to make her heart start beating. The one who cries for me in the middle of the night. The one I love as much as I love her mother.

She...they are gone.