It's morning and the sun is barely visible outside. I'm sitting next to his bed. His face is almost transparent. His skin looks like thin silk paper. He's so beautiful, he must have been crafted. Or painted or sculpted. I brush his cheek. He doesn't wake up.

I know he's fine, the doctor said so. Yet I worry. I remember his strength when he wanted to jump, when he resisted. And his frailty when he was faced with living again. I whisper his name "Will..."

But he doesn't hear me.

I wake up and I don't know where I am. It's not my room. I turn my head and I recognize the window. I've been here before. In that bed. I move a little and it's hard because of the heap of covers and comforters I'm buried under. Are they trying to keep me prisoner? They don't need to. I won't run again. I'm not really better but I've be given love. By Marlena and by a stranger. I try and picture him. Or remember who he was. But my brain is weakened. I try and call but my voice is weak too. My body is failing me.

There's a hand and an arm. I look up. That's him. The stranger. Sonny. He knows everyone. He's here with me. I sigh and he turns from the window. It hurts to see his face.

He's up. He looks bad now. Tensed. His smile is fake. But he's awake. I smile too. "How are you Will?" He opens his mouth and then he closes it. Maybe he still hasn't got his voice back. Or maybe it's a difficult question.

He's sitting near the fire place. Marlena is nest to him with a book, one of her hand on his sleeve. I'm about to go grocery shopping. No news of Samantha yet. EJ has taken the children out. We are all lost. Dad has left to meet Lucas. He said he might be able to reach out to him as he has a gay son too.

I haven't gone near him since the morning. He just sits there, with empty eyes. We give him space. If I close my eyes, I still see him. As he was yesterday. All that went through these very eyes. The despair, the gratitude, the hurt, the hope. I want all of it back. I want to get to know him and I can't because he's an empty shell.

Mom looks at me as we go out. "You were really shaken. Your eyes don't sparkle anymore. My poor baby..." I don't need your compassion, Mom. He does. He's lost in a valley of shadows and we have to get him back. We have to get his parents here.

I look through the window. The horizon is pale blue above the sea line. It's quiet but it's not peaceful. It's empty. I'm empty. And I'm cold. There's a fire in the chimney. EJ has spent an hour to start it, so that I can sit by it. Why does he bother? He's got her. She loves him, but not me. He said things, he said it will get better. He means well. But his acceptance is not the same. He cannot wound me. He's not my Dad. My Dad has refused me the right to exist. Now I'm sitting, weak and empty and it's my fault. I shouldn't be like that. I should be happy and careless and preparing New Year's eve. I've failed them on and now everything is ruined.

I'm running again. The day is bright, the wind has stopped. I can see the landscape caressed by the light. The bushes were roughed up yesterday, but they're still there, survivors of all the passed storms, stubbornly living on the frontier between earth and sea.

My eyes are puffed, my arm aches from carrying him, but the fresh, pure air is filling my lungs again and I feel hopeful for Will. Even if I don't know how to reach to him.

The beach is different today. The water is clear and reflects the sun, the waves are lazy and quiet. I hop down the creak. Damn, those cliffs are high, what if he had fallen, what if I had failed? Just underneath his jumping point, the waters are rough, gurgling and splashing. I shiver.

I see her on the path, her eyes in the vague, her head bent down. She has trouble walking but I don't hold my hand. When I see her, I see him. She's so beautiful. He looks exactly like her. How could she reject him? My knees are weak. This could have been me there, running toward nothingness.

She passes by me, she's lost in her head. Should I leave her some space? It's very important that I do the right thing and I have no idea what it is. I could call Marlena or my father but what they do is crucial too. Will needs his grandmother next to him and focused and Justin needs to bring Lucas to reason.

So it's my lot. I call her "Sami!" but she doesn't hear. I follow her to that same spot. I keep going there. Where my life changed. Where I got saddled with someone else's life. And yet what I remember is not the cliff but when I first saw him running ahead, on the path, his energy, his essence, hitting me in the guts.

The stones on the beach are cold and sad. She's crying. Maybe, that's good. I can reach her. She doesn't know about me. I touch her shoulder and she jumps. "Oh, god! Oh, it's you... Oh my god, how is he?" She's full of energy too. A dark one. I can't do this. But I have to.