The house is made of dark wood. It's old and comfy. Marlena bought it with her husband before he left her. The façade is bare and intimidating but the inside is full of light and love. My façade is a smiling one and my inside is barren and cold.
She's arranging flowers. White ones. She's put the mistletoe on the chimney's shelf. She'll hang it later. She tells me everything she does to distract me. It doesn't work but it's helpful. I feel connected to life, by a shred. She knows it. She knows me and yet she's outside.
"Why didn't he wait? I told him to wait. So that I could be there with him." They're whispering very loudly, in the kitchen. I can hear every word. I agree. I should have waited. But Dad wanted to know and once I had told him and he couldn't deal, I needed to tell Mom, so that I could breathe again. Well...
The door creaks and I turn again. I turn each time and it's never him. Is he trying to avoid me? He's young and gorgeous and I'm bringing him down. But when he's there, I feel less weak. I borrowed his warmth and now we're linked. I'm alive through him.
It's not him.
EJ is at the door. Sami walks to him "Let's go. Where are the children?" "Go where?" "Away from here. Let him stay with Marlena. She'll be better at dealing with him than me, obviously..." EJ looks at me then back at her "The children aren't going anywhere without their big brother and neither am I. Will needs all the family he can around him after what happened. He's not my blood but I love him like a son and I won't let him sink. I'm disappointed in you, Sami, and afraid for the children we have together if you're ready to throw them under the train like that." She slaps him. I go inside.
He turns to me and once again the time is slowing down and I feel strangely calm and at peace. Yet I'm carrying bad news. And Marlena isn't there. I walk to him and kneel down. It's awkward to hug him now. Yet he was against my heart before, so trusting. I want to find that again. His blond hair caresses my cheek like the wing of a small bird. He's not crying and that's worse.
"I'm sorry." His posture changes. His chest sags. His arms are limb. He's a puppet and I can't find the strings. Ej comes in "Samantha has left, Will. She said she needs some time alone. I wish I could change her mind. Do you mind if your brother and sisters come to spend time with you or is it too much?" I don't think he's heard the last part. I hold him or he'll fall. I shook my head. EJ retreats.
Marlena is crying on her desk. Dad has called. He needs more time with Lucas. Mom sighs "And once again, Sami Brady spoils everyone's fun. I'm so sorry Sonny, I'm sure you didn't picture this vacation like that. Poor, Will... I'm really happy you're not like that, honey." "Like what?" "He lacks confidence in himself. With Sami as a mom, I get why. She's completely screwed him over. It's sad that someone so young gets cut off at the roots like that." "He's not dead, Mom. Who says he won't be able to reconstruct himself? They are plenty people who go through much worse and turn out fine." She looks doubtful. I go see the kids. They don't really understand. They want to see Will. "He's sleeping, guys. Maybe tonight?"
I like to look at him when he sleeps. He's like a kid himself. We take turns to sit next to him. We can't leave him unattended. I want to stay all the time but they won't let me.
When he's up again, I start talking to him about my travels. I tell him anecdotes and describe the places but it's difficult. It doesn't matter, he's an easy public. He really listens at least. He even asks questions. His voice is so soft. I wonder how it will sound when it's healed?
His touch is aerial. I want to kiss his hand. I want to sleep in his bed so that he feels protected. So that he stops trembling under the warm blanket I've wrapped around him. He's not fighting but he's so weak.
His voice is so nice. He's seen so much. I envy him. His parents, his freedom. He's sharing it, generously and I want more. I need a fountain of new life to drink from. He finishes and I look out the window. It's drizzling. It all grey and getting dark. I want my mommy back. I want her love, even if it's imperfect. I want her to give me back my reality. I want to exist, even as a shadow. I promise, I'll stay in a corner, I won't bother anyone. But I need myself back.
I hate myself for being weak. I hate that the only thing this man here sees is this emptiness. I want to flirt, I want to touch his shoulder. He's gotten up and his spot is still warm. It hurts to see him go.
I eat but the food has no taste. It's hard to swallow. I drink water to help and it makes me cough. Marlena looks at me with concern so I grin and it's worse.
I take warm bathes but I'm still tensed. I saw my brother and sisters tonight. They've all hugged me and I know what I need now. A massage. But not from grandma. From Sonny. And I don't dare ask him.