We're on the couch again and this time I can't take his feet between my thighs. I can't hold him tight and shield him with my chest and arms. I'm aching for not allowing myself to touch his skin. It's as pure as light milk.
"My Dad is coming tomorrow. He called." His voice is one of a child. I can't take advantage. I can't soil that skin. Those profound sea-colored eyes. I tap his knee "That's fantastic. I'm sure he'll come around. Many parents do. Whatever happens, I'll be there for you." I have forgotten to tap. My hand is flat on his leg. He doesn't flinch. His eyes are pure. I drown.
"Sonny?" "Yes?" His voice is a caress. "What do you like?" He takes his hand away. I shiver. He frowns and puts it back. "The mountains. The clear air and the sky. Climbing. Men..." He grins. I grin back, I try to. His hand goes from my thigh to my shoulder. "I like the way the light of the fire plays on blond hair." There's less distance now. His finger play with my locks. He's leaning. I can't breathe. I'm going to shatter in little pieces. I don't want to move, ever.
"Sonny, I had a nightmare! Where is daddy? Where's mommy?" He releases my arm, I want to shout. Not at Syd. She's a cutie. It's my fault Mom isn't there. I'll go away. Syd and Johnny, they need their mother. I'll go with Dad and we'll paste the pieces of us back.
Syd climbs on my lap "Dad says I must not bother you. Did I do something bad, are you angry at me?" She's a light in my tunnel. Sonny was touching me and she interrupted but I'm not mad. I feel tranquil. For the first time. She's frail in my arm and trustful. I'm still her brother, she still loves me. I look into her eyes and my heart is released of its prison.
"I'm not feeling well, sweetie. But it's not your fault, it's mine." "No!" We both turn to Sonny. His voice is rough. He is the one who is mad. Syd recoils.
"I'm sorry Syd, I didn't mean to startle you. It is not your fault, it really isn't. But it's not Will either. It is no one's fault. It's just a complicated situation." Syd looks like a doll but she's tougher than me. She sits on the couch and asks "You mean it's a grown-up thing that I can only understand later?" No. It's something none of the grown-ups involved can make sense of.
Sonny sighs. His face is always in movement. His emotions paint his face in all sort of shades and lights. "Actually, not. You see, your brother has discovered something about what he likes, what he is and it's new and frightening and you know how one acts weird, when they're scared?" "Oh, yeah! When Johnny sees a spider, he yells and runs everywhere!" ""And are you afraid of spiders?" "No. I think they're funny and I like when they walk on my hand, it tickles." "Well, the spider was born to be a spider, but some people are afraid of it, like Johnny, and other can accept it right away like you. In the same way, your mom is afraid of what Will is, even though it makes him sweet and funny. We just have to hope that she will conquer that fear." Syd's forehead wrinkles. She looks solemn. Then she asks, with a little voice, trembling like a feather "Mommies have fears too?" It feels good to laugh. But Sonny doesn't give up. Is he talking to her or to me? " The thing, is, Sydney, she will need to make an effort to get over that fear and it will take time, so in the meantime, you should give Will extra love."
They're asleep in each other's arms. I cover them with a blanket. Then I make some coffee for me. I hear everyone coming home. Marlena and Mom are arguing. "You don't have to stay, Adrienne. We can deal on our own." "It's not that, Marlena, I understand and I want to help, Will, I really do, but I have to think about Sonny. I don't think it's good for him to be here. He's young and..." And, I finish in my head, you're afraid I'll get attached to Will. Well, it's too late. It was too late the moment I first saw him. I'll have to fight her, stop her treating me like a child. I'll do it for Will. His recovery is more important than her need to feel she's being a good parent. She has been. She is. But I'm strong enough and he isn't, not yet.
I don't want to deal with them now. I walk out in the night. The stars are switched on. I lean back against the back door and take a moment to breathe the cold air and lose myself in the bright canvas that the sky has woven. I think about Will. I don't want him to feel like he is a spider. But I can't go inside his head and turn the wheels the way I want them to. It's his path. I can only be there to be sure he doesn't fall again.