There's a storm outside and the stars have hidden. Only remains the faded light of the one that I'm protecting. He's back in his bed and he looks too small, abandoned by the heavens, so alone. I'm here but he doesn't know. My heart is beating fast somewhere beneath his hand. I don't move, his touch is ethereal. He's asleep and his arm is stretched outside the bed, searching me, searching my warmth. I don't move and I'm hurting. How will I go on? The lightning bolt's deafening screech splits me in two and I'm letting go.

He's tossing and turning, the clamor is waking him up. I hold his hand, like a precious pearl in the valves of my palms. His eyes are open but does he see me? Does he know I cry for him and for me? He takes his arm back, he's looking around. I brush his hair and it's humid. The dreams he's fighting are making him sweat. He's mumbling. I lean and I hear "Dad?"

"He's not there, yet. It's too early. Go back to sleep." His voice is broken, the shells are falling on the mattress. He was holding my hand and I was afraid, I couldn't bear the swelling of my heart. But I hold it again, I touch his cheek and they're wet. He's so strong and now he's not. I yield. I can't weaken him.

I sit as straight as I can. His eyes are opaque, curtained by the tears that I have caused. "Go away." He's frowning and I know why. He doesn't understand yet. I have to be strong. For a few minutes. For the eternity of being near him and never more. "It's OK, Will, I'll sleep later. Go back to sleep." No. No. "Go away. Leave." "It's OK Will. I'll stay. Lie back."

I will never heal. I'll walk my life limping from the lack of him but I owe him that. Somewhere in me, I find the tone. It's icy like the raindrops of the winter's storm. The words line in my head and I regret them already. I look away, his face is too soft and his eyes are piercing my soul again. He must not know. "Leave this house, Sonny. I don't need you. Leave with your parents. I need my own family." The tumult in my head is louder than the noise of the thunder outside. I will be deaf with grief and he'll be free. From me and my illness. From my barren soul.

He's the one in need and I'm hurting. So much. I've failed him. He's locking himself in his tower of grief and I've lost the key. I can't fight, he's too weak. His body is a rock and the waves of my devotion are crashing around. I have to agree and I can't do it. Our fathers are coming in a few hours. Where will he be then? Lost in silence and loneliness or surrounded by maddening uproar? If I go now, he'll sink. He was getting better. I was reaching to him.

I've lost. I reach for his hand for the last time. It's a trembling mouse under the covers. I press and I say without words my sorrow and my affection. I stand up and take a step and two and look at the bed. He's waiting, still uptight. He won't rest unless I obey. He's stronger than I thought. I walk on, stretching that link we shared until it snaps.

If his father doesn't protect him, I'll kill him.

He's gone and I'm alone. My chest is hurting. I yell with the wind, so they don't hear me. He was flirting with me, maybe, and now I've lost him. The hours are so long. The sun never comes. Are every night unending? Has time stopped?

I have no water left. My eyes are itching and arid. But I still have to get up. The bathroom is so far. I'm so tired. I'm whining. "Sonny..."

The sink is cold. It's invading my bones. I hear my sister laugh around me. She was in my arms and the world made sense. What was I dreaming? Why did it make me reject him? Now I am the child and the noise is scaring me.

The fireplace is empty and cold, like me. I've taken all the covers and I'm crouched on the couch, looking at the seconds as they pass by me. I thought I could do it but I need him. I need his strength, I need his smile and his bright words. I need an armor and I can't build it. The clock is broken. He left ages ago. Not fifteen mere minutes. I close my eyes and I'm back on the beach. The storm is the same, the hurt is still there. And I see him, as I passed him on the cliffs. I didn't notice but he was there. And he stopped and looked at me. Is it too late? Can I ask him again? Am I worth it?

I need to sleep but if I do I'll miss him and he'll be gone. I don't know where he sleeps. I need to stay awake. I'll make some coffee.

The cup falls and breaks in the kitchen sink. My hand is shaking. The coffee machine makes a hissing noise that echoes in my skull. It's stopped, thankfully. I take a glass, it will do. I need to stay awake, I need to talk to him, repair the trust we had. The night has confused me.

I look down and there's a cup. It's smoking. I didn't fill it. There are lips on my temple and a whisper "I'm here."

I don't drink the coffee. I fall asleep in his arms on the couch. I've told him "Don't go, don't leave me. Never go." and he's answered "I can't."