My head is burning. My chest is burning. I'm suffocating from the heat. I yank the covers and they slide on the floor. But I'm still against something warm. Someone. I look on the side. Sonny has quiet eyes. His lips are tranquil and slightly upturned and this serene smile is brushing my clouds away, revealing a clear sky, the same one I can see through the window. The fire is burning strong, a few feet away and as much as I love being in Sonny's arms, I need to go somewhere cooler. But I can't take him with me. We don't talk, we just look at each other and all makes sense. I belong there, in these arms, wrapped around me, bringing me solace. I'll bear the fire, I'll stay there on the couch as long as he does.
The wood has an ancient smell. He's awake and he hasn't stood up. His eyes aren't empty anymore. They are trembling with unsaid longing. The couch is our quiet tiny mountain, away from whatever might hurt him, a refuge for us only. The year is ending and I have lost my freedom, I have been tamed. The other mountains will stay untouched. I have found him, my survivor, my second heart and his journey will be mine, forever.
Somewhere, in the house, someone is cooking. The noises are soft and repetitive. I hear kids shouting and running. Was he like them? Innocent and happy? Or was he born fragile, already, emotions on the verge of his lips, his heart too big for his chest?
We don't move and the world is turning around us. I am the one in need now. Of his trust, of his secrets. Of all that's hidden in his head, the beautiful and the colorful, the dark and the gloom. I want to know him. So I lean and my lips press on his skin, softly. I kiss his forehead, not to frighten him. He closes his eyelashes, he sighs.
"What is going on! Who is that? You let his boyfriend follow him here! Get out of my son this instant!" The man's voice is loud. His gestures are loud too. He catches my shirt and I let him. I hear his fear and his sorrow underneath the hard tone. He's like Will, he's loving too much and he doesn't know me. "Lucas, let him go. He's my son. He was comforting him. He's the one who saved him."
I'm still on the couch and it's sinking. Sonny's kiss has wings that lifted us in the sky and now I'm alone. Surrounded by people who care. They're arguing, they're explaining and I want quiet. I get up. I go to my room.
The coat is too big and the boots are thin. There were my step-grandfather's, the one that broke Marlena's heart. The one who took away her strength, along with her soul. I open the little door by the woodshed and I step out. It's the first time I'm outside again. The landscape is unreal and breathtaking. The sound of the waves is friendly and timid. I walk up the road, to the top. Maybe they'll stop shouting, maybe, they'll notice. I don't care.
The clouds are back and it drizzles. The droplets run down my exposed neck. I put the hood up and it's too big, I can't see. I go faster, I can hear the voice of the sea, calling me. When I've almost reached the edge of the cliff, I look around and I see it.
I climb till I'm up in the sky and I take a step. The world is around me, endless, all in blue and grey. I'm calm. I'm on my own now, but I can cope. I feel the kiss on my skin still. I wanted to give one back, but my father was there. He didn't even talk to me. He lost himself in his anger and he forgot that's it's the problem. I will be kissed. By men. And no kiss will feel ever as profound and shattering than the ones I've just received. He won't know, he'll go away, kicked out by my dad or lured by more happy and tempting stuff. Other men who won't be broken. I belong to him and he doesn't know how much, or for how long.
"Will, Will? Where are you?" The sea doesn't answer. The rocks are silent. I have to find him. I have to tell him that his dad understands, that he's calmed down. We've talked and he promised so I went to Will's bed, to bring him back and he wasn't there. He was nowhere. The worry is too strong, my legs are betraying me. I follow the road, looking around the desolate plateau. Beneath, there's the sea, awaiting his sacrifice and I run again. The lighthouse is blocking my view. I go round it and I reach the end, the pit of my dreams newly formed. I hear his voice, loud and clear, from above.
"Sonny, look up! I'm here, I'm fine! Come, join me, the view is so beautiful!" He's standing on the lighthouse platform, fifty feet from me. My heart overflows.
I hear his pace and I turn. He's gorgeous. I look away again and I point, anywhere, so he won't know how shaken I am to be near him. He had brought me calm this morning, now he's tearing my soul in two. He has something in his hand. He opens it. The umbrella is large and he comes nearer so that it protects us both.
He says words and I don't hear them. Until he says "Dad" and now I do. He's waiting for me. He thinks we should stay, be a part of the new year celebration and also talk things out. He's told Sonny. He's waiting. I look at the sea again, to forget Sonny's mouth, how it moves when he talks. The sun is piercing the clouds, there's a ray of light and it's a sign. I'll go. I used to be afraid of heights, but now I'm afraid of me, of these feelings in my blood, of those urges to jump in his arms and steal his breath.
He takes my hand as we go down the stairs. The rain has stopped and I take off my hood. He smiles. The road isn't lonely anymore. Somewhere, somehow, I've become a person again. I'll survive.