My dad is there. Ready to apologize. But he has failed once and now I see him differently. He has lost my loyalty. From now on, I'll question his words, always. I know he can be hurtful, I know he can be wrong. And it hurts. The ground has been swept from under my feet and I'm on my own, in front of that stranger I know so well and so little. Sonny has gone to the kitchen, leaving me with the sensation of his hand in mine and amongst the doubts and the fears, there is that little certainty, this anchor, linking me to my reality.
"I'm so sorry, Will, for reacting so badly." "When? Today or when I told you I was gay?" He looks hurt. No, dad, you're not allowed to be, I'm the one in pain. I'm the one who jumped towards the forgiveness of the sea. With all her loudness and dangers, she was more welcoming than my own parents. I try and tell him that, express how much I needed him then and now, it's going to take me so much time to trust him again. His eyes are stupid, I want to shove him, I want him to hug me and swears everything will be all right. He doesn't know, he doesn't understand. I thought he would save me, repair me and he can't, he's as lost and as small as I am. He came here, he wants to help, but he'll have to make one more step. The mistletoe is hanging. I walk to it and I call Sonny.
He didn't jump this time. He conquered his fears. He stood tall and beautiful against the hell that is life and in it, he found the heavens. Now, I know he can face his father and win. I've left him near the chimney, so that its warmth can replace mine a little. I sit and Marlena brings me some toasts and coffee. She's still tensed so I tell her about this morning, how I didn't find Will but he found me, and now there is hope. "I'll talk to him later. I haven't tried, yet, not really. I was broken too, I think... Since my husband left, I have become a shadow, I have forgotten Will and his needs." I put my toast down "It's far from being too late. He has that energy in him, that purity that will drive him." She smiles. She opens her mouth but Will is calling me and I have to go.
He's in the hallway, now, but he's taken the fire with him and it's burning in his eyes. His father is far from him, almost out of the window, he's afraid of his son. I calmed him down earlier but it wasn't enough. Will doesn't look at me but he takes my hand. I feel it tremble and he sighs but he's still angry. He points his finger upward and murmurs "Please." He shouts "It's tradition, dad!" and he kisses me. On the lips. And this time, I'm the one who is lost at sea. It's too short and it's too angry but under the dare, I feel his gratitude and his trust. "If you can't stand seeing that, dad, you'd better go. Because that's my future. That's my chance to be happy. With or without a father in my life."
Are they mad? I need dad to be, so that it shakes his disgust, so that he fights his fears. But if Sonny is upset, then I've lost after all. I let him go and I walk out. I sit on the cold ground, near the road. I can hear my brother and sisters, playing on the beach, far from me, in a world made of innocence and grace of which I'm no longer a part of. I hear a door and now the wrong person will come out. If it's Sonny, then I'm an orphan. If it's dad, then I'll have burnt another soul and made my heart a desolate landscape.
But it's neither and I smile like the little kid I once was. My grandmother has sat next to me and her face is clear and clement. "My boy, I have forsaken you." "No, grandma, you were there all along. I had to walk the last steps on my own. I failed and I'm sorry, but now I've just kissed a man and this time it felt so wonderful." "Tell me more..."And we talk. About Sonny, the gem I found, in the depth of my despair, about my dad. But not about her. Not until she comes back. If she ever does.
I'm his. When he calls me, I'll come, if he puts me aside, I'll stay down. But if he wants, I'll offer him the world. I walk to the beach. Lucas is talking with EJ. My father has taken mom out with him earlier, thankfully. I see a kite dancing in front of the grey rocks, so small and so free. The children are drawing patterns of happiness on the sand. They're taming the wind, riding it with the red and green dragon, leaping and flapping in the sky. Johnny sees me and calls the others. He's racing inside. The girls sit me down and grin at me. Their giggling is contagious. The love I carry feels lighter. Johnny rushes back, he's holding a box.
"We wanted to thank you for saving our brother. We heard dad say it and we thought we could give you a Christmas present even if it's not too late? Will you take it?"