I am out and I am strong. I defy the sky. I feel my fears fade away, like the foam on the tip of the waves that I'm contemplating. In the dark, they are gleaming in the moonlight, filling my brand new heart with peace and wonder.
He joins me outside, his footsteps are making my heart beat fast. I know it's him, even though I haven't turned and I hold out my hand behind me. His fingers, wrapping around mine, are soft, like a ribbon skimming over my skin. I can hardly breathe.
His chin rests on my shoulder, completing me. I can feel my chest opening, as a violin inside me starts its melancholic melody. Then it's replaced by his voice and it's a compliment.
"You're so, so beautiful, Will. That's the first thing I thought when I saw you..." I don't finish the sentence, I want to focus on the good memories, I want to share all that I feel, all what I am with him, make him understand how my soul tremble when I'm near him, when I think of him. He's still, next to me, trusting with all his being. My hands meet at the front of his chest, making us both flinch. The desire is threatening my mental balance. I focus on the noise behind us, of clinking glasses and hearty laughs, to keep myself grounded. We are an inch from flying away in the star-filled sky above, discover ourselves and create the strongest link possible.
So I hold on to him, taking in the warmth that he's found again and is giving back, silent and content. He's whispering, maybe, so softly I can't hear. Maybe he's just humming.
"Mmmm? You're saying something?" He coughs. Then, his body turns around in my arms, so fast I can' react and his mouth is on mine. His kisses are feverish, turning my mind into mush.
"When you hold me like that, I feel different, like my skin is burning. Even when I was down, it did. How are you doing this?" His nose is pressed on mine and I can't answer yet. My throat is as dry as chalk dust, my brain is shutting down.
"Will, Sonny, it's time for dessert!" Marlena's voice is happy. We walk back inside, our hands molded in the other's. All eyes are on us, all of them kind, all of them relieved. Even Lucas looks grateful.
Everybody's shouting and even singing. Adrienne looks drunk. Justin is covered in streamers. Sonny is hugging his parents one after the other. The countdown is almost over and he's so far. Will he hold me in his arms again? My father pats my back. I am better. But I want her, there, with her husband, who's sitting near the fire, looking sad, strangling me in a hug, as she always does.
"...Two, One, Zero!" He's moved so fast I didn't see him. He's kissing me and it's ten times the kiss I gave him this afternoon. It's turning my guts inside out and fills them with happy bubbles. I want it never to stop but our families want to talk to us. I hear "happy new year" and I think 'It's a new year and a new life. With Sonny in it.'
EJ hugs me and I feel bad. His pocket vibrates as he does. He goes outside to take the phone call and I guess who it is. Sonny leads me to the couch and we cuddle there, his eyes bearing in mine. EJ comes back and hands me his cell "It's for you, William. Your mother has something to say." I feel Sonny's arm stiffen, but my stepdad looks calm and I grab the phone.
His face is a theater to many emotions. He's slid a little further, keeping the conversation private. I want to know. I want to shout. I wish I could stand up and go talk to dad, to keep my mind off all this, but Will needs me, he needs my finger scraping his. I keep a steely face but my heart is yelling.
He hangs up and puts his hands on his lap. He's not happy anymore, his hair is hiding his eyes, like a curtain of rain. The silent is screaming as all the people in the room have stopped talking and all looking at him. I want to ask, I don't dare. He looks lost. He looks at me and his eyes are frantic.
"She's outside. She wants me to go join her. I don't know what to do." EJ steps up. His voice is unkind "William, you must go and talk with her. She must be reasonable now and we all need to move on." I can see the guilt painting on his face. I get where EJ is coming from but it's not possible. Not like that, not in secret.
"Can't she come in? We won't bite. Will needs us all to keep strong. Don't you see?" I shouldn't have said that. Not with that tone. Now we're all attacking and he can't stand it. I relinquish.
I walk with him to the door, to the porch until we both spot her, hiding in the dark. I know she might have calmed down, but she can still hurt him. I've witnessed her intensity, her selfishness. He's mine now, to protect, to love. I can't let her hurt him again. Or I'll drown with him.
He wants to come. He's my knight but it's not a tale. And she's my mom. I have to do this alone, to stand my ground and regain her respect. I have given up on her love. Let her give it to my brother and sisters, they're too young to live what I did. I can do that, get her to move on and be back to her family. I kiss Sonny softly and I push him away gently. He sighs and walks inside.