The night is carrying rumors, circling around me. She is there, shivering in the cold because she's wearing a dress that has more holes than a swiss cheese. I stand silent, feeling dreary and exhausted. I won't be weak. I have a harbor, to sail back to, whatever happens. I'm untouchable.
"Did you really jump?" "Yes. I trusted you and I trusted dad. I felt I didn't exist anymore." "So it's my fault, isn't it?" She moves towards the porch light. Her eyes are fierce. I can hear the reproach in my heads you're my burden, "You're so complicated, Will. I am not built to be the mother of someone like that. I'll have too much to look out for." "What do you mean?" Her hands are flying in the soft light, painting scenes "I don't want you to get sick. Or to throw your life away. You'll never know romance, you'll never love."
I look at her and I get it. She wants to be in control, she wants me to turn out fine so that she can be looked out with admiration. She knows the power of romance. She's chased it for years, hurting people on the way, falling for empty promises. "Allow me mistakes, mom, allow me to grow up. You can't tell me who to be. I still love you, you know. But if I have to live without seeing you, so be it. I don't plan to sleep around, I have only kissed a random guy once and though it felt much better than any girl, I can't do more with someone I don't have feelings for. I won't make your mistakes." She pinches her lips. I know she won't apologize, ever. But she's listening, she knows me, she knows I'm telling the truth.
They walk in, both blond, both gorgeous, their hair contrasting with the dark of the night. He looks tensed but whole. She stops and looks at all the faces turned to her, judging her. She stays strong. That's who he gets it from, this stubbornness that brings me to my knees. Will walks to me and sits into my awaiting arms. His eyes are full of questions. I want him to ask them but not here, not now. Sami walks to her mother. I can almost see the waves of anger from one to the other and I take a decision. I take Will's hand and I pull him up.
"Where are we going?" "To the attic. That's where I sleep." "Oh, OK, I have slept there in the past. I would have this year too, I guess..." He stops and I think we're picturing the same thing. Him untouched, laying on a bed a few feet from mine, chatting till 2 in the morning, chuckling. Instead, here we are, but I don't really regret it. All the turmoil, all the storm we've been through has stripped him to his chore and exposed his heart and that's what I fell in love with.
We sit on the edge of my bed. Being there on our own, cuddled against each other, far from the others is something I want forever. I suddenly know what his questions must be and I know I will answer just that.
In his eyes, warm and so big they invade his face, I see the promise of spring, of a brighter tomorrow. "Sonny, how long do you want me? Do you want to just live the moment? I don't want just that, I want all. You can say no and still be my friend, my savior. Just tell me." He doesn't, he kisses me. His fingers explore the landscape of my face, putting a balm on my inner scars, quelling my doubts.
Then, in a whisper, he says "I want you forever Will. I saw you near these cliffs and something in me died. And someone was born, who exists for and with you." I feel the tears but I don't have time for them, I want to kiss him so bad. His skin is soft and rough, his lips are mine for now. And maybe forever.
We go back to say good night, well what's left of it. Sonny holds my hand and my dad flinches. Mom looks at us and she frowns. But she comes to me and kisses his cheek "Thank you Sonny, for saving my baby. I was too hurt to think or react that night and I owe you everything." He looks touched. I'm cautious.
EJ might have stood up to her, his arm is around his shoulder now and he looks in a hurry to go to bed. Dad doesn't have a bed, so he'll be on the couch. I'll be in my bed, all alone, dreaming of Sonny and of the new year I'll get with him.
The powder of dreams is missing from my eyes. I am back in my mind to this moment we shared on this bed. When he joined his self in mine, not physically but so totally that I feel like my soul is invaded. I want to sleep, be rested tomorrow, to help him face his mother again. I remember his eyes, the journey they invite me too, the long arctic horizon that lies inside them. I reach to it, I find my dreams.
My father is at the table and the coffee pot is steaming in the cold room. Soon, it'll be filled, soon it'll be warm and busy. We smile at each other. "I'm proud of you son." "Thank you dad." "You've shown your worth. But you've also showed your feelings. Do you love him?" "I think so. I know I barely know him, yet I feel serene and focused in his presence." Dad bites in a toast "That's an unusual statement for a relationship that has just begun. Be careful not to hurt him. I can feel he's still weak. But I think he'll be good for you. From what I see, he knows how to love better than anyone." We stop talking. Everything has been said. I am so thankful for his kindness and positive attitude. He certainly knows how to love. I think about mom, so protective, so cold and mean to him. I don't get her. I know Will is wounded, I'm walking in all this with my eyes open.
He sits at the table and I can't stop smiling. He takes my hand under the table, he puts them on the table. He's not hiding and I love that he doesn't. We hear people arguing and we turn to the door. Sami and Justin are in the doorway.