All around me, there is warmth : the comforter, the thick bed sheets, his arm, and through the door, the light smell of the fire, all of it shielding me, making the moment even more intense. His eyes are searching mine, lazily. He's switched the light on again but he hasn't moved. He doesn't kiss me anymore, either. His chest goes up and down, like a frenzied clock. Mine does the same. I don't know what to hide, I don't know what to be honest about.

His eyes are clearer now. They're almost not blue anymore. They remind me of the quartz mineral on my father's office desk, with the color so light, it's like the fabric of dreams. He offers me a gallery of expressions, from bewildered to confused, to awed, to beaming. I'm taking photographs with my brain, making sure, I never forget this. I'm honored I was his first man, ever, I want to be his only one. We haven't done much, but I can still feel the bond we've woven, hard as steel. He doesn't speak and I wait.

There are no words in this moment. No poetry that can help describe what I feel. I hurt so much, I almost died and it was worth it. Every tear, every doubt. And I will do it again and much more. With him, if he still wants to. The storm is raging in my chest and I want to understand it. I brush his cheek and he tilts his head. I have named the feelings I think, but I should wait. I'm so new to him, I can't scare him away.

I feel the exhaustion wrapping around me. I have waited enough. We both need to know where we stand. I take his hand in mine, fingers soft and limb and I play with them while I say "That was fantastic." His eyes change again and turn into an ocean in which I drown forever. "I..." he can't say it. My insides are tight as I let him find the right wording. "Is it normal?" I sit up on the bed. I didn't expect that at all. "What are you talking about?"

I can hear the disappointment but I cannot do otherwise. He's taken my soul in the shell of his heart; But I have to be sure. "I meant, I've heard having sex is intense and it makes you feel strongly for someone even when there's nothing else and it fades away quickly. I don't know if what I'm feeling now is about that or if it's you and I'll only feel that way around you." He sighs, he moves on the bed and the springs creak a little. "I can't answer that. Do you want it to be the latter?" I nod.

The kiss is long but it's weak. I see his eyelids ready to shut. "Good-night Sonny." "Good-night my Will. Just to say, I've been with other guys before and I've never felt anything like this." His voice falters.

I wake up to his smell. There's a hint of lemon in it. And something more intimate. His eyes are open, reflecting my soul, my truest mirror, the only one I'll ever need. In our cocoon of warmth, with his arms around my neck, like a pulsing, soft scarf, I feel a longing, so strong it hurts inside. To always wake up like that, to find these very eyes every morning, so pure, so heaven-like. I can't ask, not yet, maybe never. And my mother's disapproval is nothing compared to that fear that he might not want me anymore, once the sadness has subsided, once he's back to being careless and beautiful, surrounded by temptations.

I let my heart be soothed by his touch, by his delicacy, by the adoration I can read in him. I'm selfish. He's gone through the last defenses, he's been broken. Whatever he decides later, I'll have helped him and that is all that matters. I love him, I'll be what he needs me to be.

My dad has asked for a walk, along the seaweed, on the shore. He looks at me as if I'm a child again, and it feels so weird. "Do you love him?" I can't answer that, I can't tell him before Sonny. I look down and he understands "Be careful, Will." "Careful of what?" "He might hurt you?" "Hurt me how? How much? I've gone through the pain of feeling I wasn't existing anymore. He's accepted me, he showed me I mattered, that I could be whole again." "Is that what you feel? Gratitude? It's not enough, Will?" "Enough for what? I'm eighteen, dad, not twenty-eight. I'm not getting married or even living with him." I don't add that I want to, so, so much. It won't happen, not so fast, so it doesn't matter. "So, what, you're doing this to piss us off? To shove it down our throat? I'm fine with you being gay, Will, but I expect you to act sensibly?" "Why? Because I have to be better than any of my parents? Who's to say it's a mistake, though? Sonny is respectful. I feel great when I'm around him. Let me try, dad. I have so much to fight again, so many people suffocating me. Don't be one of them. You're better than that."

He sighs and pats my hand, and I know I've won.

I go up the staircase, to change into warmer and cleaner clothes. I walk to my bed. The suitcase is full. Mom is packing it, folding everything neatly. "Mom, what are you doing?" She doesn't even look up "We're leaving Sonny." "Mom, we've talked about this." She sighs "Sonny, must we really do this all the time? I've been patient, I've let you stayed. But now, it's settled. Marlena's voice sounded relieved when I told her I wanted to go." There's a typhoon in my chest, ready to strike. I breathe in a few times, to avoid the disaster. "When have I reverted to being a child? I've traveled the world, I've done my own things. You cannot tell me what I should do. Marlena wants me here." "She wants you to do what she isn't capable of. Take care of her sick grandson." I turn and leave the attic, to punch into a wall. The typhoon has turned against me. I hear her voice behind "Be more grown-up, Sonny. This is an infatuation. It won't last." "Yeahhh, like you and Dad, were?" "I beg your pardon?" "Did your families accept you? Did they try to push you apart?" "That's not the same thing!" "How is it not?" "I really loved your father. And he loved me. He still does. Has Will told you this would last?" "He did, yes. Before anything serious happened."

I didn't take gloves with that revelation and she takes it hard. She throws the suitcase on the bed, all the clothing flowing around. "Then, stay! Let him hurt you and come back to us when you'll be burned and heartbroken. Nothing can come out right from these people. I'm done fighting." I don't follow her, my tongue tastes bitter. I've lost the peaceful state I got from this night. Maybe I'll never get it back.