How do I measure my love for him? A month ago, I didn't know him. The wind brought me over and over to fragrant locations, adventurous meetings, breathtaking sights. It enriched me but it didn't make my skin tremble or my heart fly like that. His smile, when I tell him I'll live near him, is worth a thousand suns, a million stars in the dark of dust above the higher mountain tops. In this moment he looks new. Different. I want to kiss him but I have lost my way in his eyes. And I don't want to find it.
She's in the room and I forget how to breathe. Sonny is standing near the kitchen door, a million miles away. The ghosts of the past are fighting in my head. She's the only mother I have and I love her. I'm not her only child, does she love me? She has the profile of her warrior, one that would look like a delicate child and yet aim to kill.
But Sonny sees her too and walks back to me. His embrace is a shield. She can't strike me now. "Hello, Sonny, thanks for breakfast!" Her smile takes me by surprise. What is going on? He laughs, like a mountain stream bouncing on mossy rocks "E.J. didn't fool you?" "He never did. But a man has his ego. It's the woman's job to..." She stops and her lips are hard again. I feel weary "Mom, don't tiptoe, please. It makes it worse." She sighs now "It's so complicated... I'm trying Will. I really am." "Are you trying to love me again? Is it so hard?" "What are you talking about?" She's screaming so much, I can feel Sonny's body twitch against my back. "Of course I love you Will! How could you think I'm a bad mother! But I can't support everything you do without question. I'm the adult." "I'm an adult too, mom. This is not a bad decision. This isn't a decision at all. I can't live any other way."
I want to share my wisdom, I want to help. But if I do, then Will has still lost. Sami's eyes meet mine. But she doesn't talk to me, just looks, intensely. The same color, the same shape as his, yet without the softness. I stare back. She looks perplexed for a second, then walks past us.
The rain has started to fall, discreetly at first, but now it's much heavier. The sound is soothing and I let my mind wander as I watch Will's sibling run around and climb the couch to play with the cushions. We're sitting on the thick carpet, sometimes offering alternative climbing areas, like knees and backs. Marlena has taken her daughter and her husband out to shop. Will is pensive. I hear his whisper "They would have missed me." "They would have..." He pauses. "I could live just for them." My heart turns so cold, I can feel the icicles in my chest "Can't you live for you?" There's a look of wonder in his eyes. He kisses me and says "One day, maybe. Until then, I can live for you too. If I can make you happy, I'll have a purpose." "You do, Will."
An earthquake is shaking my soul, through and through. His words are echoing in my skull. Could I be important enough? Can I exist without my parent's approval? I try picturing myself but it's hard. A mirror is worthless. Unless it's Sonny's cornea. It does reflect me but I can also read his feelings as he watches me. There's a parade of awe, concern, happiness and a hint of distress. I want the last one to melt away. To do that, I have to learn how to breathe even when they yell.
Lunch time is fake but we are all here, at the same time. It's a small victory. I decide to seize the moment "So, Sonny is going to attend Salem U." A wave of reactions rolls around us. E.J. isn't surprised, Marlena looks relieved, Dad looks afraid and Mom is still unreadable. There's a consensus of "That's good to hear!" The metal of the fork feels cold and harsh against my lips as it's stuck between my clenched teeth. They are so cautious now. It might be the beginning of respect or just prudence near a fragile vase, I can't say.
We stay on the bed all afternoon. His touch heals me, his warmth makes me safe. He's reading the comics in a pile of newspaper Marlena has given us. His voice is light and sometimes he laughs before reaching the pun. The raindrops are drawing on the window's glass. I don't move, I don't talk much. I think of the future, of Sonny. Of the voyage our relationship will be, either long or short. Last night, I was inside him. I nearly fell apart, it was too good. I want him again but my body is lazy and my family is around the house. So, I lay in his arms, relaxing, as his arm tickles me whenever he picks up a new comic. "Sonny?" "Yes?" He sounds so gentle. I bathe in that tenderness, closing my eyes, listening to his heartbeat "I love you." The wings of his fingers caress my cheek "I love you so much, Will." There is no need to say anything more. The rains become more violent, tapping against the glass, but inside the house, inside the room, there's quiet and harmony. However bleak fighting with my parents turns to be, it is still worth it, just to be with Sonny.