My father is quiet and careful. His apartment is a big empty shell with the few sounds we make echoing on the walls. I've slept in a bed that was too large, that felt deserted. This morning I'm a half-person. Is it what love is? Shouldn't I feel happy and content?
Sonny rings the doorbell, comes in but I still feel dull. Am I broken? His fingers are soft on my face, recording anomalies, giving me a loan of serenity "You look so tired, Will. It was a long ride." He's right, of course. Dad tries "Maybe you should stay home and rest, Will. I'm sure Sonny can find other things to do. Didn't you talk about registering at college?" Lucas is on his territory here and he wants to be the one to protect me. Yet he wounded me and I don't trust him to really help.
Here he is, the heart kleptomaniac that I missed all night. I hoped for a lighthearted day but it's still far from my reach. He's still healing, bargaining for happiness with his wearied soul. I kiss his palm and his eyes lit up. "I need to get fresh air, dad. We're out for a walk."
It's a cold walk, with an icy drizzle. We've left the sea now and its mild climate. It smells like distant snow. The mountains invade my memory, ruthless and exhilarating. I can't take him there, he's too fragile, too precious. My climbing dreams have been quenched, replaced by a need for softness and warmth, a cocoon made of love.
Along the streets of our childhood, he takes me to his favorite places, his hiding spots. "I went there when my parents quarreled." It's a little woody area, with a river flowing under a very small bridge "They did a lot. At first I wanted them to live together, but things are easier when they're apart. EJ is tougher than mom. And he tends to be calm when angry. Dad's heart bleeds too much, too easily. Like mine."
His eyes are sad. For me, for my past. I wanted to share, to open up, but the good times are erased at the moment, lost in the misty shadow of my brain. I look around, with new eyes, at this town I know by heart.
"My great-grand-mother owns a pub. You want to go there?" His grin is a breeze of kindness, warming me more than my winter coat. I take his hand in my glove and we walk on.
Caroline carries happier memories. Just her wrinkled smile makes my heart stronger. "Grandma, this is Sonny, my..." I'm about to say 'friend', I want to say 'lover' but it's too daring. I don't want to hide or lie, though. Sonny finishes my introduction "...boyfriend. Nice to meet you, I'm Jackson Kiriakis, Justin's son." Caroline laughs "Of course, such a fine-looking young man. Will has good taste." And that's it.
Sonny can't stay seated. He goes from photo to photo, searching for me and chuckling at how dorky I must look on them. He's allowed. I owe him my life, a thousand times. A century won't be enough to repay my debt to him.
I vaguely remember the place. I don't think my mother went here often. It's a place to eat simply and maybe grab a coffee. I like the atmosphere. I want to spend time here, with Will.
When we've eaten, Will wants to pay. He's stubborn and so am I. But then, he looks down at the little wooden table and whispers "I need to do things for you, too." and I give in. It's not like I have lots of money. I am rich with travels and discoveries, with potential. My parents said they'll pay my tuition fee. Unless my mother changes her mind and asks me to go somewhere else. I should look for a job.
I want to touch Sonny, open the buttons to his many splendors, slide into him and touch the skies again. But none of us have private bedrooms. We have to pass Adrienne to get to his bed and my truce with Sami isn't stable enough to bring my man to her home. My desires are illegal but they don't go away.
His knees and feet are playing with mine under the table but after an hour, he gets antsy "Why don't we go surprise my cousin Abby?" I smile "You know she's my cousin too?" His laugh is one of a child. I want him even more. The feel of his skin is imprinted on my chest.
Strangers are frowning at us, some look away. Most don't care but I don't count them. Every time, I feel less human, less present. Sonny has a thick skin, he's used to it, he doesn't notice anymore. I'm not even out to my friends. My breath is shallow. Sonny makes me sit on the couch in the square.
He's new to this, innocent and fearful of the public opinion. In college, we'll meet other out people, to hang with. In the meantime, Abby's house will be a safe heaven. They all know I'm gay so they'll welcome him fully, just like Caroline did. Slowly, we'll build up a mountain of support to surround him with and shield him from the judging looks. Then I'll build, him a little abode of hope and laughs to inhabit.