Westersand.
"God, I can't stand to watch another minute of those camels doing the rain dance." Asuka folded her arms.
"I don't know, it seems pretty intriguing. Right, Chris!" Tifa popped up.
"Why are you asking me?"
"Because... because..." Tifa began pondering. She put her finger on her chin, thinking of a proper excuse to make a conversation with one of the authors.
"Just because!" Tifa finally said.
"This is lame. And where are those three idiots? Weren't they supposed to rescue us?" Matt looked up at the sky, searching for any signs of the three stooges.
"I can't be arsed to bother anymore. This story's not even coordinated. Everyone's running around, camels are procreating with each other's chins, and it's 3pm. I'm late for work." Chris started pacing back and forth.
"Bah. Might as well do something." Asuka started smacking a pack of cigarettes on the base of her palm.
"I thought you said you never smoke." Matt narrowed his eyes.
"He influenced me." Asuka pointed at Chris.
"And how did I do that?"
"Because... because..." Asuka started putting her finger on her chin, thinking of a proper reason so she wouldn't look stupid in front of Matt.
"Just because!" Asuka placed one stick in her mouth, preparing to light it up, when...
"NO!" Matt and Chris were about to pull the sparked lighter away from the cigarette, but were too late.
"Uh oh..." Tifa squeaked.
Five minutes later.
"Whatever happens, I want you to know something, Tifa." Chris turned over to Tifa.
"Yes, Chris?" Tifa's eyes began watering.
"Get your breasts reduced." Matt smirked.
"That also. But I just wanted to say... I hope they eat you first," says Chris.
"Eat me... first?" Tifa looked at him questionably. She began giggling which escalated into snorting. After a few seconds, she found out Chris was serious.
"Oh... YOU DON'T LIKE ME!! WAAAHHH!"
"Oh, good job, Christopher!" Asuka rolled her eyes.
"Well, this is it. Nice knowing you guys." Matt sighed. He looked at the camels who surrounded them not too long ago, after which they placed them in a large pot of steaming water. One camel began cutting carrots into the bowl.
"You know, I saw this in one Bugs Bunny episode." Asuka brought up.
"Christ, the least they can do is let me go. I'm Asian, I don't have any meat on me." Chris tried struggling to get free, but he was wrapped in specialized bonds that don't allow Filipinos to get loose.
"Racists."
"Eat Chris first! He has meat!" Matt started yelling.
"I don't have meat, man."
"I'm talking about your muscle mass."
"... Fuck you, too." Chris rolled his eyes. Then something came into mind.
"EAT THE GIRLS! They have a lot of fat in those ridiculously large breasts of theirs." Chris motioned to the girls.
"What!" Asuka felt like slapping him.
"WAAAHHH!"
"What do you take us for, stupid?" the camel war-chief asked.
"Yes," all four of them responded.
"Besides, Asuka's bosoms are 10 percent fat with her size." Matt nodded.
"How do you know?" Chris asked.
"Just guessing."
"Well, too bad. We're eating you all. Besides, we've been starving. Our Camel cigarettes have been bankrupt for the past two decades."
"Bankrupt? How can it be bankrupt when I smoke that brand? Especially when it's in high demand for smokers who are over their mid 30s."
"The statistics for U.S. smokers have purchased Marlboro Reds more than Camels cigarettes. Marlboro became more popular compared to ours."
"Isn't your company in league with Marlboro?"
"Not anymore. We're enemies now, so whoever smokes Marlboro cigarettes, we can detect they're near."
"That's why they were able to sense we were nearby when Chris lit up a Marlboro Red..." Asuka thought to herself... a little bit too loud. The camels turned to Chris.
"Thanks, Asuka." Chris narrowed his eyes.
"Well, since you've purchased our mortal enemies' cigarettes, we will devour you first!"
"Does anybody hear anything?" Matt asked. Tifa stopped crying and Asuka started smiling.
"What are you smiling about, Breasticus Prime?" one of the camels asked.
"They're heeereee," Asuka said.
In reference to who's here.
"Houston! We have a problem!" Siegfried started shouting on his microphone, which led directly to his space shuttle's intercom.
"Dude, I can hear you!" Ashton Kutcher started laughing awkwardly.
"We're going to die! Holy shit, dude! We're going to die!" Cloud wailed. Jin started sucking his thumb in the corner.
"Awww, yeeeaaah..." Sean William Scott started moaning. Evidently, every since the space shuttle hit an asteroid and started descending down on Ivalice, he's been having intercourse with an apple pie.
"Siegfried to Star Command! Come in, Star Command! Our ship has collided with an asteroid and we're burning up! Requesting for in-air assistance!" Siegfried yelled to his mic, which was a baby rattle.
"Siegfried, watch out!" Cloud pointed at the thing in front of them.
"Oh, yeeeaaah," the guy who does the Kool-Aid commercials said as he was hit.
"Hey, we can land there where those Land Before Time dinosaurs are," says Ashton.
Dalmasca Westersand.
"Don't lose your way. With each passing day. You've come so far. Don't throw it away!" Little Foot, Cera, Ducky and Spike started swaying together.
"Live believing, dreams are for weaving- OH, MY GOD!" Petrie was about to fly away, but sadly the nose of the space shuttle as well as the other dinosaurs rammed him. The space shuttle came to a halt just before it hit Little Foot.
"Hahaha, you guys got made!" Little Foot started laughing.
"Ahahahaha- ouch." Little Foot was smashed flat by the ramp of the space shuttle as Siegfried, Cloud, Ashton, and Jin came out.
"We'll leave Sean there for a while." Siegfried pointed at Sean still having sex with the apple pie.
"Hey." the Kool-Aid guy caught up with them.
"Dude, you're alive!" Ashton high-fived the Kool-Aid guy.
"Hell yeah."
"Awesome, man. Let's go find the local Taco Bell." Siegfried was heading towards a city.
"No, man. I want Burger King." Jin started walking over a large mountain.
"Good idea. I want it my way." Cloud followed.
"Oooohhh, yeeeaaahhh."
A couple of minutes later.
"Gahhh..." the war-chief camel puffed some smoke out of his mouth.
"Well, at least their space shuttle saved us." Matt started untying Asuka's bonds.
"Faster... faster... oh, lord. That feels nice." Asuka started moaning.
'Dumb, weird fuck.' Matt sliced the bonds with his pocketknife.
"Never thought I'd say this, but I'm glad you all showed up." Chris started rubbing his wrists.
"Where's the Burger King that was supposed to be here?" Siegfried asked. Cloud began looking around.
"Yeah, where is it?!" Jin scowled.
"What Burger King?" Matt asked.
"I don't know, you're the authors. Make one appear," Jin demanded.
"Or what?!" Matt started cracking his knuckles.
"Jesus, Matt." Chris shook his head, and grabbed a hammer and some nails, probably trying to build a Burger King with the tribe's remains.
"My hero!" Asuka praised Matt.
Meanwhile.
"I think I'm safe..."
"Oh, no you're not." Nina Williams appeared out of the shadows with a green barret and an M2 machine gun.
"I don't have gold! I swear's it!" the Lucky Charms leprechaun held his arms up.
"Don't be lyin' to me, boy. I know ye' got the gold som'where in 'ere." Nina aimed the gun at the Lucky Charms mascot.
"I don't think so." the Lucky Charms guy snapped his fingers, and Anna Williams came out.
"Come over here, let me talk to you real close." Anna Williams motioned her arms to her sister.
"That's jus' 'rong, Anna. Ya' turnin' out to be girl-on-girl lovin', aren't ye', lass." Nina shook her head.
"I'm not a lesbian!" Anna protested.
"I bet yer not." Nina smirked.
"You bitch!" Anna started kicking and screaming.
"That look is priceless!" Nina started laughing because Anna's looks and figure turned, from a voluptuous and sensual woman, to an obese and greasy cafeteria lady.
"You wouldn't understand! We fat people have feelings, too!" Anna started munching on some Lays sweet 'n sour chips.
"I bet ya' do. Now, time for meh gold, lad." Nina aimed the gun back at the Lucky Charms leprechaun, but he was unfortunately smashed by Anna William's second slab of fat that rolled out and pummeled the poor fellow.
"You bitch!" Nina lunged at Anna, but she ricocheted from her obesity. She flew outside of the building to another building next to them. Then it collapsed.
"Now... that look is priceless!" Anna started mocking Nina, who was turned flat after the building collapsed on her.
"At least I ain't no fat piece 'o shit who gets rejected from society." Nina blew herself back to her shape again.
"Waaahhh!" Anna cried.
Naboo Royal Palace.
"I am so bored!" Queen Amidala started complaining.
"Patience, my queen. Patience." Qui-Gon Jinn started waving his fingers around all Jedi fashioned.
"You suck." Queen Amidala threw some eggs at Qui-Gon, who just stopped the eggs.
"Use the force!" Yoda started yelling at Qui-Gon.
"I'm trying!" Qui-Gon started pushing himself harder as the eggs were slowly picking up speed.
"Losers." Queen Amidala left.
"USE THE FORCE!" Yoda continued yelling.
"I'm trying!" Qui-Gon screamed. Before it could get anymore stupid, Gandalf farted. Yoda, Qui-Gon and Luke Skywalker stared at Gandalf.
"Oh, shit. Oh, shit. It stinks! I'm getting the spray!" Luke started heading for the closet, but Gandalf appeared in front of him. He started raising his staff.
"YOU- SHALL NOT- PASS!" Gandalf planted his staff on the floor, causing the concrete to rise up as a Balrog appeared side-by-side with Gandalf.
"Dude, come on! Don't let us suffocate on your fart!" Qui-Gon plead.
"He used the Force- TOO MUCH!" Yoda fainted. Luke started clutching for air.
"God... Jesus... Buddha... anybody, save us!" Qui-Gon screamed.
"Someone called for me?" the Powdered Toast Man crashed through the window. Gandalf stared at the Powdered Toast Man, and special effects were taken while the two glared at each other.
"The battle for Middle Earth is about to begin..." Gandalf unsheathed his sword.
"Your evil ways are no more, fiend!" the Powdered Toast Man yelled, putting his hand in between his armpits and started squeezing them. He made fart sounds with his armpits that launched an array of missiles at Gandalf.
Royal Chambers.
"I wish Kazuya was here." Queen Amidala sighed.
"Oh, well, time to do some... queenly... stuff." Jun Kazama, a.k.a. Queen Amidala started dialing some numbers.
"Yes, I would like to make a collect call? To Michelle Chang."
"If you're thinking I'd clean up your dog's poo, hang up right now!" Michelle picked up the phone.
"Huh? Michelle, it's Jun."
"Oh! Oh, my God, Jun!"
"Yo', girlfriend!"
"It's been so long! How's the hubby?" Michelle started filing her nails.
"It's been totally dull! I mean, like, who goes out and builds planet devastators nowadays?" Jun sat on her queen-sized bed, reading a Teen Beat magazine.
"Totally. They can be affectionate one minute, the next- they're in some Star Wars-esque story with their father."
"Yeah, I mean, could life get any more boring?"
"Amen, chicka. Okay, okay, I just thought of something."
"What's that?"
"Shopping!"
"I am so there in three minutes!"
"Aren't you on Naboo?"
"We have a teleporter."
"That's hot."
"Oh, yeah."
"See ya' later, girl!"
"Much love. Mwuah." Jun hung up, and started going to her wardrobe.
"Your friend did NOT just steal my catchphrase." Paris Hilton placed her fists on her hips.
"Shut up, bitch. No one likes you. Guard!" Jun hollered, having her muscular Mexican guards who are wearing bowties and speedos stab Paris with tridents.
"You can't mess with royalty. M'hrm!" Jun bobbed her head side to side like a black woman.