Dalmasca Westersand

"Finally! It's now complete!" Matt exclaims, wiping beads of sweat off his forehead. He turns over to see Asuka filing her nails while Tifa begins to panic at a nearly unconscious Chris on the ground.

"Water... I need... water..." Chris pleads, barely having any breath in him.

"Someone! Anyone! Get my darling some water!" Tifa yells at Cacutar strolling on with its family. Tifa glares and begins to attack it Final Fantasy style.

"I don't like it!" Siegfried throws his mug at the newly, and pathetically built, Burger King. Jin stuck out his tongue and Cloud slaps the building.

"Aren't I just glad being back here?" Matt mumbles to himself.

"Water..." Chris gasps, reaching his hand towards the sky. Matt walks over to him and just shakes his head.

"You know, if you hadn't exerted so much energy trying to build the damn thing, you wouldn't be here dehydrated," Matt says, earning him a middle finger from Chris.

"I did all of the work, you bastard!" Chris seethes.

"And we lived happily ever after! The end!" Matt does an about face but trips after Chris yanks his robe, causing the Asian man to stand straight up.

"You go back and then we're going to lose all hope."

"Hope? That gorilla? Who doesn't want to lose her?"

"No, dumbass, I meant..." Chris looks left and right to make sure there aren't any spies eavesdropping. He shoots a rock with a gun he stole from the Everybody Loves Balthier dimension, completely obliterating it but finding nobody there.

"That was pointless." Matt crosses his arms.

"Huh. Thought someone was there."

Meanwhile... in Balthier's realm...

"Aw, shit. I left my gun," Balthier realizes, earning him several groans from his crew.

Dalmasca Westersand.

"Anyway. We need to eliminate the Sith Lords."

"What? Why?! We're severely outmatched and outnumbered! In case you've forgotten, our heroes are morons and let's not forget we got stuck in this mess in an attempt to rectify the situation!"

"And the situation has yet to be rectified. Observe."

Chris removes the H in his name to preserve his dignity from the blatant annoyances of Microsoft Word, points at Asuka who wasn't filing her fingernails but was actually trying to remove the booger she found while digging for treasure, Cloud is wearing Yuna's dress and started emulating the scene where Yuna was twirling around with her magic rod although Cloud was wielding a random stick, Siegfried is sitting in the middle of Tifa's battle with Cacutar whilst eating a banana with flagrant disregard to his safety even after he was accidentally struck by 1000 Needles, Jin is having a staring contest with a boulder and nobody knows where the rest of their team went.

"What's your point?"

"One word. Twinkies."

Matt's eyes begin to slowly widen upon realizing his truest horrors have been identified.

"No... the zebra cakes..."

"Indeed."

"Let's get to it, then!"

"One problem."

"What?"

"Your goods are abroad Vader's Death Star."

"And?"

"Mine is in Mordor."

"Ah, Christ fuck..."

Matt slaps his forehead several times and Asuka decided to mimic his action after finding himself too sexy to resist. Tifa slumped on a tree, badly bruised but held on to a glass filled with cactus juice. Cris just shook his head before walking inside of the piece of shit Burger King, stomping on several dead camels along the way. One of them tried reaching for him but he fired his Desert Eagle on it.

In the distance...

Evidently, there was a spy among them but he got blown to bits. Bella Swan stares mundanely as Edward Cullen's leg and arms are splattered all over the area of destruction.

"Oh. No. Edward. Why did you have to die," she says lamely with the lack of facial expressions.

Phantom Anus.

"Seriously, who the fuck names these things?"

Two Sith Lords stare at disbelief at the sign of the vessel's name. It had a photo of Peewee Herman looking surprised. They were both females, one of them was a short Asian girl while the other was an even shorter Caucasian.

"I am going out on a limb to say it might have been your husband, Jay."

"Of course it is. It's always his idea! It starts with him then Matt gets involved! Then they start picking on me for calling them stupid and they run away! It's been almost TEN YEARS since we've even seen them, Danielle!"

"I know how you feel..."

Jay gives a sympathetic smile before she notices Danielle's eyes literally have flames of total fury igniting in her eyes.

"I'm going to destroy Matt!"

"Oh yes!"

"And I'm going to crush him!"

"And burn their goodies!"

"And we can have them to ourselves!"

"We can have slumber parties!"

"And tell each other secrets!"

"And have pillow fights! I'm so excited, Danielle!"

"Me too! You make me excited!"

"Oh, Danielle..."

"Jay...

Jay and Danielle stare at each other longingly before realizing something was off.

"Then what are you going to do?"

Both of the Dark Lords of the Sith turn to see Matt and Cris just staring at them. They withdraw ridiculously large lightsabers, wielding malicious contempt for the duo.

"RUN LIKE BAT SHIT CRAZY!" Matt and Chris began to yell but neither of the Dark Lords were in pursuit.

"Death Star?" Jay suggested.

"Death Star."

Dalmasca Westersand.

"So that was pointless," Matt stated.

"At least we perfected the cloning techniques now."

"Back to the story?"

"... I'm hoping this ends the first of the trilogy."

"... we still have to go to Mordor."

Cris stares at his half-empty beer before inhaling it.

"Hey, Siegfried! Guess what I can do!" Jin jumps on the ceiling fan all butt naked hoping to spin with it but comes crashing down on Cloud right as he just got into dancing with several Smurfs.

"Hahahaha, Garfield." Siegfried stares at his two companions, with Jin's ass facing the air on top of Cloud.

"What the fuck is that even supposed to mean?" Matt inquired to nobody in particular.

"You know, it's been several years. I don't even want to question it anymore."

"Speaking of which, where are Tifa and Asuka?"

"Hoping that they're staving off the Sith Lords so we can get our shit back."

Death Star Galactic Astronomical Incorporation.

"Well, this is gay," Kilik pointed out.

Apparently, Kilik had been lost in the confusion when the group disbanded but caught up with Steve and Lee when they escaped from the Powerpuff Girls completely wrecking Townsville. They met Vincent Valentine along the way and he was the only one interested in joining the Galactic Astronomical Incorporation, or G.A.I. for short.

"Exactly! It's gay!" Vincent sighs daydreamingly.

"I never knew you were gay, man," Lee says.

"It's okay to be gay. But I'm not gay! Zack is just sexy."

"Okay, so what did everyone apply for?" Kilik asked the group.

"I applied for engineering. I did fix robots, if you know what I mean." Lee wiggles his eyebrows perversely, earning him mixtures of shock and disgust.

"I applied to be a mechanic." Steve shrugs.

"Who's interviewing us, anyway?" Vincent asks. Right on cue, several characters entered the room and all their jaws dropped.

"I am!" Heihachi smirks. He was still in his Mowashi; Kilik edged away, Steve hurled, Lee tried shooting himself but there were no bullets in his gun and Vincent started clawing against the walls.

"I know. The dingleberries are noticeable," Nightmare says.

"I am offended!" Heihachi grunted, performing a sumo stomp.

"MY EYES!" Spawn began rolling on the ground as if he was on fire.

Wherever the X girls, Paul and Marshall ended up.

"So you want us to stop your husbands from achieving their ultimate goal?" Marshall raises an eyebrow at Darth Jay and Darth Danielle.

"Yes," they answered in unison.

"But why are we here?" Xianghua started looking around the vast jungles where a lot of anthropomorphic pandas were roaming.

"My husband is likely to end up here," Danielle stated.

"Panda? Is that you?" Xiaoyu gasped, noticing several pandas who ignored her.

"How do you know that?" Marshall asked.

"Take a look around," Danielle pointed out.

Right on cue, a brigade of pandas began to march to battle alongside elves and dwarves.

"I still don't get it..." Xianghua tilted her head.

"Panda! Wait!" Xiaoyu tried running after her but she was yanked back by Jay.

"God, are you a ditz? So naive!" Jay rolled her eyes as Danielle giggled but she cleared her throat afterwards.

"My husband is going to think those are Pandaren. Which they probably are but he'll become attracted to this," Danielle answered.

"But... they have author powers!" Paul whimpered. He was kicked in the face by the Asian Sith.

"We're immune. Except for the occasional lesbian fantasy," Jay responded.

"Is that what it was? I thought I was exploring. Huh." Xianghua put a finger on her chin in contemplation.

"Anyway, if they come here, you need to set up traps. And keep them there until we can get them." Danielle drops a bag of weapons on the ground.

"Why?" Marshall asks, picking up a Chinese sword. Xiaoyu curiously picked up a bow, Xianghua found Mega Man's X Buster and Paul found a broom, completely ignoring the bag of weapons.

"Because welcome to the Hunger Games." Jay and Danielle returned to their ship, leaving the group in confusion. Paul farts.

Dalmasca Westersand.

Cris pinches the bridge of his nose while Tifa sits politely next to him. Right next to him is Matt going through a magazine containing several interesting things on sale as Asuka went on and on about "their" future. By this time, Cloud was singing Reflection from Mulan, Siegfried and Jin are chasing each other with giant salami; nobody was running Burger King but several people came in, made an order and got them somehow.

"So like, my co-worker was talking about our boss about how we don't get paid and our boss is like, doesn't care and like..." Asuka went on while Matt ignored her.

"Cris, we really need to get moving."

"We have nowhere to go, Matt."

"You have forgotten the manuscripts, didn't you?"

"Everything that was originally planned went chaotic."

"Well, the news will shed some light."

Cris turned to the television that Tifa kept punching which revealed Mordor facing a siege of panda warriors.

"Somehow, I think this world is-..."

"Conspiring to terminate you. Yes, we know."

Cris gets up, flipping the table which in turn knocks Matt down.

Phantom Anus.

"So what's next?" Danielle asks.

"Something, something, Dark Side, something, something, oh, there's a sale on sandals and handbags!"

"Oh!"

After returning to the Phantom Anus, Danielle and Jay found themselves in a rather large room that was literally meant for a princess. Princess Leia was transported to Alderaan but the women failed to remember that the planet was blown to bits. Danielle was bouncing on a large Wookie doll that was literally eight times the size of a Wookie while Jay laid on the bed, flipping through one of those women's magazines.

"Other than that, I have no idea."

"We could always destroy their fort of disgust," Danielle recommended.

"That sounds like a lot of work."

"You're right. Slave!"

"Yes, massa!"

Jar-Jar Binks walks in stupidly to the response of his masters.

"I want green tea!" Jay demanded.

"And chocolate cake!" Danielle added.

"Make sure there are strawberries!"

"Wait, make that pumpkin!"

"On second thought, bring carrot cake."

"Fuck. I want red velvet."

"I want a fruit smoothie."

"Make sure there's a balance of blueberries and blackberries."

"Thai food sounds nice right about now, too."

"I'm feeling cravings for Greek right now."

"Oh, Jar-Jar! I want cinnamon all over the topping of that smoothie."

"Please make sure there's mint ice cream!"

Jar-Jar's pencil breaks after writing down a bunch of squiggly lines on his notepad while the two kept going on and on.

"And they claim Matt and Cris are bad..." Ivy commented, earning a nod from Aeris Gainsborough and Jun Kazama.

"Why do they even need cakes anyway?" Danielle sighed.

"They don't love us anymore..." Jay sighs as Danielle's lips begin to quiver.

"THEY DON'T LOVE US ANYMORE!" Jay and Danielle end up sobbing as they hug one another.

Dalmasca Westersand.

"You do realize they're going to kill us, right?"

"Matt, you're supposed to be my partner-in-crime in this situation, not the voice of reason."

The group somehow managed to steal a pack of wild chocobos and decided to steal one of the UNSC's spaceships to commandeer it to the Phantom Anus.

"Besides, I've become immune to physical punishment."

"Yes, Cris, but we're not immune to the destruction of the fort."

"Oh God. The Fort of Light."

"We must get there faster."

"Faster, you motherfuckers!"

Phantom Anus.

"Okay, I have no idea why I'm doing this." Christie sighs, having been transported to the Phantom Anus.

"You got suckered into this like we all did," Jill Valentine answers.

Jill, Christie Monteiro, Voldo, Rinoa Heartilly and Kirby were warped to the Phantom Anus to assist in the capture of the group and to stop Heihachi's team in their nefarious plot.

"You're all here because we need to capture Cris and Matt," Jay stated.

"And help us destroy the Fort of Light in Mordor," Danielle added.

"But you have all the firepower in the world! You don't need us!" Rinoa whines.

"I'm not going to Mordor!" Jay stomps her foot.

"It's ugly!" Danielle emphasized.

"Okay, fine, princess!" Christie rolls her eyes.

"So what do you want us to do?" Jill asks. Voldo hisses but doesn't actually do anything.

"Help us pick out our Sith names!" Jay beamed a cheerful smile.

"Um... why?" Jill glares.

"Because! Danielle thinks it's silly to be called Darth Kitty!" Jay stares at Danielle, lowering her eyes.

"I didn't say it was silly! Clean your ears!"

"And Darth Nutkicker sounds gross. So we need help." Jay pouts.

"And make sure it doesn't make us look fat, either!" Danielle added, giving the group puppy dog eyes.

"That only works on straight men and lesbians," Rinoa added.

"Fine! I'll help you," Christie says, sighing. The group turn over to Christie. "What? Oh, hell no! I'm straight! I like Mardu- Kazuy- Heihac- Mardu- Mar- Ma- M- penis."

"That's nice." Jill crosses her arms before returning her gaze to Jay and Danielle.

"Okay, what about Darth Growl?" Rinoa suggests.

"Too lame." Danielle waves her hand dismissively.

"Darth Assassin?" Christie shrugs.

"Even lamer!" Jay scoffs.

"Darth Helmet." Jill looks at the duo hoping it would stop there.

"I don't like it," Jay responded.

"My God, you guys are malicious. And cruel," Rinoa said as quietly as she can get.

"Wait, what?" Danielle shifted her focus to Rinoa.

"I wasn't trying to insult you but..."

"You said malicious and cruel. Malice. Darth Malice! I'll be Darth Malice in... something-land..." Danielle piped up.

"I'll be Darth Cruella! One-Hundred-and-One Damnations!" Jay squeals.

"Darth Malice in Thunderland!"

"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" Jay who is now Darth Cruella runs up to Rinoa and gives her a hug.

"You're welcome? Can we go now?" Rinoa smiles nervously.

"No! You're staying as our guests of honor!"

Jill, Rinoa and Christie groan. Meanwhile, Voldo just hisses.

"We can use him as an alien from that movie Alien. He can totally attack Matt and Cris," Danielle as Darth Malice suggests.

"Yes! And Kirby can swallow whoever's helping them!" Jay jumps up and down excitedly as if she were on a sugar rush. Kirby begins to back away nervously.

"Why are we here?" Christie asks no one in particular.

"Wesker, I hope you're seeing this. You got your vengeance. You can stop now," Jill grumbles.

Heaven.

"Sorry, Jill, but soon even you will understand that all this shit will make perfect sense," Wesker says arrogantly while sipping on a coconut drink from an actual coconut while laying on a beach chair in Heaven.

Meanwhile... somewhere, a raging battle goes on...

Tifa jumps off of her chocobo to join the group as they stare at an ongoing war between the UNSC and the Flood. They appear to be numbered in the millions. Cris and Matt stare at one another before bumping fists; Matt draws out dual gun-swords while Cris brandishes the Kubikiri Houchou. Siegfried clutches on to his Requiem, absentmindedly picking his nose while Jin clutches on his crotch because he needed to pee a few hours back; Cloud is now wearing a yellow wig that contains pigtails and is wearing a different dress; Asuka gulps as does Tifa. Before anyone question them, the authors begin running towards the battlefield with the intention of stealing one of the UNSC ships. However, Asuka and Tifa assumed it was a free-for-all and decided to join in on the onslaught. Jin assumed they found a bathroom so he followed, Siegfied was being dragged by Jin who had a rope attached to his waist, crashing on several obstacles along the way while Cloud began to yodel, having- for some reason or another- gained the power of flight.

"FORTH, DIRTY ASS!" King Theoden shouted, charging from the opposite end of the heroes.

"For the Whores!" Grom Hellscream roared.

"Aw, shit..." Matt and Cris grunted.

Now it begins.

TO BE CONTINUED...

What will happen next?...

Stay tuned for Episode II and III; Attack of the Bros and Revenge of the Wives.

AN: After an eight year hiatus (it was published around 2006), it's about time we draw a conclusion to the Phantom Anus before we continue the trilogy. Ideas are welcome.

As I've stated, this is my first story and I'm leaving it as it is for now. Hope you enjoyed!