.
Chapter 5
Stay or leave
I want you
Not to go
But you did
The aroma of coffee wafting past her nose made Blair stir, slowly blinking herself awake. She yawned and extended her limbs in a delicious, full-body stretch, feeling the pleasant ache that seemed to permeate every one of her muscles.
Suddenly realizing that she was alone in the bed, she sat up, pulling the sheet tightly across her chest. The smell of coffee was coming from a tray perched on the nightstand, which also held a platter of warm, flaky croissants, a bowl of strawberries, and a pitcher of orange juice. When the grumbling of her stomach reminded her that she'd worked up quite an appetite, she made short work of one of the pastries and licked the buttery flakes off her fingertips.
She noticed that there was a silk robe draped over the chaise, as well as a pink and white sundress and matching accessories. She furrowed her brow in confusion before remembering that she'd shown up in an evening gown, and couldn't very well leave in it- at least not without scandalous photos of her "walk of shame" ending up on Gossip Girl within minutes.
Not that she was actually ashamed of anything she'd done with Chuck last night. But considering that she'd jumped straight from a royal marriage into a high profile romance with Dan Humphrey, it was probably best for her to avoid the spotlight right now. Very thoughtful of him, she thought with an affectionate little smile.
Although she was hoping they could just spend the entire day hiding out at the penthouse, preferably in bed. Stretching back against the still-rumpled sheets, she felt a little throb of pleasure coursing her body as she recalled, in vivid detail, how they'd rumpled them the night before.
She'd certainly never forgotten how good the sex was with Chuck; the man was just exceptionally talented. She may have even, on occasion, fantasized about it to get her through some other… less inspired performances.
But the memories didn't hold a candle to the real thing, which had been nothing short of… mind-blowing.
She was just reaching for another croissant, having decided that she'd probably need to keep her strength up, when the bedroom door swung inwards and Chuck appeared in the doorway.
Her bright smile faded somewhat when she saw he was already fully-dressed, in a navy blue three-piece suit complete with coordinated tie and pocket square- and she felt an unexpected nervousness flutter in her stomach.
"Hey," she greeted him. "I wondered where you'd run off to."
"Just taking Monkey for his morning walk. If he doesn't get out before nine…" Chuck trailed off with a telling little shrug.
"He makes a mess in the apartment?" Blair guessed, wincing slightly at the thought.
"Oh no, he'll hold it in until he explodes," Chuck gave a wry quirk of his lips. "But he starts following me around with this high-pitched whine, it's absolutely excruciating."
Blair laughed, heartened by the almost-smile on his face.
But the uneasy feeling in her stomach refused to ebb. She watched him unbutton his suit jacket and shrug it off, draping it over the back of a chair, while she tried to pinpoint the source of her trepidation.
Perhaps it was because she felt so underdressed, she decided. After all, she was wearing nothing but a bed sheet, her hair falling in disarray around her bare shoulders- and he looked ready to attend a board meeting.
Clearly she needed to level the playing field.
"Well, now that you're done with that…" Blair peeped up at him through her lashes, a coy smile on her face.
She reclined back onto her elbows, her hair fanning out across the pillows in a swath of tousled waves. No longer held in place, the sheet wrapped around her chest slipped down a few inches, revealing the upper swells of her breasts.
"How about you come back to bed?" she purred, her eyes roaming suggestively over his body. "I wasn't done showing you how much I missed you."
She caught a flash of something in his dark eyes before he looked away, the lines of his face tightening into an impassive mask. When he didn't respond, the silence between them stretching out for several long seconds, she could feel her stomach start to clench.
"Chuck?" she asked hesitantly.
His eyes returned to her for a brief moment, betraying nothing.
Then he took a seat on the edge of the bed, facing away from her, his palms resting lightly on his knees in a show of nonchalance. Swallowing nervously, she sat back up against the headboard and folded the sheet more securely around her torso.
He was only inches from the still-warm imprint of his body beside her- but there was an almost palpable distance between them.
"Blair…" He paused, rubbing one hand along the side of his jaw, the familiar gesture producing a bittersweet pang in her chest. "We should talk."
Upon hearing the same words she'd said to Dan, only hours earlier, she felt her body tense with apprehension.
Don't be ridiculous, she chided herself. Of course you need to talk.
"Sure," she agreed, threading her fingers together in her lap. "What do you… want to talk about?"
She cast a longing look at his back, wishing she had the courage to bridge the gap between them- she'd feel so much more at ease if she could just touch him, feel the comforting warmth of his body.
Chuck cleared his throat, his gaze fixed on the wall ahead of him.
"I called the ground crew," he said finally. "Pushed takeoff back until noon, but I don't want to delay my flight much longer than that."
She stared at him, her lips parting in dismay.
"If I get in any later, I'll be completely useless for my meetings tomorrow morning," he went on, his hands flexing unconsciously against his thighs. "You know… because of the time difference."
"Meetings?" she repeated, her brow furrowing.
He nodded.
"I need to approve the renovation plans as soon as possible," he said distantly. "They can't proceed until I do."
"Oh," she murmured.
Well, of course he would still have to go over to tie up some loose ends- she couldn't expect him to just neglect his professional obligations.
She still hated the thought of him leaving though, even for a few days. Maybe it was selfish, but she'd just gotten him back and she wasn't prepared to share him with anyone.
"So how soon can you come back?" she asked brightly.
They could head out to the Hamptons next weekend, she thought, just the two of them. A private retreat would be the perfect chance to reconnect. She could ask Lily for the keys to the van der Woodsen estate-
"I'm not sure yet," His low voice interrupted her daydreaming. "Two years was a conservative estimate. If everything goes according to plan, we could conceivably finish in only a year and a half."
"A year and a half?" she echoed.
She could feel the blood thrumming through her ears as she absorbed the implications of his words.
He nodded again.
"You're still… moving there?" she asked incredulously.
"I'm in charge of this project, Blair," he replied in an even tone. "And I can't oversee it from Manhattan."
"Put someone else in charge of it," she argued. "It's your company, you can do whatever you want."
"This is what I want."
She was taken aback by the quiet resolve in his voice.
"What?" she exhaled in disbelief.
"Like you said, it's an amazing opportunity," he repeated. "It would be foolish of me to pass it up."
"But… what about us?" she protested.
He remained silent, staring down at his loosely-clasped hands.
"Do you… want me to come with you?" she asked hopefully.
She hadn't even considered that possibility before- but it was certainly an attractive one. They could start over together, out from under the microscope of the Upper East Side, away from the constant surveillance of Gossip Girl. After the damage she'd done to her reputation over the past year, the idea of a temporary reprieve held a lot of appeal.
But Chuck wasn't even looking her in the eye, let alone offering to whisk her off to Europe. He just sat there in silence- his elbows propped on his thighs, his fingers intertwined. His gaze cast downwards.
She could see in the rigidity of his posture, the guardedness of his expression, that he was deliberately closing himself off from her.
And she knew she couldn't afford to let him.
"Chuck…" she began gently. "I know we have a lot to figure out, but we can't do that on opposite sides of an ocean."
She scooted a few inches closer to him and placed her hand on his forearm. He tensed beneath her touch, but didn't pull away.
"Whether we're in New York, or London, it doesn't matter," she said earnestly, "as long as we're together."
Chuck said nothing, just looking down at her hand on his arm.
"So if you need to go, then…" She took a deep breath. "I want to come with you."
"Blair…" Her name came out as a hushed whisper .
"I can take a leave of absence from school and maybe… take some classes there." She slid her hand down to cover his. "Or I could… find an internship. My mom has a lot of contacts in the fashion industry there, I'm sure she could help set something up-"
"Blair," he repeated, more insistently this time.
He looked up at her, and her breath caught at the intensity in his eyes.
"I think it's probably best if we don't…" He cleared his throat, turning his gaze back towards the wall. "Jump back into a relationship right now."
The silence that fell between them was deafening.
"But…" she faltered. "You said, last night…"
When the realization hit her that he hadn't actually said anything last night, never confirmed her assumption that they were back together, she felt tears start to clog the back of her throat.
"Last night…" He exhaled a quiet sigh. "We weren't thinking straight."
Blair shook her head vehemently, because she knew it wasn't true- of course she'd been thinking straight. She'd been thinking straight for the first time in months.
"It just doesn't make sense for us to try and make this work right now," he went on in a detached tone, not meeting her eyes. "With my work commitments, and everything you have going on here…"
He drew his hand out from underneath hers, which dropped limply back down onto the bed.
"I think we should just… live our own lives for now," he finally concluded.
The words hit her like a physical blow, knocking the wind out of her lungs.
He didn't want her?
After she'd come back to him last night, laying everything on the line with a heartfelt confession? After she'd… given herself to him, assuming it was part of a passionate, romantic reunion?
Swallowing back her rapidly rising tears, she felt a sudden, unexpected surge of indignation swell up inside her.
"And you didn't figure this out until after we had sex?" she asked tartly.
Chuck's eyes darted up to hers, widening at the sharpness in her tone.
"Blair, I didn't-" he began.
"You didn't what?" she interrupted him. "I said I loved you, that I wanted to be with you and only you. You didn't think us sleeping together would actually mean something?"
He ran a hand across his eyes.
"It did, Blair," he said quietly. "But it's more complicated than that."
"So complicated that you decided immediately afterwards that we should 'live our own lives'?" she echoed in a mocking voice.
Chuck remained silent, his expression shielded from view by the back of his hand. She used the opportunity to lean over and grab the robe he'd left out; the gesture that had previously seemed so thoughtful now felt like an attempt to get rid of her with a minimum of fuss.
"If you just wanted to get laid, Chuck, you could have sent me away and found someone less… complicated," she continued in an increasingly caustic tone, tying the silky fabric around her body with swift, forceful motions. "I assume you have an army of highly-paid professionals on call to take care of those sorts of… urges."
She welcomed the tight coiling of anger in the pit of her stomach; she knew it was the only thing keeping her tears at bay.
"You're accusing me of using you for sex?" Chuck looked up at her in disbelief.
Refusing to back down, she returned his look with a haughty stare of her own.
"And how long was it, exactly, after you broke up with your boyfriend," he countered, "before you were in my bed? An hour? Half an hour?"
She blinked in surprise at the bitterness in his tone.
"How long before you were naked on top of me," his voice growing rougher with every word, "moaning about how much you'd missed my cock? Should I just be grateful the comparison was favorable?"
The hostility burning in his eyes rendered her momentarily speechless.
"Wait, is that…" she began, before suddenly narrowing her eyes at him. "Is that what this is about? Are you doing this to get back at me?"
His jaw clenched in frustration as he stared back at her.
"You're pissed at me for rejecting you, so now you get to reject me? Is that the game we're playing, Chuck?"
"It's not-"
"Or do you just want me to chase after you?" she continued unabated, her voice increasing in volume. "Follow you to London? Get on my knees and beg you to take me back? Is that what it's going to-"
"Goddammit, Blair, it's not all about you!" he practically shouted at her.
She recoiled, staring at him wide-eyed as his words echoed around the small room.
Chuck never raised his voice at her.
She watched as he leaned forward, resting his face in both palms, his shoulders rising and falling with several deep, steadying breaths.
"It's not all about you," he repeated quietly.
He raised his head to look at her again- and she was struck, at that moment, by how very tired he looked.
The drawn, weary lines of his face; the dark shadows under his eyes; the sad, almost defeated expression in their hazel depths.
"I know it's not… all about me," she said softly, feeling her anger start to dissipate as quickly as it had risen. "But I thought that us being together was important to you. I thought that… I was important to you."
He gave a humorless little laugh.
"You were the only thing that was important to me, Blair," he said in a quiet tone. "You know that. I would've done anything for you."
She saw a flash of repressed emotion in his eyes, just a split second before he averted them.
"All I ever wanted was for you to be happy," he murmured.
"And now?" she asked hesitantly- not entirely sure she wanted to hear the answer.
"I finally realized," he replied pensively, "that I was so wrapped up in your happiness, there was no one left to care about mine. And… I was miserable."
"But I do care," she protested. "I've always cared, Chuck."
"Really."
She frowned in confusion at the cynicism in his voice.
"When you goaded me into kissing you so that you could slap me across the face and tell me I was a piece of shit?" he offered with a tinge of animosity. "Or when you crashed my therapy session to get tips on how to improve your relationship with your fiancé? Was that you caring about me?"
Her lips parted in surprise; he'd never once brought up those incidents before, let alone given any indication that he was bothered by them.
"Or when I woke up in the hospital," he went on, swallowing tightly, "after we'd promised to spend the rest of our lives together… only to find out that you'd abandoned me, without a word of explanation as to what I'd done wrong? Besides almost dying, I mean," he added roughly.
"You know why I did that, Chuck-" she began to protest.
But an abrupt shake of his head made it clear that he wasn't interested in revisiting her ill-conceived bout of religious fervor.
"Or maybe it was when I begged you not to marry Louis, and you went ahead and married him right in front of me? Or when you asked me to wait for you…" He snorted out a mirthless laugh. "To wait a year so you could get out of your marriage on your own- and only days later, you're kissing Dan Humphrey in my own fucking bedroom?
"And then you told me not to hurt Dan," he recalled bitterly. "Because God forbid, right?"
Blair gazed back at him in remorseful silence, unable to dispute any of his accusations.
"Or was it when you told me you weren't in love with me anymore?"
Her eyes cast downwards at his softly-uttered words, at the statement she wished with all her heart she could take back.
She knew it hadn't been true. She'd probably even known at the time.
She'd been trying to push him away- and she'd succeeded more than she'd ever realized.
"Tell me when, during all of that…" he continued, his voice wavering almost imperceptibly, "you supposedly cared about me?"
A single tear escaped the edge of her eyelid, rolling down her cheek to hang tremulously on the edge of her jaw.
"I always did, Chuck," she whispered sadly. "Even though I didn't always… show it. I never meant to hurt you."
She looked up to see his jaw clench slightly in response.
"Even when you came here last night, to tell me that you were finally ready to be with me," he went on in a subdued tone. "You never asked… how I felt, or what I wanted. You never even apologized. You just… decided that you wanted me again, and I'm supposed to be okay with that."
When he turned to face her, her breath caught in her throat at the wounded look in his dark eyes; the sheer weight of his emotions finally overwhelming the walls he'd tried to put up between them.
"Tell me how I'm supposed to be okay with that, Blair," he said softly, his voice saturated with hurt.
She could feel another tear slip down her cheek- and then another, and another, soundlessly dropping down onto the sheets.
"I don't know," she admitted, swallowing back a sob.
Just seeing Chuck in pain produced a physical ache in her chest, like a vise tightening around her heart. It provoked that familiar urge to comfort him, to fix whatever was wrong. To chase the dark shadows away from his face like she'd always been able to before.
But this wasn't like before. He wasn't hurting because of his father, or his business, or the random relatives who kept showing up to ruin his life. He wasn't hurting because of another bout of self-destructiveness, another downward spiral he had no one to blame for except himself.
He was hurting because of her.
Because she'd taken his love for granted, treating it like her due instead of something precious and irreplaceable.
Because she'd broken his heart over and over again- just assuming it would still be waiting for her, perfectly intact, whenever she decided to come reclaim it.
She'd been so foolish.
"I am… so sorry, Chuck," she said in a shaky voice, brushing the tears off her cheeks with the back of her hands. "I know I can't take any of it back, but… I want to try and make it up to you. To earn your forgiveness."
"I've already forgiven you," he murmured. "I think I'd forgive you anything, Blair. Sometimes it scares me, how much I'd forgive you."
The sad resignation in his voice dampened any happiness she felt at his words.
"But you said if we got back together… it should be as equals," he continued in a low tone. "And that's not what this feels like."
"It feels like…" He paused, staring back down at his hands in his lap, "You're finally settling for me. After exhausting all of your other options."
She began shaking her head vigorously.
"Chuck, that's not-"
"I know it's not," he interjected quietly. "I'm just telling you… how it feels."
She gave a little nod of admission, staring down at her fingers twisting together.
She hated that she'd made him feel that way.
And she hated even more than she had no idea how to fix it.
"I just think… I need some time," he finally concluded.
"But… two years?" she asked dejectedly.
It seemed like more than a long time. It seemed like a lifetime.
"No." He shook his head. "I doubt I could stay away from you that long even if I tried," he added wryly, a ghost of a smile crossing over his face.
"Then…" she trailed off, looking up at him with hopeful eyes.
"I don't know," he answered honestly. "Maybe a few months. Maybe longer."
She nodded again, trying not to look as crestfallen as she felt.
If this was what he needed- if this was what they needed- then she knew that she had to accept it. Despite the almost irresistible temptation to just throw herself into his arms and bawl like a five-year-old until he promised not to leave her.
She felt him shift position on the bed, and then, to her surprise, his hand was resting atop the back of hers, his fingers twining gently between her own.
"I need to figure out how to be happy without you, Blair," he said honestly. "Before I can ever be happy with you. I need to know that I can be happy without you."
"You need to be Chuck Bass before you can be Blair Waldorf's boyfriend?" she asked, giving him a hesitant little smile, and he chuckled softly.
"Something like that," he agreed.
They sat in silence for a few moments, enjoying their unspoken truce. His thumb stroked across the back off her hand and she tried to suppress the ripple of goosebumps that ran up her arm.
"So…" she ventured. "What are we, then?"
He appeared to ponder the question for a moment.
"Friends," he responded at last. "I think… that's all we can be. For now."
"So you can…. date… other people, if you want," she murmured, staring down at their clasped hands.
After the past year, she knew she certainly had no right to complain- but the mere idea of Chuck getting involved with someone else was enough to make her throat tighten.
"Either of us can," he replied. "…if we want."
She nodded, blinking back the moisture that had started to re-gather in her eyes.
"That's the last thing on my mind right now, Blair." His low, reassuring voice soothed her frayed nerves, and she gave him a strained little smile.
For one long moment, they simply gazed at each other. His dark, inscrutable eyes studied her face intently, as if trying to imprint it on his memory.
Then he leaned over, pressing a kiss against her cheek, and she felt her eyes flutter shut at the contact; the brief, chaste touch of his lips feeling somehow more intimate than anything they'd done the night before.
"I love you," he murmured.
So softly, she thought for a moment she might have imagined it.
"I love you too," she whispered back, clasping his hand tightly in her own, as if willing him to believe her.
But then he pulled away, gently releasing her hand and standing up, and she watched sadly as he retrieved his suit jacket and shrugged it back on.
They didn't say goodbye- it was clear neither of them really knew how.
He just gave her a bittersweet little smile.
And she smiled back, his figure blurring through a haze of tears.
A moment later, he was gone.
The ding of the elevator the last vestige of his presence.
And she remained there- sitting on the bed, staring off into the distance- for an indeterminable amount of time. The quiet tick-tock of the hallway clock echoing through the stillness, slowly marking off the minutes.
She could feel the tears drying on her cheeks, a touch of soreness in the back of her throat. The pervading sense of emptiness that left her feeling brittle and hollow; the intense feeling of loss that gradually morphed from an acute pain into a dull, persistent ache, radiating throughout her entire body.
It was only through enormous force of will that she eventually pulled herself out of Chuck's bed. With slow, methodical movements, she traded her robe for the flowered sundress and little white cardigan, slipping her feet into the matching wedge sandals… taking a moment to admire the pink enamel bracelet as she clasped it around her wrist.
And then finally, with a deep, cleansing breath, she turned towards the door.
Chin up, head held high.
This was no time to sit around feeling sorry for herself, she thought determinedly.
She had a best friend to win back.
.
.
A/N: So… hate me for breaking them up? Love me for giving Blair a reality check? Very curious to hear your thoughts.
The coming chapters will fast-forward through the next few months, which I have loosely outlined, but I'm always open to suggestions! And one of you did notice a detail that will become important in the next chapter- feel free to guess :)
Thanks as always to Terrabeth for betaing like a boss. Go poke her to get writing so I have something to beta too.
And thanks to my reviewers, I 3 you guys: 88Mary88, Iz, flipped, theghostqueen, Rossiee, Mademoiselle Bass, Ladynet, Ican'tbeMewithoutYou, livelybass, blair bass, Kathrynm37, CBBW3words8letters, LowerCase32, anon, Trosev, Love Still Stands, dreamgurl, Clair Carlyle, Rf, wrighthangal, annablake, pty, LeftWriter224, svenjen, bonafide11, in x disarray, Meg, XY and Z, scarlett2u, ggoddess, tiny, LunaSeasMoonChild, Krazy4Spike, Nikki, Leah DarkParadise, LuLu M, Amelie Lefort, bfan, Itsrainingcatsandpumps, HazelFromBehind, Temp02, being mimi, Lena, rani, jsta, Questacious, louboutinlove, and odyjha.
Show-related note: I'm on hiatus from watching until the finale, but I read an interesting comment in a recent Josh Safran interview- apparently to the many fans who hate the current storyline, all he can say is… he's sorry.
Don't be sorry, Josh. Just unfuck it. Stop rewriting show history, screwing with characterization, and wasting talented actors, and stop pitting your fans against each other and then blaming them for hating a pairing it was perfectly obvious they would hate over a year ago. Storylines shouldn't need to be explained in interviews, and character motivation shouldn't need to be defended via twitter- good writing should just speak for itself. Honestly, I'm not convinced you're even still capable of writing Chuck and Blair the way they deserve, but I hope- for the sake of the fans who've stuck with this show for almost five years now- that you prove me wrong.