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Chapter 6
Serena hummed to herself as the elevator ascended, catching a glimpse of her reflection in the mirrored doors and pausing to smooth down a few unruly blonde waves. The doors slid open with a cheerful ding and she stepped out into the foyer, taking a quick look around before continuing through the apartment.
"Mom?" she called out.
"I'll be down in just a second!" Lily's voice echoed from the top of the stairs. "Just looking for some… shoes…"
Serena smiled wryly, knowing from experience that "just a second" meant "at least fifteen minutes."
Hearing the muted jangle of her cell phone coming from her handbag, she quickly rummaged around until she found it.
And frowned in surprise upon seeing "Blair" lit up across her screen.
Blair hadn't contacted her in months- she'd given up after about fifteen unreturned phone calls. But apparently their conversation the night before had motivated her to try again.
Serena's finger hovered over the "accept" button for several seconds, before she sighed and pressed "ignore".
Maybe she'd feel up to it next time, she thought with a sad twist of her stomach.
She dropped her phone back into her bag, made her way to the kitchen and poured herself a glass of orange juice. Leaning back against the counter, she stared down into her glass, trying to think of something besides Blair, or Dan, or Blair and Dan, or any of the things she'd spent the last four months trying to avoid thinking about.
The only upside to this whole situation was that it had compelled her to find some direction, to figure out what she really wanted to do with herself. Because what she didn't want, she'd realized, was to spend her life as a superficial socialite whose self-worth was measured by other people's attention and praise. And she certainly hadn't wanted to spend her life being looked down upon by her former best friend and the boy she'd once considered the love of her life, both of whom had made their disdain for her intellect painfully obvious.
She would never understand how befriending each other had caused them to think so little of her.
Maybe, she thought with a twinge of hurt, they'd thought she was shallow and stupid all along.
So it was probably a combination of restlessness, loneliness, and a desire to prove them wrong that had sparked her sudden motivation to get started on a career. Plus, it distracted her from feeling sorry for herself, from dwelling on everything she'd lost.
Even if she sometimes missed her best friend so much, it made her want to cry.
Maybe she could go get a pedicure after brunch, she thought, nibbling on her lower lip as she eyed her pale pink-tipped toes. Maybe a brighter shade, something more… cheerful.
The ding of the elevator turned her attention back towards the foyer, her lips tilting upwards expectantly.
Until her eyes met a deep brown pair, both sets widening identically as they caught sight of each other.
"Oh hey… Serena," Dan said awkwardly, shifting from one foot to the other.
"Dan," she replied in an abrupt tone.
She didn't even bother pretending to be happy to see him. She'd given up on false niceties months ago, somewhere around the time she'd finally realized that Dan simply didn't care about her feelings anymore.
It didn't make it hurt any less… but it did give her a certain mean satisfaction.
She took a long, slow drink of her juice, her gaze remaining fixed on his in a challenging stare.
"I wasn't, uh, expecting to see you here," he commented, his need to fill the tense silence almost palpable.
"What, am I supposed to avoid my own mother on the off-chance I might run into you?" Serena shot back.
Dan stiffened in surprise at the sharpness of her tone.
"Oh… uh, no. Of course not."
Serena nodded tersely, her expression not inviting further conversation.
Another uncomfortable pause.
"I was actually looking for my dad," he rambled on, "but he hasn't been by the loft, and his cell went straight to voicemail…"
He really didn't seem to be taking the hint though.
"So I was hoping to find him here, maybe go out for breakfast…"
Maybe because he never, ever-
"I just… kind of needed someone to talk to."
… ever stopped talking.
"Because, well, Blair and I broke up last night…"
How the hell had she ever put up with that constant barrage of words? The guy was just in love with the sound of his own-
"Wait, what?" she asked sharply, her eyes snapping up to his as she absorbed his last statement.
"Blair, uh, broke up with me," Dan said sheepishly, averting his gaze.
Well, that did explain the unexpected phone call, she thought to herself.
And Dan's more-wrinkled-than-usual shirt and hangdog expression.
"Sorry to hear that," she muttered.
She was fully aware that she'd never sounded less sorry about anything in her entire life.
"Thanks…" He heaved a deep sigh, her tone obviously lost on him. "And I don't really have anyone else to talk to about it, so…"
He trailed off, still wearing that woe-is-me expression, and Serena fought to suppress an eyeroll.
"I'm sure that Nate would be more than happy to…" -listen to you whine- "uh, talk to you about it," she suggested, hoping she'd managed to communicate that she, on the other hand, was not.
"Well, that might be kind of awkward," he replied dryly. "Since he lives with Chuck, and Blair is presumably… there at this very moment, so…"
Serena's lips formed a silent "oh" as she stared at him, understanding finally dawning.
Chuck's announcement had forced Blair's hand.
She'd spent the better part of a year rejecting him, inventing outlandish excuses for why they couldn't be together and, more recently, acting like she barely remembered ever loving him at all. But the second he tried to move on for good, to make a life for himself away from her, she'd reeled him right back in. And Chuck loved her too much to even put up a fight.
Serena felt a fresh surge of indignation on her brother's behalf.
"Yeah…" Dan blew out another long-suffering sigh. "Guess I probably should've seen this coming, huh?" he said in a self-deprecating tone. "Didn't matter what I did or how well I treated her… she was always going to go back to him."
Serena stared at him, her eyes narrowing.
"Are you… seriously expecting sympathy from me?" she asked disbelievingly.
Dan blinked in surprise.
"Uh… no, I mean… I didn't-"
"Good," she cut him off.
The two stood in silence for a moment, not looking at each other.
"But yeah," she added after a moment.
His eyes met hers questioningly.
"You should've seen this coming," she clarified.
Dan stared at her for a moment, and then looked away again, at a rare loss for words.
And this, Serena realized- this must be what Schadenfreude felt like.
She'd always been far too good-natured and forgiving to understand the appeal before.
"So sorry to keep you waiting, Serena," Lily said brightly as she made her way down the stairs. "Ever since we got back from St. Lucia, I haven't been able to find a thing in my closet…"
She paused momentarily when her eyes landed on Dan.
"Oh, hello Daniel," she said in surprise.
"Hey Lily, I was just, uh… looking for my dad," he repeated, his eyes darting back and forth between the two women.
"Oh, he went to the farmer's market this morning, he must've forgotten to take his cell phone," Lily replied with a polite, but not especially warm smile. "I'm sure he'll be back shortly if you want to wait," she added graciously.
"Shall we?" She turned to her daughter with an expectant smile.
Serena nodded, grateful to escape, and with that, the two women headed for the exit with nary a backwards glance.
.
.
Several hours later, Serena was walking into the lobby of her apartment building in the Village, her stomach full of brioche French toast and berry compote, feet thoroughly pampered, and toenails livened up with a bright shade of coral.
Her new pedicure really did make her feet look happier, she thought, admiring them as the elevator carried her up to the tenth floor.
Although, that could be the bottomless mimosas talking.
She was pondering whether she had time for a nap before getting started on the assignment for her first film class, when she heard her cell phone ring again.
She pulled it out as she walked down the hallway towards her apartment, not surprised to see Blair's name pop up again. She let it ring several times before hitting "ignore," so it wouldn't be obvious that she'd chosen not to answer.
Her conversation with Dan this morning had left her feeling so sad, and angry, and hurt, as if she'd ripped open a partially-healed wound. She simply wasn't ready to rehash the whole situation with Blair.
Then she rounded the corner to her apartment- and stopped in her tracks.
There, sitting on the floor next to her front door, was Blair.
She had her knees folded to one side, the skirt of her flowered sundress tucked carefully around them, a large paper bag resting on the carpet next to her. And she was studying the screen of her cell phone with her lower lip caught between her teeth.
Until her eyes darted upwards, widening as they met Serena's.
She glanced down to the phone in Serena's hand, and a flicker of hurt flashed across her face.
Which she quickly hid behind a smile as she rose to her feet.
"Serena," she greeted her cheerfully, brushing her skirt off with brisk hand movements. "I was just in the neighborhood and realized I hadn't gotten a chance to see your new place yet."
"Oh… right," Serena replied, nonplussed.
And admittedly, a little sheepish for getting caught ignoring Blair's call.
"I brought cappuccinos and croissants," Blair added brightly. She bent to retrieve the bag from the floor and turned back with an expectant smile.
Serena blinked in confusion, feeling like she'd accidentally stumbled into some sort of alternate universe. One where she and Blair Waldorf were still best friends.
They'd barely even spoken in months, but Blair was clearly pretending that the only reason she hadn't visited so far was… lack of opportunity.
"Shall we?" Blair chirped, and gestured towards the door.
Serena stared at her for a moment before unlocking the front door and leading the way into her apartment.
It was decorated in Serena's trademark bohemian-meets-couture style, with bright splashes of color and eclectic artwork embellishing the expensive furnishings. She'd spent a lot of time making it feel like a real home-after all, it was the first place of her own she'd ever had.
"Oh, this apartment is adorable!" Blair enthused, depositing her bags on the coffee table and taking a look around.
"Thanks," Serena replied with an uneasy smile.
She watched as Blair made her way around the living room, pausing to admire a handmade ceramic vase and comment on how well it coordinated with the throw pillows.
"You know, I was thinking of doing some redecorating myself," she said, taking a seat on the sofa. "I mean, my bedroom has barely changed since I was fifteen. Maybe you could give me some pointers?"
"Um… sure," Serena murmured.
Blair parted the top of the paper bag she'd brought and peeked inside.
"What kind of croissant do you want?" she asked. "I brought some chocolate-filled, I know those are your favorites -"
"Oh, I'm not hungry," Serena interrupted with a little shake of her head.
She steeled herself against Blair's crestfallen expression.
"I just got back from brunch with my mom, so…" she offered by way of explanation.
"Oh, okay." Blair sat back on the sofa and looked up at her hopefully. "Do you want to watch a movie? I brought a few with me, I thought maybe we could revive our Sunday afternoon tradition."
Serena closed her eyes for a second, releasing a soft sigh.
"Blair…" she began. "Why are you here?"
Obviously taken aback by her directness, Blair stared at her in silence for a moment before nibbling nervously on her lower lip.
"Because… I miss you," she admitted in a quiet tone. "And… I want us to be friends again."
"Just like that, huh?" Serena said in a flat voice, arching an eyebrow.
"Well, I know we have some things to… talk about," Blair conceded.
Understatement of the century, Serena thought to herself.
"But… I broke up with Dan, so…" Blair looked up her with an expectant expression.
Looking like… she expected Serena to be happy, and grateful, and just forget about the last few months, even though she knew damn well that Blair's decision to leave Dan didn't have a thing to do with her.
She swallowed back the bitterness she could feel rising up inside her throat.
"I know," she replied shortly.
"You do?" Blair frowned in surprise. "But… it's not even on Gossip Girl yet…"
"I ran into Dan this morning,"
"Oh."
The single syllable echoed around the apartment.
Serena didn't respond- just crossed her arms over her chest- and Blair seemed flustered, clearly having expected a more hospitable reaction to this news.
"Anyway," she went on tentatively, "I was hoping that you and I could just… put this whole situation with Dan behind us, and go back to the way things used to be?"
"Situation?" Serena echoed.
"Right, you know…" Blair hesitated, a little furrow appearing between her brows. "Our relationship. I mean, our romantic relationship. That's definitely done."
"Honestly, we should've just stayed friends to begin with," she added with a sigh. "It just felt like we were… forcing it, you know?"
"Forcing it," Serena repeated.
She tried to control the fury throbbing through her veins, which had apparently left her incapable of doing anything but parroting Blair's words back at her.
"Don't get me wrong, he's a great guy, but…" Blair shook her head. "He's just not for me. You can't just… make yourself love someone."
At that, Serena's tenuous hold on her temper finally snapped.
"That's why you threw away seventeen years of friendship?" she asked in disbelief. "So you could try to force yourself to love someone I already did? So you could date him for a few months and then just toss him aside and run right back to Chuck?"
Blair flinched at the anger in her voice.
"I told you, Serena, it was a mistake…"
"No, Blair. A mistake is something you do once," she retorted. "Something you do over and over again no matter how many people it hurts? That's a choice."
"So I made a… bad choice," Blair said defensively. "I didn't do it to hurt you."
"No, you just didn't care if it hurt me."
"Of course I cared!" Blair countered. "I asked if you if it was okay with you and you said it was!"
"You asked me after I'd already caught you two kissing twice," Serena corrected her. "And I said I would try to be okay with it, because it was pretty obvious by that point that I had no other choice. And you took that as, what, an invitation to kiss him right in front of me? How lucky I am to have such a sweet, considerate best friend who would be there for me like that while my grandmother was dying."
She paused to take a breath, feeling tears start to well up in her eyes.
"God, when was the last time you thought about anyone besides yourself, Blair?" she asked finally.
Blair's jaw tightened.
"Oh, that's rich," she shot back. "Coming from the person who slept with my boyfriend."
"I knew you'd throw that in my face. You've done it every time you've gotten mad at me for the last five years." Serena sighed in frustration. "But you know what, Blair?"
Blair stared back at her, her lips pressed into a tight, irritated line.
"I regret that more than… anything I've ever done in my entire life," Serena said in a low voice. "I would've done anything to take it back, to undo what I did.
"And when I came back from boarding school, and Nate tried to start something between us… I told him no," she went on. "I told him that you were my best friend, and you loved him… and that was just the way things were."
"It's easy enough to brush off someone you consider a drunken mistake," Blair countered sharply.
"It wasn't like I didn't have feelings for him- I did," Serena said honestly. "But our friendship was more important to me. You were more important to me. But after the last year, I've come to realize that… it doesn't mean the same to you."
Blair shook her head, looking as if she were about to argue the point, but Serena went on.
"It's not even about Dan." She shook her head. "It's about us. We haven't been best friends for a long time now, Blair."
Blair stared back at her in dismay.
"You and Dan… just proved it," she concluded sadly.
She realized that she hadn't even admitted to herself just how far apart they'd grown apart. Not until this moment.
"So… that's it then?" Blair asked, her voice wavering up an octave. "You're not even going to try to fix it? You're just going to… give up on us?"
Serena stared down at the floor, contemplating that same question she'd been asking herself.
"I don't want to," she answered honestly. "But this, Blair," she gestured towards the bag of food. "This isn't trying to fix it. This is just… pretending everything's fine between us. And it's not. I can't be like Chuck. I just can't… forget everything that's happened and go back to the way things were."
Blair swallowed visibly.
"Chuck…" she faltered. "Chuck left."
Serena's mouth fell open.
"He did?" she asked, incredulous.
Blair nodded, clasping her hands together in her lap.
"He said he didn't think it was a good idea for us to… jump back into a relationship yet," she explained, staring down at her hands. "And he wanted some… space, so he's going to London for… a little while, anyway."
"Huh," Serena murmured, surprised and impressed by her brother's sudden display of backbone.
"He still has a lot of work responsibilities to deal with over there," Blair added earnestly. "And this move is really great for his career, so… it definitely made sense for him to go. And it won't be for too long… maybe only a few months."
She paused and cleared her throat.
"I think… it'll be good for us," she concluded, a forced note of optimism in her voice.
She sounded like she was trying to convince herself, Serena realized- but Blair's attempt at positivity couldn't quite conceal the dejection in her expression, or the sag of her shoulders.
And Serena couldn't help feeling a surge of sympathy for her heartbroken friend.
"So…" Blair looked up at her, her eyes shining with regret. "What about me and you? What do we do?"
"I don't know," Serena admitted.
The two remained in silence for a moment.
"Maybe we could try just… hanging out sometimes, and see how things go," she said finally. "We can't just snap our fingers and have our old friendship back, you know?"
Blair nodded, disappointment evident in her face.
"But maybe eventually… we can have a better one," she suggested.
"I'd like that," Blair murmured.
The silence stretched out between them again. Neither quite knew what else to say.
"Well…" Blair cleared her throat. "I guess I should get going."
She rose to her feet, her fingers fidgeting nervously in front of her. She paused for a moment, her eyes darting to Serena's, and then away again.
"So I'll… talk to you later then?" she said, a note of uncertainty in her voice.
"Yeah, sure," Serena replied evenly.
She watched as Blair gathered her things together, her brisk, purposeful movements not quite disguising the disheartened slump of her shoulders.
And Serena felt a stab of remorse shoot through her.
As upset as she'd been, she'd never stopped caring about Blair; she'd only pulled away to protect herself, to keep from getting hurt any further. But she derived no pleasure from seeing Blair unhappy, and she hated being the cause of it- especially given how hard Blair was obviously taking Chuck's departure.
"How about we have lunch sometime this week?" Serena offered at last, as Blair was opening the door.
Blair's face brightened visibly.
"That sounds good," she agreed with a hopeful nod.
"Okay, I'll give you a call then," Serena said.
"And I will… answer when you do," Blair replied somewhat awkwardly.
The two shared a tentative little smile before Blair slung her handbag over her shoulder and made her way out of the apartment.
Serena closed the door behind her with a soft click, and then flopped down to sit on the sofa, heaving a deep sigh. She felt tense, exhausted, and emotionally-drained… but she also felt an overwhelming sense of relief, like she'd just released every feeling she'd been bottling up inside for months.
For better or for worse, they'd finally had an honest conversation.
And maybe, just maybe, they could still salvage their friendship out of this mess.
.
.
It was close to midnight when Chuck finally arrived at his suite with a small entourage of valets and porters and animal handlers in tow. After directing them to leave his luggage in the bedroom, he took a few minutes to explore his new home.
Located on the top floor of the Berkeley, it was every bit as opulent as promised; the furnishings were luxurious but tasteful, the bathrooms outfitted in Italian marble, the expansive windows offering a stunning view of Hyde Park.
He glanced out at the conservatory and spacious private roof terrace, which would provide plenty of space for Monkey to roam.
When he felt better, anyway, he thought with a slight grimace.
About halfway over the Atlantic, he'd made the unfortunate discovery that his dog apparently suffered from airsickness.
As a result, his flight crew was currently steam-cleaning the floor of his jet, and Monkey… well, he was still curled up in his crate, whining pitifully and refusing to come out.
"Come on, boy," Chuck coaxed him, without much success, before finally reaching in and giving a firm tug on his collar.
He led the unhappy animal to his dog bed, which had been set up in a corner of the master bedroom, and watched as he flopped down on it with a sad whimper.
"It's okay, you'll feel better tomorrow," he reassured him, giving a quick scratch behind the ears.
Monkey just stared up at him with big, forlorn eyes, as if he didn't understand why he was being tortured like this.
"You'll like it here, I promise," Chuck murmured. "… We both will."
He couldn't help but hear the lingering note of uncertainty in his own voice.
Weary from the long flight and his lack of sleep the night before, he washed up for bed and changed into a pair of silk pajamas. He laid out his clothes for tomorrow's meetings, checking to make sure his suit was still carefully pressed, shoes polished, tie and pocket square and cufflinks all expertly coordinated. He sent Lily a quick text to let her know he'd arrived safely. And finally, he unpacked his small carry-on bag, which contained all of his essentials.
Toiletries, phone charger, laptop. His lucky watch. The latest copy of Forbes. The Murikami novel he'd been (slowly) working his way through.
Reaching the bottom of the bag, he pulled out the last item inside.
He gazed at the framed picture for a moment, his eyes skimming over nineteen-year-old Blair's face, her smile, her hair blowing loose in the breeze. His own expression, caught in a rare moment of unguarded happiness.
It almost felt like he was looking at a stranger, he thought, studying his younger self with a pang of wistfulness.
He set the picture on his nightstand, and lingered by the bed for a moment, feeling strangely uneasy.
Like it was… too close.
Picking up the frame again, he strode over the far wall and placed it atop the dresser, angling it carefully towards the center of the room.
Then he made his way back to the bed, pulled back the covers, and climbed inside.
It took only moments before he'd slipped into a deep slumber, lulled to sleep by Monkey's soft snores and his own bone-weary exhaustion.
.
.
Blair wandered through Central Park, pausing to watch a group of mallards swim in leisurely circles around the pond. She tore off some bits of croissant and tossed them into the water, but the ducks didn't seem interested- they just kept paddling right along, quacking softly amongst themselves, while the bits of pastry grew waterlogged and eventually sank.
Maybe they'd already eaten, she thought to herself.
Or maybe they hated her too. Just like everybody else.
With slumping shoulders, she turned and trudged on through the park, not even noticing the colorful flowers or the crowds of people passing by; her mind was awhirl with memories and self-recriminations and "what ifs."
Lost in thought, and with no particular destination in mind, she was surprised to look up and find herself in front of the Empire again.
It made sense, actually, that her subconscious would lead her back here. It had been her home during the happiest period of her life.
She made her way through the lobby, smiling wanly at the doormen and receptionists as she passed. She remembered how excited she'd been when she hurried through here less than twenty-four hours ago- so happy and eager to reunite with Chuck, to set right everything that had gone wrong.
And now… she just felt completely lost, and alone.
She didn't have Chuck, or Serena- not really, anyway . She didn't even have Dan. And she no longer had her façade of contentedness, that warm cocoon of denial she'd wrapped herself in for the last few months. She'd tried to escape from everything in her life that scared her, everything that made her feel vulnerable and weak.
Now those fears were all she had left.
Blinking back the tears she could feel welling up in her eyes, she stepped into the elevator, swiped her keycard, and hit the "penthouse" button.
When she walked into the apartment, she knew instantly that the movers had been here and taken the rest of Chuck's things away. His personality, his charisma had always permeated every inch of this space, and now it just felt… empty.
Maybe coming up here hadn't been such a good idea after all, she thought glumly, and sniffled- catching just the faintest hint of Chuck's cologne lingering in the air.
Even that would be gone soon enough.
"Blair?"
The soft voice startled her, and she whipped around to see Nate walking out of his bedroom, his forehead creased in puzzlement.
"…Hi," she responded, wracking her brain to think of an excuse for her presence.
"Uh, Chuck's not here," he said, leaning against the doorframe and crossing his arms over his chest. "He left this morning."
"I know," she replied without thinking… then silently cursed, as she realized that "looking for Chuck" would've been a much more logical explanation than the truth.
"You do?" he sounded surprised.
She nodded.
He studied her with a confused expression, clearly expecting her to explain herself.
She opened her mouth, and then closed it. And then opened it again.
"I broke up with Dan," she said finally.
Nate raised his eyebrows, waiting for her to continue.
"Then I came over to tell Chuck I loved him and wanted to be with him, and we spent the night together, and then this morning he told me he couldn't be with me right now and he needs… some time."- The words all came out in a jumbled rush- "And then I went to see Serena to patch things up with her, and she said she needs some time too, and then I just wandered around for a while."
She paused to swallow back the lump in her throat.
"And then I ended up back here," she finished sadly.
She cast her eyes downwards. Realizing she was still carrying the bag of rejected cappuccinos and breakfast pastries, she felt her eyes well up with tears.
"Sounds like you've had a pretty busy day," Nate commented.
She nodded, punctuating it with a pitiful sniff.
"So am I, like, your only friend now?" he asked.
Blair looked up in surprise at the teasing note in his voice and saw unexpected warmth in his expression.
"I guess so," she replied with a tremulous smile.
Blinking the tears from her eyes and straightening her shoulders, she regarded him with an appraising look. "I suppose I could do worse, Archibald."
He snorted.
"Well, lucky for you, the rest of my afternoon is free," he tossed over his shoulder as he walked towards the living room.
"And you have nothing better to do than listen to me talk about my problems?" she asked skeptically, trailing after him.
"Eh." Nate shrugged with a self-deprecating smile. "I was just gonna get high and play Halo, so…"
Blair wrinkled her nose.
"What happened to mature, grown-up Nate?" she asked.
"Grownup Nate takes Sundays off," he replied succinctly, taking a seat on the sofa.
She sat down next to him, setting her belongings on the coffee table, and the two sat in awkward silence for a moment.
"So, do you want to…" Nate trailed off, miming a puffing motion with his fingers.
"Ugh, no." She cringed in exaggerated distaste. "Seriously?"
"Hey, I just thought it might make you feel better," he said, chuckling at her reaction. "So what's in the bag?"
He gestured towards the coffee table.
"Just some… cappuccinos." She gave a melancholy sigh. "Pretty sure they're cold by now though."
"Oh, well… I can make you a cappuccino, if you want," he offered.
Before she had a chance to reply, he'd already gotten to his feet and made his way towards the kitchen.
"We got this espresso machine a few months ago, it makes… really good coffee…" he called out. "Much better than, uh… the Starbucks downstairs…"
Blair sat back on the sofa, her eyes catching on the Girl Scout painting on the opposing wall.
She wondered why he hadn't taken it with him. It had always been one of his favorites.
Her thoughts were interrupted, however, by some rattling sounds coming from the kitchen.
A pause, and then some more rattling.
And then a loud crash.
Then an extended silence, followed by a muted expletive.
"Actually, you know, the Starbucks is pretty good." Nate reappeared in the doorway, his hand holding some sort of lever that looked like it used to be attached to something else. "I can just run down and-"
"It's fine Nate, I'm not really that thirsty," she interrupted him.
"Okay." He sat back down next to her on the sofa, studying her expression with a look of bemusement. "So… do you want to talk, or…"
She took a deep breath, staring down at her fingers twisted together in her lap.
"I just don't understand how everything got so messed up," she said with a regretful shake of her head.
"People make mistakes, Blair. Even you," he said, the last two words infused with a hint of mirth. "It's not the end of the world."
"Nate, I'm a twenty-one-year-old divorcée," she replied despairingly. "I went from having my picture in the society pages to…having sleazy tabloid articles written about how I 'traded in the Prince of Monaco for a greasy Brooklyn hipster with a glorified mullet.'"
"It even said…" she went on, "that 'his tragic hairstyling choices appeared to be contagious.'"
She smoothed a hand over her glossy curls, her eyes narrowing in indignation as she recalled the most offensive part of the article.
"And… that's what you're upset about?" Nate asked dubiously.
"No," she admitted. "I just…"
She paused, struggling to find the words to explain herself.
"I thought… I was making the right decision. The smart decision," she said quietly. "I thought I was doing what I had to do to be happy. And somehow I ended up… hurting everyone I care about.
"And now I don't know… if my friendship with Serena is ever going to be the same again," she said, finally voicing the fear that had been plaguing her ever since she'd left her former best friend's apartment.
Nate nodded, eying her with understanding.
"We've all forgiven each other for a lot of things, Blair," he pointed out. "If your friendship with Serena could survive… well, me…" He gave her a crooked grin. "I'm sure you'll get past this."
"But we're not sixteen anymore, Nate," she said remorsefully. "We're supposed to know better. We're not supposed to hurt each other like this."
"So… don't, anymore," he replied in an obvious tone.
Oh, Nate, she thought, with a mix of fondness and exasperation. Things really were that simple inside that pretty head of his.
"I don't plan to," she replied with a sigh. "I'm just afraid… the damage is already done. I mean..."
She closed her eyes for a moment, mulling over some of the hypothetical situations that had been swirling through her head all afternoon.
"If Serena had done what I did… with Chuck…" She paused. "I would… never have forgiven her."
A little furrow appeared between Nate's eyebrows as he thought this over.
"I'm sure eventually you would have-" he began.
"No." She shook her head resolutely.
Even considering that unlikely scenario had produced a tight ball of rage in her chest. Nate might have a rather charitable view of her capacity for forgiveness, based on his own experience with it, but she knew better.
She would've tackled Serena to the floor and ripped her shiny blonde hair out by the roots.
And then she would've rendered Chuck physically unable to procreate, probably with the heel of her stiletto.
"I wouldn't have forgiven him either," she went on. "In fact, if he… if he told me he wasn't in love with me anymore, and chose another girl…"
That scenario had been even harder to imagine, because it seemed almost outside of the realm of possibility. She'd always known she was Chuck's first choice; he'd only turned to other women for consolation when he couldn't have her. Ever since they'd fallen in love, all of their breakups and near-misses had either been her decision, or the result of Chuck's misguided belief that she was better off without him.
And the thought of Chuck rejecting her- not as an act of personal sacrifice, but because he'd decided he'd rather to be with someone else instead- had almost brought Blair to tears.
And the thought of him marrying someone else…
That hurt so much she could hardly bear it.
"Blair?" Nate's voice shook her from her reverie, and she looked up to find him quietly observing her.
"What if…" She swallowed. "What if I've really lost them?"
"You haven't," Nate replied in a definitive tone.
She nodded, wishing she shared his certainty.
"I finally figured out exactly what I want," she said forlornly. "I'm just afraid that… now it's too late."
"It's not too late. You just have to be patient, that's all." He shrugged. "Maybe spend some time focusing on the other things you want?"
"Other things?" she echoed, her brow furrowing in confusion.
"Yeah, like…. in general?" he clarified.
She just stared at him, puzzled.
"Surely you want more out of life than… Chuck to be your boyfriend and Serena to be your best friend?" Nate raised his eyebrows at her.
"… Of course I do," she said, after a brief hesitation.
"Like what?" he prompted, looking at her expectantly.
"Well…"
She paused, flustered by the fact that she couldn't readily answer his question.
What did she want out of life?
She'd wanted to be successful. Powerful. Respected. To have people look up to her.
That was all she'd ever really wanted.
The problem was, she had no idea how to achieve it.
Everything she'd tried so far- excelling academically, ruling socially, perfecting herself physically- had been in pursuit of those vague, nebulous goals.
And all of her attempts had failed.
"I… I don't know," she finally admitted.
Nate studied her quizzically.
"The Blair Waldorf I remember always knew exactly what she wanted," he pointed out.
"Yeah." She gave him a poignant little smile. "Turns out, she thought she knew a lot more than she did."
"Well…" His brow furrowed in thought. "Have you registered for fall classes yet?"
Blair shook her head.
She was still a student at a prestigious Ivy League university... but she was on an extended leave of absence, and hadn't even declared a major yet.
Not exactly how she'd envisioned her college career three years ago.
"I registered for a couple of marketing classes," Nate commented. "I think I can make it work with my schedule at the Spectator, if I hire two more employees."
Blair raised her eyebrows, impressed despite herself.
"Not bad, Archibald," she remarked with an affectionate smile.
"You know, I thought about marketing," she went on, tilting her head to the side thoughtfully. "And maybe finance too. Since they'll be useful in pretty much any field."
"Maybe we'll have class together," Nate said playfully. "Just like old times."
"And there's a class on modern feminist theory that sounded interesting…" she mused.
"Yeah, you're on your own there," he replied, his expression crinkling with distaste, and she laughed.
"I guess I need to figure out something to do for the summer," she realized suddenly, her expression falling as she felt the familiar weight of stress start to settle on her shoulders. "I was going to travel with Dan, but now I'm just staying in New York, so… so I'd better get an internship, or something? But all the good ones got filled months ago, and I don't even know what I want to do, and-"
"Hey, hey," Nate interrupted, obviously recognizing the signs of an impending Blair Waldorf meltdown. "You don't have to figure everything out right this minute."
Blair nodded, her face still tense with worry.
"You've had a stressful day, why don't you just sleep on it and see how you feel in the morning?" he proposed.
"Okay," she murmured, trying to force her expression into something resembling calm.
"And in the meantime… I think you need to relax and de-stress," Nate observed.
She nodded and looked at him expectantly.
"What do you suggest?"
"Well…" Nate pondered the question for a moment.
And then mimed a puffing motion again, looking at her with amusement sparkling in his eyes.
"Ugh, really?" She rolled her eyes and shook her head, sighing disparagingly.
"Well… I dunno, what do you usually do to de-stress?" he asked with a perplexed shrug.
She opened her mouth to reply and then closed it again, her cheeks tinting pink.
Because suddenly all that came to mind was one of Chuck's "special massages".
Which was inevitably followed by a good, hard-
"Okay, well, besides that." Nate cut her off her train of thought, clearly having deciphered her expression. "Pretty sure I… overheard that a few times," he added, grimacing in distaste.
She shrugged, unrepentant.
"Well… we could watch a movie," she suggested. "I even brought one with me!"
She leaned forward and pulled a well-worn copy of Breakfast at Tiffany's out of her bag, and then turned to Nate with a hopeful smile.
He gave a deep, long-suffering sigh.
"I guess, if you're not even going to consider my suggestion… we could do that," he conceded, and was immediately rewarded with a grin.
She handed him the DVD and kicked off her shoes, tucking her feet up underneath her and settling back into the sofa. As the familiar opening credits rolled across the screen, she exhaled a quiet sigh of contentment.
It was nice knowing how everything was going to turn out, she thought.
Even if it was only for a couple hours.
.
.
A/N: Well, hopefully the lack of CB didn't make this a giant letdown (they'll be interacting more in subsequent chapters, I promise). This story is going to end up longer than the 8 chapters I originally planned, I think, because there's still a lot to resolve here. And as always, I appreciate your thoughts/opinions/predictions on how that should be accomplished.
(Just to clarify, since a few of you already asked- there will be nothing romantic between Nate and Blair in this story.)
Thanks to Terrabeth for taking the time to beta, even when she has much more important things to be doing :) And thanks to my reviewers, your kind words (and even the not so kind ones, haha) always inspire me to keep going: bonafide11, Trosev, pty, faye29, Meg, SoraNoOjiSama, Stella296, 2xlivegonzo, livelybass, Lyla, freeatlastCB, Annerl, LowerCase32, flipped, MelanieChambers104, Ladynet, Infinitywr, wrighthangal, Jane, loopingread, Krazy4Spike, coleyoo, jj, Eternally Romantic, anon, 88Mary88, bfan, Ican'tbeMewithoutYou, olimgossip, Izzie, natyroganlover, Anna, Kathrynm37, chairluver, Adriana, Lexie, in x disarray, tiny, BambiRosie, hmm, MS104, Iz, SevenDevils, likeitrough, Questacious, ShaunaDoyleXo, annablake, Mademoiselle Bass, Temp02, love sold in the evening, Whatevergirl1985, louboutinlove, Cara, Xoxo, FrozenandYetNot, LeftWriter224, K, Curious Blonde, TheKillerDunja123, A, Aria, jojo.4ever, Melanie and thebelleoftheball.
This space would usually be reserved for some sort of show-related rant about the epic fail that is Dan and Blair's relationship, but the internets were so full of CB goodness today, I'm too busy farting rainbows and unicorns to get worked up about anything. Check out the savechuckandblair tumblr if you have no idea what I'm talking about. Also, I have a tumblr of my own- under maribells- so if you have show-related questions, or really anything you want answered, just leave me an ask!