i'm so damn sorry

but i wasn't at home

[[[[TRIGGER WARNING]]]]

VII. Joy

Joy couldn't help it she bought the book.

And she finished it the same day.

She had obviously heard about that book before but listening to Fabian and Nina talking non-stop about it gave her a sudden urge to read it. She waited until Saturday, though, just then did she go to the library to buy the so talked book.

It was an interesting book. Actually the book was so great that Joy did not know how to express the greatness of the book with words. All she managed to say was: I adore it! It was so damn great I can't believe that something can be so brilliant! Just then would she feel like crying and would start saying everything she had just said but now contradicting what she had initially said: Don't you ever read that book, is bloody awful! I can't believe something can't be so heart breaking! Goddammit I just want to cry, it's not fucking fair!

Joy did realise something while she read the claimed book: Augustus Waters reminded her of Jerome Clarke. Maybe they are not parallels but something about Augustus made her think of Jerome. Something about these two boys' attitudes she had found fairly similar. Though, she did not know Jerome very well. Yes, they had been spending a bit of time together (which consisted on talking on their way out of English class. It lasted around 4 minutes since soon they had to part ways. Plus, she followed Patricia a lot and somehow they always ended up meeting with Jerome) but still Joy knew so little about the mystery that Jerome Clarke is. It didn't help the fact that 4 minutes wasn't enough to go into deep talking and express their most hidden feelings, it was barely enough for a quick chat about a random topic.

Jerome was a good guy, or at least that's what Joy had perceived. He was nice and he did care about others but normally he came out as a big ass jerk. Maybe he didn't have Augustus Waters' charm but he had something that made people want to approach him… or maybe that was just her.

—

"All you ever do is complain! Your father and I try to always give you the best we can, especially when it comes to studies, do you know how much money your father and I have wasted on that private school of yours, and we expect the same effort back from you. I want excellent grades and I don't want a single low—"

"I know, mum" Joy rolled her eyes and thanked every god she could think about because her mother could not see her "you've told me this a thousand times"

It had been a month since she finished The Fault In Our Stars and the whole story was still on her mind. Maybe she didn't feel like running around and telling everyone to read right there and then but the scenes of the book still replayed on her head every now and then.

"Then, you should already know it by now so I don't have to repeat this all the time" Joy's oh-so-wonderful mother said

"I have never failed anything in my life, I always do my best" Joy played with her fingers trying to let the time pass by so this conversation would just finish since she was in no mood to argue. The sassy part of her always got the best of her and her mother didn't appreciated at all.

"Well, your best isn't enough. Remember when I signed you up for that German Academy and you failed when you were on the last book out of four. Not to say that you always passed with low grades"

"Mum! German is not easy at all!"

"And how did your cousin never failed and always got good grades"

"I do not know, mum! I'm not him!"

"Don't you yelled at—" Joy hung up the phone.

Why did she ever think calling her mum was a good idea? She had actually, intended to call her dad but she dialled her home number and to her luck her mother picked up the phone. It had started nicely, like it always does, but then her mum had to start. Joy got it; her parents wasted a lot of money on her education and she had always been a good student and she still was (she didn't count the German Academy because she repulsed the German language. Also, she had argued, throughout the 3 years she was condemned to waste so she could learn a language she never understood, that knowing English and Spanish was enough) but her mother had always insisted that Joy never did her best.

Up until know Joy doesn't know how to react when her mother tells her she has not done her 'best'; she does not know if she should be angry or if she should feel happy. It either means that her mother thinks she can do so much better and that she is capable of so much more or her mum is just telling her she is worthless and she never has made it to her expectative.

Her mother just frustrated her. She couldn't talk with her mother without it ending in cries. Joy's mum didn't need to say much anymore. All she had to do is repeat one of the things she had always said and then Joy would remember all those times she had never been enough. All those time Joy had disappointed her. And that… that just broke her every time.

And once again it happened, her mother words were sharper than the blades with which she tortured herself that night

(Patricia was out somewhere. She had been spending a lot of time with Eddie lately).

She had been clean for one week and a half and she was sure she could have made it longer because somehow, being in university and hanging out with Alfie, Mara, Patricia, Fabian, Jerome, her recent made friends, made her feel a bit happy. She was not sure what it was but when she was with them, around them, having a bit of fun she'll forget about everything, forget about the report she had to give the day after tomorrow and the books she had to read. Everything would disappear and she would just relax. But all her progress and her will to try to get better went down the drain, mixing with the blood evacuating her veins.

—

The next morning she woke up and prayed to a non-existent god that the events from last night had been just a nightmare.

And she was confirmed otherwise when she looked at her arms covered in gauzes and the bit of red painting on the gauzes' white fabric.

She walked slowly to the bathroom, trying not to wake Patricia, with the intention to take a shower, which she did. It stung so she showered quickly. Putting her clothes on was another challenge since it also stung a bit. As she got dressed she counted 4 big cuts and 7 smaller ones on her right arm, on the left she had 7 big ones and 10 smaller. She had destroyed, slashed all she could from her wrists, the left one more than the right one, though.

When she came out of the bathroom, already wearing a long sleeved black jacket, she found Patricia seating on her bed cross-legged with her phone in hand. The redhead left her mobile screen just for a second to look at Joy and give her a tiny smirk.

"We're going ice skating" the redhead said setting her phone on her bedside table "I'll take a shower and we'll leave… or actually meet Jerome who is the only one other than Alfie that know where exactly we are going"

"Sorry?" was the only thing Joy managed to say

"Jerome texted that Alfie wanted to go ice-skating so he texted me, Mara, Eddie, Fabian, ya know… the rest of us" Patricia said, moving her right hand in circles.

Joy stared at the redhead who was grabbing some clothes from her small closet "I'm not going"

"'Course you are!" said Patricia as she grabbed a stripped black and white shirt and a black leather jacket and a pair of dark blue ripped skinny jeans.

"No, I really won't go… I don't like the cold" Joy lied trying to avoid this event

"Says the one who last week told me she adored winter," replied Patricia, as she set a pair of black combat boots next to her bed

Joy had lost. She couldn't come up with something else to say. She couldn't say she didn't know how to skate because most of the people who went there didn't know how to ice-skate either. She couldn't say she didn't have jackets because she was wearing one and because Patricia knew Joy had a big collection of jackets/hoodies.

She had no option but to go and being honest she didn't know what could wrong.

it is 5AM and i started this at 2:30AM, my eyelids are closing idk how i managed to finish this i do not know. btw, any error i'm sorry but i'm just tired and with eyes barely open

good night

or good morning

whatever

bye