Over the next several weeks Piper and Alex were swamped with plans for Jack's first birthday. They lay in bed talking and going over final arrangements.
"I just want it to go perfect."
"Of course you do, you're a Chapman."
Piper swatted Alex's arm, "Very funny. At least we'll have practice for next time."
"Next time?"
"Yeah," Piper laughed at Alex's horror stricken face, "for his next birthday."
"Oh, good. Okay. Yeah. Next year."
Piper frowned at Alex's stammering and untangled her limbs from her wife.
"Is there something you want to tell me?"
"No," Alex replied quickly and unlocked her phone, feigning interest in an article they'd been discussing earlier.
"Al."
She sighed and put her phone back down, nervously adjusting her glasses before answering, "It's nothing, Pipes."
Piper put her hands on Alex's and played with the brunette's wedding band.
"This means you can tell me anything," she said, referencing the band she was now stroking with her thumb.
Alex took a deep breath and spoke quietly, "We've never discussed it, and... I don't know what your feelings on the matter are... But, I don't think I want another baby."
Piper withdrew her hands in surprise and saw Alex grimace, bracing herself for an argument.
"Why?"
Alex shrugged.
"But you're amazing with Jack. He adores you. I'm kind of jealous," Piper admitted sheepishly. She stroked Alex's face making her wife look up into her eyes, "You make it look easy."
"Pipes..." Alex dropped her gaze, trying to find the words to express her lack of confidence and seeming lack of interest in having another child.
"You're right, we never discussed it. But I'm almost 40 and he's still little, if we were to do it again... Now would be the time to decide. Not now, now. But within the next year or so."
"So you do want another one?" Alex asked quietly.
Piper picked up Alex's discarded phone and pushed the home button, making the screen light up. Her wallpaper was a picture of Piper and Jack smiling on the swings at the park around the corner.
"Look at that face," Piper cooed.
"I know," Alex groaned, "he's super cute. You both are." She smiled shyly at Piper before continuing, "He has your hair, your eyes, your dimples. He likes when I cuddle him. He likes going on walks and holding my hand. He looks at me like I hung the moon. He's just like you. What if we get a little me?"
She said the last part even quieter and looked back down, ashamed. The last thing she wanted was an innocent being to turn out corrupted because she raised it or because it had her DNA.
"He also has your smirk, talks with his hands, has your crazy expressions, loves deeply, makes everyone he meets smile, has your adventurous and sweet spirit... He just lifted his eyebrow at me when I tried to give him green beans earlier!" Alex laughed and Piper continued, "He's more like you than you realize."
"It's fucking scary."
"We went over this last time. He adores you." She leaned closer, gently kissing her wife, "I adore you. You're a wonderful mother. I would love to have a little dark haired baby with green eyes."
Alex looked into Piper's eyes, she still had worry written on her face. "What if... What if I don't love it as much?"
"Oh, Al." Piper chuckled sadly and wrapped her arms around Alex, hugging her tightly.
"I'm being serious, Piper." Her body stiffened.
"What would even make that thought occur to you?"
"I love you two so much and I've never been one to share very well. I... I just don't know if there's any room left in my heart for another baby."
"Alex Vause, you may try to act like some tough bad ass, but you are the most loving and giving person I've ever met."
Alex rolled her eyes. Piper reached forward slowly, taking Alex's glasses off her face gingerly. She knew Alex used them as a defense to hide her expressions. She could always read Alex though, and her eyes were the key. She wanted Alex to look at her now, unguarded. She needed her wife to feel her faith and confidence.
"You are the best mother our child... Our children, if you want more... Could ever ask for. You make me proud and happy every day. I didn't know I could love you any more than I already did until we had Jack. The depths of my love for you make me question my sanity sometimes because it feels like my skin is on fire and my heart is going to burst when I look at you. You try every day. You take care of us every day. You make an effort to be nice to Polly. You listen to me. You know what I need without me having to ask. You deal with my bullshit and don't let me act like my mother. You are kind and giving and beautiful and perfect and I don't know how I got so lucky."
Alex had a small grin on her face, "Flattery will get you everywhere."
Alex expected a sarcastic remark or a slap on the arm from Piper, but her next words made Alex's eyes water and her body relax.
"Diane would be proud of you, Alex."
Alex quickly wiped a tear from her eye and nervously spun her wedding band, "You think so?"
"Yes."
Alex thought about this. All she wanted was to make her mother happy. She had made more money than she knew what to do with when she worked for the cartel and had been able to buy her mother a house and keep her from working multiple jobs, but she knew her mother was disappointed with the life she'd chosen. That seemed like a lifetime ago now. She wondered what her mother would think about this new life. She owned the property her business and Piper's operated out of. Legal businesses. Her marriage was good, they no longer bickered over the petty bullshit from the past and bigger problems no longer included drugs. Her son did adore her, and she adored her family.
"Let me mull it over."
x
Their friends and family were gathered in their apartment for Jack's birthday party. Piper was filling Jack's sippy cup in the kitchen when Alex walked in behind her, placing her hands on her wife's hips and whispering in her ear.
"We're probably gonna need a bigger place if we have another baby."
She turned slowly to search Alex's face for an explanation. She knew Alex would need some time to think over having another baby and didn't expect her to bring it up again so soon.
"One more."
Alex's smile warmed Piper's heart.
"Really?"
"Just one more," she held up her pointer finger for emphasis and Piper laughed.
"Hey lovebirds!" Nicky burst in, "Let's light the candle."
Alex kissed Piper's cheek before turning her attention to Nicky, "Give me your lighter."
"What makes you assume I have a lighter?"
"You're a smoker."
"I used to smoke."
"I used to smoke, you're a smoker."
"I don't buy cigarettes!"
"Just because you bum them off other people doesn't mean..."
Piper couldn't hear their bickering anymore as she walked back into the dining room.
Polly looked at Piper when she noticed her walking over, "What's that look for?"
"Which look?"
"All dopey in love... Oh, nevermind I don't see Alex. That explains it."
Piper leaned in and quietly squeaked, "She said we could have another baby."
Polly pushed her, "No fucking way!"
Nicky burst through the kitchen door bellowing out Happy Birthday.
"Happy birthday to you..."
Alex followed behind her, the cake in her hands.
"Happy birthday to you..."
Piper picked Jack up and Alex walked to the table, placing the cake down and smiling at Piper.
"Happy birthday, dear Jack..."
I love you, she mouthed and Piper blushed.
"Happy birthday to you!"
The room erupted in clapping and cheers.
"Make a wish," Piper said.
He closed his eyes and his hands balled into fists. Alex laughed at his concentration. He opened his eyes and smiled at her.
"Blow it out like I showed you, baby boy."
He blew hard and the candle went out. Everyone cheered again and took turns hugging and kissing the boy, giving him well wishes and expressing their love.
Alex buckled him into his high chair and slid the tray in place before putting a piece of cake on it for him. She swiped some frosting off the corner and wiped it on his nose making him giggle.
The way his eyes crinkle when he laughs and his dimples show, how could I say no to having another little Piper?
He took a bite, then held his fork out to Alex, offering her some.
"Bite, mama?"
He was so sweet and innocent, she wished her mother could have met him. She took the bite he offered and kissed him all over his face, making him giggle again.
x
Everyone had left and the family was enjoying some quality time. Alex was loading the dish washer and picking up the last bits of wrapping paper left behind while Piper was chasing Jack around the apartment trying to run the sugar out of him. She sat on the couch to catch her breath while he chased Alex out of the room, following her to the trash can. He ran back a minute later and handed Piper a piece of wrapping paper.
"Give it to mama, she's cleaning up."
"It's for you."
Piper took it from him before he darted away, yelling and chasing Alex into her bedroom.
She unfolded the wrapping paper and smiled at Alex's handwriting.
You walked lightly into my life
Captivating and lovely to my mind
At first, I never cared who you were
Now I don't know who I am without you
You kissed me
I felt my world change
You held me
I heard my heart awaken
You loved me
And my soul was born anew
You walked lightly into my life
Now my heart knows who you are
And with every breath
And every step
I take down lonely roads
Your hand is my staff
Your voice is my guide
Your strength my shelter
Your passion my awakening.
You walked lightly into my life,
And all my pain
You took as your own,
And all my fears
You cast into the sea,
All my doubt
Lost in your eyes,
You walked lightly into my life
And no matter if you choose to stay or go,
My life is forever changed,
Just because you loved me
For a moment in time.
And because I choose
To love you
For the rest of mine.
She wiped a tear away and got up, walking towards her bedroom. She heard Alex's booming laugh and Jack's shrieking glee before opening the door fully and seeing Alex throw Jack into a stack of pillows on the bed.
He sat up, concern on his face seeing the tears in Piper's eyes, "What's wrong, mommy?"
Alex whipped around but Piper kissed her before she could speak.
"Nothing's wrong, honey." She sat on the edge of the bed and pulled Jack on her lap. "I'm just really happy."