A/N: Blanket disclaimer: I don't own HP or the wizarding world.

2. Tell them that they're fat. It gets their attention. Not joking.

"Malfoy and Guadis…. Let's see, here are your time-tables."

Alex beamed. "Thank you, Professor Finch-Fletchley!" I swear he overdoses on happy pills every day.

I took the time-table and looked at our schedule for today. "Uh, let's see. We've got… Charms first today with the Ravenclaws."

Alex started giggling. I stared at him.

"Ok, Ok, Ok! To Charms we go!" shouted Alex, charging out of the Great Hall.

Everyone gave me strange looks.

I buried my face in my hands.

"ALEX! YOUR TOAST! YOU IDIOT, WE HAVE AN HOUR TO GET TO CHARMS!"

First day of lessons and I'm the laughing-stock of the school by association. Why me?

After grabbing two pieces of toast (a growing boy needs his food! And the fact that we wouldn't be able to eat for about five more hours scared me.), I ran to the Charms classroom.

Ok, it was more like running in a maze. A huge maze without a map.

Finally, after about (according to my watch) forty minutes, I found Alex in front of the Charms classrooms.

I gaped at him. "How did you get here so fast?"

Alex giggled again. I worry about him. "I asked a student yesterday! Yay!"

"Uh… Could you stop being so… Giggly?" I asked, slightly annoyed.

"Why?" giggled Alex.

"Because of you, we're going to be known as Alex the Giggling Girl and that Malfoy bloke who's his friend."

Alex shrugged.

I rolled my eyes. "Ugh, whatever. Have some… cold toast."

Alex squealed. "I LOVE cold toast!"

He giggles just to annoy me, I just know it.

After about twenty minutes, we went inside the classroom with about forty other first-years.

"Hello, class!" squeaked… someone. "Welcome to Charms!"

Suddenly, a midget jumped onto the desk. I think someone screamed. In case you're wondering, that someone wasn't me, alright? "I am Professor Flitwick, and I will be teaching you Charms!"

After checking to see if everyone was her ("Malfoy, Scorpius!" "Here." "We're doing Charms with Malfoy?!"), Professor Fishwit or something taught us the Levitating Charm, then had us practice it.

"Wingarium Leviosi!"

"It's 'Leviosa', Mr. Malfoy!"

"Argh! Wingarium Leviosik!"

"'Leviosa, Mr. Malfoy, Leviosa!"

I wanted to levitate Fishwit out the castle and into the apparently dangerous Forbidden Forest. But, being the amazing, calm person I was, I settled for screaming, "WINGARIUM LEVIOSA!" and jabbing my wand at no particular direction.

Tip: When trying to kill your enemy with a feather, I suggest yelling 'Wingarium Leviosa' while jabbing your wand towards said enemy.

Merlin, if Weasley didn't hate me before, she sure did now.

"MY EYE! MY PRECIOUS EYE!"

Everyone froze, including me.

Didn't they say that red-heads had dangerous tempers?

"IT BURNS!"

Why couldn't Weasley go to, I don't know, Gryffindor or Hufflepuff?

"WHOEVER DID THIS WILL DIE!"

R.I.P Scorpius Malfoy. Killed unintentionally by the Sorting Hat. Killed intentionally by Rose Weasley.

Fishwit (actually, maybe it was Flitwick?) looked flustered.

"Mr. Malfoy, could you escort Ms. Weasley to the Hospital Wing?"

"Professor, couldn't someone else-"

"Now, Mr. Malfoy."

"Ugh, fine, Professor."

Weasley was clutching at the general location of her left eye.

"Ow ow ow ow ow ow…"

I grabbed Weasley by the shoulders (I had no intention of seeing her face! Is that wrong?) and started marching her to the Hospital Wing.

After about twenty minutes, Weasley snarled at me, "Do you even know where the Hospital Wing is?"

Actually, I had no idea where ANYTHING was, but I wasn't about to admit it.

"Of course I do, Weasley, don't YOU?"

Weasley made a growling noise.

"Actually, YES I do, MALFOY! THE HOSPITAL WING IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CASTLE!" shouted Weasley.

"…."

Yes, that was my amazing and witty response. I dare you to do better.

Jeez, people, they say that 'Silence is Golden' for a REASON. Now get off my case and start criticizing Weasley.

"I'm going to be half blind at this rate, Malfoy," snapped Weasley. "Now, come on, this way, donkey-butt."

Did she just call me a DONKEY? BUTT?

She. Will. Pay.

I marched silently, searching for her wand.

Darn, she was holding it.

Oh well. Time to prove that the 'Slytherins are COWARDS!' stereotype wrong.

"Hey, Weasley."

Weasley spun around, glaring at me with one blue eye.

"What, Malfoy?"

I started to have serious doubts about this. Just to be safe, I casually got my wand out.

I'm still being amazingly brave! Have YOU ever gone up against an armed and furious girl who's about to become more angry?

"I think you're fat," I mumbled. I AM STILL BEING BRAVE! NO DOUBTS, YOU!

Weasley pointed her wand at me in less than a nano-second.

"EXCUSE ME?!" she screamed. I'm pretty sure she has some banshee in her, there is NO WAY a normal human being can be that loud.

"I. Think. You're. Fat," I said clearly. See? Brave.

"PETRIFICUS TOTALUS!"

You're probably dying to know what happened. No sympathy, people these days.

Basically, Weasley ended up levitating me to the Hospital Wing.

You should've seen Fishwit's face! He was all like, "Amazing levitation, Ms. Weasley! Twenty points to Ravenclaw! And… er… How in the world did Mr. Malfoy get… Never mind, just go."

I am not joking. He actually said that! Grr…

Well, if you heartless people thought that Fishwit was bad, you should've seen Pomfrey.

Well, heard, actually.

She was all like, "Hello, Ms. Weasley. Put Mr. Malfoy over here… A bit to the right… Perfect. Let's see… Feather? Eye? Alright-"Silent, alien Healing spell that only Healers know"-You can go back to class now. No, your vision will not be affected. Oh, yes, I almost forgot about you, Mr. Malfoy! Finite Incatatem! You may go to class with Ms. Weasley."

"Ugh, Madame Pomfrey, couldn't you have left him like that until, say, a century after I die?"

"Even if I didn't, Ms. Weasley, the spell would wear off eventually."

"Then why couldn't you have just left him like that until it wore off?"

"Hey, I can hear you, you know!"

It's like she gets people that got attacked by a vicious feather and people who got attacked by a vicious person every day!

Fine, she probably DOES, but still!

Rose Weasley is a short-tempered PRICK.