A/N: None of it is mine...though I wish it was! Thank you for all the reviews; I love feedback. Sorry about the wait I've had a little bit of writer's block.

Going Out With a Bang

Chapter 5

He had always taken for granted what he had. He never once questioned the importance of a person; he thought he knew their worth, but he had been wrong. That seems to be happening a lot latelyhe thought bitterly to himself. Everything he had ever known was pushed into a strange light: one in which he could see nothing and everything all at once.

Elliot knew that with all the time that passed, the light, the brightly dark light, that threw his whole world into a different time and place, was getting brighter. It got brighter every day, and he was terrified that this light would take over his life - him - completely.

Every time he tried to move past the light, the more it seemed to take him over completely. What he thought he knew for fact was now thrown under this harsh light that could bring any normal man to his knees.

Elliot was brought back to his world when a knock sounded at the door. He didn't feel like answering but didn't know if it was something important. Had Olivia woken up? Is she…is she dead?…No…

The fog that had clouded his mind was back full force. It was a wonder he could accomplish anything.

"Stabler?" His name muffled thought the door; he knew that voice. Where did he know it from? "Stabler?" The voice repeated, sounding agitated.

The fog cleared. He knew who was at his door. Slowly, very slowly he opened the door. He had been having strange feeling as of late, but he couldn't seem to place them.

He opened the door to a very angry looking Dani. "What did I do now?" he asked, trying to put on a boyish charm that seemed to work with Kathy.

Her eyes were shinning at him and her face had a nice pink tint. She looked like an Amazon Warrior, out to take down everything around her; unfortunately, the only thing in her path right now was him. Taking his eyes off her didn't seem to be an option. Her chest rose and fell rapidly, her eyes, those eyes that he couldn't get out of his mind as of late. What the hell is going on?

"We've been trying to get a hold of you for over an hour," she told him angrily.

"Why?"

"Well if you had answered your phone, you would know!" Dani replied bitingly. She took a long look at him, and then looked around him to his apartment, which was a mess. "What were you doing anyway?"

"Stabler, have you gone to see her in the past few days?" Somehow Dani seemed to know how important Olivia was to him.

"I don't want to talk about it, Dani. What were you calling for? Do they need our help?"

She could tell he didn't want to talk, but she also knew that if he didn't say anything, he would end up killing himself slowly.

She took a look around his apartment again and wondered why he seemed to just let life go. She understood - probably better than anyone - what he was going through; she lost her love once too. He doesn't try any more; their cases are different, she knew that it was one of the things keeping him going, but she also knew he wasn't truly himself. He's a damn good cop, just not one that could handle everything alone, much to his own disappointment. But this was something the cop couldn't handle; this was something the man had to.

"Elliot." He didn't flinch, just looked at her strangely; she had never called him by his first name. Kind of like Olivia. He wished his brain would shut up. He wished he could stop comparing them. They were two different people, with two completely different view points.

"Elliot?" she repeated. Dani was getting worried. He was distant and closed off and she wondered what he was like before Olivia had been shot. Now he seemed to be a shadow of the man he used to be and it was likely he would be until, no, if, if Olivia woke up.

"I-I have to go," he told her quickly.

"All right," she said as the door closed.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

He had rushed to her hospital room. What had he been thinking staying away for so long? He was lucky the nurses liked him; it was so close to the end of visiting hours.

But when Elliot arrived at her room he saw a man standing at her bed, one he had seen only a few times before.

"Agent Porter?" The man standing at Olivia's bed turned around.

"Elliot," Porter said. "I would ask 'how are you' but I think I already know the answer."

"I wasn't expecting to see you here."

"I just heard. The man you have in the FBI, Huang, right?" At Elliot's nod, Porter continued. "He mentioned it to me, and I wanted to come by to see her."

"I didn't mean to interrupt. I can come back later."

"Why…What happen exactly?" Porter asked.

"We were…" Elliot paused. "We were chasing after a suspect. He had a gun that we hadn't seen and when Olivia went in first and our suspect fired off shots." It was hard the first time, but reliving it was worse. He saw it, had been there, seen her go down and seen the blood -her blood - pool around her.

This was a man Olivia obviously trusted. She trusted this man over him, or so it seemed. And Porter obviously trusted and respected her, so where did that leave him, Elliot? Where was he supposed to go from here? If he got Olivia back just to lose her again, well, he thought, that would be better then her not getting her back at all.

"Agent…" Elliot started.

"My name's Dean. With everything that has happened, I don't want to think about my job right now."

Elliot didn't know if he could call Porter by his name. He was someone that Olivia trusted over him and he didn't think he could be Porter's friend. But he might as well give it a try.

"Okay, then. Dean it is."