The 25th of December in the 14th year of the New Order under our Lord and King
I woke in the early afternoon to a fire crackling in the fireplace and most of the chill that had been present in the room when I had last taken quill to journal has been driven away. Alas, my heart was and is frozen still. One of the women who had… prepared me yesterday was in the adjacent bathing room and she led me to the basin once again. Instead of scrubbing me, she left me alone. The hot water helped soothe away the last of the aching in my body and it was a blessed relief to remove the odor of the King from my skin.
The events of the previous night infiltrated my thoughts and weighed heavily on my heart. I slipped down under the water, holding my breath and wondering how it would be to die from drowning. I didn't have long to wonder because the old woman was suddenly there, pulling me up by my arm and scolding me with her frowning silence. She then watched me for some time to ensure I did not try again. The water grew cold and I rose from it only to find myself escorted back to my bedroom where it seemed my evening's attire had been selected for me. I had mistakenly thought that I would not be expected to attend the King but alas, it was not to be.
The night's ensemble was little more than a cream colored shift and a black corset. Though satiny and of fine material and construction, the shift was almost transparent. I refused to go near the bed. The woman gestured to the clothing but I pretended not to understand. She picked it up and advanced toward me but I dodged away, leaping across the bed. The woman tsked and went to my bed chamber's door. I took the opportunity to retreat to the bathing room once more, shutting the door behind me and looking about for a lock. The handle moved in my hands and I braced myself against the door to keep it shut. The old woman surely wasn't strong enough to force the door. The next thing I knew, I was sprawled on the floor in a most undignified manner and to my utter horror, the long haired guard was advancing on me with a scowl upon his usually stoic face. I scrambled backwards, doing my best to cover my nakedness from his sight. He didn't seem to care much for modesty, for he grasped my wrists and hauled me to me feet.
Turning me around, he marched me back into the bedroom where the woman stood with her arms crossed and the dress hanging over her elbow. She held it out towards me and when the guard released my arms I shamefacedly took it from her and quickly pulled it on over my head. The woman approached with the corset and I compliantly allowed her to pull it down over my head. For the first time, the woman spoke, only she did not speak to me. Rather, she spoke to the guard. Her voice was little more than a rasped whisper but the words she spoke were foreign and would have sounded unfamiliar had I not heard the King speak in the same way the night before. My guard spoke a few words in a questioning fashion to her and her answer was an impatient gesture of her hands toward me. He shrugged his shoulders and stepped behind me to lace me into my corset. The woman held it to my sides and looked up at my guard with a frown as he tightened the laces. She tsked at my guard and I felt his sighed exhalation on my neck just before he cinched the laces so tightly I gasped. All the way up, he tugged and then all the way back down he tightened until I was almost arching my back. It must have been the old woman's punishment for my disobedience earlier. I would swear she smiled at my discomfort.
Her punishments for me weren't over, for she dismissed my guard and spent time dragging a comb none too gently through my disheveled hair. Parting it down the middle, she braided it into two braids like I was some kind of child. I felt anger growing in me and I struggled to restrain it. It took over my mind and boiled my blood until I felt near to bursting. At last, I was handed over to my guard to begin the long descent from my room to the presence of the King.
He sat in the same chair at the same table as the night before. My anger had become righteous, indignant and reckless. I wanted Him to kill me so I would be free of this hideous Palace and its ruthless occupant. When the King looked up at me I shook my arm free of my guard and walked faster toward Him. My bare feet slapped on the stone floor tiles and I felt dangerously close to passing out from my tightly laced corset.
"You raped me!" I shouted at Him as I approached the table. My guard caught my arms and halted my advance. The King merely smiled in a saddened way.
"You are mistaken. I have honored you. I have given you greatness yet this is how you repay the kindness of your King? With insults?"
"You raped me! That's no honor! That's no kindness!"
"I have fed you, clothed you, given you a safe and warm home. You yourself came to me for aid. How is it not a kindness that I have taken you under my protection?" I struggled to free my arms from my guard, panting from the exertion.
"Protection? I'm a prisoner here! You're a monster!" The King rose to His feet and advanced toward me so quickly I backed into my guard. He took my face in His hand and His eyes seemed to flare brightly with His quiet anger. I found myself questioning whether wanting Him to kill me was a good idea anymore.
"I have killed scores of men and women for less than this defiance you are displaying."
"Because you have no compassion!" Despite my angry words, His voice remained steady.
"Compassion. That is what stays my hand from breaking your jaw." He tightened His hand threateningly on my face and I believed He really could break my bones with one hand as He had said. He turned my head and reached with his other hand to touch the purple, bruised teeth marks He had left on me the night before, continuing in the same steady, low voice He had started with.
"I treasure what is mine and that includes you. For that alone you should be grateful." He released my face with a slight shove backwards and turned His back to me to return to His seat.
"You will eat at my table. I command it… as your monstrous King and Lord." The King rested His hand on a leather bag tied to His sash that looked suspiciously like it contained the golden orb He so treasures. I sat, though I was determined not to show submission. I took up a goblet of wine and drank it down, hoping it would steady my nerves or at least dull the ache in my heart and the fluttering in my stomach. My corset was too tight to allow me to eat much but I took a bite of some bread. I followed that with more wine as soon as my cup was refilled. The King watched me incessantly with His bright eyes. I was half way through my third serving of wine when He started to speak.
"It must be difficult for you. You do not see how hard I work to protect the people of New Kanatahseton. I only want to keep everyone safe… separate from the corruption of the outside world. I know what it means to struggle, to lose everything… as you have." His words, though spoken with a modicum of empathy or something like it, felt empty and lifeless. The wine had clouded my perceptions and loosened my tongue.
"You don't know what I've been through! It's your fault my family's dead and everyone starves! My brother and father died because of your Wall!"
"A sacrifice for the greater good. It is because of their toil that everyone else lives under my protection." I wanted to rise from my seat but I was unsteady when I attempted it so I fell back to my seated position.
"You call what's out there living? It's death out there and you're blind to it!" The king banged His fist onto the table, upsetting the goblets and spilling dark wine across the tablecloth.
"Be quiet! You know not what you are saying. You were but a child when I watched the people of this land put trust in a man who hid behind a mask of kindness and generosity. In reality he was nothing but a pillager of land and people, burning his way across the earth and deceiving thousands. I ended his rule and started my own... here. You will see. This land will prosper under me." I remained quiet for some time as I mulled over His words and the spilled wine was cleaned up by silent servants. It was difficult to think with my mind so affected by the wine I had consumed but one thing stood out in unusual clarity. In my intoxication, I foolishly gave voice to it.
"In almost fifteen years this is all you have to show for your so-called work? A land of starving people? Protected you say? The only thing we need protection from is you!" The King jumped to His feet so quickly His heavy chair nearly toppled over behind Him. He grabbed me up from my seat and pushed me back against the table until I had to use my hands behind me to keep from falling onto it.
"What would you do in my place? What would you have me do?" I had no answer for Him. Slowly, His face changed from rage to something calculating and His eyes singed me.
"Foolish woman. I used to be as idealistic as you are. You would have me compromise based on your perception of compassion. There was a time when I, too, thought the truest freedom came from governing by the people, for the people. My father tried to tell me differently but I resisted the idea of total control. It made no sense and I killed him for it. But I later found his journal… and I realized he was right, though not in the purest sense. I knew I had to correct my wrongs and vindicate the beliefs he strove for. No longer would I be towed this way and that way by the people with their many demands and their fickle loyalty. Change takes time and its path is shrouded in darkness but it is not futile. You will see. All will see. Control is my compassion." I knew then that He was a true, raving madman but I dared not speak again lest I anger Him further. He stared at my face for what felt like forever before His expression seemed to soften slightly. He reached up and took one of my braids in His hand, running His fingers down its length and placing it over my chest.
"You have had much wine this night. I should have taken that into consideration before reacting to your… imprudent words." His hands snaked around my waist and He pulled me against His body.
"Do not tremble, Lily. I am not angry with you any longer. You are just confused. I will show you the way to enlightenment." He stepped back and took my hand to lead me from the table. I stumbled in my dizzy state, brought on from a mixture of intoxication, fear and lack of air from my tight corset. Before I could think, the King had picked me up in His arms. I struggled until He tightened His arms around me and I could only kick my feet and shake my head. The action made me even dizzier so I slumped in His arms and despaired the entire time it took to walk to his bedchamber, followed by my perpetual shadows: the guards.
The king laid me on His bed almost tenderly, as if I were His beloved bride or a fragile thing. The room spun in lazy circles around me, wavering and wobbling like a top about to fall. The King lay down beside me and I rolled to turn away from Him. I realized my mistake when I heard the sound of a knife being unsheathed and His fingers working their way under the bottom edge of my corset. The sharp, popping sounds of my corset lacing parting under His blade were loud in the room and I could immediately breathe deeply. I filled my lungs with air, tainted as it was by the detestable, burned odor of the King so close to me. He easily pulled the corset from beneath my body and tossed it somewhere out of sight, only to turn His attentions fully to me. He pulled me close and let His hand wander over me. I tried to stop Him but I was too dizzy and tired to oppose much beyond mumbled protestations and weak resistance. His quiet shushing and breathing against my neck sent shivers down my spine, only to converge with my futile attempts to squirm away when He pulled my shift up and slid His hand over my hip, down my stomach and between my legs. His whispers were worse.
"Shhh, Lily. Why do you fight me? You seek freedom from control, do you not?" I nodded with only a whimper for words as His fingers found my most sensitive place.
"Then give of yourself." I tried to curl away from Him, to push back with my elbows and feet, but He held me fast. He placed kisses on my neck and shoulder, drawing His knees up and leaning over me to pluck at the ties holding my shift closed. I fought His hands with mine until He left my laces to reach down towards His belt and open the bag containing His dangerous trinket. With only momentary contact of His fingers on it, my body ceased to be my own once again. I wanted to vomit, faint or die but I could only lay there weeping and feel His touch as He turned me on my back and stripped me of my shift.
He was gentle with me, at least. There was nothing of the rough, forceful way He had taken me the previous night. He made me react through my tears, creating a fictional arousal with the orb as He touched me and tasted of me. I cried out at the sensations He made me feel. When at last He left me alone to unclothe Himself I had ceased weeping and resigned myself to my fate. Only when He climbed on top of me did I resume my tears, for now I could not escape the sight of His freakish, azure gaze or the frightful size of Him as He loomed over me. He kissed me and I tasted the unusual tang of my body's making on his lips. I wished for it to be done with quickly but He took me slowly, fondling my body and the orb to elicit every response He desired as I wept and screamed and He ceaselessly moved over me. The worst was yet to come, for He used His golden toy to bring me to an illusory climax not of my creation and He called out my name when He reached His genuine one almost at the same moment, making my blood curdle in horror and the purest revulsion beyond anything I had ever experienced chill my very soul. He had forced pleasure through my body, a perversion of what such an act should be. The dichotomy was absolute: my body craved and completed the sensations, reacting to the physical and conjured manifestations of intimate acts yet my mind repelled all of it until I felt torn into two discrete entities, tied together by one tortured soul.
He kept me in His bed afterwards, holding me against His overheated body. I could move as I pleased but when I attempted to crawl beyond His reach my muscles became rigid and painful until I returned to Him. In this way He kept me a prisoner even in His sleep.
Much of my dizziness had passed by then and I laid there examining His face, marked by those strange tattoos. In sleep He almost appeared to be a normal man approaching His very early middle years of life. He could be considered attractive but the knowledge of His unnatural eyes and twisted mind burned away any pretence of normalcy. From time to time He would mutter in His strange language or toss in His sleep. I turned from Him and did my best to pretend He was not there with His heavy arm over my body until exhaustion took me over and ended my turmoil temporarily.
I woke to find myself alone in the bed of His chamber. I was free to get up, dress and look about the room without limit until I discovered that touching any of the weapons displayed about the place or the handle of the door resulted in agonizing, burning pain to my entire body that dropped me to the floor. The other door in the room was not similarly trapped and my momentary contact with the handle resulted in no punishing pain. It led into a massive library filled to the brim with books. I had never seen more than three books in anyone's collection until now and I was in awe of the sheer quantity of literary works contained in this room. My hands reached hesitantly to the spine of the nearest one, fearing the agony of punishment but none came and I reverently pulled the book from the shelf. Its dusty pages smelled of age and beauty, of the mysteries contained within and the secrets of another world I could lose myself in.
I sat on a nearby chair with the book in hand. I don't know how long I stayed there reading the story of a man called Henry VIII by an author named Shakespeare but I was startled out of my reading by my name being spoken quietly. The King was in the doorway watching me. I hadn't heard Him enter, nor did I know how long He had been there. I must have appeared terrified as I jumped to my feet and hid the book behind my back.
"What are you afraid of?" He asked me. I couldn't look at Him as I mumbled out my fear of punishment for touching His books.
"I will not punish you for enjoying my library. You are free to use it any time you wish. All you need to do is ask." He beckoned with His hand.
"Come here, Lily." I felt sick at the idea of being any closer to the King but, knowing He could just make me do His bidding, I went anyway, clutching the large book to my chest with both arms as if it could protect me from Him. He reached out to me and took my shoulder when I was close enough. His other hand went to the side of my neck and He softly touched my skin before taking the back of my neck firmly.
"You will need to earn my trust first, though. I can not have you wandering around looking for a way to defy me. Do not think I would fail to take that into consideration after last night. Can I trust you?" His eyes were painful they were so bright under the shadow of His wolf hood. I wanted to push the King away but He gripped my neck tightly so I nodded. The King pulled me nearer by my neck and lowered His mouth to mine. Forgive me… for I shudder at the memory… I kissed Him back. In that moment, I felt a piece of me fall away and shatter, never to be retrieved.
"Lily, you surprise me. I expected you to fight. Maybe I can give you the freedom you want sooner than I thought I could. For now though… the quality of your obedience is still to be determined." He let me take the book I had been reading and sent me back to my room with my guard, relatively unmolested. That doesn't mean I don't fear for tonight. I fear He will have me dine with Him nightly and take me to His bed every time.
I won't consign myself to this fate. I won't do it. There has to be a way to get out of this place and I just need to be patient enough to find it. For now I must stay strong and gain His trust.
The 2nd of January in the 15th year of the New Order under our Lord and King
It has been several days since I last felt inclined to document this dreary existence. It is as I feared: I am to be the King's nightly companion. Last night I lost a little more of who I am, I think. I can't forgive myself for it yet and I don't believe I ever will. I let the King have me. I gave myself to Him, if not willingly, without resistance. He was happy with me… He let me take several books back to my room this morning but what consolation are books for giving up on what makes me who I am? What will I give up next? I've already lost my dignity. My pride is quickly following in its shadow. The King is taking it all and I find myself slipping away. I must hold on to whatever is left because if I don't I'll simply become the King's creature, a plaything for him to take His pleasure with and control just like everyone else in this cursed place! But then I wonder why I bother resisting anymore. What is it for? I'm still locked in this room. I've gained nothing in the way of freedom despite giving the King what He wants.
I wish I were a small bird like the ones outside my windows. Then I could slip out and fly away from here to be free. Free to live, free to die… just free.
The 27th of January in the 15th year of the New Order under our Lord and King
I've made a terrible mistake. I know not when my life will end but I fear it will be very soon. The King is angry with me, no- furious, livid, enraged… Is there even a word to describe the transformation I caused in Him? What little resemblance He had to being just a man is gone for He is truly a beast of terrible strength and the most horrible violence.
I'm in a cell in some dark level of the Palace. Only a faint bit of light reaches into my cage and it is by that minimal illumination that I write. The floor is dirt and covered by a thin layer of straw. The walls and ceiling are stone and the only air and light come from between the bars of my door. I have the unfortunate situation of being unclothed in here and I'm terribly cold but I'm trying to ignore it and focus on anything else. There is a prisoner across from me in another cell. He screams at me and says terrible things but my ever present guard hits the bars of his cell with his club whenever he does. My guard was kind enough to bring me my journal to pass the time. A last request granted before my execution? Maybe.
It all started after the King had finished with me and fallen asleep on the other side of the bed… the side I'm usually made to sleep on. His golden orb was sitting on the little table beside the bed and I reached out to it. I don't know what made me do it. Maybe I thought I could use it on Him… make it so He couldn't move or hurt me anymore. It was exceedingly heavy and the instant I picked it up the King woke from His slumber. He saw the orb in my hand and immediately moved toward me. In a moment of absolute panic, I tried to bludgeon Him with it. He caught my wrist in a grip stronger than I ever imagined a man could have. He squeezed it so hard I thought my bones would snap. As soon as I dropped the orb on the bed between us He picked it up and hit me with it. I fell onto the bed with a scream of agony and was instantly under the orb's power. I couldn't even touch the side of my cheek and mouth where I knew I was bleeding. I could taste the blood and feel it trickling down my face and neck as my left ear rang loudly from the strike and my vision crackled and burst in white explosions of light. The King shouted at me.
"You dare to touch my most sacred item? What was your plan? Did you believe you could control me? Stop me?" He rose from the bed and dragged me off of it and across the floor by one arm toward the door. At a shouted word from Him, the door opened and He flung me outside to the feet of the guards. I watched as He stood there in the doorway, completely uncaring that He was naked in front of everyone, and stared at me. His shoulders moved with His deep, angry breathing and then He waved dismissively with His unoccupied hand and spoke in His indecipherable language. My body was released from the control of the orb but as soon as it was, the King turned His back and slammed the door of His bedroom shut behind Him. Two guards made to take my arms but the long haired one who is in charge of me most often waved them off and picked me up himself. I didn't fight him as he carried me away from the King's bedchamber and down a corridor I hadn't been into before.
For the first time since he took me from my home, my guard spoke to me.
"What did you do to provoke him?" I could barely move my jaw but I whispered what I had done as my tears of pain, fear and humiliation mingled with the blood running from my chin. I asked if He would kill me for it. My guard shook his head and I knew even he was doubtful that I would be spared. He spoke again.
"You are to be imprisoned in a cell for your actions." I began to shake uncontrollably. The farther we descended in the Palace, the worse I shook. Doors became heavier and hinges creaked as they moved. At last I was put in my cell, to the accompaniment of shouts and lewd calls from the neighboring prisoners. I huddled against the wall and when the keeper of the prison left my guard's side he glanced in the direction he went in before crouching down in front of my locked door. He reached through the bars and beckoned to me until I crawled over to him, doing my best to cover myself.
"The King has affection for you, Lily. That is what gives me any hope for your survival. You must plead with him for his mercy. Apologize. Even if you do not mean it in here." My guard touched my chest lightly with one finger.
"I can't. I hate him!" I whispered to him through my teeth.
"How can you believe he cares anything for me?"
"Because I know him. Or I thought I did before all of this. We were friends, once, when we were young. He did not kill you for your many acts of defiance. He may yet spare you." I looked into my guard's eyes, truly looked, for the first time since I had arrived at the Palace. I realized then that he, a man nearing his late forties, had watched his friend become the King. And now he serves Him, doing His bidding unquestioningly and watching as He dominates New Kanatahseton into destruction. His kind words to me were tantamount to an act of defiance as well.
"What's your name?" I asked him then. He laid his hand on the chilled skin of my shoulder and shook his head sadly.
"It is better for you not to know." He took his hand away and started to rise to his feet.
"Wait!" I cried. He glanced to the side to check if we were being observed.
"Can you bring me something?"
"Only if it is small and easily hidden. I was asked to bring you here directly."
"In my room… I have a journal hidden under my mattress. Will you get it for me? I want to free my thoughts if I have no chance of living." My nameless guard tilted his head then doubtfully.
"Please…" I begged him. He nodded once and walked away silently.
As evidenced by my long entry, he honored my last wish, slipping my journal through the bars of my cell along with a small inkwell and a quill.
The night drags by and I listen to the sounds of my fellow prisoners. Some weep loudly or shout. Many of them are ill and I can hear them coughing. I wonder what the morning will bring.
The 28th of January in the 15th year of the New Order under our Lord and King
I yet live. I was given the length of blue silk I had been wrapped in for my first evening with the King and I took it gratefully and shrouded myself in it. It felt like the warmest wool blanket and at last I found some relief from the chill dampness of my cell. The King did not release me today. I suppose that is some consolation that maybe He won't kill me. It isn't much. A prisoner was beaten today. I could hear his screams echoing in the prison and for hours afterward I heard his groans of pain. Hopefully that won't be my fate.
The 29th of January in the 15th year of the New Order under our Lord and King
And still I live. My guard is almost always nearby and he looks in on me frequently, even if he doesn't speak to me the way he had the night he brought me here. I'm being fed some meager meals so at least I won't be left to starve to death. I don't know what's worse… the waiting and wondering or the prospect of starving myself just to end it. I could do it…
The 30th of January in the 15th year of the New Order under our Lord and King
I'm back in my chambers. I had decided to stop eating and let myself die when there was a sudden commotion in the prison. The man in the cell across from me threw himself on the floor in front of his door and reached his hands out between the bars. My stomach dropped when he started screaming for mercy… Mercy from the King and Lord of New Kanatahseton. He had come. I heard His voice and my heart twisted within me so I curled myself up against the corner as far from the door to my cell as possible and turned my face toward the wall. I wouldn't beg. I wouldn't.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw Him stop before the other cell. The man inside hovered his shaking hands over the King's feet and wept for clemency. The King asked the man to recite his ill deeds. Thieving. That was all. And then my heart froze in fear, for the King pointed into my cell right at me even though He hadn't once looked in my direction.
"Maybe I will spare you and take her life instead."
The man stammered and then asked what my crime was. The King told him it was attempted Regicide. The prisoner assured the King he would never try to kill Him, ever. To my horror, the King walked across to my cell door and gripped the bars. He watched me carefully for some time and I maintained my refusal to meet His eyes. He spoke almost to Himself, then, as He gazed upon me.
"Defiant, even in the face of death…" He then raised his voice to the guards and the prisoner behind Him.
"I am feeling generous today. Free him." Only then did I lift my head and look at the King. He was watching me with His chin tipped downward slightly. A subtle gesture from him and my cage was unlocked. He came to me then and crouched down to reach towards my bruised face. I turned away from His touch.
"Do you wish me dead?" How could I answer that? An affirmation would certainly mean the loss of my life and a denial would mean the same, only in a different fashion. My silence became my answer.
"I do not want to kill you. There is something… fiery about you that appeals to me. Can you not see that I care for you?" Since I had begun our meeting in silence I decided to conclude it the same. The King merely sighed and rose from before me but not before reaching out and touching my face. He left my cell and shortly after, I was escorted by my nameless guard to my quarters. He was not inclined to speak and I had the feeling he would never do so again now that it appeared my life was no longer forfeit. I treasured his few kind words and his risky act of obtaining my journal all the more. Maybe I have one person here who actually cares about me and is not simply carrying out orders.
Whether the King truly cares for me or not is inconsequential. He cares not for my opinion or feelings, so what is it that He cares for? My body? Controlling me? Breaking me? He claims to appreciate my defiance but for how long? I mulled these questions over as I sat in my bathing basin washing away the filth from the days spent in that cell. I'm no closer to any answers now than I was then.
I stared at my reflection in the water and was appalled by what I saw. I knew I would bear evidence of being struck by the King but I can't get the image from my mind. My left cheek is discolored and my split lip distorts my features further.
I must admit that when a meal was brought to me in my rooms, it was a relief beyond all measure. Maybe the King has some kind of compassion, as twisted as it is, that compels Him to leave me alone, even if it's just for this one night. Or maybe he can't bear to look upon my disfigurement.