Chapter 4: Not Strong Enough

It was a dream. It'd all been just a dream. Maybe he knew it all along. Daryl did know now that he'd had the dream before...before Beth died...pieces of it coming back to him today in the aftermath, making him think he was losin' it. He just hadn't remembered the dream. Waking up, now he saw it, had the dream in his memory forever. If God meant it to be a blessing or a curse, the moments from the life he'd never had with Beth, he couldn't say, but it didn't matter 'cause they were there for good. But now...reality...

Daryl heard the walker coming, snarling and snapping, but he couldn't move himself from the cold ground. It just didn't matter anymore. It tripped, fell, was layin' face to face with him, grabbing at him. Daryl could hear its teeth crunching together, its jaw grinding. He didn't realize, but when it stopped snapping at him, Daryl saw his knife driven into its skull. It was survival instinct, the part of him that didn't even have to know to act. What came next was driven by something entirely different, something deep inside him that he'd never felt before. After the darkness passed, Daryl was looking down on a pile of goo, stringy tendon, and shattered bones, the thing that used to be a walker torn to bits. He didn't even wipe his knife before driving it back into its sheath.

The ground...it was soft...the ground he was kneeling on...the walker mush...it was all on...

"What did you do?" It flew outta his mouth frantically. "What did you do...what did you fucking do?"

The corpse had fallen on Beth's grave. Now in pieces...'cause of him...its blood was soaking into the soft dirt. It was gonna stain Beth. Daryl pushed the chopped body parts off the mound of fine soil, scooping up the guts, trying to scrape away the blood, but it didn't matter. He'd done it. He'd desecrated her grave...desecrated Beth, and he couldn't hold on anymore.

There were lights shining on him. He knew there were people behind those lights, people he knew coming out of the church 'cause they heard him. Had he been making noise, crying out? He couldn't remember.

Holding up his hands...seeing the blood dripping off them...blood...why was there always so much blood...

"I'm sorry..." Daryl found his way to feet, stumbling back. "I'm sorry..."

It was a fluid, beautiful motion. He didn't even have to think, the muzzle of his gun kissing his temple.

Beth...

But he hit the ground before he could pull the trigger and end it. Heavy weight pressed him into the dirt, someone else pried his only salvation from his hand, incomprehensible guttural noises and sobs escaping his mouth. The weight on him...he could barely breathe...he wanted it to stop...the breathing. He heard Rick's voice, couldn't tell what he was saying, whoever was holding him down was backing off though, but they had his gun.

"Give him some room," Rick ordered.

Rick's hand was on his upper arm, pulling him to his feet. Why when he was just gonna fall down again? They were all looking at him, he knew it, but the only person he could see was Rick. Right in front of him...he watched Rick's every move. His left hand slowly crossed over to where his Python was holstered at his hip, releasing it, offering it to Daryl grip first.

"Rick...no..." That was Glenn.

Daryl took the gift Rick offered him. Rick took a step back, but still stayed close to him, watching him...standing by him like a brother should in his last moment...

"Daryl don't. That's not the way. We can get through this..." Carol pleaded, but she could never understand...never know...

Daryl contemplated Rick's weapon, dispenser of justice, steel shining in the light from the flashlights. He put it to his head, closing his eyes.

"Oh my God...Daryl...no..." Maggie sobbed. In a different world, she would've been his sister...

His finger pulled at the trigger, but there was resistance. He didn't know Rick's gun, didn't know the pressure it would take to fire...the trigger was so tight. If it was his gun, he'd be dead already, but it wasn't. Daryl's finger trembled against the trigger as he willed himself to pull harder. But he couldn't. He was too much of a coward to off his own sorry ass. He heard the Python hit the ground beside him just before Daryl found himself on his knees again. Before he bowed his head, surrendering himself to his fate, he saw Maggie and Carol headed his way. They never made it. He didn't see why, just heard Rick.

"Everybody in the church now."

He felt Rick near him, knew Rick picked up the gun, felt Rick standing in front of him. Lifting his head and opening his eyes, it was the greatest kindness Daryl could ever hope for.

That's the third time you've pointed that thing at my head. You gonna pull the trigger or what?

That was from a different life...a life when they weren't brothers yet. It had all come full circle. Rick's face wore a stoic mask, but it was a mask all the same. His eyes were full of pain...and doubt. Daryl took a deep breath, his tears stopped...it was an end to the pain. He nodded his head to Rick, thanking him...reassuring him. Closing his eyes, he leaned forward until he felt the cold steel pressed against his forehead. Rick's hand was steady.

"Bury me with Beth." Daryl's voice was so clear, solid. "I love her."

The last words he would ever say...he just wanted the darkness.

Then he could feel the gun trembling against his forehead. Should've never said anything...should've never talked...just let Rick put him down like the wounded animal he was.

"Please..." He opened his eyes.

Rick's hand was shaking now, drawing his gun back, but it was still aimed. There was still a chance.

"Do it! Pull the fucking trigger!"

Nothing.

Daryl broke down realizing Rick wouldn't.

"Please...please...just end it. Make it stop."

He wasn't strong enough. Rick wasn't strong enough either. How did it come to this?

Rick holstered his revolver, going to his knees in front of Daryl.

"It hurts..."

"I know." Rick was trying to hold it together, but he was failing too. Daryl saw his tears. Heard it in his voice.

Rick's arms wrapped tight around him, and Daryl allowed it...needed it. He had no pride left, cryin' into Rick's shoulder.

"I can't breathe...I can't breathe without her..."

Daryl could feel a sob wrench in Rick's chest. "You're my brother...I'm sorry...I'm sorry I couldn't save her for you..."